New Mistress seeking advice (Full Version)

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JenTehLuv -> New Mistress seeking advice (8/20/2009 9:04:24 AM)

Hello all, thank you for checking out my thread; hopefully I'll get helpful responses.

You see, I've recently become the Mistress of my friend/male slave. Overall he's a very obedient, loyal, and gentle slave but he tends to misbehave or not follow orders from time to time (what slave doesn't?).

Yesterday I've found out that he wasn't doing a specific order that I gave him to do daily and I'm wondering what kind of punishment would be suitable for my little slave. The order was that whenever he took a shower that he would masturbate then clean himself like normal, and I suppose he didn't understand clearly because he assumed that it was only an order when noone was in the house with him (since we both fear of him getting in trouble since he still lives with his family). It's an order I gave him a week or so after becoming his playmate and I informed him that he must do it everyday unless I told him not to....hearing that he hasn't been doing it for all this time really struck a nerve.

As his Mistress I take responsibility for whatever punishment I give my slave, but I'd like to know a few suggestions to kind of shake things up a little. He's a pain whore and loves to be spanked/whipped/slapped/etc, and since we play together only online (though I give him orders to do offline as well) whatever punishment I give him can only be when he's alone or online. I was thinking of cutting playtime all together for a few days, but knowing different punishment ideas would help greatly; especially when I consider the fact that he is my very first slave.

Advice? Comments? Suggestions?



undergroundsea -> RE: New Mistress seeking advice (8/20/2009 9:43:52 AM)

First, I would wonder how each of you sees this situation. Is it transgression and punishment that lies in disappointment, or is it transgression and punishment that lies in play (hehee, he didn't do what I say, now I get to beat him, wohoo)?

Then, I would wonder why he did not do what you expected him to do. If there was miscommunication, was it reasonable and is simply clarifying the instruction enough of a remedy?

If it was not miscommunication, is the ritual realistic or practical enough? That is, is he not doing it because he thinks the expectation is unreasonable but is uncomfortable to say so? If so, I would wonder why he thinks it is unreasonable and if you think his rationale has merit.

If he does not think it is unreasonable, did he slip in order to earn punishment? If so, it is up to you to decide whether this is fun punishment or corrective punishment. If it is corrective punishment, using what he likes will not achieve the result.

Also, if he is seeking punishment, I would probe why he is doing so. Sometimes when a sub seeks punishment it is because the sub does not feel enough of a D/s dynamic otherwise, which is useful to know.

Lastly, I know of an insightful domme who makes her instructions meaningful and explains why she is asking what she is asking in the early stages of a relationship. Doing so lets the sub see that she has thought through her expectations and that there is always a good reason for it. She finds that her approach helps to build trust.

Cheers,

Sea



AAkasha -> RE: New Mistress seeking advice (8/20/2009 10:49:08 AM)


In my opinion, if you punish a slave (playfully or not) for a miscommunication that could have been partially or all your fault, you set a bad precedent.  That's not to say you can't playfully admit that perhaps you were not PAINFULLY CLEAR and still punish him, but while doing so, make sure he knows you are not just blaming him for the sake of blame.  Resentment is a nasty, nasty little beast in power exchange. Always take personal responsibility if you may be to blame, but still work toward fixing the problem.

That said, my suggestion is to wrap the entire misunderstanding into a ritual of correction for both of you.  Create a game where you give a command and he must follow it to the letter without interpretation of his own.  I think it's a good exercise for clear communication.  Make sure when you do punish him however you say "This is going to hurt you a lot more than it is going to hurt me, in fact, it's going to turn me on."  Or something like that.  Basically communicate to him that you are "punishing" him out of affection.

Always be careful with the idea of punishment anyway.  Under all of the S&M games, make sure you pull him aside and explain, "this is what disappointed me, and this is how we can avoid that in the future, because I care about you."  You said this is an online thing, so remember that a lot of meaning can be lost in text.  Have a phone conversation instead of emails or IMs if possible.

Akasha



mnottertail -> RE: New Mistress seeking advice (8/20/2009 10:57:35 AM)

While I have complete agreement with AAkasha's POV, I still find myself presented with a dichotomy.  Because a child, placing their hand to the stove's flame knows no better, is that a valid reason to suspend physical law, so they are not burned?

So, do exactly as AAkasha says, but give some consequence hook (for him, and for you) so that a little light will go on for him and for you, and when confronted with nebulous situations, each of you, as is an office of your station, will insure clarity.

Ron(ne) 



PrincessDonna -> RE: New Mistress seeking advice (8/20/2009 11:02:00 AM)

Cut all communication for 72 hours,do not ask why he did not follow through let him beg you to let him tell you.This is why I dont do online play you really dont know if they are doing ANYTHING you say.Meet in public at some point,make him bring a plastic cup,go into the bathroom and jiz in to the cup,bring it back to the table and drink it in front of you,you will soon find out if he is really what he says he is but also you will learn some new things about you! I know I did.



SLAVEBOY32 -> RE: New Mistress seeking advice (8/20/2009 11:14:25 AM)

If a male had posted something like this, instead of advice, he would be getting a metaphorical ass ripping...LOL.



JenTehLuv -> RE: New Mistress seeking advice (8/20/2009 3:34:53 PM)

Thanks for those who've given me advice on what to do in this situation. I agree it was probably miscommunication on both of our parts (mostly mine though). He just confused me by making me think he understood the orders, especially when he called me after the first time he did it to tell me he "did what Mistress asked him to". I gave him a 'Good boy' and thought that was that, apparently I was wrong.

I made this thread in another website and got feedback from it as well, and I'm happy with all the helpful posts I've recieved. I've decieded not to give him much of a punishment, rather an assignment. Since he's an artist I asked if he could make a drawing of me that I could use as a profile picture. It'll give him an activity that will make him recall why he's drawing the picture in the first place plus it'll help sharpen his skills as an artist.

Again; thank you all who replied to my thread, I appreciate it.



MissJanice2 -> RE: New Mistress seeking advice (8/21/2009 8:09:12 PM)

While I realize it is online, and sometimes this can be effective for a short period, I don't see how you can read his emotions health issues he may have. How can you determine what the miscommunication was?
 As Dommes, we are responsbile for a sub/slave's health and welfare. If you are dishing out silly only punishments to get your kicks, that is not right.  If you plan to collar him in the future, you need to get a plan together and start taking simple steps to meet them.
Without meeting someone, how do you know they are actually following through with this so that you two can get your kicks?
 
Respectfully,
 
Mistress_Jan



AcademyForSlaves -> RE: New Mistress seeking advice (8/21/2009 11:09:32 PM)

Hi.

We've found the punishment and reward system to work really well. Punish him when he's not obeying and reward him with what he likes when he obeys. So far it's doing really great with our slaves and the Mistresses like how obedient it makes the slaves we train.

Hope this helps.



islandgyrl -> RE: New Mistress seeking advice (8/22/2009 3:39:32 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: JenTehLuv

Thanks for those who've given me advice on what to do in this situation. I agree it was probably miscommunication on both of our parts (mostly mine though). He just confused me by making me think he understood the orders, especially when he called me after the first time he did it to tell me he "did what Mistress asked him to". I gave him a 'Good boy' and thought that was that, apparently I was wrong.

I made this thread in another website and got feedback from it as well, and I'm happy with all the helpful posts I've recieved. I've decieded not to give him much of a punishment, rather an assignment. Since he's an artist I asked if he could make a drawing of me that I could use as a profile picture. It'll give him an activity that will make him recall why he's drawing the picture in the first place plus it'll help sharpen his skills as an artist.

Again; thank you all who replied to my thread, I appreciate it.


Clipping weights onto his testicles while at task drawing artwork may help him recall.



crouchingtigress -> RE: New Mistress seeking advice (8/22/2009 7:12:27 AM)

I know you have already handled the problem, but i thought i would chime in on something. You say he was first a friend and then it has evolved to D/S, cool that is a great way to start, but sometimes it also leads to lax communication, vs a slave application and or a contract where folks know from tthe beginning what they are signing up for, what they are getting out of the dynamic and what they are willing to give to it.

I like the idea of contracts for another reason as well, you can put a time limit on it. And i have found over the years, that having a set time limit, means folks play is full on and folks can dive into thier roles deeply and powerfully, and you dont find as much ofthe resitance and reactance of the normal enslavement progression.

mine ususally says, lets try this for one month, each of us diving in as deeply as we want to go and in a month we can renegotiate the situation.....it gives each person permission to play full out, with out fears of permantly changing thier lives.



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