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the introduction of pain - 8/21/2009 11:46:20 AM   
babe4bdk


Posts: 11
Joined: 8/1/2009
Status: offline 		hello to all and thank you for taking the time to read my post.  i am new to the lifestyle and currently involved with an amazing Dom. i realize that i still have so, so much to learn and He has and continues to enlighten me.  W/we have known one another for a year or so but as of recently W/we are upping the ante so to speak.  He has begun
to intoduce a little more pain and with that i have found myself in some of those situations actually fighting Him.  this is something i have wanted so terribly bad for years, and i have found the most wonderful Dom, and i fight Him?  i was wondering if anyone had any advice on how to more effectively handle the situation  Any posts would be greatly appreciated.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: the introduction of pain - 8/21/2009 12:24:43 PM   
sexisubi


Posts: 373
Joined: 11/23/2008
Status: offline 		is this during play or is this during your everyday connection?

also just remember communicate communicate communicate.. he already seems to be very pacient, because you say he is a great master (if not -communicate-), now lets see what you need to do to be equally so. maybe you need to step away from the situation if its like an everyday kind of defience.. if its defience at all.. just simply tell him this is something you want to do, and remember that if this is what you want what it means and what things you both are giving up. calm down go back in there with a different mind set, stepping away can really help, and tell him before so youre not just walking away from him.

if its something dealing with play and only play and everything else is going great, maybe you need something to boost your pain tolarence with more stimulation during the pain or something like that. and i dont mean to sound silly or runchy just talking here but clit stimulation has been known to increase pain tolarence.. but im not sure where the fighting is coming from on which side?

anyway i sure do hope that helps, and i hope i understood what you were looking for, goodluck.

_____________________________

bound by love,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nIvvaqUdDm8

(in reply to babe4bdk)
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RE: the introduction of pain - 8/21/2009 12:41:25 PM   
babe4bdk


Posts: 11
Joined: 8/1/2009
Status: offline 		thank you sexi subi-

i suppose i should have been more specific as far as it pertaining to "everyday" or "play"time.  W/we have a wonderful relationship, playful, communicative, loving, and
all that good stuff :)  my post was in response to an incident during play where i was totally pain intolerant...although i am not a pain slut, i don't consider myself a sissy either and do love pain to an extent.  i want him to able to push my limits without me fighting him.  thank you so much for your post and the tip on clit stimulation;)

(in reply to sexisubi)
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RE: the introduction of pain - 8/21/2009 12:59:36 PM   
sexisubi


Posts: 373
Joined: 11/23/2008
Status: offline 		haha, yeah as silly as it makes me feel to say it im not gonna lie it so works! lol *blush, blush, blush*

_____________________________

bound by love,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nIvvaqUdDm8

(in reply to babe4bdk)
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RE: the introduction of pain - 8/21/2009 6:04:10 PM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline 		Pain is a state of mind, but not always can you find yourself in the right headspace.

Try not to be too hard on yourself. Sometimes it just doesn't happen. Accept this and enjoy it when it does.

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(in reply to babe4bdk)
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RE: the introduction of pain - 8/21/2009 6:45:54 PM   
babe4bdk


Posts: 11
Joined: 8/1/2009
Status: offline 		thank you for your post stella.  it is greatly appreciated and actually that is kind of the route i was taking.  in fact W/we have had similar experiences that were
successful but in this one instance i just don't think i was in the "right" frame of mind. if at first you don't succeed try, try again..

(in reply to stella41b)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: the introduction of pain - 8/21/2009 7:02:55 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		I have found that sometimes having an emotional load that is making you crave closeness and comfort can sometimes intercept any hopes of being able to handle pain play. I had that kind of happen recently and it was a situation where I had been dealt major bad news just prior to our visit. I cringed at even the sight of toys I normally desired. As differently as we can be wired sometimes, it reminds me that there are times when our needs are not so different from other people. I was grieving. I needed to be held, comforted, and told it was all going to be okay.

The other thing that comes to mind, and by the sound of your post I am probably off base with this one, is that he is triggering that primal fight or flight instinct. If this is happening after a session has been going on for a while and this is a new level of pain, it could be so. There comes a point for some where the everything else used to tolerate pain is maxed out. At this point, the brain shifts down into an even deeper mode and it turns to survival. A submissive in this state may well kick, bite, hit, or otherwise attempt to phyiscally subdue the dominant. The person is simply reacting at that point with no real intent or rationale. It is just impulse. One way around it are tight secure bondage that is not loosened until the submissive is starting to come back from subspace. There is nothing wrong with play to this level at all, and some dominants seem to really enjoy pushing a submissive that far. Finding a way to do it safely is the tricky part.

I guess to further clarify I would ask you if you start fighting immediately or if it is deeper into a session when you are already beginning to overload. I would also ask you if there are any significant stressors going on that may be affecting your emotional needs and mental space. As everyone will likely say, communicate. He can't know what's going on if you never tell him. Even if you don't quite know what's going on, talk to him anyway. At the very least he will learn more about how your lovely mind works out of it all. Take care and play safe!

lovingpet

(in reply to babe4bdk)
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RE: the introduction of pain - 8/21/2009 7:27:31 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		There are days when "playing" is the last thing i want to do. Mindset is an important part of what we do - and if you find yourself in such a mindset that you can't tolerate what is going on - safeword and communicate. A competent dom will know that play levels vary from time to time - and even if this is something new to him, he should be able to accept it.

My Sir can pretty much tell from how i react right off the get-go how much i can tolerate, and usually modifies/changes how he intends to play. Sometimes he doesn't - if he wants to hurt me and isn't worried about my reaction, then i just have to suffer through it (so to speak).

(in reply to lovingpet)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: the introduction of pain - 8/21/2009 8:44:59 PM   
CaringandReal


Posts: 1397
Joined: 2/15/2008
Status: offline 		I'm not sure what you mean by "fighting" him, but perhaps some rope and a gag would take care of that problem?

(in reply to kiwisub12)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: the introduction of pain - 8/22/2009 8:40:39 AM   
babe4bdk


Posts: 11
Joined: 8/1/2009
Status: offline 		thank you all for your advice and posts--they are oh so appreciated and definitely touched a nerve.  loving pet, i believe that part of my problem was that i was craving
closeness and warmth, and He had other plans :)  i think what it comes down to is that i was just was purely not in the head space that i should have been or He needed
me to be.

(in reply to CaringandReal)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: the introduction of pain - 8/22/2009 9:00:27 AM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		It seemed so to me too from your post. Sometimes, as much as we may want to, we just aren't able to get to that frame of mind where we are able to handle the pain play. I hope he has been understanding with you and can help you get things sorted and back on track. Best of luck sweetie!

lovingpet

(in reply to babe4bdk)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: the introduction of pain - 8/22/2009 5:27:43 PM   
Mishna


Posts: 70
Joined: 11/1/2008
Status: offline 		When I first started in BDSM, which wasn't all that long ago, I fought hard against submitting at all, even though it was what we both wanted. It took time and some patience. But it also took pushing, and me getting in the mindset of challenging myself to take more pain, to submit more every time we were together. If you tell yourself something long enough and hard enough, you will start to believe. When I felt myself starting to rebel, I took a deep breath, relaxed and we did whatever it was again. Sometimes I had to speak up and say I was struggling with something and he would push a little harder until I gave in.

I agree 100% with "communicate, communicate, communicate", between you and your dom, but also with yourself. Take the time to think about it, perhaps while you have some time alone without distractions. That has always worked well for me.

Good luck!

(in reply to lovingpet)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: the introduction of pain - 8/22/2009 7:47:14 PM   
Drifa


Posts: 547
Joined: 7/27/2007
From: Rural Texas
Status: offline 		I enjoy sensation play, but there are some types that I can't hold position for, such as caning... which is why restraints were invented.  The helplessness of being bound just accentuates the pain play for me.

I will say that there are times I just can't do intense pain. We work up to it, and my Lady pays attention to my responses to see where I am. She likes to take me right to the edge and let me peek over it without pushing me over. The key to being able to do this isn't telepathy, just good, open communication when play is not occurring. We'll talk about a session later and see what we liked and what would have been better some other way. Even after 15 years, we both still learn from one another.

I've also had times where I was begging to stop, and she coaxes me to do one more. Part of that is praise, part of it is giving me a second to catch my breath, part of it is reminding me that she is in control and that I offer my submission willingly. I get the biggest rush when it is a little bit of a struggle to submit.



(in reply to Mishna)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: the introduction of pain - 8/22/2009 8:59:02 PM   
babe4bdk


Posts: 11
Joined: 8/1/2009
Status: offline 		drifa and mishna, thank you both for your posts.  yes, communication is so key.  although sometimes communication is a pitfall for me...i am
actively working on that among other things :)  like i mentioned pain is new to me, welcomed--but new.  although it is something i have wanted
badly, when it is staring me in the face i am unsure how to handle it.  posting here is so very helpful to gain advice and to hear stories relevant
to my own, as i have no friends in the "lifestyle".  thank you again for your two cents.

(in reply to Drifa)
Profile   Post #: 14
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