Rhodes85
Posts: 445
Joined: 11/15/2008
From: Nova Scotia, Canada
Status: offline
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Just thought i'd post some amusing things that have happened on my current dev project. enjoy...
and note that every single one of these has actually happened to my dev team at some point.
- When the technical director says "Um, so whats a technical director supposed to do anyway?"
- and the Director replies "Handle the technical side of things, obviously"
- when the lead level designer says "How come I'm the lead level designer and I haven't seen these screens!?!"
- When the Associate Producer is nicknamed the 'Ass Prodder' for short.
- When the lead programmer doesn't know what beta testing is
- When the lead programmer mentions that if someone tries to hack the game CD they won't 'get the audio, movies or the naked pics of me'
- When the lead programmer screams out "Those aren't compiler warnings! They're SUGGESTIONS!!" when the director notices errors when the server .exe is compiling
- When the lead designer exclaims "Thats not a bug, its a feature!"
- When its two years into the project and there hasn't been any staff meetings yet
- When the lead programmer goes curling instead of attending staff meetings
- When the lead programmer is watching one of the other programmers work on his computer and exclaims 'See? Thats why I always hated Dos!".... and the programmer is working on a Mac...
- When after not having seen the director for 3 months, the producer claims not to have ever met the project director or heard of the game before
- When the technical director has never heard of Dell computers
- When the producer talks about leaving the dev team in order to get the sex change operation he always wanted
- When the lead programmer leaves the dev team a week into the project claiming that he 'found God' and is moving to Germany to become a Mormon priest
- .... and it was a well known fact that the programmer in question was a staunch atheist and didn't speak German...
- When one of the programmers doesn't know what a class is
- When the lead programmer finally returns from Germany 2 years later, suprised that someone else took his job
- When the lead programmer finally talks the director into giving him his job back, only to leave the dev team again two weeks later to get married
- When the technical director says to the director "You're computer HD just crashed and destroyed all our builds, and we're due to go beta in 48 hours... and its TRIVIAL?!?!"
- ... and the director in question replies "You mean it isn't...?"
- When the new lead programmer (who nobody had met yet) turns out to be the producers imaginary friend 'Willi the Wombat'
- When 'Willi the Wombat' makes more money than you do....
- When the director makes a deal with the producer that if the producer would wear a male thong the director would take off his pants
- When the lead programmer wants to write the server in Java and the client in Turbo Pascal
- When the lead programmer failed a beginners Turbo Pascal and C++ classes three times in the same year.
- When the project director refuses to speak anything but German during staff meetings for no apparent reason... and nobody else can understand what he is saying
- When someone sees the lead programmer kneeling in a bathroom stall with his head in a toilet while mumbling and laughing incoherently to himself.... and this isn't considered unusual by anyone
- when the programmer in question claims that this is 'how I get ideas when i'm stuck on a piece of code'
- when the lead programmer misses staff meetings because hes on the run from the chinese triads
- When the project director compares himself to Hitler and demands the rest of the dev team refer to him as the Fuehrer
- When the lead programmer is only creating an online game to recruit players to use as soldiers in an army he wants to use to conquer the world
- When staff meetings consist of insulting each other and watching American Pie over and over again
- When the project director is so obsessed with one of his staff that he forms a cult and writes a religious manifesto and later has himself legally ordained as a minister of his own religion
- When one of the designers asks what kind of system to put in place to deal with troublesome players the director makes numerous references to concentration camps...
- When the director hires a 3D graphic designer for a 2D isometric game....
- When someone asks the director how far along development is and he replies "well for right now we're just making maps...'
- When one of the programmers (who claims to be an expert in C++) experience in programming is limited to High School beginning C++ classes
- ... classes which the programmer in question failed repeatedly
- When in high school you also catch the mentioned programmer trying to connect a video camera to a computer using a cable used to connect VCRs to TVs instead of using a USB port cable...
- When the term 'lead programmer' is more a title than anything else because all of the work is done by the project director...
- When asked about a design doc or other development plan for his online game the director replies "Nah, we'll just figure it out as we go"
- When the lead programmer doesn't know what hex format is....
- When after almost five years without any contact with the lead programmer, the director finally emails him to ask if hes done programming yet, while assuming the programmer was still working for the company
- When after all the programming is done for the online game and all that is left is to make the world map, the dev team realizes that nobody on the team knows how to make a map editor....
- When the company website consists of nothing more than a remotely hosted message board
- When the company finally does get a proper website it turns out to be a free one hosted by Bravenet....
- When the Directors excuse for not havine a company website is that nobody on the team knows how to work an FTP program and therefore can't upload a proper website to the internet...
- when the same director is programming a MMORPG....
- When someone volunteers to build and upload a website for free if the company will pay the $8.00/month hosting cost and the Director says that would be too expensive...
- When the company has five managers who all have the title 'Chief of Administration'
- When each of those five managers believes they outrank the other four...
- When the company has a Chief of Server Administration.... and doesn't run any servers....
- When getting a much needed server machine to run the companies new online game depends entirely on whether or not the Technical Director gets a raise in his allowance...
- When the technical director turns out to be 12 years old...
- When the lead programmer knows exactly how to write a server for an online game but has no idea what-so-ever about how to write a client for one...
- When at a staff meeting, the lead designer gets drunk on 150 proof vodka, strips naked, jumps on the table and takes a piss on the Chief of Administration while exclaiming "This is what I think of the way you've been running our game!"
- When the same lead designer is committed to a mental institution later that night
- When the lead programmer drinks three 24-packs of diet pepsi per day to keep programming... on a good day
- When the same lead programmer also begins taking large doses of Tylenol Three to stop the stress headaches he gets from dealing with the dev team
- When none of the programmers bother to program anymore because 'someone else will do it'
- When a female staff member hacks the server and alters the graphics for every NPC and monster to make them 'anatomically correct'
- When the project director moves across the country and changes his name because he thinks that a competitor has hired assassins to kill him before the game is released
- When your Director of Community Relations is a former little known hardcore porn star (*cough Beau Marie *cough*)
- ...and the community relations and marketing plans she comes up with reflect this....
- When you see in the lead programmers code 'if(SubStringSearch) and Function(OnSpeech, MyNPC) and he claims to be a C++ programmer
- When the Art Director makes a comment that 'I'm learning Java and C++ now so I can help out more on the project..."
- .... and the project in question is in C#
- When the director suggests posting nude pictures of the female members of the dev team on the website as a marketing ploy because 'sex sells'
-... when the game he is referring to is targeted for young children
- When staff meetings consist of getting drunk and buying lapdances at the airport strip club with the rest of the dev team
- when one or more of the female members of the dev team work at said strip club
-.... where they were recruited for their 'intelligence and willingness to work hard' by the Project Director during a 'talent search'
- When someone suggests the online game being developed be changed to turn based....
- When the project director, technical director, lead designer and lead programmer are always strangely missing from staff meetings
- When you are working on a futuristic online RPG and notice that on the website the game is described as a 'medieval style RPG' and when you ask the director about it his response is "Oh? Didn't anyone tell you...?"
- ....and its news to you
- ....and you're supposed to be lead designer on the project
- When during staff meetings the project director talks through hand puppets
- When the head bad guy in the online game is based on OJ Simpson....
- When you notice that the game design company you work for is actually a subsidiary of a fishing website called 'Mikes Rod & Rifle'
- When said fishing website is also a subsidiary of a hunting website that is a subsidiary of a hardcore Russian porn site
- When you suspect even more hidden areas of unusual influence beyond that
- When you begin to suspect that the lead programmer is in the mafia...
- When the project director appoints a new staff member the title of 'Chief of the General Staff'
- when the owner of the company hires new staff and pays them in 'shares of the company'
- when said 'shares' consist of a piece of paper with the words 'one share of <company name>' written on them and are signed by someone who doesn't even work for the company
- when the producer threatens to kill the lead programmer
- When the project director insists that each member of the dev team must swear an oath of loyalty to him and get their blood type tatooed under their arm...
- When the project director is suspected of funneling company funds to Iran....
- When your development computer is a 12 year old 486 that can barely run Doom
- When your bosses plan is to 'write the greatest online game in history, sell out to Microsoft and retire a millionaire'
- .... and thats the extent of the info in the design docs - except for the 'Mwahahahahaha!' at the end of the docs...
- When the project director always enters your office flanked by two soldiers armed with automatic rifles...
- When the project director refers to himself in the third person, in a strange voice and by another name
- When the lead programmer on the project isn't a programmer
- When the lead programmer sends a boquet of poison ivy to the producer with a card reading 'from your secret admirer'
- When you look at the lead programmers computer and see the phrase 'Hello World!' pop up
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