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Alixandria -> RE: I knew a guy whose cousin had a friend who said they knew someone who......... (8/17/2009 9:25:02 PM)
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~FR~
Back in the day I met a *lot* of folk in the kink community, both one on one and in groups.
Stuff I never worried about:
Really really bad guys like the 52-gallon oildrum guy, or Jeffrey Dahmer or Ted Bundy
Stuff I worried about:
- That the fellow would be a one-note bore (happened)
- That the fellow would be a vague sociopathic one-note bore (first time)
- That the fellow would get infatuated and start to contact me inappropriately (like calling me at work) -- I don't know if this would have happened because of the precautions I will outline below
Stuff I didn't do as a precaution:
- Sign up to one of these safecall networks that ask you to provide them with enough information to allow identity theft (there was a local network that thought we should give our info like this even though I knew for a fact that one of the people at that network was a stalker)
- Set up any safecall actually
- Talk to the person for months on end and collect pictures and real world information on them (which I would have had to reciprocate with)
- Collect personal references (worth about as much as work references)
Stuff I did do as a precaution:
- Meet in a neutral place. No pictures (my description would be like "older heavier lady, shoulder-length silver hair, floor length navy skirt and light purple top"). They all found me ok.
- If possible no phone number because I only have one and don't want to be bugged. I hate talking on the phone.
- Get to said neutral place on my own steam and go home by myself. (This policy serves me well with shopping for electronics as well. [:D] ) It's to give me a cool-off period to analyze what just happened,
- Never get into their car (this was a rule in my vanilla days too)
- and,
- biggest precaution,
- Counter intuitively, I would meet as soon as possible. Before even figuring out about relationship compatibility. I did not want this to be a fantasy fest on either of our parts. This meet was just to match real world personas to online personas.
- Most often, they did not have my real name or any good contact info.
For the most part this worked out just great. Bad things that happened: I was bored to death by the one borderline sociopath. He left early and I could just feel the energy he had vampired out flow back into my body. I had a few fellows who even though I described myself as a "older heavier lady" really did think they were going to meet a Domme like they saw on the pron sites. I had one fellow who turned out to really really disapprove of BDSM on principle. I was able to explain some of the motivations using stuff from his own life as analogies. We parted friends.
But, you know, I know what those threads are like. I remember one particularly prolific poster who went on and on and on at great length about the precautions one should take before even meeting up for coffee. The thing that stuck with me is her insistence on getting work phone numbers and social insurance numbers. I remember other posters, mostly female subs, chiming in with weirder and weirder precautions. They all reassured themselves that "If the Dom really loves you and treasures you that he will jump through all those hoops".
Newsflash. The really good Doms. They don't have to jump through those hoops. It's not totally impossible to hit paydirt and find someone so patient that they will chat online for a year before the first phone call or coffee date. It happens I know. On the other hand, every week there are lottery winners in Canada/United States. But chances are that by the time the year of online chat is up, they've found someone at the local munch group or even someone brave enough to go out for coffee who doesn't require enough info to commit identify theft.
Alix
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