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RE: How to tell people - 8/22/2009 7:49:21 PM

Drifa

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Go camping with 200 of your friends and then have loud, kinky sex in a tent. You will find you don't have to tell them anything after that. They know. And will tease you forever after.

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RE: How to tell people - 8/22/2009 11:25:30 PM

sirsholly

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quote:

ORIGINAL: rose1985

This crossed my mind when I got an email from a friend on this site. She asked if any of my friends knew about my tendencies, and the answer is no. But it got me thinking. I do have some good friends, who I could trust, but how do I share my kinks without coming across like a complete freak? Any advice?

i haven't read any other responses, so i hope i am not repeating.

As far as sharing your kinks...why would you? It is ok to be a private person in some arenas.
My kink, sex life, etc are not discussed.

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RE: How to tell people - 8/23/2009 5:35:25 AM

NovelApproach

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I don't make it a point to tell anyone, but I don't go out of my way to hide it either. The fact that my boy and I have an unusual dynamic to our relationship is pretty obvious to people who know us - those that want to know usually ask. I will also make it a point to bring up the subject in a roundabout way with people I get that "vibe" from - I've never once gotten that feeling from someone who wasn't either very curious or already in the lifestyle, and having IRL friends to share kinky conversations with is a lovely thing.

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RE: How to tell people - 8/23/2009 6:11:28 AM

PrimaFacie

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Joined: 6/7/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: gentlemanprince

Many Dommes naturally are so assertive in all their relationships that there is no really need to tell others. Their would only be surprise if she were not running the show. Thus, MsFlutter's "that explains a lot" comment.

I agree with gentlemanprince, that most people who know me would be surprised if I were NOT in charge sexually. I have also shared some more specific information with a very close male friend who turned out to be surprisingly accepting, although not personally interested, lol.

But as other posters have noted, I also wonder why the OP feels the need to share this information with vanilla friends. I would not make my interests general knowledge, by any means. I wouldn't feel compelled to make it known, any more than I would share any other intimate sexual information. Geez, where I work, they would be lining up for spankings, and we'd never get anything done.

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RE: How to tell people - 9/2/2009 5:34:16 AM

WarGoddess

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I agree with many of the posters here: the whole world doesn't need to know the details of anyone's personal life.

It is always good to have friends for support and advice, and if you feel comfortable with current "vanilla" friends, I would start by asking them if they get bored in bed, what do they do to experiment and spice things up? Even "vanilla" types do blindfolds and scarf bondage, and if you can get a discussion going about power exchange, also common in "vanilla" relationships you'll know your lifestyle will be well received.

I'd also look to build new friendships in the BDSM community through clubs, munches, and online groups in your area. Having experienced people to support and guide you is invaluable.

Just remember you do not need to tell everyone about this. I am Bisexual and a Dominant; some friends know this, some don't. Some family knows I'm Bisexual, but not Dominant, some know both, but not all. I couldn't tell my father either or he'd hemorrhage. However I can talk to my step-mother about it and she's a wonderful source of sage advice from a 3rd party perspective.

Just try to remember revealing your lifestyle choice is a form of "coming out." If there is any risk it could damage a relationship stop and ask yourself if the risk is worth it, and why you feel the need to do so.

Best of luck!

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RE: How to tell people - 9/2/2009 7:37:40 AM

LaTigresse

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quote:

ORIGINAL: rose1985

This crossed my mind when I got an email from a friend on this site. She asked if any of my friends knew about my tendencies, and the answer is no. But it got me thinking. I do have some good friends, who I could trust, but how do I share my kinks without coming across like a complete freak? Any advice?

My whole life operates on a "need to know" basis. I also do not volunteer anything. If someone asks I tell them the bare minimum. Chances are, the bare minimum was more than they wanted to know anyway.

In my world, for some stupid reason, I tend to intimidate people to the point that no one ever asks ME. They ask someone close to me. If they ask my daughter, she tells them to ask me. If they ask Generic Dude, he blabs whatever goes through his little pea brain. Which is why the people that frequent the bar, in the town down the road, that he likes to play cards in on occasion......know more about me than they wanted to know. People either avoid me, look at me out of the corner of their eye with ** insert whatever from whomever**, kiss my ass (figuratively speaking). No one seems to be indifferent. I don't mind being, one of those (the sort everyone whispers about) but you might not feel the same way.

Understand that whoever you tell WILL tell someone else. It's human nature. And that person will tell other people, and so on. It won't take very many tellings for it to get warped far beyond the truth. You will have to be able to accept that. I have no idea, at this point, who knows, or thinks they know, what, about me. I don't care. I understand I am unusual in that matter.

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 9/2/2009 7:39:54 AM >

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RE: How to tell people - 9/2/2009 8:40:59 AM

subtlebutterfly

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I agree with tiger.
I don't find it to be any of their my friends business but hey if they ask then they get to know, but otherwise..nope.

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RE: How to tell people - 9/2/2009 12:27:45 PM

MissDita

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I'm always honest and open, I don't want to hide this big part of Myself. And I don't agree it are intimate sexual details, because it is My lifestyle, it's much more than what I do in My bedroom. All My friends know and My family knows. And yes it spreads around like fire. Some people are curious and ask Me questions, I'm happy to answer them and try to give them a better perspective on this lifestyle. I also work together with the local community to make bdsm more accepted in society and to reach out to people that are still strugling with there feelings. In the beginning I lost some friends that couldn't accept, but they all came around eventually. If I explain to them why I choose this lifestyle they can accept, they don't know it, so they don't judge. The problem is that society has a wrong image about the lifestyle, shown by the media. Of course I'm not going to share kinky details with vanilla-people. I just tell them about the intimate connection, about the strong bound of thrust, about the love that is behind everything W/we do. They can't truly understand, but they get a better perspective and they won't judge it as 'abuse' anymore.

Why am I open about My lifestyle to everyone? Because I just don't want to hide Myself. And because I want to reach out to people that are strugling with their own D/s-desires. You can't imagine how many people come talk to Me about their secret, even close friends that I had known for years. I'm ok with the jokes, I'm ok with the looks in My direction. And I will explain to anyone that want to understand why I choose this lifestyle.

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RE: How to tell people - 9/2/2009 5:49:34 PM

Arkinnian

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I count myself blessed. I'm antisocial, but I have a small handful of people that I would die to protect without a second thought, and the feeling is mutual. If, at 2:00 AM I got a phone call from my friend and he asked me to come to his house with some shovels and plastic bags I'd be there.

I'd be bitching at him about it being 2:00 AM, but I'd show up.

Coming out to my friend about my bisexuality was hard, but I knew that even though he'd give me hell about it, he'd have my back. Also, his wife is bi, so I think that softened the blow a little. I think it was that night that I also told him about my ah...tastes. At first I just told him that I was into 'freaky sex:' being tied up, whipped, scratched, bitten, etc.

He just shrugged it off; it was no big deal to him. He asked why I never told him and I said that I was embarrassed about it. His exact words were: "Don't be."

I swear, it was like a weight being lifted off of my shoulders. I realized then that I don't have to hide who and what I am. Nowadays I'm a hell of a lit more open about myself. I don't care to talk about my interests at work, either, but I work with three friends and we're all used to crass and vulgar conversations.

The point is, if you feel the need to talk to someone, then that feeling isn't going to go away. The longer you carry a rock, the heavier it gets. If it's worth telling your friends, then go for it. If not, well...I dunno.

You could set them aside and let them know that there's something about you that you need to get off of your chest. Be candid, open and honest. Answer any questions they might have (I get asked a lot about how/why I find x fetish appealing).

They might get freaked out, they might not. True friends will see that you're the same person no matter what or how many kinks you have.

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RE: How to tell people - 9/3/2009 9:14:26 AM

Ambyant

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Honestly, people ask Me.
There are bdsm peeps who clean up their act when going out or when others visit.
I can't see doing that, My keys have a hand made miny flogger of about 2 feet - it's SO easy to find and yess, makes a great ice breaker too.
My movie shelves are a mix of everything, Planet Earth to some soft core erotica - alphabeticaly organized, whenever I direct someone that task. If somebody's lookin through MY stuff, they have already been warned as they enter My Home:
"Enter freely and of your own will- do you wish to sign a waiver?"
There are PLENTY of 'cat toys' around, course that doesn't quite explain some of the larger toys, but you might have to look under the couch or move a bookcase to get to those.
Apparently My attitude is very casualy Dominant, not like I boss everone around, just a out of the box 'commening on fet wear and sensation toys for Artistic reasons', yeah, kinda thing and classmates have commented positively on My artwork.
I suppose it's time to get into a more specialized gallery, I openly seek brave new models! and that is a great opener too~

Always the best Diva~Zya

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RE: How to tell people - 9/24/2009 2:46:17 AM

z80sWildPinker

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My friends and family know im a pretty dominant person by nature anyway.. and they even joke about such things, and how my boyfriends or husbands will be very submissive to me.. My friends actually love it about me, and as long as im happy they are happy with me.. and the same goes with me for them.

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RE: How to tell people - 9/24/2009 4:57:19 AM

choccywoc

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Very tempting to tell someone, only if you are very sure of them, of course people like to gossip, you could easily become the main topic.
On the other hand, the more people we tell, the sooner the lifestyle becomes more accepted in society.

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RE: How to tell people - 9/24/2009 5:03:50 AM

Sylverdawn

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I work on a need to know basis... and then when and if they ask the question I respond with.... are you sure you want to know the answer... they generally take some time to think that one over and we move forward on that... I dont think your classmates need to know... if you feel the need to talk about it.. find your kinky group on campus...there is sure to be one... and get invovled.

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