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Tab A into Slot B, But One Size Does NOT fit all - 8/20/2009 8:48:03 AM   
SteelofUtah


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From: St George Utah
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**Yeah so before anyone gets half way through this before knowing what it is about this is about the incessant whining that is common among those wanting to know where to find Real (Weal) and True (Twue) Dominant or submissive.**

It comes to my attention that people want to get the best possible experience with the least amount of negative aspect accumulation when it comes to their BDSM relationship. Much of what I will be saying has been said MILLIONS of times before but I feel that every once in awhile someone should sit down and remind people of human nature so as to allow for a cork style pacifier to close the steam whistle mouths of those who think after 48 hours on CollarMe they should have found their perfect match.

Welcome to Reality! Perhaps you have head of this before however only in theory and have continued to believe that anyone who chooses to tow the line of the moniker Dom/Master/sub/slave must naturally adhere themselves to a code of conduct that makes them nominees for sainthood. Guess what People are People no matter how you package them you will always find those who "Just Don’t get it", Just Don’t Care" or "Need Serious Help".

Here is the funny thing, with the exception of Nigerian African Blond Haired Blue Eyed Model Slaves who are 5’11" and weight 55 pounds and make LOTS of Money but need you to send them the money for a plane ticket to the states, and the Familiar Porn Star Quality and Porn Site LOGO (Yeah when I see a logo for "Hot&horny.com" I know it isn’t really you) I would say that it is hard to be FAKE in something that can’t be defined in a tangible sense at least in a way that everyone agrees on.

So then what exactly is it that is being complained about? People are complaining about not being able to find a Tab A to their Slot B, They tend to believe that there is a one size fits all aspect to BDSM. Guess what some subs are Bitches and always will be, they will bitch and piss and moan and get some Dominant all wrapped around their little finger and the Dominant will be HAPPY to oblige and do whatever it is that makes their little submissive happy. Is this BDSM? Is this Real? Is this True? Fuck if I know. I’m not them and it is THEIR fucking relationship. The Problem is that before that submissive finds that Dominant they judge every other Dominant by this ideal, anyone not adding up is "Fake". There is a Math Structure that I liked to use and has worked for me for a long time in reminding me why finding the diamond in the rough is even harder with the caveat of BDSM looming overhead.

Take 1,000,000 people lest say that roughly ½ are male and ½ are female. This means that of 1 million people only 500,000 are the demographic you are looking for. Lets say that the world is MUCH kinkier then we actually know it to be and say that of the 500,000 10% are Kinky (In reality it is closer to 1% but I’m being generous) so of that 500,000 only 50,000 are Kinky. These 50,000 people are spread out over the globe in reality but lets say they are all American (Cause I am American but it works if you use the global scale too just makes the end result number very small) There are 50 states in America so lets divide them all equally among states (Yes I know that California has WAY more Kinky people then Iowa does but seriously play along) of the Million People there are only 1,000 in your area that are your GENDER DEMOGRAPHIC. Now lets break it down even more lets be even more conservative with our numbers and say of that 1,000 people only ¼ of them are already involved. 750 people are available, of those 750 people we now need to define if they are Dominant or submissive lets say it’s 50/50. So 375 people of the original 1,000,000 are available as both the gender you seek as well as the proper Dom/sub alignment for you to even be interested. We have not gotten into Race, Size, Philosophical belief, Kink Delineation, or even physical attraction yet. Nor have we discussed the fact that even if they match all the qualities you desire it still just might not work out and be conducive to a positive relationship. So in the end you end up with what I believe is one in a Million is an actual possibility and that Globally there is like maybe 200 people who fit your EXACT wants and needs and then you just have to start looking for them. Realizing of course that no one carries a badge that say I’m a "4341A" Hey how cool is that I’m a "4341B" guess that means we are Perfect for each other.

The main Problem is that most of the people looking for the 4341A to their 4341B are looking for original parts only. They often fail to recognize that in addition to the 4341A, the 2986-J, The 7183-M, and the 9597-X will fit their 4341B in nearly perfect market way it just comes with some features they didn’t want or might require a little adjusting on their part to find that sweet spot. (I sear to GOD I am NOT a Car Guy this analogy just works for me) I see so many of these types of people ignore the idea that something different can still work.

There are times however when Non-compatible parts try to jury-rig themselves together and find out quickly and some too late to stop the obvious damage that will be happening that there are some things that just don’t work. I know some people who swear that they are a 4341A when I know that they are really a 8795-D, the put themselves in the Box of a 4341A and even have the Instructions for a 4341A but in the end you just can’t mount a 8796-D to a 4341B.

My Point in all this nonsense? Stop looking for a the easy fix and the Real & True cause they don’t exist, we are all just parts looking for a mate and when we find it we see how well we run, sometimes we need to upgrade and sometimes we need to go back to basics but everyone has someone out there just waiting for them, you just have to be willing to take the time becoming familiar with all the possible parts out there before you know what will work and also what isn’t presenting itself to be one thing when it’s really another.


Steel



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RE: Tab A into Slot B, But One Size Does NOT fit all - 8/20/2009 8:49:44 AM   
IrishMist


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*snickers*

well stated lol



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RE: Tab A into Slot B, But One Size Does NOT fit all - 8/20/2009 9:00:34 AM   
olena


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Brilliantly written!

I have observed this as well. People waste their time and frustration coping level by a combination of being delusional of how the opposite sex really is in many ways, blatant hopeful thinking that someone who shows no effort or communicates things that make one not a fit will someone change or preaching from the pulpit of self know it all and their way is the best and right way.

If people would stop wasting their time to try to get anyone to be with them or only the perfect fantasy person to be with and instead of focusing on the right one that fits in real life reality they would be less frustrated and could put more effort into wooing the right person. But this is just human behavior as wishful thinking, short cuts and ignoring what is right in front of you happens everywhere everyday.

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RE: Tab A into Slot B, But One Size Does NOT fit all - 8/20/2009 9:08:22 AM   
Musicmystery


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~FR~

It also doesn't help to display a public tantrum, indicating all too well that the problem is the poster.

Such posters would do well to invest time in soul-searching rather than lambasting. Oddly, people aren't attracted to bitchy assholes. Dunno what it is. Go figure.

Now whining--everybody loves a good whiner! They're so fun to be around! Life of the party.

I've heard tell that a surprising number of people prefer partners displaying maturity--not to mention coping skills. It's a world gone mad.


< Message edited by Musicmystery -- 8/20/2009 9:09:56 AM >

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RE: Tab A into Slot B, But One Size Does NOT fit all - 8/20/2009 10:10:02 AM   
LadyPact


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I'd have been right there with you, Steel, if we were talking about non kinky folks, rather than kinky folks.  In the vanilla, rather than the kinky dating pools, the equal numbers are very true.  When you start throwing in BDSM, those numbers definitely are thrown way off from that 50/50 standpoint.  Throw poly into that same demographic and there isn't anyone on the planet who could keep up with the math.

I'm not saying this to pick apart what you've written.  In fact, it would make logical sense and it was absolutely entertaining.  What I am saying is that, especially since the 50/50 doesn't seem to apply and translate to us kinky folks is more emphasis really needs to be placed on how people are viewing that search for potential mates.

It isn't just the part that people are looking for the perfect match or the dream Dom/me that they've come up with in their head.  There's also that part about what are you actively doing in your hopes of finding whatever it is you're looking for.  Too often, the answer is that folks aren't really doing anything but sitting back behind the screen and hoping that the person they are waiting for is going to just appear.  That doesn't happen that often and it's My personal opinion that people do need to have a more proactive approach.  This is especially true for males because there honestly is more of you out there than there is of us, plus, you have to cut through the other bullshit that's been created by other males.  (Before anyone accuses Me of gender bashing, take an honest look at that statement.  You'll find it to be true.)

There's a thread in the submissive section right now about what male subs are doing as far as their search goes.  As of this response, there's not one reply that says anything other than not much.  That's not the best approach if the numbers are stacked against a demographic.

It's not just the 4135-A's not finding 4135-B's, or that other compatible parts might fit.  It also has to do with are you trying anything at all.


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RE: Tab A into Slot B, But One Size Does NOT fit all - 8/20/2009 10:20:26 AM   
Stephann


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Looking for one's match can be difficult online.  This is a good thing.  If it was easy, you're either far too shallow, or not nearly discerning enough.

I don't want someone who's willing to lower their standards for me.  I don't want someone who is wrapped up in the fantasy of a relationship or owner that isn't feasible or genuine.  I want someone who is as grounded in reality as I am, who is as emotionally mature as I am, who is as comfortable with their goals and needs as I am. 

I don't complain about the masses who aren't attracted to me.  I'm grateful that they aren't; it means the .001% that are left are likely to be the sort of girl I would be interested in.

Stephan


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RE: Tab A into Slot B, But One Size Does NOT fit all - 8/20/2009 10:36:26 AM   
SteelofUtah


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Very True LP and, Kind of my point. By using the 50/50 it just makes the actual Math easier to understand and when 1,000,000 people become 375 and you still haven't determined what KINK those 375 are even into it makes for a very small number.

The Actual Numbers are even smaller which is why it is important at least in my opinion for people to be aware that going for a specific requirement makes your pool very very small but if you look for character traits and start actually TRYING to see if it will or will not work you will find that there is freedom outside the restraints of the fantasy.

We actually agree close to 100% on this topic. You know I found my Unicorn. I got LUCKY, it fell into my lap. I am the EXCEPTION NOT THE RULE.

I think people need to broaden their horizons when it comes to finding a Partner when what we do is so compartmental driven. Try things with someone who doesn't fit your mold see what happens just don't accept anything LESS than what you deserve as a person.

Steel

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RE: Tab A into Slot B, But One Size Does NOT fit all - 8/20/2009 10:58:45 AM   
LaTigresse


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I got kind of distracted when you brought math into the equation, but then again I hate math......

I get sick of all the bitching, whining, moaning and generally negative "oh poooooor meeee, I am so real and sincere. Everyone else is either a liar, faker, pro (wanting my pinched little pennies), or from Nigeria Wyoming"....sob sob, stomp stomp. I mean, it's fun to poke at sometimes, and it often makes me feel really sorry for them(and when I feel sorry for a person, it's not a good thing...) while feeling really glad I am not them. But otherwise, meh.

Pfffftt!! I am of the belief that what you focus on is what you are going to get. I think ALL of us get some of the above stupidity. Many of us just chuckle, delete and forget. OR, if you are like me, and feeling especially fiesty and evil.........tweak their little peni (or whatever they might have) and laugh wickedly, until they become boring and then delete and forget.

Life is just toooooooo damned short for me to be worrying about whether or not I find my perfect 4135-B or not. I am busy having fun and enjoying the journey. If my little B comes along, fan-fuckin-tastic. If not, that's okay too.

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 8/20/2009 11:00:53 AM >


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RE: Tab A into Slot B, But One Size Does NOT fit all - 8/20/2009 11:09:03 AM   
LadyPact


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That unicorn thing is why I find the discussion rather ironic.  When Leadership527 shows up on this thread, it will be the full trio.

It seems almost hypocritical of Me to sit here and say there needs to be active participation in the search when I've had the situation just fall into My lap.  Honestly, I don't think it's that common, even though there are obvious cases where it does.  For Me personally, I've always leaned towards the theory that it had a lot to do with the numbers being in My favor.  Still, I look at it more from the angle of it has about the same probability as a lightning strike and I wouldn't look for that same lightning strike to happen again in My lifetime.  Possible, yes.  Probable, no.

Even at that, when certain situations do just materialize, we have to look at it from the angle of it wasn't effortless on both sides.  If everyone takes the approach of just sit back and wait, everybody will just be waiting.

While I agree that broadening horizons is a good thing, I don't believe people should lower their standards.  A potential partner's character is never going to be less important than their kink.  Matching up 85% of My kink interests is more than acceptable to Me.  Matching up *only* 85% of My ethical standard probably isn't going to get someone very far.


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Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

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RE: Tab A into Slot B, But One Size Does NOT fit all - 8/20/2009 11:36:01 AM   
Mercnbeth


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quote:

Life is just toooooooo damned short for me to be worrying about whether or not I find my perfect 4135-B or not. I am busy having fun and enjoying the journey. If my little B comes along, fan-fuckin-tastic. If not, that's okay too.

That's exactly the way I went about it Tigresse. Sure, I had my 'ideal' compatible mate in mind; however I was confident she didn't exist!

Faced with the prospect of disqualifying everyone else until the 'ideal' came around, or going out and enjoying the people who were out there it was an easy decision. It helped to include honest disclosure, honest feeling, and honest discussion.

I saw the process as starting with the biggest common denominator requirement. In my case, the first layer of the pyramid was FUN! You still end up excluding some people with that basic requirement but it is the broadest net to cast. Then, you just work your way up the pyramid of needs; gender, mentality, emotional stability, age, personal beliefs & philosophy, family, height, location, weight, sexuality, fetish, and all the other layers of desires listed and prioritized however you desire. Keeping the foundation in place and moving up was how I kept my focus. My reasoning was that even if I never got to the top of the pyramid I created, which some may have said had a needle point top, I'd still get pretty high enjoying a lot of opportunities to fit my "Tab A" into "Slot B".

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RE: Tab A into Slot B, But One Size Does NOT fit all - 8/20/2009 11:53:16 AM   
lockemann


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

quote:

Life is just toooooooo damned short for me to be worrying about whether or not I find my perfect 4135-B or not. I am busy having fun and enjoying the journey. If my little B comes along, fan-fuckin-tastic. If not, that's okay too.

That's exactly the way I went about it Tigresse. Sure, I had my 'ideal' compatible mate in mind; however I was confident she didn't exist!

Faced with the prospect of disqualifying everyone else until the 'ideal' came around, or going out and enjoying the people who were out there it was an easy decision. It helped to include honest disclosure, honest feeling, and honest discussion.

I saw the process as starting with the biggest common denominator requirement. In my case, the first layer of the pyramid was FUN! You still end up excluding some people with that basic requirement but it is the broadest net to cast. Then, you just work your way up the pyramid of needs; gender, mentality, emotional stability, age, personal beliefs & philosophy, family, height, location, weight, sexuality, fetish, and all the other layers of desires listed and prioritized however you desire. Keeping the foundation in place and moving up was how I kept my focus. My reasoning was that even if I never got to the top of the pyramid I created, which some may have said had a needle point top, I'd still get pretty high enjoying a lot of opportunities to fit my "Tab A" into "Slot B".


I think this method should be handed to newbies in a welcome package.  If half of them actually used it, we would experience an almost exponential expansion of the available partner pool!  OK, so maybe not exponential...  But still this method would work!

I think that a lot of the people who venture here forget that dating in the world of kink can actually be very similar to dating in the vanilla world.  Everyone knows that you will go out on a lot of failed dates in your search for the 'perfect partner'.  The whiners refuse to plan for that 'failed date' eventuality.  When I was actively seeking a relationship, I acted just like many of the noobs who complain about not finding the perfect match...but then I decided to relax my definition of a good date, and I met 5 or 6 people within 2 months.  I found my match outside of my stated search range and we made it work!

Kinky relationships are just as much about compromise in the beginning stages as any relationship in the vanilla world. Maybe more so...but I know this: Without at first trying some of the 'less worthy' matches, the perfect match will almost never contact you out of the blue and want to be yours.

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RE: Tab A into Slot B, But One Size Does NOT fit all - 8/20/2009 12:11:14 PM   
stella41b


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Personally I find the last things I need when considering relationships are mathematics and logic.. understanding human nature however is essential.

I'm defined only by me, not by any of my relationships. My ability to seek, find and give happiness is constant. From my perspective right at this moment in time being in a relationship isn't better, it's just different to what is now. I am assuming here of course that the other person in the relationship, when it forms, will cause it to be better, as will my own efforts and will to develop and continue the relationship.

I'm not looking for 4143-B, because I'm not entirely sure I have 4143-A. You see I once thought I had 4143-A, but it actually turned out to be 5372-Z. Or it might just be that I don't have 4143-A but may develop 4143-A if I encounter someone who has 8767-C, but they also might have 5224-D which causes me to have 3097-F and one or the other of us are found to be incompatible.

Personally I just see another person who makes an impression on me or they don't as I on them (or I don't) and we get to know each other, and as we get to know each other more and more intimately a relationship forms. A stable long term relationship? Dunno about that, come back and ask me in 10 years time.

I don't believe in permanence or constants in a relationship, and therefore I don't seek them. Habits yes, proclivities yes, issues of course, but constants and permanence no. You see I'm changing, growing, developing and evolving, as is the other person, and also is the relationship. I don't want to be constant and permanent because it means I would be dead.

I also believe in potential, and this is what I look for - not what is there already, but what could be, might be, and isn't the fun part of the early stages of the relationship discussing the potential in each other and the relationship? How else do you get to know each other? And while I don't believe you can ever accurately work out if there's any potential or not from a profile and photo, I do believe it comes out of the stuff relationships are made of - the interaction. Until there's interaction I'm of the view that you're guessing and engaged in nothing more than speculation.

But then again try to form a relationship without any speculation. Can it be done? Here I'm sceptical. I do believe that you need both speculation and interaction.

And here we come to the nitty gritty - are you inclined to be openminded and positive to both the speculation and interaction, or negative and critical?

I disagree with the numbers philosophy because I am aware of and have attempted to calculate the odds on numerous occasions. And here, just like at the race track, dog track or even in the casino you have your bar, your favourites, your non-runners and 'the field'. It's a given that the vast majority of people you encounter won't see much of your potential and aren't attracted to forming an intimate relationship with you. Most often they are looking for someone else, something else, or 'friends and message board contacts only'.

Another point is, quite often the people you attract aren't the same people as you are looking for. So what do you do? Pursue, or be pursued? Are you prepared to give that person a chance to get to know you? Furthermore, are you able to work out they are interested?

There's no way round it, forming a relationship is risky and based on speculation.

Which is as it should be, for you are an individual. But what this comes down to is are you defined by you or your lack of a relationship? What is more consistent, your ability to seek, find and give happiness or your obsession with unhappiness, lack, deprivation and ability to whine, complain, bitch and generally spread misery?

I know, we've all done it, I've done it myself - when I didn't have something I felt I was entitled to I created, whined, bitched and threw a wobbly. But I was three years old at the time. Since then I've learned a considerable number of things, and one of them is life is not about what you say, but about what you do. And when you end up doing something which isn't bringing you fulfillment or causing happiness you go out and actively seek change.

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RE: Tab A into Slot B, But One Size Does NOT fit all - 8/20/2009 1:28:02 PM   
lally2


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whats being proactive? -  how much do you have to do to find the right person.

ive been to munches and met guys that want to spank my bum for the evening and maybe again for a bit of distractive fun but nothing thats close to Ds.  ive put myself around on the internet and waded through a broad spectrum of all sorts, some ive met, some ive attempted to go down the Ds path with and in the end ive come to this conclusion.

too many doms think that its all about being uber.  its all about projecting their domlyness because theyre caught in the trap of needing to be uber.  if theyre not then theyre not the real deal.  so barriers and all kinds of shite go off which detracts from the process of actually building anything that can possibly last.  the one dimensional Dom/sub ingredient forgetting all else, maybe even avoiding all else when all else is so important.  so afraid are they to show theyre soft underbelly, their weaknesses, their failings because to do so is not Domly.  its gone mad

its all about being the uber dom and me being the uber slave and nothing atall about him and me and who we are as people   so much emphasis is put on what we are and not enough on who we are.

forget the titles and all the labels.  we are just human beings trying to find a mate youre right, youre absolutely freaking right, so why is it so damn hard for people to just be themselves and allow who they are to win the day.

i dont give a shit how uber anyone thinks they are, i dont care about how experienced or anything else. its all bollox.  its down to the person and the personality and after that the dynamic of Ds gets going.

too much emphasis on Dom and sub.  lets just be people already.

< Message edited by lally2 -- 8/20/2009 1:31:08 PM >

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RE: Tab A into Slot B, But One Size Does NOT fit all - 8/20/2009 1:40:16 PM   
pixidustpet


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~~fast reply~~

TheEngineer and i had been involved for a while...and on one memorable occasion did something that reminded me on a visceral level of something my then-current-dominant did.  and i called TheEngineer "Daddy".

and it ended up pushing his kink button, quite firmly.  so yep, the "find what you find and see what happens" worked out well for me/us.  he relocated me to texas from florida, and things have gone pretty smoothly from there.  of course the other dominant in question became a long distance computer only dominant...but he KNEW about it and approved me being able to have a 24/7 in person relationship AND for me to be taken care of.

it can happen.  and i agree, one size does not fit all, not at all.

kitten

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RE: Tab A into Slot B, But One Size Does NOT fit all - 8/20/2009 4:25:39 PM   
DomImus


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All the rhetoric aside, while there are things you can do that increase your chances or make things more difficult it really comes down to luck. Nobody ever seems to mention how important serendipity is in the equation. You can do everything right in your search and spend a damn long time searching and you can do everything wrong and trip over the love of your life. The benefits of being in the right place at the right time are often downplayed.

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RE: Tab A into Slot B, But One Size Does NOT fit all - 8/21/2009 8:10:52 AM   
DesFIP


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I don't think that there is someone for everyone. There are a lot of people with major problems out there who want a perfect relationship and flatly refuse to recognize or do anything about the fact that they aren't capable of having any kind of relationship for more than a week.

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RE: Tab A into Slot B, But One Size Does NOT fit all - 8/22/2009 8:44:43 AM   
Andalusite


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Back when I was looking, I went out with several guys I met here, as well as a couple I met through vanilla interests. I'd say 90% of the dominant and submissive men here on the forums have approaches that are completely incompatible with me, but on the personals side, there were plenty of guys who seemed to be reasonable possibilities. The problems mostly weren't about specific kinks, but attitudes. "One strike and you're out." "Just liking what I want isn't enough, you have to orgasm from it, or combine it with humiliation, or otherwise do it my way." Some of them it apparently works for, since they're in relationships, but a lot of them are still looking, but apparently not putting much effort into it.

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RE: Tab A into Slot B, But One Size Does NOT fit all - 8/22/2009 9:07:53 AM   
anthrosub


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Actually there are a lot more kinky people out there than 1%. I remember reading a news item on CNN or MSNBC a couple years ago about sexuality in America. I can't remember the exact number but 23 seems to keep coming to mind. I'm sure the exact figure will vary from one study to the next but anything will be much higher than 1%. My 2 cents.

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RE: Tab A into Slot B, But One Size Does NOT fit all - 8/22/2009 9:40:04 AM   
SteelofUtah


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Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: anthrosub

Actually there are a lot more kinky people out there than 1%. I remember reading a news item on CNN or MSNBC a couple years ago about sexuality in America. I can't remember the exact number but 23 seems to keep coming to mind. I'm sure the exact figure will vary from one study to the next but anything will be much higher than 1%. My 2 cents.


I am refering to those who Identify as being involved in the alternative lifestyle of BDSM and the reason is that most are looking for those who already know what they are rather than starting a relationship and hoping it works out.

Believe it or not the people we call Vanilla have a HIGH PROPENSITY for Kink just not constant acceptance of it, nor do that have a high ability to maintain a healthy attitude about the kinky activities they do enjoy and would rather keep them secret or not even mention them to their partner.

But in the case you address yet the number is much higher.

Steel

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(in reply to anthrosub)
Profile   Post #: 19
Page:   [1]
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Tab A into Slot B, But One Size Does NOT fit all Page: [1]
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