How to tell people (Full Version)

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rose1985 -> How to tell people (8/21/2009 5:32:22 PM)

This crossed my mind when I got an email from a friend on this site. She asked if any of my friends knew about my tendencies, and the answer is no. But it got me thinking. I do have some good friends, who I could trust, but how do I share my kinks without coming across like a complete freak? Any advice?



DarkSteven -> RE: How to tell people (8/21/2009 5:48:56 PM)

Right now, you're single and don't need to explain.  After you hook up with a Dominant woman, you can say things like, "Aftera full day at work, it's great to have Suzy take charge", "I appreciate how she watches over me.", etc.  You just phrase her taking control in vanilla terms.



spokanesub85 -> RE: How to tell people (8/21/2009 5:56:15 PM)

I've been struggling with this for several years.  I was in the military for five years, where almost any sexual kink you can think of (although they may be against some outdated, rarely enforced rules) will not get you ostracized (as long as you are not gay, that is) and yet I never told any of my friends, except once when I was really drunk, I told my two best friend's wives.  Oddly enough, neither of them thought that it was that weird.  I was deeply in love with a vanilla girl and could not bring myself to tell her.  Now I'm in college, where literally anything goes, and I still do not tell people.  I'm generally outgoing, not really a shy person by any measure, and tend to shock my friends with the kind of jokes I tell and things I say to get a laugh, yet I cannot bring myself to tell people that I prefer to be dominated by women, both in and out of the bedroom.



Eivarden -> RE: How to tell people (8/21/2009 6:11:33 PM)

With how I joke around, the very select few I have told about my interests, think they are all part of my jokes.

Personally, I'd rather they think I am joking.

I'm not too open about my interests.
And to remain safe, it will stay that way.

I'd suggest jokes, to test their reactions, but then again, if they are not taking you seriously, then they might act differently, than how they would, had you came to them seriously.

Sorry I wasn't much help. ^^



slavekal -> RE: How to tell people (8/21/2009 7:38:12 PM)

I recommend telling only if it's necessary.  Only one of my vanilla friends knows the full story.  And I had a very good reason for telling her.



AcademyForSlaves -> RE: How to tell people (8/21/2009 11:19:27 PM)

Hi.

We've always found the best way is to wait until a person comes to us and tell us they like it and are into it too. Nobody likes rejection so why tell someone who might not understand. Associate with people who understand you and love you the way you are.

Hope this helps.



MaamJay -> RE: How to tell people (8/22/2009 1:34:26 AM)

We made the choice to tell some good friends with whom we spent a lot of time simply so we could be ourselves around them and not have them wondering what was going on. This is how we did it:
1. We said there was something we would like to share with them IF THEY WERE WILLING TO HEAR IT
If they weren't (and one couple said so), didn't proceed. If they were:
2. We said that we valued their friendship enough to want to share this with them, and explained that it was so we wouldn't be hiding ourselves from them. We trusted in them enough to reveal ourselves. We also said we would be willing to answer any of their questions once we'd done the basic explanation.
3. We then talked more about the D/s stuff than about the "whips'n'chains" stuff, emphasizing the trust, strength of character to submit, leadership skills to Dominate etc. And that it was a voluntary power exchange.

Inevitably this led to lots of interested questions and a great conversation. Most could see there was power exchange in any r'ship, just that usually it's under the table instead of on top of it. And often power gets wrested back and forth, whereas the D/s made clear which way it was to go. None of the people we told had a fit, none of them changed the way they dealt with us, and when I'm back in that city, still see them a lot. Stayed with one couple last time I was there. All said they respected that it was difficult to have shared that, and acknowledged it made them feel special that we did. It took those friendships to new levels.

I think the key is to pick the people you tell wisely and thoughtfully ... and don't just blurt it out. Also none of them are in a position where knowing could create an ethical dilemma for them. For eg, no matter how well I get on with My boss, no way would I breathe a word while they are still in that position. In the roles we are in, that would place undue burden on them. So choose those you think can handle it and whom you respect and trust. Otherwise, you could be sorry!

Maam Jay aka violet[A]



mnottertail -> RE: How to tell people (8/22/2009 1:45:32 AM)

For me, if my ma was still alive, it would go something like.........
me: ma, meet cindy (whatever) she worships my genitalia like it is the last cock she'll ever eat, and I like that.
ma: can she cook?
me: ya, not like you.
ma: you need some food, let me send something home with you.
me: ma, I weigh two fucking hundred pounds for fuck sake, like I need to eat all the shit you wanna send with me
ma: do you need a vibrator or some of them 'german' magazines?
me: no, I'm good ma
ma: love you
me: love you



Cloudz -> RE: How to tell people (8/22/2009 2:44:47 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: spokanesub85

I've been struggling with this for several years.  I was in the military for five years, where almost any sexual kink you can think of (although they may be against some outdated, rarely enforced rules) will not get you ostracized (as long as you are not gay, that is) and yet I never told any of my friends, except once when I was really drunk, I told my two best friend's wives.  Oddly enough, neither of them thought that it was that weird.  I was deeply in love with a vanilla girl and could not bring myself to tell her.  Now I'm in college, where literally anything goes, and I still do not tell people.  I'm generally outgoing, not really a shy person by any measure, and tend to shock my friends with the kind of jokes I tell and things I say to get a laugh, yet I cannot bring myself to tell people that I prefer to be dominated by women, both in and out of the bedroom.


Dear One,

You do not need to tell "people" you need only tell the woman you wish to be dominated by...true? Only a handful of people need to know my status, therefore only a handful of people do.

(edited for typo)



islandgyrl -> RE: How to tell people (8/22/2009 3:43:58 AM)

You may want to ask yourself why you feel the need to share this part of yourself. Is there someone in your circle of friends that you desire?



MsFlutter -> RE: How to tell people (8/22/2009 3:59:18 AM)

My friends are at peace without that kind of information. I'm positive the first response would be "that explains a lot!! Telling them serves very little purpose. 



CarrieO -> RE: How to tell people (8/22/2009 6:28:10 AM)

I follow the 'need to know' way of thinking.  I have one very good friend who knows everything about me...and I her.  She was the first person I opened up to.  I have a male friend who, in the past, was a safe call so he knew some of what I was into...not all.  I don't, however, feel a need to wear a sign advertising my lifestyle choices.  Tell those you feel need to know, only when YOU feel its necessary.
As for coming across as a freak....Oh gosh, they knew that about me a loooong time ago! 



gentlemanprince -> RE: How to tell people (8/22/2009 7:50:54 AM)

Many Dommes naturally are so assertive in all their relationships that there is no really need to tell others. Their would only be surprise if she were not running the show. Thus, MsFlutter's "that explains a lot" comment.



undergroundsea -> RE: How to tell people (8/22/2009 7:58:25 AM)

I have told a few friends and each of my siblings know. I did not share details but told them simply that I identified with alternative relationship expressions and threw the word fetishes (it's more neutral than sadism or masochism) in there. The benefit is that I don't have to hide things (why I was always off with these other friends they never get to meet) like I did, and I like to think that knowing I am into fetishes might have helped break some stereotypes. This type of collective coming out is what helped grow the acceptance of homosexuality.

So there is benefit to be had. It is for each person to weigh the benefit against potential costs.

As for more ideas for how to do it, there is plenty of literature for how to come out for those who are gay. I think the fundamental ideas from that literature will also be useful to BDSMers.

Cheers,

Sea



spokanesub85 -> RE: How to tell people (8/22/2009 8:51:39 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Cloudz

quote:

ORIGINAL: spokanesub85

I've been struggling with this for several years.  I was in the military for five years, where almost any sexual kink you can think of (although they may be against some outdated, rarely enforced rules) will not get you ostracized (as long as you are not gay, that is) and yet I never told any of my friends, except once when I was really drunk, I told my two best friend's wives.  Oddly enough, neither of them thought that it was that weird.  I was deeply in love with a vanilla girl and could not bring myself to tell her.  Now I'm in college, where literally anything goes, and I still do not tell people.  I'm generally outgoing, not really a shy person by any measure, and tend to shock my friends with the kind of jokes I tell and things I say to get a laugh, yet I cannot bring myself to tell people that I prefer to be dominated by women, both in and out of the bedroom.


Dear One,

You do not need to tell "people" you need only tell the woman you wish to be dominated by...true? Only a handful of people need to know my status, therefore only a handful of people do.

(edited for typo)


I guess you're right, but I'd like to be able to discuss with my friends the things I'm into, or be able to find a woman I could be happy with in a more traditional manner, instead of having to look on websites because their the only place where I will know upfront if a woman is into the same things as me.



undergroundsea -> RE: How to tell people (8/22/2009 9:00:42 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: spokanesub85
I guess you're right, but I'd like to be able to discuss with my friends the things I'm into, or be able to find a woman I could be happy with in a more traditional manner, instead of having to look on websites because their the only place where I will know upfront if a woman is into the same things as me.


I agree with your point that limiting self to websites limits pool of potential partners. Indeed, people knowing about your interest in BDSM creates one other avenue and when you begin the network of friends you relatively have a head start on establishing social commonality. I have had one case where I dated a woman who was intrigued to hear at a semi-vanilla party (host was kinky, crowd was artists, musicians and the like) that I was arranging a fetish night. I rely on judgment for what to say in which circles.

One other benefit of being out to select people is that you might have an ally in some situations. I had a trip to visit my brother's inlaws in California. I timed the trip around a fetish night there and he helped cover for me when I went to attend the event.

Cheers,

Sea



pyroaquatic -> RE: How to tell people (8/22/2009 12:40:27 PM)

That's right folks... you heard it right.

Come out when you want to develop some kinky allies!

:P

I'm sorry but I have the tendency to tell the truth... and make everyone feel really uncomfortable.

My family knows I am a special little cup of kinkiness. I don't go around yelling "I AM A SLAVE-SLUT" or anything like that.




MsStarlett -> RE: How to tell people (8/22/2009 3:06:35 PM)

Basically, the whole world doesn't need to know what people do behind closed doors - Regardless.  If all someone does is straight up, vanilla, man on top of woman, missionary style on Tuesday afternoons with the doors locked and windows shuttered, that's their business.  Generally, as mentioned before, if it's someone I think might share my views, I tend to jokingly mention "But then... I'm a little kinky."  Most of my friends do that big fake super shocked "NOoooo!   I would have never guessed that about YOU!"  thing.  Those who tend to give off a truely uncomfortable vibe, I always have the out that I run a costume shop and a haunted house... therefore it's perfectly logical that I have corsets, whips, chains and a fully functional electric chair.



pyroaquatic -> RE: How to tell people (8/22/2009 3:09:52 PM)

Do you seriously run a costume shop and haunted house?!

I tend to be a blathermouth.

Don't ever tell me a secret, and don't ever put me in a situation where I have to lie.

I will tell the truth.



MsStarlett -> RE: How to tell people (8/22/2009 3:55:42 PM)

Actually, I used to run a charity haunt, now we just do a huge, free neighborhood thing.  More fun, less hassle.  



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