|
CaringandReal -> RE: how much contact is enough contact? (8/15/2009 8:05:54 AM)
|
How long has your relationship been going on? Also why, when talking about the "relationship," do you say you use that term very loosely?
There are no one-size-fits-all good traits or warning signs, in my experience. A pattern that makes no sense and seems very destructive to a thousand people might have exactly the seeds of life needed by person 1001. Also, who he is, what he's given you before, what both of your expectations are, and the current realities of your lives all play a role in what this sort of action signifies. It can't be examined in isolation of anything else and produce coherent conclusions.
Here are some examples of what his behavior could mean, but probably doesn't mean:
1: Stress. Someone under significant stress about something else in their life might do this. If this is also a person who keeps his cards close to his chest, you might not even know he's under stress because he hasn't said anything about it to you.
2: Dominance. He might be training you, with less (it's not clear from your post if it's less or not, actually) or at least "different" contact to get used to the reality a poly master, one with whom you cannot (nor should not expect to be) the center of attention for at all times. Whatever the level of attention you were getting before, lessening it or varying it, will bring that point home to you and let you and he see whether changes like this are something you can tolerate and still be happy with or not. If you've agreed and understood he's poly, then his doing something like this would be a positive sign, I would think, not a negative. It would mean he was seeing how well you'd fit into his life over the long term.
3: Poly Lifestyle. He might be courting someone new. New people take time and energy. That time and energy has to come from somewhere. That's one of the realistic implications of a dominant saying "I'm poly." It means that time spent with you will not stay constant necessarily, it will probably fluctuate, and perhaps even decrease for significant periods of time.
You are far more likely to know whether any of these examples, or, quite likely, none of them are realistic, as you are the one who talks to the fellow and knows him. I don't so I have to take wild guesses. Nor do any of your other respondents, to my knowledge, so they are doing the same. But there are several basic questions that are always asked when someone posts this type of message that can be helpful for you to think about or get answers to:
1. Why haven't you asked him about all this? About the change in communication with you and what is causing it?
2. If you have asked this, why don't you mention this and what he said in response in this thread? The second piece of information, especially, has a strong bearing on the success of someone who doesn't know you trying to understand this situation well enough to give you relevant feedback.
3. Have you told him how this change makes you feel and if not, why not? (You don't say this outright in your post but I assume it makes you feel something or you wouldn't have asked this question in a public forum).
|
|
|
|
