Please help me understand!! (Full Version)

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MzPrizz -> Please help me understand!! (8/15/2009 6:28:01 AM)

My husband has been into this for years and encouraging me to be "domme" together with him over a "sub" yet to be found.

We've dabbled in other alternative lifestyles with disastrous results that nearly destroyed our marriage.

I am also the victim of sexual abuse and have obvious issues surrounding sex. I know I need therapy, have no insurance right now.

Sexually we are very active. At least once a day every day. Not "vanilla" by any means. I am bisexual. We use whips, toys, spanks, hair pulling, light bondage. I love the idea of dressing UP like a domme and taking pictures or whatever. I'm more of a "sex is fun, let's have a good time!" sexual person. I cannot act, I cannot humiliate people no matter how much they want me to. I'm just not that type of person. Perhaps I am more comfortable being submissive but I know I'd bust out laughing before I'd be able to refer to my husband as Master.

Of course my being sub to him is not what he wants. The idea of a strong, dominant woman excites him. It doesn't matter apparently that I am dominant in every other aspect of our lives. I'm a take charge person. I like to dominate a room full of men and women. Make them want me, even if I don't want to have sex with them. It goes back to my own victimization I'm sure. See note above about my need for therapy.

I am however bombarded by his desires every waking minute of my day and during sex. "well, if we had a sub, she could do this" or "If we had a sub, she could that". I can't ask for a cup of coffee, to clean the high cobwebs or even for equal nipple attention without him saying "well, if we had a sub, she could do that for you".

We have a large family, I work a full-time, high stress job, I am frankly tired of fighting with him about this. Life is too short. I am about ready to resign to his desires knowing full well that it will cause an irreparable break in my spirit. He thinks it will bring us closer together. He doesn't understand that my coping mechanism will be to shut down.

I am here to learn and gain insight. He is completely convinced that I "have it in me" to do this and enjoy it. Apparently, I don't know myself as well as he does. If I just "try" it I will love it and will tell him he was right and that I don't know how I lived without this all my life.

I live everyday with a lump in my chest and a pit in my stomach because I actually consider doing what goes against every cell in my body that is SCREAMING not to do it.

I also know I can't live everyday with the constant badgering, knowing that I am a complete disappointment to him and that inevitably it will all end anyway because he will grow to resent me so deeply for depriving him of what he wants.

I know this surely goes beyond what a message board can typically provide but I'm sure there are those who started out skeptical and did learn that they loved it. Right?



DarkSteven -> RE: Please help me understand!! (8/15/2009 6:35:01 AM)

You have a very similar post in the Intros forum.  In this post, you mention casually that you may be the Domme in your marriage.  Is that right?

If so, then tell him that you are sick and tired of his whining about a sub.  The next time he mentions it, give him a solid whipping for it.  You have a ton of anger about this situation (rightly so IMO) and this will give you an outlet for it.  I know that hurting him is not something you want to do, but it's cheaper than therapy, and the guy deserves it!



LillyoftheVally -> RE: Please help me understand!! (8/15/2009 6:35:39 AM)

Oh hun, I am so sorry that you are going through this. It seems to me that you and your husband have very different views. I don't know if you can get over it, embrace it or whatever, I am not even sure if it is something you should try until you have got what issues you feel that you have resolved.

Feeling that you are a disappointment to him is a terrible feeling, please tell me that you have told him that is how it makes you feel? I am trying to be pragmatic here as I only know your side but the desire I have to shake him, really really hard, is pretty intense.

You can't force yourself to do something that 'every cell in your body screams against' that is not a good idea, not healthy and won't be good for you at all.

I started on this path because I wanted to, I have questioned my motivations, I have questioned my ability, and I have questioned my enjoyment, I bounce back and forth more than anything in the world, but I know I want to do it, I know when it is right I am the happiest I can be.

I am so sorry I can't be more help.



RedMagic1 -> RE: Please help me understand!! (8/15/2009 6:36:10 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MzPrizz
I also know I can't live everyday with the constant badgering, knowing that I am a complete disappointment to him and that inevitably it will all end anyway because he will grow to resent me so deeply for depriving him of what he wants.

This is not a healthy reason to do anything.  It wouldn't be a healthy reason to go bowling with him even though you think bowling is lame.  And to add a third for this reason... let's just say the stars don't indicate domestic bliss.

He seems unsatisfied for a reason that has nothing to do with sex.  And so do you.  I hope the two of you figure out a way to talk about what's really going on.



LaTigresse -> RE: Please help me understand!! (8/15/2009 6:36:54 AM)

I think your husband needs as much, if not more, counseling than you do.

Seriously, unless you both get some counseling, I don't see this marriage lasting. He just doesn't get how he is stressing you and I don't read from you that you are able to communicate to him what his badgering is doing to you.

There needs to be A LOT more communication and A LOT less focus on his yummy little fantasy life.



Prinsexx -> RE: Please help me understand!! (8/15/2009 6:37:30 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MzPrizz

My husband has been into this for years and encouraging me to be "domme" together with him over a "sub" yet to be found.

We've dabbled in other alternative lifestyles with disastrous results that nearly destroyed our marriage.

I am also the victim of sexual abuse and have obvious issues surrounding sex. I know I need therapy, have no insurance right now.

Sexually we are very active. At least once a day every day. Not "vanilla" by any means. I am bisexual. We use whips, toys, spanks, hair pulling, light bondage. I love the idea of dressing UP like a domme and taking pictures or whatever. I'm more of a "sex is fun, let's have a good time!" sexual person. I cannot act, I cannot humiliate people no matter how much they want me to. I'm just not that type of person. Perhaps I am more comfortable being submissive but I know I'd bust out laughing before I'd be able to refer to my husband as Master.

Of course my being sub to him is not what he wants. The idea of a strong, dominant woman excites him. It doesn't matter apparently that I am dominant in every other aspect of our lives. I'm a take charge person. I like to dominate a room full of men and women. Make them want me, even if I don't want to have sex with them. It goes back to my own victimization I'm sure. See note above about my need for therapy.

I am however bombarded by his desires every waking minute of my day and during sex. "well, if we had a sub, she could do this" or "If we had a sub, she could that". I can't ask for a cup of coffee, to clean the high cobwebs or even for equal nipple attention without him saying "well, if we had a sub, she could do that for you".

We have a large family, I work a full-time, high stress job, I am frankly tired of fighting with him about this. Life is too short. I am about ready to resign to his desires knowing full well that it will cause an irreparable break in my spirit. He thinks it will bring us closer together. He doesn't understand that my coping mechanism will be to shut down.

I am here to learn and gain insight. He is completely convinced that I "have it in me" to do this and enjoy it. Apparently, I don't know myself as well as he does. If I just "try" it I will love it and will tell him he was right and that I don't know how I lived without this all my life.

I live everyday with a lump in my chest and a pit in my stomach because I actually consider doing what goes against every cell in my body that is SCREAMING not to do it.

I also know I can't live everyday with the constant badgering, knowing that I am a complete disappointment to him and that inevitably it will all end anyway because he will grow to resent me so deeply for depriving him of what he wants.

I know this surely goes beyond what a message board can typically provide but I'm sure there are those who started out skeptical and did learn that they loved it. Right?

If you are the domme punish him for this. At least some corner time.
He's probably asking for it.........



Apocalypso -> RE: Please help me understand!! (8/15/2009 6:42:26 AM)

Decide what you want.  I know that sounds trite, but it's what you need to do.  Difficult though that will be.

If this is for you, it will make you happy.  If not, don't sacrifice your happiness for somebody else's.  And I disagree you should give in and dom him unless that's what you want.



Prinsexx -> RE: Please help me understand!! (8/15/2009 6:44:17 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Apocalypso

Decide what you want.  I know that sounds trite, but it's what you need to do.  Difficult though that will be.

If this is for you, it will make you happy.  If not, don't sacrifice your happiness for somebody else's.  And I disagree you should give in and dom him unless that's what you want.


You are right... she shouldn't HAVE to domme him and certainly shuldn't do what I say or we say....
but sometimes a bit of punishment puts a stop to the constant whining on about a third....



KneelforAnne -> RE: Please help me understand!! (8/15/2009 6:45:37 AM)

~FR~

Perhaps you can get into a support group in your area...? 

Either one in the lifestyle, at your local college, local hospital, or even at your church. 

(The church may be a reach, but maybe not--who knows?)

Random thoughts:
In his mind, do YOU have to be the Domme?  For you, does HE have to be the Dom over you, sexually, for you to feel fullfilled?  There are couples that look outside the two of them to find what they need in this aspect.  As long as your both on the same page, and everyone knows what is happening...then maybe that could work?

I'm not sure it would help at this point, as it seems you all are missing something with one another... but it's an idea for when/if you get this straightened out. 

Good luck! 



LadyPact -> RE: Please help me understand!! (8/15/2009 6:46:53 AM)

One of the shortest words in the English language can sometimes be the most effective.

Say no.



DarkSteven -> RE: Please help me understand!! (8/15/2009 6:49:27 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

One of the shortest words in the English language can sometimes be the most effective.

Say no.



If you wish for it to be a little longer, you may add a "Fuck" in front of it.



RedMagic1 -> RE: Please help me understand!! (8/15/2009 6:53:29 AM)

Everyone's talking about her being the dom.  Am I misunderstanding that he is badgering her about adding a sub woman to the happy family?  If I have it right, that seems like a much bigger deal to me.



LillyoftheVally -> RE: Please help me understand!! (8/15/2009 6:56:03 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

Everyone's talking about her being the dom. Am I misunderstanding that he is badgering her about adding a sub woman to the happy family? If I have it right, that seems like a much bigger deal to me.


*nods*

Thats what I figured. I don't think that this really is a power exchange thing at all, it is a man asking a woman to do something that she is very very uncomfortable with on a regular basis feck all about 'punishing' him



DarkSteven -> RE: Please help me understand!! (8/15/2009 6:59:08 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

Everyone's talking about her being the dom.  Am I misunderstanding that he is badgering her about adding a sub woman to the happy family?  If I have it right, that seems like a much bigger deal to me.


Red, she posted a very similar post with some other info in the Intro forum.  I read that one and developed a victim impression of OP.  And that her husband is an idiot willing to chance his marriage and family to get his rocks off.

When I read in this thread that she likes to be the kittin with a whip, I naturally told her to whip his ass. 

The GOOD, thoughtful advice I gave her was in the other thread.  In this one, I went for the beating.





leadership527 -> RE: Please help me understand!! (8/15/2009 7:11:28 AM)

~FR~

OK, so neither is apparently dominant is what I'm guessing. What I hear is "kinky", but no real dominance or submission. So that gets me to wondering, what exactly is a sub going to do mixed in with this situation. I'm assuming the husband thinks he's gong to take charge. But is he really? In theory, perhaps, both will be dom over the sub? But again, I'm not seeing the dominant behavior here. So along with all the other good things posted here, I'd like to know what this couple thinks they have to offer to a sub? At most, it sounds like a poly-bottom might find some fun in their family.



LadyJulieAnn -> RE: Please help me understand!! (8/15/2009 7:38:35 AM)

If there is sexual abuse in the past, there are greater issues to be dealt with. Your husband should understand this.



DesFIP -> RE: Please help me understand!! (8/15/2009 8:25:28 AM)

Ask him if he really wants the marriage to end that badly, to just man up and say so. And tell him that if you do get a sub it will be another male whom he will be expected to service.



kiwisub12 -> RE: Please help me understand!! (8/15/2009 9:11:55 AM)

Do his desires and wants take precidence over yours?

In your marraige, do you always do what he wants?

Does he consider you to be less than him?

If the answer is no, then you don't have a power exchange type relationship. So why on earth does he want a sub in the house?  If he wants a dom/sub relationship why is he involving you in it?
What would you think about him having a sub outside your relationship, and outside of your house? If he is hell bent on having a sub, perhaps the two of you could negotiate for a open marriage as far as the sub goes - and negotiations would also include sexual contact - or lack there of.

If the issue is stressing you as much as it sounds, then no, you shouldn't aquiese just to shut him up. That isn't going to solve anything, just postpone it for a while, and guess what? It will be back!  and probably involve group sex if i don't miss my mark. Nagging isn't the best way to get your point across, and he needs to learn a better way of communication. 
Of course, you need to learn to say no - and mean it.



Missokyst -> RE: Please help me understand!! (8/15/2009 9:13:33 AM)

YEAH!  It looks like he just wants to do a female with her help.  If you are going to cave to his nagging, might as well make it interesting. 

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Ask him if he really wants the marriage to end that badly, to just man up and say so. And tell him that if you do get a sub it will be another male whom he will be expected to service.



kiwisub12 -> RE: Please help me understand!! (8/15/2009 9:21:26 AM)

Actually, it occurs to me that as hard as it is to find a third, then you could say yes, and insist on being there for all the original meetings.  From what i see on this forum finding a compatible partner is easier said than done.

The two of you could be looking for years - with you expressing your sympathy at every turn, and moaning about how hard it is to find a "real" sub. [:D]

Just a thought.                                        hehe



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