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Sub Drop and emotions - 8/23/2009 2:30:03 PM

learning2sub

Posts: 68
Joined: 8/12/2009
Status: offline

I have been playing with and talking to a Dom I met about a month ago. I am extremely new to this lifestyle and have a lot to learn. He has been wonderful in my training and I am fortunate to have found an experienced Dom who is focused on the sensual side of play (which is what I seek).

The Dom I see spends weeks even months getting to know a potential sub before he introduces play. I am highly unusual. I explained in a previous post we met outside of the lifestyle and because I had never had a gspot orgasm, he played with me showing indeed I could have one. Since then I've wanted to learn more and have been reading as much as possible about D/s.

All of this has been an intense rush and here's where I come to my problem. I feel empty and hollow when we part. Today it even brought me to tears. My Dom tells me it's not uncommon to have strong emotions like this (especially for a beginner). I find myself becoming attached to him and it is not something he seeks. He wants me to remain open minded about what may lie ahead - not to fall for him - as someone else might come along and totally grab my attention. He was up front with me about not being ready for a relationship and I accepted that, however, after we've had play, my emotions are so strong it becomes overwhelming. I'm generally fine with everything else regarding our friendship-D/s training relationship.

I'm wondering if I'm suffering from sub drop. Has anyone else had this problem? Any advice would be appreciated.

Post #: 1

RE: Sub Drop and emotions - 8/23/2009 2:35:06 PM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

yes, you are Virginia, the dirty little secret is the rollercoaster, what goes way up, must come way down..........I would recommend aftercare, but it doesn't seem to fit in the plan, you will just become more attached and you two have agreed not a good thing.

Have a nice warm bath all ready to go, (except the water, of course) a hot chocolate, candles, more chocolate and whatever your favorite relaxing beverage, music and ambiance is.

Then pretend I am grabbing a handful of your hair, embracing you, and whispering calmly in your ear.......don't worry girl, I have hold of you, you aren't going to fly off the face of the earth.........

Yeah, tough fuckin' situation, kiddo.

Ron

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to learning2sub)

Post #: 2

RE: Sub Drop and emotions - 8/23/2009 2:37:21 PM

SadisticStrap

Posts: 2
Joined: 8/11/2009
Status: offline

He must masturbate in the off time quite a bit

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 3

RE: Sub Drop and emotions - 8/23/2009 2:38:43 PM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

Or, he has many other outlets............

R

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to SadisticStrap)

Post #: 4

RE: Sub Drop and emotions - 8/23/2009 2:40:57 PM

daintydimples

Posts: 967
Joined: 7/6/2009
Status: offline

Yes, it's pretty common. It sounds like a variation on sub frenzy (do a search).

It's very natural (I think) to become very attached to your first dominant, even if it is laid out as a training only relationship up front.

_____________________________

Some soften by the forced reflection that comes from loss; others harden. Which are you?

(in reply to learning2sub)

Post #: 5

RE: Sub Drop and emotions - 8/23/2009 2:41:07 PM

lovingpet

Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline

I am not one who can really play casually from the submissive side. Either there is no connection or more of one than is appropriate. I just simply stopped trying to do it anymore. Since you are new, it is possible that you will find it to be similar for you. It can be some amount of subdrop, but if the attachment and feelings for him are extending days and weeks after, then I would suspect it is a bit more than that. Communicating how you are processing things is very important. My partner and I talk over previous visits time and again. It helps him know where my head is and how I work through all the ups and downs before, during, and after being together.

Some questions for you:
Are these feelings more transient or do they linger long after you've been together?
How intense are these feelings after a couple days?
What do you want out of this relationship?
How does what you want now fit with the predesignated boundaries that were placed in the beginning?
How does HE feel about all this?
Is he open to more if that is what you desire?
What alternatives are there if the relationship is no longer functioning the way it was meant to?

lovingpet

(in reply to learning2sub)

Post #: 6

RE: Sub Drop and emotions - 8/23/2009 3:04:35 PM

porcelaine

Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: learning2sub

The Dom I see spends weeks even months getting to know a potential sub before he introduces play. I am highly unusual. I explained in a previous post we met outside of the lifestyle and because I had never had a gspot orgasm, he played with me showing indeed I could have one. Since then I've wanted to learn more and have been reading as much as possible about D/s.

how do you know this? is it something he said or have you spoken with his previous submissives?

quote:

He was up front with me about not being ready for a relationship and I accepted that, however, after we've had play, my emotions are so strong it becomes overwhelming. I'm generally fine with everything else regarding our friendship-D/s training relationship.

I'm wondering if I'm suffering from sub drop. Has anyone else had this problem? Any advice would be appreciated.

i suspect you're developing an attachment to him. unfortunately you've brought play into a relationship that is really nonexistent. have you asked yourself honestly how you'll feel if that fails to materialize? i'm going to guess he isn't experiencing the same emotions and he appears quite content with the way things are. unless you're fine with a one-sided connection, i don't see this faring well for you in the long run.

i noticed you reference this as a training relationship. i'm curious regarding the verbiage he uses. if you've ever been intimate with someone with zero attachment you'd recognize the difference in what you felt then and what you're feeling now. continued participation in this manner is only going to heighten those feelings and bring about eventual disappointment. you understand the risks, your gamble is whether he'll come around or you'll end up thanking him for the memories instead. good luck.

porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to learning2sub)

Post #: 7

RE: Sub Drop and emotions - 8/23/2009 3:07:52 PM

learning2sub

Posts: 68
Joined: 8/12/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SadisticStrap

He must masturbate in the off time quite a bit

Actually he does not. Fifteen years ago, he was a live-in 24/7 sub prior to being a Dom.

(in reply to SadisticStrap)

Post #: 8

RE: Sub Drop and emotions - 8/23/2009 3:13:22 PM

windchymes

Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: learning2sub

quote:

ORIGINAL: SadisticStrap

He must masturbate in the off time quite a bit

Actually he does not. Fifteen years ago, he was a live-in 24/7 sub prior to being a Dom.

I don't see what one of those has to do with the other, but trust me.....he either masturbates or lies about it.

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to learning2sub)

Post #: 9

RE: Sub Drop and emotions - 8/23/2009 3:16:44 PM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

The Dom I see spends weeks even months getting to know a potential sub before he introduces play. I am highly unusual.

Waltz me thru why he has to snap one off? Seems like he ain't laying around much after loading up his nuts.

I'm gonna change my profile right now.

Ron

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to windchymes)

Post #: 10

RE: Sub Drop and emotions - 8/23/2009 3:23:01 PM

learning2sub

Posts: 68
Joined: 8/12/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet

I am not one who can really play casually from the submissive side. Either there is no connection or more of one than is appropriate. I just simply stopped trying to do it anymore. Since you are new, it is possible that you will find it to be similar for you. It can be some amount of subdrop, but if the attachment and feelings for him are extending days and weeks after, then I would suspect it is a bit more than that. Communicating how you are processing things is very important. My partner and I talk over previous visits time and again. It helps him know where my head is and how I work through all the ups and downs before, during, and after being together.

Some questions for you:
Are these feelings more transient or do they linger long after you've been together?
How intense are these feelings after a couple days?
What do you want out of this relationship?
How does what you want now fit with the predesignated boundaries that were placed in the beginning?
How does HE feel about all this?
Is he open to more if that is what you desire?
What alternatives are there if the relationship is no longer functioning the way it was meant to?

lovingpet

We do talk but I've been having problems communicating what it is I am feeling for fear it'll send him running the other direction. He has not given me any indication he would. It's just me.

In regards to your questions:
The feelings linger a day or two at most.
The feelings are not as strong a couple days down the road.
What I would like is to be his one. It's too soon for that, I know, I'd like the chance at it. He's not ruling it out but he's not giving me hope either. He is in a situation (recently laid off and living with friends) where he cannot think about a relationship with anyone until he's back on his feet.
What I want is causing an internal struggle and he sees this. I need to sit back, stop mindfucking myself and just enjoy things for what they are. He does not want me to struggle. He wants this to be a journey of self-discovery (for me) where we enjoy each other. Be happy I have what I do and stop thinking about what could be because there's so much that lies ahead.
If the relationship is not working, then we either stay friends or stop seeing each other altogether.

(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 11

RE: Sub Drop and emotions - 8/23/2009 3:26:50 PM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

We do talk but I've been having problems communicating what it is I am feeling for fear it'll send him running the other direction. He has not given me any indication he would. It's just me.

THIS IS MASSIVE IMPORTANT..........SAY IT, REGARDLESS.

Ron

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to learning2sub)

Post #: 12

RE: Sub Drop and emotions - 8/23/2009 3:30:49 PM

learning2sub

Posts: 68
Joined: 8/12/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: porcelaine

quote:

ORIGINAL: learning2sub

The Dom I see spends weeks even months getting to know a potential sub before he introduces play. I am highly unusual. I explained in a previous post we met outside of the lifestyle and because I had never had a gspot orgasm, he played with me showing indeed I could have one. Since then I've wanted to learn more and have been reading as much as possible about D/s.

how do you know this? is it something he said or have you spoken with his previous submissives?

quote:

He was up front with me about not being ready for a relationship and I accepted that, however, after we've had play, my emotions are so strong it becomes overwhelming. I'm generally fine with everything else regarding our friendship-D/s training relationship.

I'm wondering if I'm suffering from sub drop. Has anyone else had this problem? Any advice would be appreciated.

i suspect you're developing an attachment to him. unfortunately you've brought play into a relationship that is really nonexistent. have you asked yourself honestly how you'll feel if that fails to materialize? i'm going to guess he isn't experiencing the same emotions and he appears quite content with the way things are. unless you're fine with a one-sided connection, i don't see this faring well for you in the long run.

i noticed you reference this as a training relationship. i'm curious regarding the verbiage he uses. if you've ever been intimate with someone with zero attachment you'd recognize the difference in what you felt then and what you're feeling now. continued participation in this manner is only going to heighten those feelings and bring about eventual disappointment. you understand the risks, your gamble is whether he'll come around or you'll end up thanking him for the memories instead. good luck.

porcelaine

I know he is careful with subs because he has been one himself and he understands the mind fuck this can cause. He is very selective. I have not talked to the other two subs he has directly (they live outside of the area we are in) but I know I could if I really wanted to.

His form of play is just that - play. He makes it clear to subs he is not looking for a relationship. He is helping them to explore themselves.

I am in training. It's not a training relationship per se. He has told me he has to feel some connection to be with someone but as far as depth goes, that's another story. He's able to compartmentalize his life as such he can keep the heart out of it. Again, he's been doing this for so long it's purely about physical pleasure.

Well said about possibly being left with nothing but memories. It is something I am considering. Thank you.

(in reply to porcelaine)

Post #: 13

RE: Sub Drop and emotions - 8/23/2009 3:32:51 PM

learning2sub

Posts: 68
Joined: 8/12/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: windchymes

quote:

ORIGINAL: learning2sub

quote:

ORIGINAL: SadisticStrap

He must masturbate in the off time quite a bit

Actually he does not. Fifteen years ago, he was a live-in 24/7 sub prior to being a Dom.

I don't see what one of those has to do with the other, but trust me.....he either masturbates or lies about it.

Oh I wouldn't be surprised if he did however, in the relationship where he was a 24/7 live in, he was in chastity 4 of those years. Yes I do believe him. He has very good control during play.

(in reply to windchymes)

Post #: 14

RE: Sub Drop and emotions - 8/23/2009 3:54:37 PM

porcelaine

Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: learning2sub

I am in training. It's not a training relationship per se. He has told me he has to feel some connection to be with someone but as far as depth goes, that's another story. He's able to compartmentalize his life as such he can keep the heart out of it. Again, he's been doing this for so long it's purely about physical pleasure.

Well said about possibly being left with nothing but memories. It is something I am considering. Thank you.

is he nurturing the other aspects of your submission, or merely the physical side? if not, what are you doing to address these things on your own, assuming that applies?

the compartmentalization isn't as difficult as you might suspect. for some there is a process, but others simply know fairly soon whether they want something temporary or tangible. the answer influences their actions or lack thereof. although this brings a question to mind. if he devotes time to these methods, i'd assume that leaves little for developing his own relationship? or are these training sessions the crux of such and he limits his commitments?

these are the questions that you have to ask yourself and seek out truthful answers. if these situations fulfill his needs but leave others seeking/wanting more, was it beneficial in the long run? while your reactions are genuine, consider how you'd respond if you were in a mutually engaging relationship. assuming this is what you want. knowing where you stand and where you hope to go will allow you to make informed decisions.

you're most welcome. i hope my comments have been of some assistance.

porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to learning2sub)

Post #: 15

RE: Sub Drop and emotions - 8/23/2009 4:38:52 PM

PlayfulWhenUsed

Posts: 38
Joined: 8/12/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: learning2sub

I have been playing with and talking to a Dom I met about a month ago...

He was up front with me about not being ready for a relationship and I accepted that, however...

Has anyone else had this problem? Any advice would be appreciated.

Of course lots of people have had this problem and you aren't alone and people can help! And I am not an expert but I can basically promise these things will help:

1. Have a sandwich with, like, roast beef or turkey or something, and a glass of milk or water. Also a multi-vitamin.
2. Spend time with hobbies and friends and go out and see a nice movie or a show or something.
3. Exercise. Maybe in front of the DVD player!

I do not mean to sound like a butt, but if your personal life other than this guy is sort of shaky it will always make his departure WAY harder than it has to be. And I do not gamble! but I would almost bet you have a girlfriend who is nice and who you haven't seen for a while and who would totally love to go out and have a drink or something. I'm just saying.

(in reply to learning2sub)

Post #: 16

RE: Sub Drop and emotions - 8/23/2009 4:50:06 PM

learning2sub

Posts: 68
Joined: 8/12/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: porcelaine

is he nurturing the other aspects of your submission, or merely the physical side? if not, what are you doing to address these things on your own, assuming that applies?

the compartmentalization isn't as difficult as you might suspect. for some there is a process, but others simply know fairly soon whether they want something temporary or tangible. the answer influences their actions or lack thereof. although this brings a question to mind. if he devotes time to these methods, i'd assume that leaves little for developing his own relationship? or are these training sessions the crux of such and he limits his commitments?

these are the questions that you have to ask yourself and seek out truthful answers. if these situations fulfill his needs but leave others seeking/wanting more, was it beneficial in the long run? while your reactions are genuine, consider how you'd respond if you were in a mutually engaging relationship. assuming this is what you want. knowing where you stand and where you hope to go will allow you to make informed decisions.

you're most welcome. i hope my comments have been of some assistance.

porcelaine

His relationships with past subs has been one where he gets to know them via chat, eventually they meet then if all goes well, play begins sometime down the road. He does not hang out with subs. The relationship is kept to play sessions or communication involving them. I am different. He actually does hang out with me. He's told me this is very unusual and he's never done this before. I enjoy talking to him. We have a great friendship in addition to play. Perhaps this is why I'm feeling so attached... He is nurturing about the aspects of submission especially considering I'm so new to this. We spend a great deal of time talking.

Can you explain what you mean about developing his own relationship?

We are still very new to each other. He has expressed to me that if we were in a vanilla relationship and this were dating, wanting more so fast wouldn't be exactly normal either. He's right. We need to take time to get to know each other more. I think because he has focused solely on my pleasure (no man ever has before) and the newness of this has caused me to be in some sort of sub frenzy. I know deep down I shouldn't bee indulging in such deep emotions 1 month into a relationship.

(in reply to porcelaine)

Post #: 17

RE: Sub Drop and emotions - 8/23/2009 4:59:46 PM

learning2sub

Posts: 68
Joined: 8/12/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: PlayfulWhenUsed

quote:

ORIGINAL: learning2sub

I have been playing with and talking to a Dom I met about a month ago...

He was up front with me about not being ready for a relationship and I accepted that, however...

Has anyone else had this problem? Any advice would be appreciated.

Of course lots of people have had this problem and you aren't alone and people can help! And I am not an expert but I can basically promise these things will help:

1. Have a sandwich with, like, roast beef or turkey or something, and a glass of milk or water. Also a multi-vitamin.
2. Spend time with hobbies and friends and go out and see a nice movie or a show or something.
3. Exercise. Maybe in front of the DVD player!

I do not mean to sound like a butt, but if your personal life other than this guy is sort of shaky it will always make his departure WAY harder than it has to be. And I do not gamble! but I would almost bet you have a girlfriend who is nice and who you haven't seen for a while and who would totally love to go out and have a drink or something. I'm just saying.

Thank you - that does indeed help. :)

(in reply to PlayfulWhenUsed)

Post #: 18

RE: Sub Drop and emotions - 8/23/2009 5:12:37 PM

slavegirlbc

Posts: 22
Joined: 6/23/2009
Status: offline

he sounds like a very interesting man, and he is giving you a lot of pleasure and fun. it sounds like you are developing very strong feelings for him.

you situation is just the same as in vanilla. you are with a man who is going to take longer to develop the love feelings and attachment than you have. doesn't mean he won't, the details sound promising that they very well may.

the fact you are new to this is making it more confusing for you. i think you would have more of a handle on things if this was vanilla.

i think he is being responsible and mature by saying he can't really do anything until his personal life is sorted out, if he is staying with friends.

i think you just need to develop more in the other areas of your life to give youself some pleasure and satisfaction elsewhere, try to cool off a little and distract yourself from the intensity after you part, and just see where it goes.

(in reply to learning2sub)

Post #: 19

RE: Sub Drop and emotions - 8/23/2009 5:20:20 PM

learning2sub

Posts: 68
Joined: 8/12/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavegirlbc

he sounds like a very interesting man, and he is giving you a lot of pleasure and fun. it sounds like you are developing very strong feelings for him.

you situation is just the same as in vanilla. you are with a man who is going to take longer to develop the love feelings and attachment than you have. doesn't mean he won't, the details sound promising that they very well may.

the fact you are new to this is making it more confusing for you. i think you would have more of a handle on things if this was vanilla.

i think he is being responsible and mature by saying he can't really do anything until his personal life is sorted out, if he is staying with friends.

i think you just need to develop more in the other areas of your life to give youself some pleasure and satisfaction elsewhere, try to cool off a little and distract yourself from the intensity after you part, and just see where it goes.

Yes he really is an amazing man which is why it's so hard to keep the feelings back. It will play out as it will, regardless, I just need to be patient and enjoy this for what it is.

chuckling... I actually had this discussion with him earlier (about developing other activities). He said I need to get out with friends too. Thank you for sharing this.

(in reply to slavegirlbc)

Post #: 20

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