quote:

ORIGINAL: sravaka

I seek a pair bond.  I seek it the same way any conventional vanilla person might---  I want shared interests and sensibilities, a shared sense of humor, intellectual and emotional connectedness.  I want to feel valued... perhaps even loved, by someone whom I value and love.  I just happen to want it with a sharp, if not absolute, power imbalance,   (And, you know, lots of kinky sex.)

Which is the cart and which is the horse? 

quote:

ORIGINAL: sravaka

Did you know what you wanted before you found it, or have there been surprises?  To what extent does defining and circumscribing help, and to what extent does it hurt?

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ORIGINAL: leadership527

I agree with NZ Des... well stated.

Although, for me, it is flexibility that enables the TPE as opposed to hindering it. I do TPE because I like to be extreme and control is my interest... not because I'm inflexible.

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ORIGINAL: sravaka

This is half topic/half rant.  apologies in advance.

Someone just uttered this sentence to me....  and I'm reflecting.  It's not the first time I've heard it, but in the past I've mostly laughed to myself, thinking "I know perfectly well what I want... it just isn't *you*"   This time it's cutting closer to the core, though?  Or at least, it's getting old.

Is there any other pocket of relationship-seeking where you're supposed to have it all figured out in advance??  I think this is not normal, or reasonable....  and yet it is everywhere here (cm) or wherever where perverts attempt to hook up.

Parts of it are inevitable in any kind of "seeking"-- you do need to know what degree of seriousness you seek and/or are open to, e.g..  I guess if you have a list of limits it's good to be familiar with those too.....      But is there no room for these things to be organic?  At least a little?

I seek a pair bond.  I seek it the same way any conventional vanilla person might---  I want shared interests and sensibilities, a shared sense of humor, intellectual and emotional connectedness.  I want to feel valued... perhaps even loved, by someone whom I value and love.  I just happen to want it with a sharp, if not absolute, power imbalance,   (And, you know, lots of kinky sex.)

Which is the cart and which is the horse? 

Do I really need to have an advance list of "I will do this, but I will not do that"?   What I will or won't do happily depends on the quality of the pair bond.  How happy ('nilla aspects) and contained (d/s aspects) I feel within that bond.  I think that's fairly normal.  I think, even, that there's a sort of balance sheet, though it is crude to put it that way.  If x is sufficiently wonderful, y can be dealt with, whether y is something as extreme as modifying one's painstakingly concocted Life Plan, or as mundane as being willing to assume responsibility for doing laundry in perpetuity.  

How, in view of this, is one to "figure out what you want" before one engages and connects and sees what the possibilities are?

I have no doubt that it would be nicer all around if we could just compare lists of wants and not-wants, run them through a computer even, and determine "yes it will work"/"no it won't" with no muss and no fuss.  But is that true to real (messy) life?  and/or, is it any way to live? 

More to the point...  is it just me, or is this an infinitely greater problem when wiitwd is part of the equation, given the tendency in our circles to self-define (and thereby limit) more extensively or rigidly than "normal" types tend to bother with? 

This may be too incoherent & scattered to merit considered replies, but I'd love to hear others' views and experiences.     Did you know what you wanted before you found it, or have there been surprises?  To what extent does defining and circumscribing help, and to what extent does it hurt?