Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

To wait or not to wait...


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> To wait or not to wait... Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
To wait or not to wait... - 8/17/2009 11:10:00 AM   
sanguine1


Posts: 1
Joined: 11/25/2008
Status: offline 		Hi, this is my first post so take it easy on me. :) I've been in a relationship for several months (actually, just under a year), my first D/s. At the beginning, we both stated that we would eventually like to move into a 24/7, TPE, M/s relationship. After this long, I'm getting a little impatient. We are still basically casually dating, and very few signs he is willing to move forward at this point. I've been feeling for a long while like I am being led on, however unintentionally. Understand, this man is not a liar and is always kind and well mannered and I constantly admire his integrity and strength of character. He is firm and fair with me and in most instances takes the lead with no problem. But, after this long with no change in the frequency we see each other, no forward movement to reach the TPE goal, I admit I kind of feel a little deceived.

I know a lot of people are going to tell me, "YOU need to figure it out, only you know, talk to him, what would you do if this were a vanilla relationship..." etc. I guess what I'm really looking for is a couple of like-minded women and men from both sides of the kneel to tell me what they would do in my situation? In his? Where does service and commitment turn into neglecting yourself? When is inaction and stagnancy an inability to really commit? In the end, I will speak to him and make the best decision for myself, but sometimes it lends some clarity when you can listen to how other people view you situation. Thanks ahead of time for all your help!!
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: To wait or not to wait... - 8/17/2009 11:30:27 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sanguine1
Hi, this is my first post so take it easy on me. :) I've been in a relationship for several months (actually, just under a year), my first D/s. At the beginning, we both stated that we would eventually like to move into a 24/7, TPE, M/s relationship. After this long, I'm getting a little impatient. We are still basically casually dating, and very few signs he is willing to move forward at this point. I've been feeling for a long while like I am being led on, however unintentionally. Understand, this man is not a liar and is always kind and well mannered and I constantly admire his integrity and strength of character. He is firm and fair with me and in most instances takes the lead with no problem. But, after this long with no change in the frequency we see each other, no forward movement to reach the TPE goal, I admit I kind of feel a little deceived.

Fair enough. There is, apparently, a mismatch in expectations. That mismatch might be on timelines... not everyone's time scale works at the same speed. Or it might be a mismatch in desires. I'm gathering this is long distance but you have, in fact, physically touched each other?

quote:

I know a lot of people are going to tell me, "YOU need to figure it out, only you know, talk to him, what would you do if this were a vanilla relationship..."

OK, I'll try to avoid the standard answers.. .hard as that's going to be because they are generally correct.

quote:

Where does service and commitment turn into neglecting yourself?

Immediately. In my opinion, if service feels like self-neglect then the relationship is clearly not working the way it ought to. Even the rotten, nasty commands I give to Carol don't register on her that way. There is, of course, the "Oh hell" response on her part. But there's also the "I'm a part of a team and doing my job is good for the team" thought. Never is there the "I'm neglecting myself" thought. So other than what you already know, which is that you need to hash this out with him eventually, my input here is that your dynamic is already broken... and in a deeply fundamental way. Were it me, I'd have some focus on trying to get it fixed.... promptly.


_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to sanguine1)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: To wait or not to wait... - 8/17/2009 11:57:29 AM   
softness


Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline 		What I would do is clairfy in my own mind exactly what it was I wanted, calmly and objectively, and then hold that up to my relationship. Do they match? What is a priority? What can wait? What can't?
Once I had that conversation with myself I would go to my partner and have it with them, calmly and fairly.

Communicate with each other.

Service and commitment only turn into self neglect when *you* allow them to do so. Being submissive does NOT mean you have no responsibility for your own health, happiness and well being. Be a doormatt and you will get walked on. If that is your thing, more power to you (its mine from time to time) but if you write welcome on your ass dont complain when people wipe their boots on you.

Be strong and fight for what you want, the "perfect" relationship is hard enough in regular vanilla life, why should it be any easier in Ds?





_____________________________

proudly wearing the blue collar of consideration to DK Leather, Leatherdykeuk, and LeatherEagle of the UK KRueL Leather Family

veritas, respectus honorque in corio





(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: To wait or not to wait... - 8/17/2009 12:20:14 PM   
shadowowl


Posts: 198
Joined: 5/31/2004
Status: offline 		Personaly and I mean this personally as in this is only my opinion hehe.   I prefer to have TPE fairly quickly the longer it doesn't exist the more I start looking for the door :P     I actually prefer to have it right out of the gates asap cause the longer I have to wait the less willing  I am to do it cause I just figure it's not what they really want.    But  my first D/s relationship wasnt' TPE and it probably would have workeda  lot better if it was so now it is something I really want and I make sure they know.
It's basicly one of my requirements I only do 24/7 and if they don't want to deligate somethign they can let me do it within their set perameters. 
So if you want my advice I'd ask him for it and let him know it's a need not just a desire,  this may have negitive consequences if it turns out he doesn't want to though, so expect the best be prepared for the worst and I wish yout he best of luck. :)

(in reply to sanguine1)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: To wait or not to wait... - 8/17/2009 1:29:12 PM   
sunshinedreams


Posts: 181
Joined: 1/22/2008
Status: offline 		This happened in my relationship, though I was fine with it. About 1 1/2 years into it though, He called it all off because of the expectations he THOUGHT I had. Very tricky things, relationships. Any ways, once we sat down and talked, it turned out he was concerned because he didn't love me in the same way as I loved him. When i told him that I never asked for, nor expected that, it got all worked out. That time was terribly painful for both of us, but changed our relationship forever. After that, the relationship did progress further, because there were no hidden feelings or unknown expectations placed upon either of us. Talk to him. Find out why he is hesitant. Be patient and understanding. You may find out it is as simple as what he thinks you want. You can never tell.

(in reply to shadowowl)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: To wait or not to wait... - 8/17/2009 1:30:57 PM   
beargonewild


Posts: 22716
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sanguine1

Hi, this is my first post so take it easy on me. :) I've been in a relationship for several months (actually, just under a year), my first D/s. At the beginning, we both stated that we would eventually like to move into a 24/7, TPE, M/s relationship. After this long, I'm getting a little impatient. We are still basically casually dating, and very few signs he is willing to move forward at this point. I've been feeling for a long while like I am being led on, however unintentionally. Understand, this man is not a liar and is always kind and well mannered and I constantly admire his integrity and strength of character. He is firm and fair with me and in most instances takes the lead with no problem. But, after this long with no change in the frequency we see each other, no forward movement to reach the TPE goal, I admit I kind of feel a little deceived.

I know a lot of people are going to tell me, "YOU need to figure it out, only you know, talk to him, what would you do if this were a vanilla relationship..." etc. I guess what I'm really looking for is a couple of like-minded women and men from both sides of the kneel to tell me what they would do in my situation? In his? Where does service and commitment turn into neglecting yourself? When is inaction and stagnancy an inability to really commit? In the end, I will speak to him and make the best decision for myself, but sometimes it lends some clarity when you can listen to how other people view you situation. Thanks ahead of time for all your help!!


Maybe it is time for you sit down face to face with your partner and bring up the subject once again. I'd simply express my fears that the relationship is stagnating and let him know that your wants and needs are to have a greater depth of D/s to it. A good idea is also to ask him his thoughts and how he feels regarding being more dominant in the relationship? If you both sit and talk out the wants and needs from both sides then you can work from there instead of not saying anything and feeling like you're being taken for granted.


_____________________________

Do Not Rile da Chosen Bear

Promiscuous boy you already know
That I’m all yours what you waiting for?

Resident MANWHORE ~1000 Bear pts~

10 NZ points
Whips~n~Cuffs

(in reply to sanguine1)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: To wait or not to wait... - 8/17/2009 2:31:58 PM   
sweetsub1957


Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: beargonewild

Maybe it is time for you sit down face to face with your partner and bring up the subject once again. I'd simply express my fears that the relationship is stagnating and let him know that your wants and needs are to have a greater depth of D/s to it. A good idea is also to ask him his thoughts and how he feels regarding being more dominant in the relationship? If you both sit and talk out the wants and needs from both sides then you can work from there instead of not saying anything and feeling like you're being taken for granted.



My thoughts exactly. 

_____________________________

Member: Lance's Fag Hags.

"That's not just a chip on her shoulder, that's the whole potato!" ~Lady Angelika~

In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

(in reply to beargonewild)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: To wait or not to wait... - 8/17/2009 2:36:30 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sanguine1

I've been feeling for a long while like I am being led on, however unintentionally. Understand, this man is not a liar and is always kind and well mannered and I constantly admire his integrity and strength of character. He is firm and fair with me and in most instances takes the lead with no problem.
I see his behavior in this regard as an abundance of caution. He may well be taking this very very seriously and wants you to do the same and really get the full extent of where you are now before moving on.

But, after this long with no change in the frequency we see each other, no forward movement to reach the TPE goal, I admit I kind of feel a little deceived.

A few months isn't very long. If what you are looking to establish is a long term relationship, there's plenty of time for forward motion and dynamic development. I would be more concerned with the quality of that time and the security of the place you currently have with each other. I really think he wants you to slow it down and really savor it. Of course, what do I know? I don't know either of you or anything beyond what you have written here on this board.

what they would do in my situation?
Talk to him on a very serious level until I can determine if I am in a relationship that is right for me. I would listen when he speaks and see if I can understand his reasons for doing things this way. If I could live with it and respect it, then great. If not, then I have an obligation to tell him how I am feeling and allow him the opportunity to make similar decisions for himself.
In his?
I don't know. I have no idea, from your post what is going on inside his head. I think I would want to explain my reasons for taking it slower than you are liking, but I may be keeping silent to see if maybe, just maybe you can manage to trust me in this.
Where does service and commitment turn into neglecting yourself?
When it is completely one sided and trust in his control and judgement have been lost. At that point, shouldn't you just go ahead and take care of yourself?
When is inaction and stagnancy an inability to really commit?
When the reasons are without foundation and not out of consideration of the well being of each of you and the relationship as a whole.


I struggle with the patience and taking things slow all the time, so I feel for you. I also know that when someone is a good person and acting in my best interest, I can bet they are trying to do the best thing by slowing me down, rather than deciding it is being done to hurt me. You sound like you admire and trust this man. Do you? Or have you lost faith in him? If so, why?

lovingpet

(in reply to sanguine1)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: To wait or not to wait... - 8/17/2009 3:08:59 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Have you told him how you feel and how you would like things to move along??

Master and I have been seeing each other for quite awhile now and I admit there are times when it's extremely slow for me but I'm also aware of why that is and we both know that the timing is just off for anything more than what we have right now. We both just have to be patient.

Talk to him. If his answers still don't sit well with you well then..you know what to do I'm sure.

(in reply to lovingpet)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: To wait or not to wait... - 8/17/2009 3:44:41 PM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

Understand, this man is not a liar and is always kind and well mannered and I constantly admire his integrity and strength of character.


You haven't known him for long, so you don't know that - and lying can take many forms. That does not really matter, though - he knows you are looking for 24/7 TPE, he committed to working towards that, it ain't happening, and he is the lead in the play.

In the vast majority of cases that float across the forums, one partner says what the other wants to hear. If you don't want to call that lying you can say "wishful thinking". The words don't matter, it's you that matters, and you aren't getting what you were aiming for. You won't get it from him, because if he wanted what you wanted, you'd be well on the way by now.

Sure, you can talk until you see blue in the face, but the reality is so simple: people do what they want to do. What he does is date casually. Whether he thought about it, was going to try, boils eggs too soft, like the new Ford Focus, none of that matters. It won't happen, and if you want the 24/7 TPE, you need to find someone who wants to really own you. Don't waste your life with people who don't deliver on their promises - because that is what they do, and they do it all of their lives.



(in reply to sanguine1)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: To wait or not to wait... - 8/19/2009 4:28:48 PM   
epepincanada


Posts: 16
Joined: 10/3/2008
Status: offline 		ive recently left a bad relationship where i was led on for a year and a half, all i can say is be clear to your partner about what you require and move on from there.  Nothing else you can do but tell them what you need from the relationship that your not getting.  sorry if it sounds simple but there really is not anything else a bunch of people on the internet can do for this situation.

if at that point he doesent clearly start to move in the direction you want then you have your answer.

(in reply to antipode)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: To wait or not to wait... - 8/19/2009 5:28:53 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		You apparently haven't raised the issue with him before now - are you afraid of what he might say?

The worst thing that could happen is that he tells you that he has no interest in a 24/7 relationship.
The best - you get what you want, and what was discussed at the beginning of your relationship.

If he tells you he has no interest in a 24/7, then you have a decision to make - to stay or go.
But you can't leave things as they are, so you need to talk to him. You need to be clear about what you want - do you want him to move in with you immediately, next month or next year, are you going to share expenses, how will your household work? Will you do all the housework or will you split the chores?

I see nothing wrong with being clear about how housework and money concerns are going to be managed. Being open about these things is much like being open about sex - leads to harmony because no-one is expecting something that maynot be what the other is wanting or expecting.

good luck

(in reply to epepincanada)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: To wait or not to wait... - 8/19/2009 5:48:25 PM   
InvisibleBlack


Posts: 865
Joined: 7/24/2009
Status: offline 		I would say that if you've been dating for about a year and you haven't progressed past the "casual date" stage of things, you have a legitimate concern. On the next casual date, I would suggest just bringing up the matter. Not in an accusatory way, but simply by expressing that you want to see more of him, spend more time with him, and to move closer to the TPE 24/7 relationship you both dream of.

His responses should tell you what you need to know.

Communication is everything. I make it very clear when a sub and I are in the early stages that I expect to made aware of concerns about our relationships or any area where shes feeling uncertain. Life is tough enough without having to guess at what your partner is thinking or feeling.

(in reply to sanguine1)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: To wait or not to wait... - 8/19/2009 5:52:22 PM   
Lostkitten3


Posts: 179
Joined: 10/17/2008
Status: offline 		My initial reaction is actually from the surrendered wife. You must tell him what you need, but it is up to him to decide how to provide it for you.

And in my experience, good things come to those who wait, which was always very difficult for me, but totally worth it now.

< Message edited by Lostkitten3 -- 8/19/2009 5:58:39 PM >

(in reply to InvisibleBlack)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: To wait or not to wait... - 8/19/2009 5:55:05 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		He's comfortable.  He likes where the two of you are at.  He's put the TPE on the back burner.

You need to talk it out.  Tactfully.  Ask him what kind of timetable he has for moving towards TPE.

Make some suggestions, like TPE weekends, when you are slave to him for a weekend.  See how those go over.

Good luck.



_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to InvisibleBlack)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: To wait or not to wait... - 8/21/2009 1:31:54 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		What happens if he says where you are now is all you will get? Nothing but casual dating. Will you stay or will you go? Are you satisfied or aren't you?

What if he again says he wants more but in several more months hasn't done anything? Will you still believe him?

When words and actions disagree, trust actions.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: To wait or not to wait... - 8/21/2009 6:00:00 PM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: antipode

Don't waste your life with people who don't deliver on their promises - because that is what they do, and they do it all of their lives.



Thank you for saving me keystrokes and putting it much better than I could have.


quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

When words and actions disagree, trust actions.



Same here, in fact if I could I'd like to have this as a quote.


_____________________________

CM's Resident Lyricist
also Facebook
http://stella.baker.tripod.com/
50NZpoints
Q2
Simply Q

(in reply to antipode)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: To wait or not to wait... - 8/21/2009 9:09:24 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Go for it Stella. I'd love to take credit for it but can't. Actually it's more commonly seen as believe actions instead of trust. And although I did look, I can't find a source for it.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to stella41b)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: To wait or not to wait... - 8/22/2009 2:23:18 AM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Go for it Stella. I'd love to take credit for it but can't. Actually it's more commonly seen as believe actions instead of trust. And although I did look, I can't find a source for it.


Yes, it's a good one.

Other sayings, along the same lines:

Actions speak louder than words.

Talk is cheap.

"Stupid is, as stupid does." (Forrest Gump)

Show me, don't tell me.

Heck, there's even a whole "Show Me" state. (For those of you from other countries: its Missouri.)


There's more, but that's all I can think of for now.


OP: Insist on the kind of relationship that you need. If your needs have consistently not been met, over time: vote with your feet. Talk, then walk.


_____________________________

Download SLAVE LOVER. Explicit BDSM porn, with a plot! A love story, on a FemDom planet! http://www.amazon.com/Slave-Lover-Chronicles-Book-ebook/dp/B0031ERBLI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1261973416&sr=1

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: To wait or not to wait... - 8/22/2009 7:10:24 PM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sanguine1

I know a lot of people are going to tell me, "YOU need to figure it out, only you know, talk to him, what would you do if this were a vanilla relationship..." etc. I guess what I'm really looking for is a couple of like-minded women and men from both sides of the kneel to tell me what they would do in my situation? In his? Where does service and commitment turn into neglecting yourself? When is inaction and stagnancy an inability to really commit? In the end, I will speak to him and make the best decision for myself, but sometimes it lends some clarity when you can listen to how other people view you situation. Thanks ahead of time for all your help!!


you can't have it both ways and it seems that you're wanting him to do things according to your time table. if it is tpe you seek then you must be willing to let go of your need/desire to control and determine when things occur. there is a huge learning curve and a necessity for patience and pointedly learning how to wrestle with your feelings, insecurities, and seriously learning when to shut up. what you view as questions could be interpreted differently by him.

nothing is ever total, but if you're hoping to get close you'll have to learn that you aren't at the ships helm and you're far from the skipper. if he has proven himself to be of good character and seems attentive to your needs and concerns, why would this be any different? nothing happens overnight and the descent from freedom to captivity will not occur in that vain.

one of the hallmarks of truly being tpe isn't doing what he says when he says it. but learning to abide, trust, and stand still when every fiber of your being longs to act differently. it is possible that he is trying to build a framework that you're unable to see because your own desires are in the way. perhaps you should take a step back and sincerely consider if it isn't possible that you have more than you realized at first glance.

raising questions and sharing concerns is never wrong to do. but if you truly wanted to have it your way you'd be on the other side of the paddle instead. best of luck

porcelaine


_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to sanguine1)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> To wait or not to wait... Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.094