What does love mean to you? (Full Version)

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BlackOmaha -> What does love mean to you? (8/14/2009 9:52:40 AM)

Hello all, I was given a link to collarme from a married friend of mine whom I suspect is much more familiar with this lifestyle than he lets on. For about two months now, I have been dating a woman who is almost certainly a dedicated sub. I met her at a regional work get-together and after a few dates I really think we "clicked." However, it was apparent to me that things were different with her when we began sleeping together. She would ask to have it rough and be slapped around a little, and to be called a slut.

Now frankly I did not want to be dating a slut, and while I thought it was kinky to whack her bottom a few times, I initially thought of this as abusive behavior, and not an expression of love. But when I saw how she delighted in it, I let my guard down a little, and I found that I could really enjoy it. But now I find myself in a predicament, and I hope someone here can shed some light on it. I am struggling with the decision to be her Dom, or to be her lover. I don't see how I can fill both of these roles for her.

I have done some reading in these boards, and I've been in the chatrooms here (incognito), and there are some options for our future that I am strongly opposed to. I won't have another man satisfy her dominance needs for her. To do that would make me feel submissive and inadequate; if I am not really a Dom, I know for sure I'm not a sub either. I am happy to spank her once in a while (I read about 'maintenance spanking' and it sounds like a lot of fun!) but frankly I do work a lot of hours (and she knows I'm really there because she can call me), and I value my free time. I don't want to spend it all taking care of a child. I have a pretty good idea of what a lifestyle Dom is, but what I don't see in my research is, where does love fit in?

When you take a girl by the hand and give her an evening on the town, what are you doing that makes your heart race? Is it the feeling of control you have over her? Is it the way she looks at you when she feels the safety and restraint of a Dominant man? Or is it just simply being her safety and restraint? Or something else? These are all things I have felt with her, to a degree of course; I am being cautious not to overdo it though I realize that "wait and see" is not an advisable course of action for me. I can see this developing into a long-term relationship for me but again, if I am going to discover in six months that it is not going to work for me then I feel I should break this off now, for the sake of both of our careers and personal lives.

Any advice?



SteelofUtah -> RE: What does love mean to you? (8/14/2009 10:15:57 AM)

This is one of those subjects that is hard to answer because I don't know you and what you total willigness is and I don't kow her and what her NEEDS are.

I will say this, a submissive is still a person, you aren't dealing with some alien creature, she has needs like you have needs and what you may want to stop doing is seeing this as something "Extra" to the existing relationship and start seeing it as a part of the person you are in a relationship with.

Also, is it just the play that she is looking for or is it a Power Dynamic she is needing filled? I ask this because I want to know if we are dealing with a submissive who wants to be under your authority and surrenders to your will, or are talking about a masochist that gets pleasure from pain and occasional humiliation.

You can treat this MANY different ways but the best way is to address with HER what it is she wants and then ask yourself if you can be MORALLY okay with those actions.

I am married to one of my slaves. She is my best friend and I love her very dearly. I am also Polyamorous meaning I do not define love as a something that if I give to one I have less to give to another. Because of this andi and I did some soul searching and we had caryn (Steelslilbit) fall into our lap. I love caryn very dearly as well and I can honestly say I love BOTH of them with all of my heart. That being said I do not love them any less when I am whipping them or beating them with crops or floggers. I still love them and I am in a LOVEING way giving them BOTH what they need when we play.

If you are having a hard time dealing with the Sadistic part of the relationship then that is something you need to discuss and explain to your girl. Tell her that you like to spank her and you like to be in control but that you feel some of the harder things currently are going against your Moral beliefs and that if she is willing to take time and take what you are willing to give her then in time you may become more comfortable with the harder things as you come to learn that they do not come from a negative place but a place of love and understanding.

Love is a very interesting thing in the world of what it is that we do not every Master will be in love with thier slave they somehow believe that loving them would alter the relationship and make it less acceptable for them, other Masters will tell you that without love they could not be their Master. In the end the love will come from you and what you are willing to put in and what you want to get out of it.

Dominant is something that you are or you are not. Sadist is something that you are or you are not. But you do not have to be a Sadist to be a Dominant or be Dominant to be a Sadist. In time you will learn what it is you have in your relationship.

If letting her have a Dominant to serve her masochistical needs makes you uncomfortable then you should NOT DO IT. It will only ruin the relationship and cause bad feelings about what the other gets from someone other than you, however you do need to address what her NEEDS are and what your ability is to meet those needs.

Hope some of that helps

Steel



cornflakegirl -> RE: What does love mean to you? (8/14/2009 10:16:59 AM)

Why do you think that kinky sex and/or BDSM lifestyles and/or love cannot coexist?

My first serious BDSM partner was my best friend, my lover, my boyfriend, and my Dominant. There was no contradiction in those roles.



leadership527 -> RE: What does love mean to you? (8/14/2009 10:47:14 AM)

quote:

BlackOmaha asked, where does love fit in?

Well, different people are going to give you different answers. But for me, love is one of the pillars driving the whole thing and the primary purpose behind it all. I use the authority Carol has granted me to deepen our love affair and it's been a wild, heady ride. In a half-joking sort of way, I say that if most of the folks here are kinksters, then I am a lovester since that's where my interest and fascination lies. The real question though, is not where it fits in for me. The real question is, "Where does love fit in for you?"

quote:

When you take a girl by the hand and give her an evening on the town, what are you doing that makes your heart race? Is it the feeling of control you have over her? Is it the way she looks at you when she feels the safety and restraint of a Dominant man? Or is it just simply being her safety and restraint?

All of those things. And what you didn't mention is the primal,

"*growls* I OWN A GIRL! *scowls at any nearby patrons to see if they want to challenge him for his girl, then thumps chest and returns to seat*

For me, the primal and very sexual context of owning a woman seems to compliment nicely my love affair with that woman. The two reinforce each other and so I just find myself in this heady stew of emotions. I find this to be most starkly in evidence when we are going to bed at night. I will be laying behind her, spooning her, with one arm thrown around her and grasping her handle (a 6" leash I put on her for bed). The combination of protection and possession is just wild.

Out of all the emotions that pass through my head though, the most common is gratitude. The phrase, "Thank you for being mine" or "Thank you for being you" probably escapes my lips 10 times a day... on a slow day.

For me, there is no decision between owning Carol and loving her. Those two things are so intertwined with each other that they might as well be one and the same. Your mileage may vary :)



DesFIP -> RE: What does love mean to you? (8/14/2009 12:02:44 PM)

For us, love came first. I would never have allowed myself to be emotionally vulnerable to someone else otherwise. I'm his best friend, his lover, his sub, his partner.

If she isn't childlike now, she won't become that just because you change the title of the relationship.

She won't magically lose all the skill she now has. Neither will you. And I don't hand over all my responsibilities to him, doubling his burden. He did take on some of my jobs when we moved in together, as I took over some of his. He decides if he can repair the car or if I ought to take it to the shop. I handle day to day banking, as well as the more usual household stuff.

The best example I can give you of how a d/s relationship normally works out is in buying groceries. If he feels like grilling, he tells me to buy steak or burgers and I do it. I buy chocolate marshmallow ice cream, not lemon sherbet. Simple stuff. But we don't argue about it.



maia09 -> RE: What does love mean to you? (8/14/2009 12:16:43 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

quote:

BlackOmaha asked, where does love fit in?

Well, different people are going to give you different answers. But for me, love is one of the pillars driving the whole thing and the primary purpose behind it all. I use the authority Carol has granted me to deepen our love affair and it's been a wild, heady ride. In a half-joking sort of way, I say that if most of the folks here are kinksters, then I am a lovester since that's where my interest and fascination lies. The real question though, is not where it fits in for me. The real question is, "Where does love fit in for you?"

quote:

When you take a girl by the hand and give her an evening on the town, what are you doing that makes your heart race? Is it the feeling of control you have over her? Is it the way she looks at you when she feels the safety and restraint of a Dominant man? Or is it just simply being her safety and restraint?

All of those things. And what you didn't mention is the primal,

"*growls* I OWN A GIRL! *scowls at any nearby patrons to see if they want to challenge him for his girl, then thumps chest and returns to seat*

For me, the primal and very sexual context of owning a woman seems to compliment nicely my love affair with that woman. The two reinforce each other and so I just find myself in this heady stew of emotions. I find this to be most starkly in evidence when we are going to bed at night. I will be laying behind her, spooning her, with one arm thrown around her and grasping her handle (a 6" leash I put on her for bed). The combination of protection and possession is just wild.

Out of all the emotions that pass through my head though, the most common is gratitude. The phrase, "Thank you for being mine" or "Thank you for being you" probably escapes my lips 10 times a day... on a slow day.

For me, there is no decision between owning Carol and loving her. Those two things are so intertwined with each other that they might as well be one and the same. Your mileage may vary :)


WOW!!!!! - very nice.



LaTigresse -> RE: What does love mean to you? (8/14/2009 12:24:28 PM)

You are not really asking what love means to me. What it means to me, has nothing to do with what it means to you.

You need to communicate with her and find out how the two of you can make love and BDSM work for both of you, with one another.

Also, stick around and read A LOT. You will begin to see that most of us are human beings first and kinky perverts second or third or forth.

Many of us either are in, or have been in, long term relationships that involves a great deal of love and usually some wicked good kinky fun. Tuning into these people, really paying attention to how they feel and talk about their relationships, will help you understand how the kink and love co-exist wonderfully.



subtlebutterfly -> RE: What does love mean to you? (8/14/2009 12:39:16 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse
[..] You will begin to see that most of us are human beings first and kinky perverts second or third or forth. [..]

What profiles have you been reading???



LaTigresse -> RE: What does love mean to you? (8/14/2009 1:00:41 PM)

My own, cuz yanno, I am so effing hot I can't help it.........

(please insert much, self depreciating, snort laughter here)



lateralist1 -> RE: What does love mean to you? (8/14/2009 1:13:17 PM)

Thankyou for bringing this topic up again because it is very important to me.
I can dominate anyone but I can't have a BDSM D/s relationship with just anyone.
My sub has to be a very important part of my life.
My lover, my friend, my partner in life.
I'm polyamorous so he doesn't have to be my only partner.
BDSM for me is about love and sex and romance and every aspect of life.
I've always been dominant in my relationships. I like my own way because I'm right not because I'm selfish.
I know myself very well. I know how I feel when I am in control and how I feel when I'm not.
It's natural for me is it for you?
I like what other people consider extremes in life.
I like to push the envelope of relationships.
Honesty, intensity, perfect communication and limitless trust.
Is that the kind of relationships you aspire to?
Do you want to treat your girlfriend as she wants to be treated?
Think about who you are and what you want.
Then make it so.
You don't have to learn about BDSM to do it.
It comes from inside.
Committing to a relationship before you discover if you are right for one another is emotional suicide but ending something before you have found out, just because it might not work out, is stupid.



Acer49 -> RE: What does love mean to you? (8/14/2009 1:20:16 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: BlackOmaha

Hello all, I was given a link to collarme from a married friend of mine whom I suspect is much more familiar with this lifestyle than he lets on. For about two months now, I have been dating a woman who is almost certainly a dedicated sub. I met her at a regional work get-together and after a few dates I really think we "clicked." However, it was apparent to me that things were different with her when we began sleeping together. She would ask to have it rough and be slapped around a little, and to be called a slut.

Now frankly I did not want to be dating a slut, and while I thought it was kinky to whack her bottom a few times, I initially thought of this as abusive behavior, and not an expression of love. But when I saw how she delighted in it, I let my guard down a little, and I found that I could really enjoy it. But now I find myself in a predicament, and I hope someone here can shed some light on it. I am struggling with the decision to be her Dom, or to be her lover. I don't see how I can fill both of these roles for her.

I have done some reading in these boards, and I've been in the chatrooms here (incognito), and there are some options for our future that I am strongly opposed to. I won't have another man satisfy her dominance needs for her. To do that would make me feel submissive and inadequate; if I am not really a Dom, I know for sure I'm not a sub either. I am happy to spank her once in a while (I read about 'maintenance spanking' and it sounds like a lot of fun!) but frankly I do work a lot of hours (and she knows I'm really there because she can call me), and I value my free time. I don't want to spend it all taking care of a child. I have a pretty good idea of what a lifestyle Dom is, but what I don't see in my research is, where does love fit in?

When you take a girl by the hand and give her an evening on the town, what are you doing that makes your heart race? Is it the feeling of control you have over her? Is it the way she looks at you when she feels the safety and restraint of a Dominant man? Or is it just simply being her safety and restraint? Or something else? These are all things I have felt with her, to a degree of course; I am being cautious not to overdo it though I realize that "wait and see" is not an advisable course of action for me. I can see this developing into a long-term relationship for me but again, if I am going to discover in six months that it is not going to work for me then I feel I should break this off now, for the sake of both of our careers and personal lives.

Any advice?


Just an observation

Just because she desires to be called a slut in the bedroom does not mean she will not act like a lady in public. What makes you think you will be taking care of a child? Who told you maintenance spankings were supposed to be “fun?”

Love does not have to “fit into it”. D/S is Dominance and submission, not Dominance, submission, love and kisses. It is not a requirement of either party to be in love, nor should you expect it. Now this is not to say you won't fall in love, many have. Frankly, if you desire love with no effort put forth as your post implies, I suggest you check out a personals site.

“I am not really a Dom” says it all. If you are not now, six moths from now is not going to make you one. Ultimately her needs are going to surpass your comfort level so save yourself and your playmate undue frustrations, move on



Acer49 -> RE: What does love mean to you? (8/14/2009 1:25:01 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

This is one of those subjects that is hard to answer because I don't know you and what you total willigness is and I don't kow her and what her NEEDS are.

I will say this, a submissive is still a person, you aren't dealing with some alien creature, she has needs like you have needs and what you may want to stop doing is seeing this as something "Extra" to the existing relationship and start seeing it as a part of the person you are in a relationship with.

Also, is it just the play that she is looking for or is it a Power Dynamic she is needing filled? I ask this because I want to know if we are dealing with a submissive who wants to be under your authority and surrenders to your will, or are talking about a masochist that gets pleasure from pain and occasional humiliation.

You can treat this MANY different ways but the best way is to address with HER what it is she wants and then ask yourself if you can be MORALLY okay with those actions.

I am married to one of my slaves. She is my best friend and I love her very dearly. I am also Polyamorous meaning I do not define love as a something that if I give to one I have less to give to another. Because of this andi and I did some soul searching and we had caryn (Steelslilbit) fall into our lap. I love caryn very dearly as well and I can honestly say I love BOTH of them with all of my heart. That being said I do not love them any less when I am whipping them or beating them with crops or floggers. I still love them and I am in a LOVEING way giving them BOTH what they need when we play.

If you are having a hard time dealing with the Sadistic part of the relationship then that is something you need to discuss and explain to your girl. Tell her that you like to spank her and you like to be in control but that you feel some of the harder things currently are going against your Moral beliefs and that if she is willing to take time and take what you are willing to give her then in time you may become more comfortable with the harder things as you come to learn that they do not come from a negative place but a place of love and understanding.

Love is a very interesting thing in the world of what it is that we do not every Master will be in love with thier slave they somehow believe that loving them would alter the relationship and make it less acceptable for them, other Masters will tell you that without love they could not be their Master. In the end the love will come from you and what you are willing to put in and what you want to get out of it.

Dominant is something that you are or you are not. Sadist is something that you are or you are not. But you do not have to be a Sadist to be a Dominant or be Dominant to be a Sadist. In time you will learn what it is you have in your relationship.

If letting her have a Dominant to serve her masochistical needs makes you uncomfortable then you should NOT DO IT. It will only ruin the relationship and cause bad feelings about what the other gets from someone other than you, however you do need to address what her NEEDS are and what your ability is to meet those needs.

Hope some of that helps

Steel


Just A thought. I do not see any mention of sadism, masochism or humiliation?, none of which is usually derrived from a few smacks on the butt. however,if itwas then I would say you were on point




CreativeDominant -> RE: What does love mean to you? (8/14/2009 1:28:00 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

My own, cuz yanno, I am so effing hot I can't help it.........

(please insert much, self depreciating, snort laughter here)

I agree...too bad you play for the wrong teams...lesbian AND dominant.  ~deeeeeeeeeeep, deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep heavy sigh~[;)]

Seriously, OP...what love means to me may not be what love means to you.  I see the D/s dynamic as separate from yet undeniably entwined with the romantic relationship but that is for me.  I want my submissive to love me...who I am as a man...to want me...who I am as a man...to need me...who I am as a man...and from there want the dominance that goes with the man.  I love intelligence and I love an ability to laugh.  I love someone who is not afraid to cry because I've hurt her and who knows that crying to manipulate me is her shame, not mine.  I love someone who listens to what I feel, what I have felt, and takes that into their heart and their mind and respects it as my partner and honors it as my submissive every time she puts my feelings or the dynamic's structure ahead of her own wants and feelings. 
I've done the casual D/s thing where the beating and the sex and the D/s were for a weekend and it was great...I won't deny that...but it is not satisfying enough to me.  Luckily...or unluckily, depending on how you look at it...for me, I don't really care whether or not I am fucking/playing with someone.  If I can be while I am searching for that long-term, entwined D/s & romantic relationship, then great.  But if not...oh well...I don't need sex or play or sex/play/scene-specific D/s to round out my life.  My life is pretty good and pretty full what with my practice, my kids, my hot rods, my bike. 



TurboJugend -> RE: What does love mean to you? (8/14/2009 3:07:47 PM)

at OP

not sure what answers you expect about relations. They are all different.
But love and bdsm go well together. I only let subs/slave serve that I love or feel much for.
Other people are able toplay with out emotions attached.
So it can be soemthing for every one.

But as with vanilla relations....bdsm relation can end also...



BlackOmaha -> RE: What does love mean to you? (8/14/2009 4:33:43 PM)

Lots of replies, I'm impressed. I was worried nobody really posts on here. :)

She is very hot, and I want her, and I find her company to be enjoyable, and I can imagine being with her for a very long time, so as many of you have deduced I am trying to work out whether this relationship will last.

quote:

If letting her have a Dominant to serve her masochistical needs makes you uncomfortable then you should NOT DO IT. It will only ruin the relationship and cause bad feelings about what the other gets from someone other than you, however you do need to address what her NEEDS are and what your ability is to meet those needs.

I think this is spot on. I won't allow another man to step in and handle what I can't. Not that I'm saying I can't, mind you; I'm just playing over the situations that could come up. About the sadistic part, yes, I think I can handle it. We're consenting adults. And I also believe she wants to be dominated fully, in and out of the bedroom. I think this because of the way she acts at work and when we go out. She has a very servile attitude that I find alluring, if a little awkward at times. I have stopped opening doors for her and let her do it now.

quote:

Why do you think that kinky sex and/or BDSM lifestyles and/or love cannot coexist?

This isn't exactly what I think. I just fear that if it's true, I can't make it work. I have read some pretty broad statements on here like "you're a vanilla guy and she needs a Dom," which suggest that love itself is not enough, though Dominance alone may be. I find the thought of being her Dom forever and not sharing the love I've had in previous relationships to be a little lonely and sad.


BTW: I have not been in a long term relationship for a while. I have been mostly having "flings" that fade away over the space of weeks or months, where we both just stop trying after awhile. It's less traumatic I suppose but it makes me expect less from relationships, and I am beginning to feel things for her so I know I'm nearing the point at which things get either worse or better.


quote:

All of those things. And what you didn't mention is the primal,

"*growls* I OWN A GIRL! *scowls at any nearby patrons to see if they want to challenge him for his girl, then thumps chest and returns to seat*

For me, the primal and very sexual context of owning a woman seems to compliment nicely my love affair with that woman. The two reinforce each other and so I just find myself in this heady stew of emotions. I find this to be most starkly in evidence when we are going to bed at night. I will be laying behind her, spooning her, with one arm thrown around her and grasping her handle (a 6" leash I put on her for bed). The combination of protection and possession is just wild.

Out of all the emotions that pass through my head though, the most common is gratitude. The phrase, "Thank you for being mine" or "Thank you for being you" probably escapes my lips 10 times a day... on a slow day.

For me, there is no decision between owning Carol and loving her. Those two things are so intertwined with each other that they might as well be one and the same. Your mileage may vary :)

This is amazing stuff. I have been reading your posts in other threads btw. What you have is what I want. I am just hoping that it will fall together for me as well. Did you come to this perspective over a long and heartbreaking series of relationships, or were you just very perceptive from the start?

quote:


“I am not really a Dom” says it all. If you are not now, six moths from now is not going to make you one. Ultimately her needs are going to surpass your comfort level so save yourself and your playmate undue frustrations, move on


I never said that. I said IF I am not really a Dom. My belief is that if I feel comfortable being in control of her, not just on the dance floor but always, then i am a Dom, but one does not just know this sort of thing, and I refuse to believe that someone can read a few of my words and determine it for me just like that. Maybe it is something you're born with, but so what? How do you know if you're left-handed? What if you were raised with your dominant arm in traction for the first ten years of your life? You would probably get pretty good at using your right hand, wouldn't you? Do you think Jimi Hendrix would have been as good at the guitar if he'd taken music class in school and learned to play the instrument the "correct" way? (he wasn't left-handed btw.. he just did what seemed natural even though it conflicted with the rest of the musical world.) I say you don't know until you've been there.

Oh and I have no idea if maintenance spanking should be fun or not. I find it fun, is all.

I am getting the general idea that for some submissive women, love is not even a necessary part of life. Simply submitting gives them what they need. I just worry that maybe this particular submissive woman has sought me out as a candidate because of my position at work (which is not very glamorous let me tell you), and is hoping that I will dominate her without expecting to be loved back.

I never thought of it like this! This is almost like therapy (which I will probably experience next at some point if this keeps up, :) ) Anyway, do I sound like I'm making any sense? Does this ever happen? And I'm not saying I could not be there for her, but if this is indeed the case then I suppose I need to accept the fact that love may never be a part of what we have together, right?



SouthernSpankin -> RE: What does love mean to you? (8/14/2009 4:34:46 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BlackOmaha

... For about two months now, I have been dating a woman who is almost certainly a dedicated sub. I met her at a regional work get-together and after a few dates I really think we "clicked." However, it was apparent to me that things were different with her when we began sleeping together. She would ask to have it rough and be slapped around a little, and to be called a slut.

Now frankly I did not want to be dating a slut, and while I thought it was kinky to whack her bottom a few times, I initially thought of this as abusive behavior, and not an expression of love. But when I saw how she delighted in it, I let my guard down a little, and I found that I could really enjoy it. But now I find myself in a predicament, and I hope someone here can shed some light on it. I am struggling with the decision to be her Dom, or to be her lover. I don't see how I can fill both of these roles for her.

I have done some reading in these boards, and I've been in the chatrooms here (incognito), and there are some options for our future that I am strongly opposed to. I won't have another man satisfy her dominance needs for her. ... I am happy to spank her once in a while (I read about 'maintenance spanking' and it sounds like a lot of fun!) but frankly I do work a lot of hours (and she knows I'm really there because she can call me), and I value my free time. I don't want to spend it all taking care of a child. I have a pretty good idea of what a lifestyle Dom is, but what I don't see in my research is, where does love fit in? ... I can see this developing into a long-term relationship for me but again, if I am going to discover in six months that it is not going to work for me then I feel I should break this off now, for the sake of both of our careers and personal lives.

Any advice?


Based on what you wrote, I don't see where you are getting these ideas that she is into being a sub or you a being a Dom or having another man be her Dom, or spanking, or lifestyle BDSM. All you wrote is that she likes rough sex, being slapped around a little, and to be called a slut (a lot of vanilla girls that love that). One of my best friends loves rough sex, loves having her ass smacked while she's getting fucked doggy-style and has a fantasy of being fucked by three guys at once. But she is not into being called a slut (not even during rough sex), she is not into being spanked (other that while she is being fucked) and she is not into BDSM.

Other than telling you that she likes rough sex, being slapped around a little during sex, and to be called a slut during sex... what else did she tell you?





SouthernSpankin -> RE: What does love mean to you? (8/14/2009 4:47:43 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BlackOmaha

I also believe she wants to be dominated fully, in and out of the bedroom. I think this because of the way she acts at work and when we go out. She has a very servile attitude that I find alluring, if a little awkward at times. I have stopped opening doors for her and let her do it now.
..
I am getting the general idea that for some submissive women, love is not even a necessary part of life. Simply submitting gives them what they need. I just worry that maybe this particular submissive woman has sought me out as a candidate because of my position at work (which is not very glamorous let me tell you), and is hoping that I will dominate her without expecting to be loved back.

... do I sound like I'm making any sense? Does this ever happen? And I'm not saying I could not be there for her, but if this is indeed the case then I suppose I need to accept the fact that love may never be a part of what we have together, right?


Just because she acts submissive and has a very servile attitude doesn't mean she's into BDSM. She might be into it, she might not be into. Ask her and see what she says.

Yeah, I know what you are saying about how it seems that some BDSM subs are willing to be submissive even to the point where there partner is not romantic or loving with them at all. But I seriously doubt your girl is into that, even if she is into BDSM in the first place. Most BDSM subs don't like it when their romantic relationships lose the romance and the love.



pyroaquatic -> RE: What does love mean to you? (8/14/2009 5:02:10 PM)

quote:


L is for the way you look at me
O is for the only one I see
V is very, very extraordinary
E is even more than anyone that you adore can

Love is all that I can give to you
Love is more than just a game for two
Two in love can make it
Take my heart and please don't break it
Love was made for me and you


:p

So she likes it a little naughty. Good luck with that tap-tap a tappin' on her booty. As it has been said before and well be said a thousand times more:

COMMUNICATION.

Which is what makes a relationship.





BlackOmaha -> RE: What does love mean to you? (8/14/2009 5:14:40 PM)

quote:

Love does not have to “fit into it”. D/S is Dominance and submission, not Dominance, submission, love and kisses. It is not a requirement of either party to be in love, nor should you expect it. Now this is not to say you won't fall in love, many have. Frankly, if you desire love with no effort put forth as your post implies, I suggest you check out a personals site.

“I am not really a Dom” says it all. If you are not now, six moths from now is not going to make you one. Ultimately her needs are going to surpass your comfort level so save yourself and your playmate undue frustrations, move on



Hang on a sec.

People have told me the same things and I'm not sure they are accepted BDSM dogma. You seem either very jaded, or resentful that someone like myself or Black would intrude on your territory. I don't mean to be a jerk, but you must realize you've got something good and I see no reason why you'd want the rest of us not to discover something that seems to be very satisfying and fulfilling.. or maybe it's not? Do you engage in the BDSM lifestyle simply because it's hard work and you are proud of being good at what you do? If all of this is true, maybe "being a true Dominant" means, "being an interpersonal workaholic."

I, for one, don't think it needs to be hard work. You don't raise children simply because it's hard work. You don't take up a musical instrument simply because it's difficult. There is a reward there. You see your efforts rewarded with not only success but beauty as well. The expression of the child that runs from the school bus proudly waving his report card, eager to show you how your support of his schoolwork has empowered him. The amazing sense of accomplishment you feel when you finally nail a solo that you have stumbled over for months, and get to hear it for the first time coming from your own hands and breath. As if something that beautiful could have come out of your labors. That is what would motivate me to work at a relationship. And I see it as being little different than what I'm accustomed to doing; holding doors, pulling out chairs, remembering anniversaries. You do the work because it makes you feel good knowing that someone else appreciates it. What do the girls say at the end of those BDSM porn videos? "Thank you, master." And what do they say when you pull out a chair? "Thank you, sweetie." I don't get why so many Doms here want newcomers like us to feel like we just missed out on a particular gene.

I know I said it before, but I realized a few days ago that this isn't a birthright, and the more I think about it, the more I realize how much sense it makes. How can anyone say he/she was born dominant and always knew it, unless that person skipped over being a toddler and kicked his way out of the birth canal yelling, "bitch fix me a bottle!" Yes, there are alpha males in our species just like anywhere else, but we have the desire and ability to do something about it.



Missokyst -> RE: What does love mean to you? (8/14/2009 5:31:46 PM)

I don't know about anyone else but it sort of irks me that you keep referring back to this as if you are dealing with a child.  Unless she is in some way mentally deficient she probably is just as adult as anyone else.  Submissives just have an inordinate desire to please their partner, and sometimes random strangers.  The only thing childlike about that is the wish to be liked.

Yes, there can be love and bdsm. 
Love is mental. Love is reacting to compatibility, desire, need, wants, chemistry, ect.  BDSM is physical (although much is also mental).  BDSM is action, love is reaction.

And please do not base your thoughts on bdsm on things you see in porn.  Porn, exciting as it may be rarely gets things right.  It is designed to get you hard, not to make you think.  In addition it is created more for a male's fantasy rather than a female's.  Which would work fine, if your sub friend is male. 


quote:

ORIGINAL: BlackOmaha
You don't raise children simply because it's hard work.  You do the work because it makes you feel good knowing that someone else appreciates it. What do the girls say at the end of those BDSM porn videos? "Thank you, master."
I know I said it before, but I realized a few days ago that this isn't a birthright,



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