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The How Tos of Kinkily AND Happily Ever After - 8/14/2009 12:22:35 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline
Certainly this post is just a bare bones guideline and simply my own opinion. I do think, however, that taken for what it is, maybe it can be useful. Granted it is more of a listing for newer folks, but I can hope it is handy anyway.

1. Discovering you are kinky does NOT mean you now have to forfeit common sense. The good sense that has gotten someone through life will do them great service now, probably even more so. No one has waived the requirement of life to be responsible and self controlled. Let that little voice within be heard loud and clear and LISTEN.

2. Who you are hasn't changed. What you enjoy and how you express who you are might. Yes, compatibilty still matters and trying to change or changing for someone else those core things that make you you typically does not end well. Discerning these core trait from those things that are simply painful to address or preferences is difficult. Learn yourself well. It may just help when it comes time to try to decide if someone else is right for you.

3. Happiness is a state of being not a result of a situation. Happiness and joy bubble from within. It draws those who also have this deep reserve within. No one can make you happy if you haven't found your own peace and joy. No one can go merrily with a smile on their face all the time, but learning to draw on inner strength will help in troubled times. No one can make you happy. No one can take your joy away either. Some people are healthier for you than others. Find the ones who enlarge your own sense of strength, peace, and happiness. If you haven't found these things within yourself find them first. As has been said many times, you will attract what you are not what you want. If you want a happy, healthy partner, then be one.

4. Trust is a process even if given freely from the start. Each time that trust is rewarded, it grows stronger. Deep trust today is superficial tomorrow. Stepping out on the ledge and risking is scary every single time and no, there is no guarantee that it will go the way you hope. Trust and risk go hand in hand, however, so take a chance now and then.

5. Mistakes happen. Sadly, when any of us decided we were kinky we didn't cease to be human. Slips and trips, struggles with issues, and ghosts from the past are not reasons to doubt and lose faith in each other. It is quiet reassurance of each others' humanity. Love and trust much, forgive abundantly, and keep grudges short. Repeated and flagrant breeches are different. Learn that difference.

6. Real life still goes on. Let's face it, life and its demands aren't going to stop because any of us decide that endless play would be a much better use of our time. The socks and underwear still need a washing. Obligations still stand. And all those pesky bills will still both be made and have to be paid. Be sure to factor in the real life consequences at every turn because they will matter whether we want them to or not. How much does it cost and what must be provided to keep a slave in a cage indefinitely, for example? And for the slave, are you really ready to say good bye to every family member and friend you have ever known? Every day concerns are legitimate and deserve to be considered as such. Choose someone with similiar needs when it comes to such things as privacy, family and friends awareness, workplace requirements, or at least someone who can respect these things. Oh and let's not forget that there is plenty of fun to be had besides all the kinky goodness that has center stage at the moment. If those recreational activities don't overlap some, you may well be very bored in due time.

7. There may not be an emergency, but there certainly are less than pleasant things that can be planned for in advance. First aid and cpr are valuable tools for anyone to have. Know of any and all conditions or history that may impact your relationship as a whole or specific play one is considering. Know contact information for your partner in case a need arises. Have a plan for various situations. Make sure provisions are in place for those things a submissive has not been permitted to provide for him/herself. Submissives, know where and how to use vital documents should the time come they are needed. Let each other know what your wishes are in situations where you will not be able to speak for yourself. This does not just include life or death, but any time communication will be limited for whatever reason.

8. Basic definitions aren't so basic. Don't believe me? Look at the many threads on here that debate the very definition of many of the terms we use regularly. When talking with someone, whether to form a partnership or just to engage in conversation, know what your own personal definition of the terms involved are and know those of the other person. It may be quite an eye opener to discover what vastly different concepts one may be talking about. This is all part of getting to know someone. This is especially important when considering a relationship with someone. So do you really want/want to offer a collar? I guess that depends on what a collar is to each of you and so much more.

9. So, you're kinky and you know it, but who ELSE do you want to know it? This may take a lot of consideration and thought. It may take even more to carry it out. If privacy is a HUGE issue, be prepared to not only have adequate ways of stowing the unmentionables, but also ready explanations for WHEN you lapse. There is nothing worse than stuttering and stammering for an excuse as someone is standing there blasting fifty questions about the latest strange thing they have found laying around. If you plan to be more open, does that include EVERYBODY? If not, then who and how will you ensure they remain unaware? If um's are involved when and to what extent do you want them to know? How will you ensure this as well? Plan to be out and proud? Are you prepared to accept ALL the consequences, good and bad? How will you mitigate them?

10. HAVE FUN!!!!!!! For goodness sakes, that's what this was supposed to be about on some level wasn't it???? Didn't it look like.... FUN????? Then for crying out loud, quit being all serious, scared, and uptight and go for it!!!!!

Hope this is came off as just the handy dandy thing I had intended. Certainly, there will be variances upon this, and polite perspectives are always welcomed. Once again, HAVE FUN!!!!!!!!!

lovingpet

< Message edited by lovingpet -- 8/14/2009 12:38:12 PM >
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: The How Tos of Kinkily AND Happily Ever After - 8/14/2009 1:23:51 PM   
Surata


Posts: 110
Joined: 7/10/2008
Status: offline
This is a fantastic list. Too bad there are so many people who don't already live by it.

(in reply to lovingpet)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: The How Tos of Kinkily AND Happily Ever After - 8/14/2009 1:31:30 PM   
HarderToBreathe2


Posts: 181
Status: offline
Thank you lovingpet!!!  Excellent list.  Numbers 3, 4, and 5 really hit home for me, and I'm going to copy these somewhere for myself so that I can refer back to it often.

You rock!!! 

(in reply to lovingpet)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: The How Tos of Kinkily AND Happily Ever After - 8/14/2009 1:37:20 PM   
KneelforAnne


Posts: 1011
Joined: 6/14/2006
Status: offline
I love this...   Excellent! 

_____________________________

~Posting now as ForgetMeKnots~

BDSM is what two people at the moment decide it should be...
--CatdeMedici

Member of the Subbie Mafia
Pimpette
Member of MoGa's IN crowd

(in reply to HarderToBreathe2)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: The How Tos of Kinkily AND Happily Ever After - 8/14/2009 2:15:44 PM   
kccuckoldmist


Posts: 97
Joined: 7/1/2009
Status: offline
Simply Awesome!

(in reply to lovingpet)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: The How Tos of Kinkily AND Happily Ever After - 8/14/2009 2:49:12 PM   
Acer49


Posts: 1434
Joined: 8/7/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet

Certainly this post is just a bare bones guideline and simply my own opinion. I do think, however, that taken for what it is, maybe it can be useful. Granted it is more of a listing for newer folks, but I can hope it is handy anyway.

1. Discovering you are kinky does NOT mean you now have to forfeit common sense. The good sense that has gotten someone through life will do them great service now, probably even more so. No one has waived the requirement of life to be responsible and self controlled. Let that little voice within be heard loud and clear and LISTEN.

2. Who you are hasn't changed. What you enjoy and how you express who you are might. Yes, compatibilty still matters and trying to change or changing for someone else those core things that make you you typically does not end well. Discerning these core trait from those things that are simply painful to address or preferences is difficult. Learn yourself well. It may just help when it comes time to try to decide if someone else is right for you.

3. Happiness is a state of being not a result of a situation. Happiness and joy bubble from within. It draws those who also have this deep reserve within. No one can make you happy if you haven't found your own peace and joy. No one can go merrily with a smile on their face all the time, but learning to draw on inner strength will help in troubled times. No one can make you happy. No one can take your joy away either. Some people are healthier for you than others. Find the ones who enlarge your own sense of strength, peace, and happiness. If you haven't found these things within yourself find them first. As has been said many times, you will attract what you are not what you want. If you want a happy, healthy partner, then be one.

4. Trust is a process even if given freely from the start. Each time that trust is rewarded, it grows stronger. Deep trust today is superficial tomorrow. Stepping out on the ledge and risking is scary every single time and no, there is no guarantee that it will go the way you hope. Trust and risk go hand in hand, however, so take a chance now and then.

5. Mistakes happen. Sadly, when any of us decided we were kinky we didn't cease to be human. Slips and trips, struggles with issues, and ghosts from the past are not reasons to doubt and lose faith in each other. It is quiet reassurance of each others' humanity. Love and trust much, forgive abundantly, and keep grudges short. Repeated and flagrant breeches are different. Learn that difference.

6. Real life still goes on. Let's face it, life and its demands aren't going to stop because any of us decide that endless play would be a much better use of our time. The socks and underwear still need a washing. Obligations still stand. And all those pesky bills will still both be made and have to be paid. Be sure to factor in the real life consequences at every turn because they will matter whether we want them to or not. How much does it cost and what must be provided to keep a slave in a cage indefinitely, for example? And for the slave, are you really ready to say good bye to every family member and friend you have ever known? Every day concerns are legitimate and deserve to be considered as such. Choose someone with similiar needs when it comes to such things as privacy, family and friends awareness, workplace requirements, or at least someone who can respect these things. Oh and let's not forget that there is plenty of fun to be had besides all the kinky goodness that has center stage at the moment. If those recreational activities don't overlap some, you may well be very bored in due time.

7. There may not be an emergency, but there certainly are less than pleasant things that can be planned for in advance. First aid and cpr are valuable tools for anyone to have. Know of any and all conditions or history that may impact your relationship as a whole or specific play one is considering. Know contact information for your partner in case a need arises. Have a plan for various situations. Make sure provisions are in place for those things a submissive has not been permitted to provide for him/herself. Submissives, know where and how to use vital documents should the time come they are needed. Let each other know what your wishes are in situations where you will not be able to speak for yourself. This does not just include life or death, but any time communication will be limited for whatever reason.

8. Basic definitions aren't so basic. Don't believe me? Look at the many threads on here that debate the very definition of many of the terms we use regularly. When talking with someone, whether to form a partnership or just to engage in conversation, know what your own personal definition of the terms involved are and know those of the other person. It may be quite an eye opener to discover what vastly different concepts one may be talking about. This is all part of getting to know someone. This is especially important when considering a relationship with someone. So do you really want/want to offer a collar? I guess that depends on what a collar is to each of you and so much more.

9. So, you're kinky and you know it, but who ELSE do you want to know it? This may take a lot of consideration and thought. It may take even more to carry it out. If privacy is a HUGE issue, be prepared to not only have adequate ways of stowing the unmentionables, but also ready explanations for WHEN you lapse. There is nothing worse than stuttering and stammering for an excuse as someone is standing there blasting fifty questions about the latest strange thing they have found laying around. If you plan to be more open, does that include EVERYBODY? If not, then who and how will you ensure they remain unaware? If um's are involved when and to what extent do you want them to know? How will you ensure this as well? Plan to be out and proud? Are you prepared to accept ALL the consequences, good and bad? How will you mitigate them?

10. HAVE FUN!!!!!!! For goodness sakes, that's what this was supposed to be about on some level wasn't it???? Didn't it look like.... FUN????? Then for crying out loud, quit being all serious, scared, and uptight and go for it!!!!!

Hope this is came off as just the handy dandy thing I had intended. Certainly, there will be variances upon this, and polite perspectives are always welcomed. Once again, HAVE FUN!!!!!!!!!

lovingpet



Very well written, I especially like the remark about trust

_____________________________

Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.
Harvey Fierstein

(in reply to lovingpet)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: The How Tos of Kinkily AND Happily Ever After - 8/14/2009 3:04:59 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline
Thank you all for the positive feedback! This list could probably go on and on (feel free to add to it as a matter of fact), but it just addresses so many of the common themes of so many issues we see on these boards every day.

HarderToBreathe2: I know it has been a very rough road for you lately and I am glad if this helps in any way!

lovingpet

(in reply to Acer49)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: The How Tos of Kinkily AND Happily Ever After - 8/14/2009 3:22:26 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
Great list lovingpet. I'll offer an addition from m own entry into BDSM...

11. You belong as much as anyone else does. Trust me on this, given the VAST array of kinks, preferences, and viewpoints that are a part of whatever it is that we do, you're pretty much the same as anyone else. NOBODY does all this stuff. Some of what everyone does sends at least a few other peopl running for the hills Whatever it is that you think makes you somehow an outsider... no. If you found your way here and are finding it interesting, then trust me, you belong.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to lovingpet)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: The How Tos of Kinkily AND Happily Ever After - 8/14/2009 5:20:30 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline
Thank you Leadership! That is an excellent addition to the list!

lovingpet

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: The How Tos of Kinkily AND Happily Ever After - 8/14/2009 7:03:53 PM   
MasterSlaveLA


Posts: 3991
Status: offline
In all honesty, my first reaction to all this was, "well duh?!!"  However, given so many get so loopy when it comes to BDSM, I think it's good for people to see things like this from time to time.  Well written. Bravo!



_____________________________

It's only kinky the first time!!!

(in reply to lovingpet)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: The How Tos of Kinkily AND Happily Ever After - 8/14/2009 7:11:28 PM   
traceoflace


Posts: 17
Joined: 7/26/2009
Status: offline
May I post this on my Journal?  I will of course give proper credit... As many people as possible really need to read this.

(in reply to lovingpet)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: The How Tos of Kinkily AND Happily Ever After - 8/14/2009 7:16:44 PM   
pyroaquatic


Posts: 1535
Joined: 12/4/2006
From: Pyroaquatica
Status: offline
Yay! Now perhaps we can stop all of these endless debates? Most likely never.

_____________________________

You are what your deep, driving desire is.
As your desire is, so is your will.
As your will is, so is your deed.
As your deed is, so is your destiny.
-Brihadaranyaka Upanishad IV.4.5

(in reply to traceoflace)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: The How Tos of Kinkily AND Happily Ever After - 8/14/2009 7:20:11 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline
I would be honored if you did! Thank you!

lovingpet

(in reply to traceoflace)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: The How Tos of Kinkily AND Happily Ever After - 8/14/2009 7:23:26 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline
Actually, I think this is the very reason why there WILL continue to be debates. See #8 LOL! There is nothing wrong with people having differing definitions and perspectives. It is the fact that people with radically different views tend to be judgemental of each other and, even worse, seem to somehow wind up paired up together.

lovingpet

(in reply to pyroaquatic)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: The How Tos of Kinkily AND Happily Ever After - 8/15/2009 8:40:05 AM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline
Thanks! I know it's a real DUH kind of thing, but if one looks around at the posts from time to time, a lot of the questions can be summed up fairly quickly right here. I get tired and cranky sometimes, so I figured I'd save myself some effort when I'm in that mood. You know what's really sad? Look at the number of posts to this thread. I give up!!!!!!

lovingpet

(in reply to MasterSlaveLA)
Profile   Post #: 15
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