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RE: What does love mean to you? - 8/14/2009 5:36:44 PM   
traceoflace


Posts: 17
Joined: 7/26/2009
Status: offline 		Love and D/s can very much go hand in hand.

I serve my Man because I love him.
He gives me what I need because he loves me.
I submit to his every sexual need because I love him and want him happy.
He spoils me rotten because he loves me and wants me happy.
I give him blow jobs cause I love him and I know he enjoys them
He spanks me and calls me slut because he loves me and knows I enjoy it.

See very simple

Is it always about love for every couple?  Nope, but it can very easily be for others.

(in reply to BlackOmaha)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: What does love mean to you? - 8/14/2009 5:42:04 PM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BlackOmaha

I can see this developing into a long-term relationship for me but again, if I am going to discover in six months that it is not going to work for me then I feel I should break this off now, for the sake of both of our careers and personal lives.

Any advice?

This is called recursive thinking...in other words doing the future in terms of the past. (If someone is not actyally tying me to the bed head you can bet they'e tying me to who i used to be).
Recursion has nothing to do with bdsm dynamics and is just a pattern of dealing with problems.
I don't know you. But the way I do bdsm is that it has evrything to do with the here and now. If it works it works. If it doesn't work it doesn't. It's a brutal word.... not in terms of abuse but in terms of honesty.


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To my stalker:
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(in reply to BlackOmaha)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: What does love mean to you? - 8/14/2009 5:57:21 PM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline 		FR

BDSM is a bit like life, and then again it's like love - it's the doing which is important and which leads to the knowing.

You can research it and read up about it all you like, form whatever theories you wish, but until you experience it you will never know for sure.

_____________________________

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(in reply to BlackOmaha)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: What does love mean to you? - 8/14/2009 6:04:01 PM   
traceoflace


Posts: 17
Joined: 7/26/2009
Status: offline 		also there is a big difference between a girl being a slut to everyone and being YOUR slut.

I dated a guy who refered to me as HIS slut, in the privacy of our bedroom, but lord help the man who got too friendly with me for his liking. 

(in reply to stella41b)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: What does love mean to you? - 8/14/2009 6:24:16 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		~FR~

Love within a D/s context? The same as it does outside of one. It is expressed in some similar ways and in some ways that are very different from my other relationships. All of those things you listed as part of how you might love someone within a relationship are all potentially valid for a D/s relationship. Add to that something I said that made my partner smile one day, "I know there is deep and abiding love in every cane stroke." and you start to get the picture. It is about sharing each others' lives and knowing each other deeply, meeting each others' needs, both those that are very average and the ones that are a bit harder to accept in some cases.

It is simply an intimate relationship. There isn't some strange and exotic code of conduct to follow. It isn't some strange appendage to an otherwise "normal" relationship. If it is something that has to be forced, it isn't a good fit. If it is simply something that is new, but feels right, then if she can have patience with you as you grow, there is a great potential.

All this being said, I had to address this:

quote:

ORIGINAL: BlackOmaha

I don't want to spend it all taking care of a child.



If that is truly your opinion of a submissive person, please just don't even bother. There is nothing childish about submissioin. There is nothing weak or defective about it. This just hit me very wrong and I just had to say something. My apologies if I misunderstood.

lovingpet

(in reply to BlackOmaha)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: What does love mean to you? - 8/14/2009 7:16:01 PM   
NBCNCO


Posts: 18
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline 		I think being entrusted with a sub can be very much like taking care of a child. I know (or at least I think I know) a lot of professional women live as subs; they have their lives under control except what they give up; this is obviously not the same as a child who either can't control their own lives, or in attempting to do so screw it all up. What about Daddy Doms? What sort of dynamic is going on here?

< Message edited by NBCNCO -- 8/14/2009 7:19:15 PM >

(in reply to Missokyst)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: What does love mean to you? - 8/14/2009 7:30:40 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		Depending on the particulars of the relationship, there can be an element of actual child "care" involved, but it is consentual and based on adult needs (the conscious awareness that they need some time to be little again). Not all D/lg relationships deal in regression either, nor are they in place because the lg can't handle her own affairs properly. This is a choice to place control of certain, and in some cases all, aspects of the submissive's life in the hands of someone who can be trusted and will manage them well. It takes a massive amount of common sense, relationship savvy, and decision making skills to select the right person for the job. I do not accept the comparison to a child as valid at all.

lovingpet

(in reply to NBCNCO)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: What does love mean to you? - 8/14/2009 7:34:19 PM   
traceoflace


Posts: 17
Joined: 7/26/2009
Status: offline 		The difference is... as much care as "Daddy's little girl" might need, ultimately she is an adult and SHOULD be able to take care of herself.  A Dom can leave his submissive alone for a week when he is out of town on business and know she will be ok.  Leaving a 5 year old child at home for a week.... not an option unless you want CPS knocking at your door.

(in reply to lovingpet)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: What does love mean to you? - 8/14/2009 7:43:23 PM   
NBCNCO


Posts: 18
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline 		I thought that was what video games were for.

quote:

Leaving a 5 year old child at home for a week

(in reply to traceoflace)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: What does love mean to you? - 8/14/2009 7:46:21 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		No, that only works if they are an adult 5 year old AND likes them darned things! LOL

lovingpet

quote:

ORIGINAL: NBCNCO

I thought that was what video games were for.

quote:

Leaving a 5 year old child at home for a week





(in reply to NBCNCO)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: What does love mean to you? - 8/14/2009 9:04:29 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		Even as a child I owned my own business. I had more money coming in than any kid around.  I also have a house, a car, put my kids through college.  I can.. *gasp* function in society as a leader, and sometimes I step down from that role and submit to someone else.  If I am not mistaken that makes me an adult who is capable of fitting in where I need to, when I need to.
Not everyone looks to be cared for as if they were incapable.  How tiresome that would be!


quote:

ORIGINAL: NBCNCO

I think being entrusted with a sub can be very much like taking care of a child. I know (or at least I think I know) a lot of professional women live as subs; they have their lives under control except what they give up; this is obviously not the same as a child who either can't control their own lives, or in attempting to do so screw it all up. What about Daddy Doms? What sort of dynamic is going on here?

(in reply to NBCNCO)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: What does love mean to you? - 8/15/2009 7:16:33 PM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		Getting away from the child thing ... I can see how reading certain things could have led the OP to this ... what's important to acknowledge is that being a Dom does mean WORK. There's a lot of decision-making and thinking involved. Whether that work is worthwhile is determined by the success of the outcomes ... if it creates one happy sub who in turn makes the Dom happy ... that's a good outcome! Being both Domme and sub, from experience, it takes far more strength to be submissive. To yield your will is a lot harder than imposing it ie saying what Your will is and expecting someone to obey it. The s side is the scarier place to be as it takes a lot of trust in the D type to follow. That said, the D type has to have sufficient strength of character to have a vision of leadership and the means to make it happen. The two interact.

Can there be love? For sure, if that's what you both want. I have found the love to be so much deeper and more satisfying than vanilla love simply because the BDSM has been a means to being much more open, more transparent, more vulnerable than in most vanilla relationships. There is much less gamesmanship going on, less "under the table power struggles" because in BDSM there is the encouragement and need to put things on the table and negotiate them. That doesn't mean that's always the result of BDSM (read the threads on topping from the bottom!) but it more easily can be.

I also don't think that BDSM is an excuse for good manners to slip out of the door either. Master opens some doors for me, i open some for Him, depends on who gets there first really. But He remembers my birthday, takes great care to buy a really special card and writes very special words in it ... possibly more care than my first vanilla hubby did! He doesn't bark orders at me, He asks me to do things for Him. He doesn't treat me like a child ... He treats me like the mature, intelligent woman that i am. He gets my input on things and takes it seriously, though His is the final decision. We show each other our love for each other in kind words and actions every single day. It's definitely not lonely ... for either of us. So OP, don't think it has to be that way by some BDSM rule ... it can be what you both want it to be and make it. There is freedom in this lifestyle!

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to Missokyst)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: What does love mean to you? - 8/16/2009 10:08:13 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

BlackOmaha said:
This is amazing stuff. I have been reading your posts in other threads btw. What you have is what I want. I am just hoping that it will fall together for me as well. Did you come to this perspective over a long and heartbreaking series of relationships, or were you just very perceptive from the start?

Well, at the age of 45, haven't we all had some heart breaks? In my case, there are two vanilla divorces behind me. But I've always been a student of relationships and love. I did, however, have to come to some comfort with this new mode our marriage is in. I'd say it took me about 12-18 months to get comfortable with it. Well, as comfortable as I'll ever be anyway. When things get comfortable is when I push the envelope again.

Since what I've built is appeaing to you.. or at least pieces of it... if you'd like more details on how, exactly I did it or answers to specific questions, feel free to drop me a private cmail.

quote:

I am getting the general idea that for some submissive women, love is not even a necessary part of life. Simply submitting gives them what they need.

Perhaps, but I have to tell you that I've queried in depth on this topic I have yet to find anyone for whom service, in and of itself, is all they need. Usually, this is just a romanticization of the whole "slave" concept. But hey, if any of you subs are out there reading this and you really DO just want to serve, let me know. There's a ton of painting still to do on our house and I could use someone to pack up all our crap. Nope, I'm not offering anything whatsoever in return, but hey, it's a chance to serve, right? (*tongue in cheek for the humor impaired*)

Also, on the whole "love" topic, I'd like to point out that some people seem allergic to the word. But then when they spell out what it is they actually DO want in their relationship, it ends up sounding a lot like love to me. Like, "I don't need or want love in my relationship, I just want my Master to respect me, trust me, and care about me, my needs, and my desires and dreams." Uh.. yeah... not love.. check.

quote:

I just worry that maybe this particular submissive woman has sought me out as a candidate because of my position at work (which is not very glamorous let me tell you), and is hoping that I will dominate her without expecting to be loved back.

OK, I'm skeptical. You, clearly, are wanting a loving relationship. I have a hard time believing you wouldn't have rejected anyone offering a loveless one out of hand ad automatically. I'd recommend double checking your work here.

quote:

...I suppose I need to accept the fact that love may never be a part of what we have together, right?
Yeah, it'd be a cold day in hell before I accepted such a thing. I don't know how it is for other masters, but frankly exercising this much control over Carol and doing it consisently to the best of my abilities is a fucking pain in the ass. There is no amount of blowjobs that would even begin to make it worth while for me. I cannot, for the life of me, imagine why I'd go through all the trouble for anything less than a full-contact relationship.

edited to add: I should've mentioned that yes, there are in fact some who totally eschew any soft sentiment like love. But in my experience, such as it is, those people are in the very small minority.

< Message edited by leadership527 -- 8/16/2009 10:27:16 AM >

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to BlackOmaha)
Profile   Post #: 33
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