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Birds, Bees, the occasional Hornet, etc. - 8/26/2004 12:13:38 PM   
basiasubrosa


Posts: 130
Joined: 6/23/2004
Status: offline 		It is 3 am here, and i just got back from a 3 hour long walk with my sister an hour ago. My mind is in something of a muddle right now, so prithee forgive poor exposition and all that ramble.....

My sister is 17. She is very sensitive and compassionate, and also one of the strongest and instinctively wisest people i have ever met. We've been through a lot of turbulence together, and as our parents pretty much left us to fend for ourselves 10 years ago, i tend to wax protective, sometimes to the degree of indulgence (but what else are elder sisters for??).

On our walk she mentioned how some of her friends were pressured into unprotected sex, how a teacher at her high school had pursued her for a while and discussed sexual matters with her, the fad-driven peer pressure at her high school, her identity crises, sexual orientation confusions, body image and self-esteem problems and all that. She can be mentally and physically fierce, and she is a whole lot more knowledgeable in the physical and social aspects of sex than i was at her age (which was not much at all....), but all this is fretting me to no end. I responded then the only way i know how-- to listen and love-- but i am at loss at what else i should or need to do. Part of the perplexion no doubt is because back in the days i never really had to deal with these issues very much myself (very naive and ascetic adolescence), so now they seem all the more menacing.

So my questions are (finally): As a parental figure (parent, sibling, relative, teacher, whatnot), what did you discuss with your child/ward/young adult/sack full of migraines, how, and how was it recieved? Or how did you take "the talk" as an adolescent? Are there things you wish someone had told you, or had told you in a different way? And, basically, how do you support a loved one through all the sound and fury of nascent adulthood, and help keep the dangers at bay?

Any advice would be most appreciated.
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RE: Birds, Bees, the occasional Hornet, etc. - 8/26/2004 12:20:58 PM   
knees2you


Posts: 2336
Joined: 3/15/2004
Status: offline 		basiasubrosa
I learned the hard way no dating no sex~~
My Dad was very clear on that~

Sincerely, Anthony

quote:

"It's funny we can still see, Yet we are blind~"





Attachment (1)

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RE: Birds, Bees, the occasional Hornet, etc. - 8/26/2004 12:52:04 PM   
sweetpleaser


Posts: 689
Joined: 8/5/2004
From: Florida
Status: offline 		Thank you for bringing up this important subject. My daughter will be a teenager soon, yikes. My mother had an open door policy with me whereby I knew I could talk to her about anything, I just hope I communicated that to my daughter as well. I haven't been tested yet.

Good Luck!
ann

(in reply to basiasubrosa)
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RE: Birds, Bees, the occasional Hornet, etc. - 8/26/2004 1:23:09 PM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		I brought up this subject a few month's back. There was much debate about when the "proper" time to talk about sex is.
My brother for a lack of better words is a piece of shit parent. Don't know where he got it from. Mom and dad maybe weren't the best in the world but they definately loved us. They bent over backwards for him. Perhaps that is exactly where they made their biggest mistake.

Anyhow. He has 5 kids. Two of which have lived with me off and on the better part of 5 years. Being an aunt, yes I would fight for custody full term although I have been told it will cost me upwards of 70 grand and since I am an aunt I will probably lose in the end. So I take the kids when I can. When they are thrown out.
What I'm getting to here is I started talking to them about sex when they were 5 and 6 years old. I'm not talking anything they would consider gory. The mere fact that boys are different than girls.
As they aged we got into more particulars. At about the 14-15 year age they would talk for hours on end. What is it like? How do I approach a girl for a date...etc..etc. I would rather they got the info from me first hand than their friends at school.
Let's face it when we are kids peer pressure is everything right? How many of us stood up for ourselves? I know I did but none of my friends did. Sounds like your sister did.
Let her come to you and be yourself. The loving parental figure. As she feels more comfortable talking to you she will ask more questions. Just try and not show her you are embarrassed even if you are. Kids know when you are. They then clam up. If you're embarrassed they will be as well. At 17 in this day and age if she hasn't already had sex you've more than done your job as her parent. At 18 she is a full fledged adult in this country so I'd say the sky is the limit on talks. The more educated she is the more educated her decisions will be in the future.

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RE: Birds, Bees, the occasional Hornet, etc. - 8/26/2004 1:24:03 PM   
afmvdp


Posts: 494
Joined: 7/10/2004
Status: offline 		haha...my parents never talked with me and I moved out at 15 with a much older woman and was already rather experienced by that point as well...on the other hand I've met people who were virgins into their mid thirties not by necessity but by choice, they simply had no desire. So it takes all kinds, I think we know when we are ready to delve down that path or not. Some people are just born more sexual than others, it's in our genes and our psyche.

(in reply to sweetpleaser)
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RE: Birds, Bees, the occasional Hornet, etc. - 8/26/2004 1:28:03 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline 		When i was 11 my mother gave me a book about puberty and sex, which i read and thought, "no people don't do that!", but that was back in the 50's, we were very naive. My kids already knew way more when they were preteens than i knew in college. With sex ed in school, sex all over the internet, tv and and videos i really didn't discuss much with them except about aids and stds, and birth control pills. I have 2 girls btw. I did tell them to feel free to ask anything. I taught sex ed in a girls high school so i was pretty aware of what kids knew.

I'm guessing your 17 year old sister knows most of what she needs to know by now, especially since she was discussing her concern over unprotected sex. If the advances by a former teacher are going to haunt her she can still bring charges and maybe closure on that. I think being a good listener is one of the best things you can do, and answer any questions she has. It's nice she can open up to you.

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proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


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RE: Birds, Bees, the occasional Hornet, etc. - 8/26/2004 1:30:38 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline 		Here's another way to explain the birds and bees:



SON: Daddy, how was I born?
>DAD: Ah, very well, my son, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad
>got together in a chat room on MSN. Dad set up a date via e-mail
>with your mom and we met at a cybercafe. We snuck into a secluded room, and
>then your mother downloaded from dad's memory stick. As soon as dad was
>ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a
>firewall. Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later
>the blessed virus appeared.
>And that's the story

< Message edited by proudsub -- 8/26/2004 1:31:37 PM >

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proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


(in reply to basiasubrosa)
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RE: Birds, Bees, the occasional Hornet, etc. - 8/26/2004 1:38:56 PM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Hehe, Sadly I bet a kid someplace really thinks that is the right way to create a baby.

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RE: Birds, Bees, the occasional Hornet, etc. - 8/26/2004 2:05:53 PM   
Thanatosian


Posts: 765
Joined: 5/10/2004
From: New Castle, PA
Status: offline 		not going to be much help, but thought I would relay the entirety of the 'discussion' that took place in my life

I had just gotten home from passing my drivers license test - dad came up and said lets go outside and talk - we went out, and he said " first off, congratulations on passing your driving test. now, dont think I am picking on you because your brother got the same talk when he passed his driving test --------- you keep that thing in your pants where it belongs" and then he went back into the house

that was the entire 'birds and bees' discussion from my parents (btw, this was in 1984)

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RE: Birds, Bees, the occasional Hornet, etc. - 8/26/2004 2:35:37 PM   
dixiedumpling


Posts: 456
Joined: 5/10/2004
From: southeast Mississippi
Status: offline 		Well, I started to reply and canceled my ramblings. Then I read these other posts and decided to put in my 2 cents worth. Your sister sounds like she'll survive high school with sanity intact. Just keep up open communications and give her plenty of information.

I never got "the talk". When I got about the right age for my period to begin, my mother gave me a box of kotex that contained an instruction book. No sex ed in schools then. Just general information about body functions when I was in Jr. Hi. that left me wondering what it had to do with me. I was in college before I had it all straight. Dumb luck that I don't have a child. I wish my mother had felt comfortable talking to me about that. But she wasn't. Not much touchy-feely, lovey stuff in my family.

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Toodles,
dixiedumpling

My mind is no place to play alone. Anna Pigeon as written by Nevada Barr

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RE: Birds, Bees, the occasional Hornet, etc. - 8/26/2004 3:51:17 PM   
Destinysskeins


Posts: 267
Joined: 7/1/2004
Status: offline 		Greetings,

i don't think the real conundrum here has anything to do with the physical aspects of sex. if i were you i would concentrate instead on the emotional and mental aspects which by your post i believe you are. The most important things i would try to drive home are the fact that only she will know when she's ready to have sex - not her friends, not the current fad of her peers and not even you, as her sister. As for the rest of the equation - self-image, identity crisis, orientation - she has the rest of her life to figure this out...let her know that. Pushing her head against the metaphorical brick wall is not going to make it sort out any quicker. Let her know the best way to find these things out is through osmosis - do things that she enjoys, be with people that she enjoys and process the emotions and thoughts that arise from these as best she can. Let her know that while she's doing this you will be there for her to talk to at anytime and that you will help her sort things out whenever she asks.

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Wilted petals fall from a rose like bitters tears wrung from a heart whose dreams have shattered. What hope for the future can be seen by eyes that are darkened with sorrow neverending?

i'm not manic-depressive, i just have an elliptical personality

(in reply to dixiedumpling)
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RE: Birds, Bees, the occasional Hornet, etc. - 8/27/2004 7:20:42 AM   
jillwfsub4blkdom


Posts: 375
Joined: 7/2/2004
Status: offline 		i am sorry if i missed this in your post but is she on the pill? i would definitely do that just in case she does decide to have sex. i would be as open as possible and not judgement. i agree with discussing more of the mental aspects of it because i think that is where the biggest confusion is.

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"It's the moment that transcends
Our physical into a more spiritual level of understanding" - Musiq

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RE: Birds, Bees, the occasional Hornet, etc. - 8/28/2004 8:29:51 AM   
cheeba0228


Posts: 230
Joined: 7/27/2004
From: Detroit
Status: offline 		i think what you did was best of all. just Listen and Love. When she has a question she will ask you. Obviously she is the one who needs counciling on this not you, so I would advise to just listen and she will ask you when she is ready. I remember being young and having my parent morals and mental states push down upon me without even wanting to talk about anything at that time. If anything i think that did more harm than good. She's venting so let her vent. I think the best thing for you to say at this point is just "Do you have any questions that I can answer for you?" or "Please ask if there is anything I can do to help you through this?" Sometimes just being there is enough. My parents never understood that sometimes you need support more than guidance.

_____________________________

LIFE'S JOURNEY IS NOT TO ARRIVE AT THE GRAVE SAFELY IN A WELL PRESERVED
BODY, BUT RATHER TO SKID IN SIDEWAYS, TOTALLY WORN OUT, SHOUTING "HOLY
SHIT......WHAT A RIDE!


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RE: Birds, Bees, the occasional Hornet, etc. - 8/28/2004 2:02:23 PM   
hislilbitch


Posts: 9
Joined: 8/28/2004
Status: offline 		I agree with cheeba.. listen and love.

Be there for her so she knows she has someone to talk to about those things. In just being there for her you are going to make a difference in her life. She will love you more for just being able to listen, and will remember how careing and understanding you were. Not to say if you thnk she may be doing something wrong you shouldn't speak up either. Listen and hear her out and then if you think she may be makeing a mistake kindly advise her of your opinnion. She will respect you for it.



lil

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RE: Birds, Bees, the occasional Hornet, etc. - 8/28/2004 9:58:20 PM   
Sundew02


Posts: 457
Joined: 2/6/2004
Status: offline 		What my mother said to me was useless, but what I said and did for my own children, male and female must of been of some help. Yes, I am the open door parent. I don't care what the subject, all I asked is that they talk to me. And they still do. My children were grossly unhappy with the limitations of the sex ed. class and brought their friends home to me to learn the real "poop". Which I explained in as much detail as they wanted. I did NOT beat that dead horse about unwanted children I showed them. We drove through the "projects" where little uncared for children were sitting in the dirt. I showed them books of STD victims. ANY question they asked was taken seriously. If I didn't have the answer, I said so and found out for them. OR helped them look it up. I made a request that no one propagate before they had their own lives in order. The main thing I did was love them enough to let them know I would always be there. So, I have NO grandkids(thank you very much), not one of my children has contracted an STD. I am a happy camper. Sundew

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~~~~~Enjoy the ride, the landing could get painful~~~~

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RE: Birds, Bees, the occasional Hornet, etc. - 8/30/2004 7:34:27 AM   
basiasubrosa


Posts: 130
Joined: 6/23/2004
Status: offline 		A huge Thank You to everyone for sharing experiences, anecdotes and words of wisdom! I really really appreciate it. I think i panicked there.... in part out of guilt for not even thinking about all this earlier, in part because after a few days i won't be able to spend time with her in person until another year has lapsed..... Ai yai yai....

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