Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

"you need to figure out what you want"


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> "you need to figure out what you want" Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
"you need to figure out what you want" - 8/14/2009 1:37:17 AM   
sravaka


Posts: 314
Joined: 6/20/2008
Status: offline 		This is half topic/half rant.  apologies in advance.

Someone just uttered this sentence to me....  and I'm reflecting.  It's not the first time I've heard it, but in the past I've mostly laughed to myself, thinking "I know perfectly well what I want... it just isn't *you*"   This time it's cutting closer to the core, though?  Or at least, it's getting old.

Is there any other pocket of relationship-seeking where you're supposed to have it all figured out in advance??  I think this is not normal, or reasonable....  and yet it is everywhere here (cm) or wherever where perverts attempt to hook up.

Parts of it are inevitable in any kind of "seeking"-- you do need to know what degree of seriousness you seek and/or are open to, e.g..  I guess if you have a list of limits it's good to be familiar with those too.....      But is there no room for these things to be organic?  At least a little?

I seek a pair bond.  I seek it the same way any conventional vanilla person might---  I want shared interests and sensibilities, a shared sense of humor, intellectual and emotional connectedness.  I want to feel valued... perhaps even loved, by someone whom I value and love.  I just happen to want it with a sharp, if not absolute, power imbalance,   (And, you know, lots of kinky sex.)

Which is the cart and which is the horse? 

Do I really need to have an advance list of "I will do this, but I will not do that"?   What I will or won't do happily depends on the quality of the pair bond.  How happy ('nilla aspects) and contained (d/s aspects) I feel within that bond.  I think that's fairly normal.  I think, even, that there's a sort of balance sheet, though it is crude to put it that way.  If x is sufficiently wonderful, y can be dealt with, whether y is something as extreme as modifying one's painstakingly concocted Life Plan, or as mundane as being willing to assume responsibility for doing laundry in perpetuity.  

How, in view of this, is one to "figure out what you want" before one engages and connects and sees what the possibilities are?

I have no doubt that it would be nicer all around if we could just compare lists of wants and not-wants, run them through a computer even, and determine "yes it will work"/"no it won't" with no muss and no fuss.  But is that true to real (messy) life?  and/or, is it any way to live? 

More to the point...  is it just me, or is this an infinitely greater problem when wiitwd is part of the equation, given the tendency in our circles to self-define (and thereby limit) more extensively or rigidly than "normal" types tend to bother with? 

This may be too incoherent & scattered to merit considered replies, but I'd love to hear others' views and experiences.     Did you know what you wanted before you found it, or have there been surprises?  To what extent does defining and circumscribing help, and to what extent does it hurt?



_____________________________

Miseries hold me fixed, and I would gladly cut these roots to become a floating plant. I would yield myself up utterly, if the inviting stream could be relied upon. --Ono no Komachi
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: "you need to figure out what you want" - 8/14/2009 3:51:46 AM   
NyDaddysGirl


Posts: 75
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sravaka 

Did you know what you wanted before you found it, or have there been surprises?  To what extent does defining and circumscribing help, and to what extent does it hurt?


Op, in my experiences, I have a clear idea of what I wanted before entering any relationship.  That doesn't mean every relationship I've entered has been exactly what I wanted, in fact, not one has fit what my idea of "perfect" was to begin with.  If I held out for exactly what I wanted, I would a) still be waiting and b) missed out on some truly wonderful relationships.  By being flexible and open to venturing outside of my wants/surprises, I've had some great relationships and learned some things about myself and what I'm willing to tolerate and not tolerate.

Another thing that I've learned in life that has been good advice in every area of my life is:  "pick your battles".  For me, that means to be more flexible, compromise more and be less rigid about the things that really don't matter but never budge on those things that do matter.

My suggestion would be to pick the very basic things you require from the relationship side and from the kink side, have a mental list of "wont tolerates" and go from there.

I hope what I've written makes sense and was helpful.  (It's early and I've only got one cup of coffee in me so far.)

Edited to correct quote tags

< Message edited by NyDaddysGirl -- 8/14/2009 3:53:00 AM >

_____________________________

I have no fear of falling, I just hate hitting the ground ~ Badlees

(in reply to sravaka)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: "you need to figure out what you want" - 8/14/2009 4:42:19 AM   
gentlesoullady77


Posts: 6
Joined: 8/14/2009
Status: offline 		hello
its apleasure meeting you .talk you soon

(in reply to NyDaddysGirl)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: "you need to figure out what you want" - 8/14/2009 5:36:04 AM   
CaringandReal


Posts: 1397
Joined: 2/15/2008
Status: offline 		I don't get a good sense of what inspired this and without that I cannot respond with anything too useful. The things you're saying are all reasonable when examined in isolation of a specific context, but circumstances most certainly alter the sense of sensible statements and can even turn them on their heads. If you can, please provide more details. Someone simply saying "you need to figure out what you want" is not something that would inspire a rant in me (depending on who said it, it would usually make me laugh in derision or else consider it very carefully), so I don't quite understand what inspired you to write this or what you expect/want to hear from respondents. Sure I could tell you I agree with your general statement generally, but I'd have to add that as soon as you placed them within a specific context, such as an experience or series of experiences, it's possible my response might change radically. Sorry to be a wet blanket.

I was intrigued by your x and y statement. Do you personally have a carefully thought-out life plan that you would find it difficult to relinquish unless, as you said, what you were gaining in exchange for doing so was significantly more fulfilling? I ask because I have never have a plan. I'm more of an improv player I guess, and a life plan has never seemed particularly important or even a desirable thing to me. If this is too off-topic we can take it to another thread, but it seemed related to what you were talking about because of the interesting contrast between a "painstakingly concocted Life Plan" and a statement like "you need to figure out what you want."

(in reply to sravaka)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: "you need to figure out what you want" - 8/14/2009 5:59:50 AM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline 		fr

From reading your post, it seems as if you're pretty sure you know what you want and that you have your shit together. It also appears to me that what you want is viable and realistic, so it just becomes a matter of finding someone who wants the same things you do.

Anyone that 'hears' what you want and still tells you that you have to figure things out isn't really hearing what you want.. they're just 'not' hearing what they want to hear.

It's not you. You're fine. I have a feeling that the folks telling you to 'figure it out' haven't actually figured 'you' out and they probably aren't being very realistic in their expectations. I would put that more into the category of 'instant gratification' than think it was really lifestyle related though.

Lots of us have gone through a process in our relationships ... it's called growth. You gotta plant the seed first if you want a tree, right?

< Message edited by BitaTruble -- 8/14/2009 6:01:00 AM >

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to CaringandReal)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: "you need to figure out what you want" - 8/14/2009 7:39:14 AM   
sravaka


Posts: 314
Joined: 6/20/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CaringandReal

I don't get a good sense of what inspired this and without that I cannot respond with anything too useful. The things you're saying are all reasonable when examined in isolation of a specific context, but circumstances most certainly alter the sense of sensible statements and can even turn them on their heads. If you can, please provide more details. Someone simply saying "you need to figure out what you want" is not something that would inspire a rant in me (depending on who said it, it would usually make me laugh in derision or else consider it very carefully), so I don't quite understand what inspired you to write this or what you expect/want to hear from respondents. Sure I could tell you I agree with your general statement generally, but I'd have to add that as soon as you placed them within a specific context, such as an experience or series of experiences, it's possible my response might change radically. Sorry to be a wet blanket.


Wet blanketry is very welcome.     It's a good reality check, among other things.  I think the comment inspired a rant this time mostly because I've heard it before in conflicting contexts, leading me to think the problem is not entirely with me.  I'm having a wtf moment, in sum.  Like, no matter how well I think I do in fact know what I want, and how well I think I've explained myself, I'm still somehow leaving myself open to this charge?  I am seriously considering where/how communication breaks down...  but I'm also feeling a little derisive, to borrow your term.  I think BitaTruble nailed it above-- people seem to say this to me when they aren't hearing what they want to hear.

quote:

I was intrigued by your x and y statement. Do you personally have a carefully thought-out life plan that you would find it difficult to relinquish unless, as you said, what you were gaining in exchange for doing so was significantly more fulfilling? I ask because I have never have a plan. I'm more of an improv player I guess, and a life plan has never seemed particularly important or even a desirable thing to me. If this is too off-topic we can take it to another thread, but it seemed related to what you were talking about because of the interesting contrast between a "painstakingly concocted Life Plan" and a statement like "you need to figure out what you want."


My life plan isn't carefully thought out so much as...  restrictive.  I've invested heavily in terms of time, money, grief in professional things and am unwilling to jeopardize any of that for budding relationships, or relationships whose compensatory upside isn't quite well established.  I had a really long involvement, long distance, with someone who used to run on about how love is more important, and I really needed to just chuck it all up and move to be with him.  I could find something else to do with my skills, but he was irreplaceable, in his view.  But of course the need for me to shoulder the entire burden of upheaval derived from his unwillingness to compromise on his own life plan.  That was a pretty clear case of "you need to figure out what you want" meaning "you need to want what I offer, on my terms, or you're screwed.  Pass this up and you're doomed to die alone.  So, decide what's more important to you." 

The current situation actually has a lot more to do with the other "y" I tossed in there--- perpetual laundry.  The domly party appears to view a slave principally as a self-fulfilled source of housekeeping + kinky sex-- available for what he wants when he wants it, but otherwise content to sit shelved, and requiring rather little maintenance.  I view a state of being owned as something deeper and more internal, with or without housekeeping.  So, the upshot in this instance seems to be "if you don't want to be owned my way, you evidently don't want to be owned at all.  Figure out what you want, or you'll never have anything."

Hmm.  Is there a pattern here?

Anyway, I'm still wondering about carts and horses....  about being drawn in by a compelling D/s dynamic when there's not quite enough in common otherwise to support the whole relationship, versus being drawn in by a compelling connection and adjusting one's expectations of the D/s.  Flexibility vs. "knowing what you want."  Priorities vs. processes.

Sorry-- still rather scattered.  But I appreciate your (and everyone's) taking the time to reply.  Much food for (scattered) thought...


< Message edited by sravaka -- 8/14/2009 7:43:13 AM >

_____________________________

Miseries hold me fixed, and I would gladly cut these roots to become a floating plant. I would yield myself up utterly, if the inviting stream could be relied upon. --Ono no Komachi

(in reply to CaringandReal)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: "you need to figure out what you want" - 8/14/2009 7:46:02 AM   
Andalusite


Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline 		When I was looking, a lot of guys seemed confused about my being open to so many different orientations and activities. Like you said in your post, I was seeking a compatible *PERSON*, who also needed to not be incompatible with my play style. It's more about *how* I feel about him and how he uses it than what the specific toy or technique is.

There were some things that were *very* important to me, but they weren't things I could plug in as a search criteria. I don't find e-harmony or ok-cupid type checklists helpful, a lot of it was pretty gut-level reaction, though there were plenty of things to discuss as starting points.

I wasn't looking for a specific BDSM orientation, or height, or ethnic group, or fetishes. I was open to a D/s relationship *if* I had that connection with that specific person (on either side), but I was also open to an egalitarian kinky relationship. I cared more about whether we got along with each other's friends, if we had compatible approaches to D/s, how interesting he was to talk with, if he was willing to support me in my hobbies (not financially, but asking me questions, cheering me on, maybe coming to watch occasionally), if we had a compatible sense of humour, if he had the right kind of pheremones/chemistry with me, stuff like that.

(in reply to sravaka)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: "you need to figure out what you want" - 8/14/2009 7:46:40 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		You and I see this the same way sravaka. As I have said many a time, Carol and I have no interest in sitting down and drawing up lists of all the ways we won't please each other. In fact, we don't draw up lists of all the ways we will please each other either. We're just living our lives together and exploring ourselves and each other... together.

This paragraph:
I seek a pair bond. I seek it the same way any conventional vanilla person might--- I want shared interests and sensibilities, a shared sense of humor, intellectual and emotional connectedness. I want to feel valued... perhaps even loved, by someone whom I value and love. I just happen to want it with a sharp, if not absolute, power imbalance, (And, you know, lots of kinky sex.)

I thought expresses quite clearly what you want. Is there some confusion there? Honestly, if I was meeting some girl and she wanted to go over limits with me, like you I'd be confused. I guess the answer to "what I want" would either be "YOU" or "NOT YOU" -- details to follow after 40 years of marriage.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to sravaka)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: "you need to figure out what you want" - 8/14/2009 7:56:54 AM   
SteelofUtah


Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline 		I found happiness when I stopped defining what it had to be before getting involved and started seeking what it would and could be after getting involved.

I find that the Lifestyle world is a little different in how things work relationship wise because there is a whole series of events and things that we have to be okay with that a vanilla relationship would never have to consider.

So rather than seeking individual acts I instead looked at how dedicated a relationship it was going to be. I looked at how willing she was to trying new things and how stuborn that she COULD be should I require something she really not wish to do.

In Effect instead of figuring out exactly what I wanted I figured out what I didn't want and sought women who either didn't do any of those things or did them so rarely that I was willing to live with it.

I do think that people who have this love dream of how a relationship HAS to be are rediculous and petty, but if it makes them happy to live in that love dream then it has nothing to do with me, they just would not be an acceptable match for me.

When someone tells you that you need to figure out what you want I find it comes from two different places most offten. The First place is that they want you to give them a firm understanding of how you wish to operate in a relationship they are asking for the Foundation Rules, what is it that you absolutely need to be content in a relationship. The Second Place is when what you say you want is a glob of contradicting things. "I want someone who will take charge but knows when to back off and let me take care of things." or "I want someone who will push and test my limits but will back off immediatly when I get scared." These are things we say when we want to SOUND like we are open to something we aren't.

I have used this phrase MANY times and when I say it, it is always because they want to call themselves submissive or slave but they are holding hostage all their control to the point that their idea of a Power Dynamic is a Power Struggle .... inside themselves and to me that is a problem when starting out what it is that we do.

Steel

_____________________________

Just Steel
Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

(in reply to sravaka)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: "you need to figure out what you want" - 8/14/2009 8:17:56 AM   
Andalusite


Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah
I found happiness when I stopped defining what it had to be before getting involved and started seeking what it would and could be after getting involved. I find that the Lifestyle world is a little different in how things work relationship wise because there is a whole series of events and things that we have to be okay with that a vanilla relationship would never have to consider. So rather than seeking individual acts I instead looked at how dedicated a relationship it was going to be. I looked at how willing she was to trying new things and how stuborn that she COULD be should I require something she really not wish to do.

I've responded to a few of your posts in the past, and *THIS* is exactly what I was trying to convey! I'm so glad it worked for you, and that you found someone who meshes with you and Andi. Checklists are worthless,, especially the kink ones - there are plenty of things that I generally love, but would hate/would be too much for me if done without a warmup, or too hard, or whatever, and I try to be openminded that I can find a way to enjoy almost anything if he takes it slowly and maybe combines it at first with something I *do* like.

(in reply to SteelofUtah)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: "you need to figure out what you want" - 8/14/2009 8:36:15 AM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline
quote:

Is there any other pocket of relationship-seeking where you're supposed to have it all figured out in advance?? I think this is not normal, or reasonable.... and yet it is everywhere here (cm) or wherever where perverts attempt to hook up.


Truly, if you want -any- healthy relationship -anywhere-... vanilla, chocolate, BDSM, GLBT, job, corner grocer -- then you'd better be able and willing to figure out what you -want- first. You need to have at least the -foundations- figured out in advance, and know what you're -looking- for and what you're -not- looking for, at least in a very broad sense. You're probably going to get lousy bacon from the vegetable stand, and you're going to have a hard time finding a job as a plumber on a medical-staffing site. You're going to have a hard time finding someone into BDSM or looking for a gay lover on "www.imstraightandmissionary.com"... so yes, I really think it -is- important, in every walk of life to have at least a rough outline of what you want.

Nobody has it all figured out in advance -- NOBODY... but having a solid sketch of what you suspect will work for you will definitely improve the chances of finding a working match, IME. While I agree that the whole "checklists" thing and such are pretty much a waste of time, I think that knowing yourself and knowing what you are and aren't looking for, and how you prioritize the relationships in your life, can make or break a person's success in developing/growing relationships across the board.

Dame Calla

< Message edited by CallaFirestormBW -- 8/14/2009 8:47:45 AM >

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to sravaka)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: "you need to figure out what you want" - 8/14/2009 9:00:43 AM   
Jeptha


Posts: 780
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Portland, Oregon
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sravaka...So, the upshot in this instance seems to be "if you don't want to be owned my way, you evidently don't want to be owned at all. Figure out what you want, or you'll never have anything."

Clearly, though, this did not fit in with what you want, which is a relationship (or, at least, a budding relationship with a long distance dominant) that doesn't seriously compromise (to the point of impairment) your other life goals and arrangements - your life, in general.

I think the dom fellow was asking a relatively reasonable question; do you want D/s on his terms? The eminently reasonable answer would appear to be "no".

Edit to add: I disagree with the domly premise, as stated, though: I do think you can have a D/s relationship without compromising other areas of your life - as long as you are able to give *something* of yourself to the relationship.

You can do it on your terms, whichever side of the slash you're on - and , generally speaking, it needn't be an either/or proposition.
quote:


Anyway, I'm still wondering about carts and horses.... about being drawn in by a compelling D/s dynamic when there's not quite enough in common otherwise to support the whole relationship, versus being drawn in by a compelling connection and adjusting one's expectations of the D/s. Flexibility vs. "knowing what you want." Priorities vs. processes.


The answer depends on where you're at, I think.

If you've had an abundance of D/s stuff, then maybe you're ready to let the next relationship be connection-driven, without demanding that it meet all of your dream-kink criteria.

Or, just the opposite; you could be in a place where you've compromised a little on D/s stuff in order to explore chemistry with someone, but now you miss it and have readjusted your relationship "goals" (if you will.)

For instance, right now I say up front that I'm into humiliation and objectification to some degree.

I feel I should say that, because 1) that is something I want to explore and play with in a relationship, and 2) it seems to be something that people either grasp or don't grasp.

If people don't get it, I don't believe in "converting" them to it. Possible, maybe; but I think a sort of intuitive grasp of what's going just makes it resonate a little more in some way.

So , I guess the cart and horse analogy doesn't work so well, because; can't you put your cart right next to your horse?

< Message edited by Jeptha -- 8/14/2009 9:12:06 AM >

_____________________________

...YOU KNOW HOW I LIKE MY PORK CHOPS!
- - - - - - -
"....(somewhere) therein lies the truthiness..."
~*~*~*~*
http://www.myspace.com/crocusofiron

(in reply to sravaka)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: "you need to figure out what you want" - 8/14/2009 9:19:24 AM   
AnimusRex


Posts: 2165
Joined: 5/13/2006
Status: offline 		It is interesting, the phrase "What do you want";
All too often it means what do you want in terms of specific sex or kink acts;
I find that a bit odd- as if the attraction to a person depended solely on shared interests (hey, I like fisting and bluegrass music- so do you! we were made for each other!) It reminds Me of the "computer dating" that was created in the 1960's where a crude database would pair people up based on a simple checklist of interests.

Kim and I have very different tastes in many things; but personality and character type  is what attracts us together.

So to the Op, I understand your point- that what you want will vary dramatically, depending on the person- and in the end, that is part of what makes relationships interesting, is that you end up discovering things you never would have thought of had you not been attracted to someone.

Your first instinct was probably right- you do know what you want- it just wasn't them.

(in reply to Jeptha)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: "you need to figure out what you want" - 8/14/2009 9:42:20 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Some people have less flexibility than others. In order to enter into a relationship with them, you need to be more defined, to know if you can live within their guidelines.

Others are more flexible and are willing to work details out.

If you are attracted to less flexible people, then you do need to know if what they want is something you can do. And I wonder if there isn't a certain amount of inverse relationship between flexibility and TPE? That a dominant who wants everything his way, and knows what it is he wants, is not willing to waste six months with someone who doesn't know if she shares his wishes?

What I do believe is that the less flexible person needs to be able to identify what they want. Because those who are more flexible, or simply less experienced, won't even think about some of the things on the list that they may well be expected to do, or to eschew.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to AnimusRex)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: "you need to figure out what you want" - 8/14/2009 10:01:54 AM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Some people have less flexibility than others. In order to enter into a relationship with them, you need to be more defined, to know if you can live within their guidelines.

Others are more flexible and are willing to work details out.

If you are attracted to less flexible people, then you do need to know if what they want is something you can do. And I wonder if there isn't a certain amount of inverse relationship between flexibility and TPE? That a dominant who wants everything his way, and knows what it is he wants, is not willing to waste six months with someone who doesn't know if she shares his wishes?

What I do believe is that the less flexible person needs to be able to identify what they want. Because those who are more flexible, or simply less experienced, won't even think about some of the things on the list that they may well be expected to do, or to eschew.

30 points.


_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
CM Hall Monitor

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: "you need to figure out what you want" - 8/14/2009 11:05:09 AM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline 		Flexibility and a willingness to explore are great things...up to a point.  If you are willing to explore all with every single partner you play with, no matter how casual the relationship, then the question could be put forth of "what do you bring to this relationship that is special?"  Seems to me that there is nothing wrong with telling someone "you need to figure out what you want" especially with the caveat of "and what type of person you want it with".

I'm open to many things but when I decided almost 3 years ago to take a break from pursuing the next D/s relationship, I sat back and looked at several things pretty starkly.  One thing I discovered was that my "openness and flexibility" left me vulnerable to being shaped to suit whatever dynamic the submissive wanted.  Instead of MY laying out the structure and the two of us fleshing it out, I rolled with her flow and then, dominated her.  The other thing I found was that my being "open and flexible" left me dealing with submissives who had explored everything with everybody and who, rather than looking forward to exploring something "she always wanted to explore with someone special" were instead bored and somewhat jaded and who now had the approach of "been there, done that, won't do it again...not even for you".  

So now I too am open about many things but I also know what I don't want.  I don't want the submissive who in telling me what she wants puts themselves in that place that Steel described thusly:  "The Second Place is when what you say you want is a glob of contradicting things. "I want someone who will take charge but knows when to back off and let me take care of things." or "I want someone who will push and test my limits but will back off immediatly when I get scared." These are things we say when we want to SOUND like we are open to something we aren't. "
 
I don't want the submissive who has never learned, who who doesn't feel the need to learn, that for some people that they might want to consider as a serious partner...like me for instance...when you will do anything with anyone, pretty soon there is nothing special left to offer that someone special.   And no, just saying "well, the CONNECTION we have is special".  It probably was for the last special person too.  There are things I won't do with casual partners and they aren't just emotional things...there are certain BDSM elements of play, certain D/s elements, certain sexual elements that I don't do with each partner. (SURPRISE!!!!   A guy who admits that he doesn't want to do the same sexual/play thing with every single partner) Those I reserve for a special someone and if I never get to do them again...then I at least know that the ones I did it with, I did it with because those girls WERE something special to me and they know that they were something special to me because I DIDN'T open up my flexibility to the same extent with every single partner I ever had.

That doesn't make me better than anyone...or worse...or judgemental except to the extent of what I DON'T want.



< Message edited by CreativeDominant -- 8/14/2009 11:09:30 AM >

(in reply to sravaka)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: "you need to figure out what you want" - 8/14/2009 11:13:22 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		I agree with NZ Des... well stated.

Although, for me, it is flexibility that enables the TPE as opposed to hindering it. I do TPE because I like to be extreme and control is my interest... not because I'm inflexible.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: "you need to figure out what you want" - 8/14/2009 11:23:38 AM   
Jeptha


Posts: 780
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Portland, Oregon
Status: offline 		~fast reply~

The only time I think about carts before horses is when people feel seriously emotionally involved and start to express the need to make serious commitments (i.e. , create expectations) to people they haven't had much (or any) real life experience with.

_____________________________

...YOU KNOW HOW I LIKE MY PORK CHOPS!
- - - - - - -
"....(somewhere) therein lies the truthiness..."
~*~*~*~*
http://www.myspace.com/crocusofiron

(in reply to Jeptha)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: "you need to figure out what you want" - 8/14/2009 1:22:09 PM   
sravaka


Posts: 314
Joined: 6/20/2008
Status: offline 		Wow... so much wisdom here.  Thank you all very, very much for taking the time to weigh in!

One quick reply for now:

Jeptha said:
quote:

The only time I think about carts before horses is when people feel seriously emotionally involved and start to express the need to make serious commitments (i.e. , create expectations) to people they haven't had much (or any) real life experience with.


Yeah....  I guess the cart/horse thing isn't quite right as I used it in the op--  they really do need to be side by side. 

I suppose what I was trying to get at is putting D/s compatibility first vs. putting more basic interpersonal stuff first in the relatively early stages of getting to know someone.  The experience I just had with the "you need to figure out what you want" guy involved a sort of whirlwind-wonderful initial period of being on the phone everyday and spending 3 weekends together in the space of a month... and during which we both believed we were vetting intelligently.  Excellent chemistry, shared values across the board, seemed to be on the same page D/s wise and to have plenty in common otherwise, etc., etc....  Then, after being apart for the summer, skyping all the while in the same vein, I spent a week with him, which ended with both of us sort of stunned to find that somehow we're not actually very compatible in any number of practical ways.  I swear, we're both intelligent people, and it seemed like we'd covered the bases more than well enough in hours upon hours of conversation.  But we hadn't.  There's something bizarre about it.  (I still think his "you need to figure out..." was a bit off-base..   it's just a mismatch, and came down in the end to Jeff's wonderfully simple formulation:  YOU (and/or your proposed living situation) vs. NOT YOU.)

So...  I suppose you're exactly right to raise this use of carts and horses.  There was a cart full of abstractions sitting there ready to roll, while the horse of ordinary practical experience was off grazing somewhere.  Or something like that. 

Live and learn.





_____________________________

Miseries hold me fixed, and I would gladly cut these roots to become a floating plant. I would yield myself up utterly, if the inviting stream could be relied upon. --Ono no Komachi

(in reply to Jeptha)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: "you need to figure out what you want" - 8/14/2009 1:38:28 PM   
LillyoftheVally


Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sravaka

This may be too incoherent & scattered to merit considered replies, but I'd love to hear others' views and experiences. Did you know what you wanted before you found it, or have there been surprises? To what extent does defining and circumscribing help, and to what extent does it hurt?





So sometimes I think I know what I want, but upon getting it decide I don't want it, sometimes i don't want anything and love what I get, and sometimes I want something different but give it a bash anyways.

Mostly I have no clue what I want. I sometimes feel so sure, but then I have done the patterns of bad relationships.

I am trying to live by the philosophy of trying things I may not actually think is right for me, because in the past generally what I think is right ends up wrong. Course just living life is a lot harder than it actually sounds. Be still my rambling brain.

_____________________________

'My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.'

Nah I am not happy to see you either

(in reply to sravaka)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> "you need to figure out what you want" Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.125