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New with a lump in my throat - 8/15/2009 5:52:42 AM   
MzPrizz


Posts: 20
Joined: 8/15/2009
Status: offline 		I just don't know where to start. My husband is very much into BDSM. We started out as swingers and that didn't work because he got jealous, I got jealous, it was a train wreck that nearly destroyed our marriage...TWICE. I love sex and having a good time. I'm not a prude by my consideration.

His desire is for us to both dominate a sub. I am totally not interested in BDSM at all. I enjoy spanking, whips and dressing up, tying up, that sort of thing. I consider that pseudo BDSM since I am not about the deeper meaning of BDSM.

I don't want to dominate someone else. Every. Single. Day. Every. Other. Minute. I hear about this. "well if we have a sub, she could do this" "if we had a sub, she could do that". It ranges from sexual tasks to menial housework tasks. I can't ask him to get me a cup of coffee or clean the garage without him saying, "if we had a sub, she could do this for us". He has told me at certain points that the desire to have a sub is so important to us he would consider leaving the marriage and our family. I am blown away that he would leave us for sex. To fulfill a fantasy. I know it's more than that though. I know it's not just about sex. I don't know that HE knows that. Or maybe he does. He goes back and forth between telling me it could be a non-sexual relationship to clearly a sexual one.

I don't want to deny him something that is clearly so important to him. At the same time, I have been a victim of sexual abuse and have definite issues surrounding sex. I need to see a therapist but dont have insurance right now. So I struggle with giving him what he wants so he doesn't spend the rest of his life resenting me or giving him what he wants and breaking my soul. I'm about ready to resign myself to what he wants, go with it, knowing that it WILL destroy what we have created. He tells me that he thinks it will bring us closer and that's what he wants. He doesn't understand that my mechanism to cope with this would be to shut down. There is no "trying" with this sort of thing. Once you start, you are potentially at risk emotionally.

I'm confused, torn and trying to be fair to both of us at the same time and I'm really failing. When I communicate how I'm feeling honestly with him, he gets defensive and says "I'll drop it". He has said twice now that he would give it up and chose me and not push me anymore. That lasts all of 5 mins before he brings it up again.

I don't know if he is TRYING to badger me into submitting to this or what, but frankly, I'm tired of fighting it. I just want to give him what he wants and get it all over with.

Why does this have to be so complicated?!
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RE: New with a lump in my throat - 8/15/2009 5:56:06 AM   
GoddessImaginos


Posts: 1493
Joined: 8/5/2009
From: A small blue planet near Alpha Centauri
Status: offline 		Honey, I've struggled with sharing and being shared and not knowing what I wanted; female-to-female, if you need a Friend, you have one..

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RE: New with a lump in my throat - 8/15/2009 6:03:35 AM   
MzPrizz


Posts: 20
Joined: 8/15/2009
Status: offline 		I think I sent you an email. 

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RE: New with a lump in my throat - 8/15/2009 6:26:50 AM   
sirsholly


Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline 		a friendly ear here too 

Stop feeling guilty! You have as much input in the relationship as he does.


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RE: New with a lump in my throat - 8/15/2009 6:27:06 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Welcome.

The good news is that the marriage survived the issues from the swinging.

Exactly what does your husband mean by "a sub"?  Is this a woman who will live with you?  Or onetime people who will be at a BDSM party that you both get to bind and flog?

I'm assuming that he's talking about a woman sub who will live in and it will be about sex (trust me, when sometimes it includes sex and sometimes it doesn't, it will in his mind).  If so, this is his idea of fucking another woman (I assume he proposed the swinging) come back, possibly with the additional fantasy of hot lesbian sex thrown in for him.

Play hardball.  The next time he brings this up, propose a male sub that gets to fuck both of you as well as do household chores.  Every time you concede something, ask for something in return.  The sub HAS to be a female?  Well, poof, there goes your hot fantasy of MWM!  What can he give you in return?  Next time he suggests leaving you, propose that you get the house and kids and he gets every other weekend visitation.

Be prepared for the possibility of a side affair.

You have two other possibilities:

1. Give him what he wants.  Any woman who would walk into this situation with a horny husband and a pissed-off wife, has a few screws loose.  It will be another disaster.  (You gotta learn to practice saying "I told you so".)

2. Find a kink friendly marriage counselor.

Upon rereading... the counselor is your best bet.  If that's not viable, it's your pick.


_____________________________

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

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RE: New with a lump in my throat - 8/15/2009 8:40:27 AM   
Musicmystery


Posts: 30259
Joined: 3/14/2005
Status: offline 		I'm with Steven on #2.

This is gasoline soaked rags looking for a match.


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RE: New with a lump in my throat - 8/15/2009 9:45:49 AM   
SylvereApLeanan


Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline 		Great advice so far.  The bottom line is that You Don't Want This.  That's it.  You're not interested and he should respect your feelings.  The fact that he isn't is very telling.  Put your foot down and say NO.  You are under no obligation to give in to his badgering.  You are under no obligation to do anything you think might hurt you or your relationship.  Embrace your inner Domina and tell him, "No, I'm not doing it and I don't want to hear any more about it.  Ever." 
 
If he continues to push, then I'd go with Steven's suggestion -- insist that if there is to be a sub at all, it must be a male sub of your choosing.  And call your local health department to inquire about finding a counselor who will work on a sliding scale.  If there's a university in your area, check with them to see if their graduate program requires students to do counseling with real clients.  My university has such a program and it's very inexpensive. 

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RE: New with a lump in my throat - 8/15/2009 11:01:42 AM   
MzPrizz


Posts: 20
Joined: 8/15/2009
Status: offline 		Thank you. Believe it or not, I have proposed a male and he has agreed. I know he knows I'm not serious though, because I'm not interested. I'm not a very good bluffer.

This would not be a live-in situation. I love my privacy and don't want anyone else in my room, so to speak. I don't want anyone else in my shower, even if they are washing my hair. I don't want anyone picking out my clothes, or helping me get dressed.

When I tell him that there is NO ONE in the world who is willing to come and vacuum cobwebs out of the garage, make our coffee and #$%^ us and go home with NSA, he insists there would be. Mmmkay, but are they stable enough to invite into your home?!? Come on now.

Even if I did what other people have suggested and said "ok!" he'd spend ENDLESS hours in his search. Forget about our kids, and the life we have going on, hours and hours pouring over CM, CL and where ever else looking for "The One". It's just not somewhere I want to be. Not now. Quite likely, not ever.

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RE: New with a lump in my throat - 8/15/2009 11:03:43 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Just a thought.

You have issues that you know you need to fix.

You know you have issues regarding your relationship with your husband that you need to fix (trust).

Your stomach ties in knots over this situation between the two of you.

Why on earth would you even think about bringing another person into this?


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Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

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RE: New with a lump in my throat - 8/15/2009 11:39:37 AM   
spacityheat


Posts: 5
Joined: 6/14/2009
Status: offline 		I like the metaphor used earlier in which this was described as "gasoline soaked rags" looking for a match.  Judging from your "swinging experience", neither of you are equipped to bring another into your relationship.  The jealousy issue would rear it's head again..and you would be faced with the same problem...just with other people.  I suspect that these sexual forays have been your husband's idea from the beginning...why not just encourage (and give your permission) for him to play with another by himself?   Save yourself from the personal hurt of being intimately involved with something you are not equipped to enjoy.  Counseling is another great idea.  Spacityheat

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RE: New with a lump in my throat - 8/16/2009 4:31:30 PM   
Leiren


Posts: 206
Joined: 8/16/2009
Status: offline 		Hello MzPrizz,

When you say your husband is into BDSM, make I ask how he was introduced to it? Does he have first hand experience or is his being into BDSM based solely on what he's read or seen on porn sites?

My first thought is that if you're not into it and you comply just for the sake of saving your marriage, is that you'll wind up resentful and unhappy. Your marriage will still fall apart at some point when the resentment builds to your breaking point.

You've already received some good advice. Be good to yourself. I wish you the best.


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We have forgotten how to walk softly on the earth as its other creatures do.

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RE: New with a lump in my throat - 8/17/2009 2:51:38 AM   
BlkLillyBeauty


Posts: 1
Joined: 8/16/2009
Status: offline 		Show him what the other side of the door looks like if he brings it up again. Life is too short to be unhappy for anyone! 

(in reply to Leiren)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: New with a lump in my throat - 8/17/2009 3:50:53 AM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		It does not sound to me that you want this type of relationship and it sounds as if he is obessed with it. It is an unhealthy situation for the both of you and to bring a third person into this mess it totally unfair.

My advice is to work on getting YOU healthy. Find a counselor who works on a sliding scale and get the help that you need to work be a healthier you. I think you will find that once you are feeling better about yourself, you will see this situation for what it truly is. He wants something that you don't and he is trying to make you submit to it even though it is not what you want. He doesn't care about your mental well being and he is not going to drop it.

For your own well being and happiness get some help and consider, it maybe time to walk away from this mess and start anew.

~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”






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RE: New with a lump in my throat - 8/17/2009 2:22:26 PM   
MzPrizz


Posts: 20
Joined: 8/15/2009
Status: offline 		Thanks again. I kinda went off a bit last evening about it. Not in a negative way. Just a "you need to figure this out" way. I pointed out that on one hand he says it is not important enough to him to leave the marriage, yet it is important enough to him that he pursues it relentlessly. Which is it?

I told him the emotional torment and anguish I have been going through. How I've been looking so deep and bringing up things that I am not ready to deal with in an effort to make him happy. If this is NOT a big deal then why is he allowing me to be in this much pain and distress?

To answer another question, just what he's seen on adult websites. He has not experienced any true BDSM. I have tried to enroll us in some online and RL discussion groups about it and he doesn't invest his time in it.

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RE: New with a lump in my throat - 8/17/2009 2:47:47 PM   
Leiren


Posts: 206
Joined: 8/16/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MzPrizz

I told him the emotional torment and anguish I have been going through. How I've been looking so deep and bringing up things that I am not ready to deal with in an effort to make him happy. If this is NOT a big deal then why is he allowing me to be in this much pain and distress?

To answer another question, just what he's seen on adult websites. He has not experienced any true BDSM. I have tried to enroll us in some online and RL discussion groups about it and he doesn't invest his time in it.



To me, after explaining to him how much pain and distress this is causing you, and him continuing to pursue the issue? Well, just off the top of my head it sounds like he's purely selfish and not being in the least bit concerned with your own feelings.

The fact that his only exposure to BDSM, is what he's seen and read on adult websites? The fact that you've actually made an attempt to enroll the two of you in RL discussion groups and he's not willing to invest the time, is a damned good indication that he has no business insisting on bringing another person into the relationship.

If he's not willing to invest the time into learning more before just making a huge leap, he's nowhere near ready for what he's insisting on.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.


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We have forgotten how to walk softly on the earth as its other creatures do.

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RE: New with a lump in my throat - 8/18/2009 4:02:55 PM   
KCalli


Posts: 81
Joined: 8/4/2009
Status: offline 		Speaking as an almost sane sub type.........There ain't no way on god's green earth I would get near anything like that, or someone with the attitude of your husband, but that is just me. Seriously though, Counseling is something that could work well for you, whether he is interested or not. Life is too short for drama. Walk in peace.

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I would have you consider your judgment and your appetite even as you would two loved guests in your house.
~On reason and Passion, Prophet Khalil Gibran

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RE: New with a lump in my throat - 8/19/2009 2:34:28 PM   
MzPrizz


Posts: 20
Joined: 8/15/2009
Status: offline 		Thanks again to all who emailed me. I'll respond ASAP. I've told him as much, Calli. No one in their right mind would want to get involved in what he is proposing. Anyone who WOULD is not anyone I'd want in MY life either. 

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RE: New with a lump in my throat - 8/22/2009 9:56:24 PM   
BohemianGoddess


Posts: 266
Joined: 7/13/2006
Status: offline 		 I am sorry you are going thru all of this. He is a swinger and wants his cake and to eat it too. Do not go along with it, it is physically unhealthy for you as you already know. Don't do it because you love him, he simply wants to fuck other women. I agree with others who also say that you need counceling, find someone on a sliding scale. This is something I myself could not do. When you love someone and or are married you should not have to bring someone else into your relationship. Though it works for some, it just is not for everyone and you should not be pressured into anything. I'd tell your husband to watch out for the swinging door because it's gonna hit him hard on his behind as you leave his ass!

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