What do you do when a need isn't being me?

What do you do when a need isn't being me? (Full Version)

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winterstar -> What do you do when a need isn't being me? (8/19/2009 11:32:56 PM)
I'm in a LD relationship with a Master, I am his kajira but lately I've feel this deep need for a "Daddy" I'm having a hard time trying to supress the "child" part of me and it's affecting my serving my Master. Master and I have talked about this need and he has agreed to help me but has also said he's not a Daddy Dom which I fully understand. I've been pondering asking for permission to seek a platonic Daddy/little girl relationship with someone else to get this need filled in the hopes it would help me focus and I could be a better slave in the long run. What do you do when you feel a Master can't fullfill a need? Is it acceptable to ask to get that need fullfilled somewhere else? Should I just suppress that need and focus harder on being a slave?

stella41b -> RE: What do you do when a need isn't being me? (8/20/2009 3:23:42 AM)
That would depend on your relationship, dynamic, individual personalities and the emotional investment involved. I'm sorry if I sound judgmental here or whether or if it applies but I would make sure that a dominant knew all about my needs, life, desires and so on and I would ensure that there is some degree of compatibility before agreeing to enter some sort of dynamic. To my mind to do otherwise isn't fair on your dominant and ultimately it isn't fair on you either. However that saying none of us can predict the future and if it is a longstanding relationship and we do learn and evolve but this emphasizes why there is a need for compatibility so that we can arrive at some degree of mutual understanding and compromise and the relationship adjusts to fit the people involved (it's pointless expecting it to go the other way, it never works out that way). I can compromise on any number of things, the dynamic, activities, kinks, etc but the one thing that I will never ever compromise on is being myself. I'm sorry I cannot be more positive or encouraging, but to me I'd rather wait for one compatible relationship than accept two half-compatible ones. However in your case I hope you can both find a way of working this out. Making mistakes is human, and learning from mistakes is the best evidence that you're living.

littlewonder -> RE: What do you do when a need isn't being me? (8/20/2009 3:33:36 AM)
We talk. If after talking it still can't be resolved then I have a hard decision to make...either repress that need and learn to live without it or move on realizing I can't live without that need.

sunshinemiss -> RE: What do you do when a need isn't being me? (8/20/2009 3:40:31 AM)
Hello winterstar, I have found that the most important thing is to know the difference between a want and a need. There are many things I want, things I even take for granted. There are very few that are needed. Making sure that I use the two words carefully in my own life means that I'm able to be clear about what I can live without. I really love music. I don't NEED the radio. I want that. It brings me joy and quite a lot of fulfillment, makes me happier, and I serve better. But I don't NEED it. However, I do NEED music - even if it is the music from my own being. Second, be careful what you ask for... You might get it. Good luck, sunshine

DarkSteven -> RE: What do you do when a need isn't being me? (8/20/2009 4:35:20 AM)
Well, your profile indicates that you spoke to him and got his consent to look for an online Daddy.

chamberqueen -> RE: What do you do when a need isn't being me? (8/20/2009 6:45:17 AM)
If you have given over your mind, heart, and body to your Master I think that you are playing a dangerous game by expecting that another man will meet your needs and that you can still keep your heart only for your Master. I don't know you, and you may be able to handle it just fine, but imagine a situation where both of them wanted to chat with you at the same time - or perhaps you would be doing some sort of task for the Daddy when your Master tried to contact you and wants you to do something for him. Will you be able to drop what you are doing for YOU to do something for your Master? It might be that you would have no problem at all with it, but I can see where some could be very torn.

DarkSteven -> RE: What do you do when a need isn't being me? (8/20/2009 7:10:05 AM)
CQ, she's got a LD Dom and is looking for an online Daddy. I suspect that she should be able to compartmentalize just fine.

Musicmystery -> RE: What do you do when a need isn't being me? (8/20/2009 8:02:58 AM)
Somebody's not quite getting the slave concept.

xchellekittyx -> RE: What do you do when a need isn't being me? (8/20/2009 8:41:22 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: stella41b I'd rather wait for one compatible relationship than accept two half-compatible ones. thanks for the less than flattering opinion of poly... to the OP...it sounds like you are looking for a polyamorous relationship and as long as all involved are aware and ok and not expecting anything different it's all good

Eivarden -> RE: What do you do when a need isn't being me? (8/20/2009 9:03:47 AM)
I understand where this is coming from, but I can't really give advice on anything here. I'm sort of worried about being in a similar situation. (But I personally would never look for a 2nd person.)

AnimusRex -> RE: What do you do when a need isn't being me? (8/20/2009 9:09:40 AM)
I got married, then discovered my needs weren't being met; do I ask my wife for permission to indulge my desires, or should I should I suppress my desires and focus on being a husband? No easy answer to this. Sometimes a "need" is actually a transitory desire, a fleeting fantasy that doesn't need to be acted upon; other times it is an integral part of your soul, that surpasses the relationship you are in. Sooner or later a sacrifice has to be made on someone's part.

BitaTruble -> RE: What do you do when a need isn't being me? (8/20/2009 11:08:47 AM)
quote: What do you do when you feel a Master can't fullfill a need? If it's something you need to survive, you simply have to find it somehow, even if it means being on your own. If it's something you need to thrive, you have to decide how important it is and can you thrive in some other way. Talk, talk first, though. quote: Is it acceptable to ask to get that need fullfilled somewhere else? Of course it's acceptable. Asking is not getting, it's simply asking. quote: Should I just suppress that need and focus harder on being a slave? It depends. Do you have to fake who you really are to focus on something you really aren't? Are the two concepts compatible and both part of you? I would never recommend suppressing your true self. It never lasts and all it does is make for very unhappy people. You can only fake it for so long. One of the greatest things you can do for yourself and for your partners is to be honest and recognize something has either not worked or not worked in a way which is good for you. Staying in a relationship because you 'think' you should instead of because it's what's right for you doesn't do anyone any favors, including yourself.

LaTigresse -> RE: What do you do when a need isn't being met? (8/20/2009 11:22:03 AM)
I can only answer for myself. I first look at it objectively rather than emotionally and decide whether or not it is a need. Then I look at what I already have. Usually wayyyyyyyyyy more than I initially thought, because we get so...comfortable and used to where we are, we take much for granted. Then if I still feel I need or want, whatever it is. I look at what impact having it will have on what I already have. Am I going to hurt anyone in the process? If it has a good chance of changing what I already have in a negative way. I go back to step one. Is it really a need or just a want? Then I look at what I need more, what I already have or what I THINK I might need or want. Then I decide if the possible outcome is worth the possible sacrifice. The end result answer is usually what I already knew in the first place. Gut instinct and all. I almost ALWAYS go with my gut instincts.

eyesopened -> RE: What do you do when a need isn't being me? (8/20/2009 12:20:28 PM)
We hear constantly about dominant men needing more than one submissive/slave because they are just so dang complex that no one single female could possibly fulfill their every need (read: whim) and everybody says Amen. Evidently submissive women are such simplistic creatures that they only have one need and that is to serve. Hell, I thought everybody knew that! It sounds like you've been honest, up-front and did not disrespect your Master by not giving him first right of refusal to meet your need (or whim, goddamnit, what's wrong with a little experimentation?) for a "daddy". Kudos to you for keeping things honest and above-board!

stella41b -> RE: What do you do when a need isn't being me? (8/20/2009 12:48:54 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: xchellekittyx quote: ORIGINAL: stella41b I'd rather wait for one compatible relationship than accept two half-compatible ones. thanks for the less than flattering opinion of poly... So where do you read the word 'poly' in the OP? I was writing from my own perspective and I'm monogamous but if you want to interpret that as an attack on poly then please be my guest.

DesFIP -> RE: What do you do when a need isn't being me? (8/20/2009 1:40:27 PM)
The only thing I would like to add is to watch out for resentment. If you can accept, even unhappily that he isn't going to do this, then no problem. But if you get angry and resentful about his refusal to meet your needs, then you're probably past the point of finding a workable solution.

xchellekittyx -> RE: What do you do when a need isn't being me? (8/20/2009 2:13:58 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: stella41b quote: ORIGINAL: xchellekittyx quote: ORIGINAL: stella41b I'd rather wait for one compatible relationship than accept two half-compatible ones. thanks for the less than flattering opinion of poly... So where do you read the word 'poly' in the OP? I was writing from my own perspective and I'm monogamous but if you want to interpret that as an attack on poly then please be my guest. the word "poly" wasn't in the OP, perhaps the poster is unaware of the term...she said she wanted to possibly add onto her current relationship making it 3 in the relationship, well...i don't know about anyone else but that sounds like poly to me, as long as everyone is honest, as i noted in my post... it is a common opinion of poly people that one person cannot meet all the needs of another person, not that the people are "half-compatible"...in fact if they were the relationships would not work...and i can understand that a monogamous person may not understand that, but the terminology you used was "less than flattering"....not an attack...where did i say attack?

Mercnbeth -> RE: What do you do when a need isn't being me? (8/20/2009 2:40:29 PM)
quote: What do you do when you feel a Master can't fullfill a need? this slave has no experience with your dilemma, but would imagine that if she was in your shoes, she would talk to Master about it. quote: Is it acceptable to ask to get that need fullfilled somewhere else? no clue...as this slave is not in your relationship...and each relationship has unique qualifiers as to what is acceptable and what is not. quote: Should I just suppress that need and focus harder on being a slave? sounds like a Master's decision, to this slave.

winterstar -> RE: What do you do when a need isn't being me? (8/20/2009 2:48:34 PM)
Thank you everyone for the responses. I talked to him after I posted this, and we're still working out the details and discussing things.

leadership527 -> RE: What do you do when a need isn't being me? (8/20/2009 3:35:16 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP The only thing I would like to add is to watch out for resentment. If you can accept, even unhappily that he isn't going to do this, then no problem. But if you get angry and resentful about his refusal to meet your needs, then you're probably past the point of finding a workable solution. That's so right Des. Carol, of course, "accepts" a lot of things as my slave. But the trick is they have to be truly accepted. If they are not, then there's no amount of submission or "being a good slave" that's going to stop the inevitable escalation. So in that event, her directive is to bring it back to me for further evaluation.

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