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CaringandReal -> RE: Looking for Sub friends/mentor (8/15/2009 8:42:46 AM)
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Oh boy, you know what you're going to be told first? :) Let's see, I will use my magic mind-reading powers and tell you: People are going to say, "there isn't a right way!" It's not a real helpful thing to hear when you're brand new, but it's true. If this were like learning a skill, like welding or carpentry, there probably would be lots of right ways to do things, particularly ways that don't get your hands cut off! But you aren't at the stage of learning a particular tradeskill yet. When you're new to submission you're at the stage of looking at all the different tradeskills out there (or different styles of submission and different types of bdsm relationships) and deciding which ones among these most appeals to you.
To use a sillier example, learning about bdsm is kind of like being at an exotic buffet. First you fill your plate with various things to try (some look appetizing, some look gross, but who knows what they will really taste like). Then you find a place to sit, hopefully next to somebody cool. THEN you worry about which fork to use first. Call that beginning skills, lol. If you sat next to someone cool, you can always ask them--if they're genuinely cool they won't look down their long noses at you for asking. And last, you try to get the recipe for your favorite dish (that's an advanced course ;) ).
You can learn a lot about the different ways people feel about submission and express it by reading a message board like this. It's your buffet. You'll see all sorts of styles expressed. Some will intrigue you, some will resonate with you and remind you of what you feel inside, and some will probably bore you stiff! This can be an extreme form of sex, so some ways of living might also scare you (not necessarily bad) or outrage you or go against your principles or sense of self-worth. So learn more about those that intrigue or resonate with you first. Y
ou may someday find that an individual submissive says things that resonate more to you than any other person does. That's the point at which you might want to contact him or her in private and ask some questions. Or if you want a lot of different opinions, you could ask a specific question in public. (The question you've asked today is a general question.) If you look for a mentor now and somebody offers, it's a crapshoot. They might be helpful or they might have a style or attitude toward being a submissive that clashes strongly with your own feelings. In fact, lots of people will offer to mentor you or offer you other things, especially in the personal ads. If that is you in your avatar then you are quite attractive and people will be drawn to that. You will get a lot of offers! But as you know from getting email spam, the people who offer are not always the people with anything of value to offer. So be careful and critical.
One more thing about critical: You'll see a lot overly cynical, overly critical people posting in this forum. Nine times out of ten, they're at a different stage of life than you. They're not single, they've got theirs, and they can afford to be overly cynical and distrusting of everything and everyone, because there is nothing at stake for them in doing so. Take that attitude with a grain of salt: in a single person it can mean social death. You reject all offers because you're so caught up in being cool and cynical like your married buddies on the messageboard and so you don't meet anyone. Not good for your health and sanity to do this!
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