RE: Sub Drop and emotions

RE: Sub Drop and emotions (Full Version)

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MaamJay -> RE: Sub Drop and emotions (8/23/2009 5:43:25 PM)
learning2sub ... I agree with the others that you need to maintain an active outside life too as a counter-balance to this intense journey of self-discovery. I think it's entirely understandable to develop attachment to a first Dom, think of it more as a crush on your teacher, for that's the role He is in for now. He's being a responsible teacher and saying He's not looking to take it further. Do try to be a responsible student too, you've said yourself you know it's too early to have deep feelings. Realise them as infatuation ... doesn't make them BAD to have, not at all, just helps you keep them in perspective. Also think of it is this way ... if you can see that moving into submission is a journey, how likely is it that the first Dom you have when you are just taking baby steps is going to also be the Dom you need at the far end? Not saying He can't be, I'm sure there are others here for whom this has worked out ... but it's very possible that the more you learn about yourself, your wants and needs may change and the "fit" between you and He may not be there. I try never to say never in this journey. For eg, as a Domme, I don't have any desire at the moment to brand someone, not even after LadyPact's wonderful thread on this. However, I don't deny that there could be a time and a place and a sub/slave with whom I might desire to do this, possibly to fulfill a deep desire of theirs. He's focused on the sensual side of play ... which is what you seek AT THE MOMENT. Who knows, there could be a masochist inside of you waiting to be wakened! And maybe that wouldn't float His boat. I've seen a sub who was adamantly NO about needles suddenly deciding one night to try it and then being a total convert to the point that she was nicknamed "pincushion" for a while. Now She's a Domme married to Her boy and loves sticking needles into him! (Do you think I should worry about their bub and the nappy pins [:D]?). So do just try to enjoy the journey, I hope that if this doesn't develop into "the One" that you will be able to part on wonderful terms as I have done with past subs, and be truly thankful for the memories. Good luck! Maam Jay aka violet[A] Btw ... if you're not getting into intense play I'm not sure you would be going into subspace and therefore experiencing sub drop. I think it's more of a sub frenzy/sub fever type of attachment/detachment thing.

DesFIP -> RE: Sub Drop and emotions (8/23/2009 5:45:35 PM)
Not everyone can handle, or wants to, a fuck/play buddy with zero emotional attachment. If this is your preferred style prior to d/s then you should be okay with it. If you always prefer to have an emotional bond and commitment, then your needs will not change just because he wears a name tag saying dominant and yours says submissive. Sounds like you aren't sufficiently compatible. But don't worry, just like in the vanilla world there are plenty of other fish in the sea.

learning2sub -> RE: Sub Drop and emotions (8/23/2009 6:09:34 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MaamJay learning2sub ... I agree with the others that you need to maintain an active outside life too as a counter-balance to this intense journey of self-discovery. I think it's entirely understandable to develop attachment to a first Dom, think of it more as a crush on your teacher, for that's the role He is in for now. He's being a responsible teacher and saying He's not looking to take it further. Do try to be a responsible student too, you've said yourself you know it's too early to have deep feelings. Realise them as infatuation ... doesn't make them BAD to have, not at all, just helps you keep them in perspective. Also think of it is this way ... if you can see that moving into submission is a journey, how likely is it that the first Dom you have when you are just taking baby steps is going to also be the Dom you need at the far end? Not saying He can't be, I'm sure there are others here for whom this has worked out ... but it's very possible that the more you learn about yourself, your wants and needs may change and the "fit" between you and He may not be there. I try never to say never in this journey. For eg, as a Domme, I don't have any desire at the moment to brand someone, not even after LadyPact's wonderful thread on this. However, I don't deny that there could be a time and a place and a sub/slave with whom I might desire to do this, possibly to fulfill a deep desire of theirs. He's focused on the sensual side of play ... which is what you seek AT THE MOMENT. Who knows, there could be a masochist inside of you waiting to be wakened! And maybe that wouldn't float His boat. I've seen a sub who was adamantly NO about needles suddenly deciding one night to try it and then being a total convert to the point that she was nicknamed "pincushion" for a while. Now She's a Domme married to Her boy and loves sticking needles into him! (Do you think I should worry about their bub and the nappy pins [:D]?). So do just try to enjoy the journey, I hope that if this doesn't develop into "the One" that you will be able to part on wonderful terms as I have done with past subs, and be truly thankful for the memories. Good luck! Maam Jay aka violet[A] Btw ... if you're not getting into intense play I'm not sure you would be going into subspace and therefore experiencing sub drop. I think it's more of a sub frenzy/sub fever type of attachment/detachment thing. Your words mean a great deal. Thank You for sharing them. :)

lovingpet -> RE: Sub Drop and emotions (8/23/2009 6:22:45 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: learning2sub quote: ORIGINAL: lovingpet I am not one who can really play casually from the submissive side. Either there is no connection or more of one than is appropriate. I just simply stopped trying to do it anymore. Since you are new, it is possible that you will find it to be similar for you. It can be some amount of subdrop, but if the attachment and feelings for him are extending days and weeks after, then I would suspect it is a bit more than that. Communicating how you are processing things is very important. My partner and I talk over previous visits time and again. It helps him know where my head is and how I work through all the ups and downs before, during, and after being together. Some questions for you: Are these feelings more transient or do they linger long after you've been together? How intense are these feelings after a couple days? What do you want out of this relationship? How does what you want now fit with the predesignated boundaries that were placed in the beginning? How does HE feel about all this? Is he open to more if that is what you desire? What alternatives are there if the relationship is no longer functioning the way it was meant to? lovingpet We do talk but I've been having problems communicating what it is I am feeling for fear it'll send him running the other direction. He has not given me any indication he would. It's just me. In regards to your questions: The feelings linger a day or two at most. The feelings are not as strong a couple days down the road. What I would like is to be his one. It's too soon for that, I know, I'd like the chance at it. He's not ruling it out but he's not giving me hope either. He is in a situation (recently laid off and living with friends) where he cannot think about a relationship with anyone until he's back on his feet. What I want is causing an internal struggle and he sees this. I need to sit back, stop mindfucking myself and just enjoy things for what they are. He does not want me to struggle. He wants this to be a journey of self-discovery (for me) where we enjoy each other. Be happy I have what I do and stop thinking about what could be because there's so much that lies ahead. If the relationship is not working, then we either stay friends or stop seeing each other altogether. Most of it sounds like simple subdrop, but the line I bolded sounds like a bit more. I would really stress that you need to communicate with him on this. Your feelings seem to be changing and, even if he cannot accommodate that now, he needs to have access to how you are feeling so he can best managed it. He may require you to move on, but if he has a lot of experience and is good with you, he will likely understand and find a way to help you process things through. Please just talk to him. lovingpet

learning2sub -> RE: Sub Drop and emotions (8/23/2009 8:29:04 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lovingpet What I would like is to be his one. It's too soon for that, I know, I'd like the chance at it. He's not ruling it out but he's not giving me hope either. He is in a situation (recently laid off and living with friends) where he cannot think about a relationship with anyone until he's back on his feet. Most of it sounds like simple subdrop, but the line I bolded sounds like a bit more. I would really stress that you need to communicate with him on this. Your feelings seem to be changing and, even if he cannot accommodate that now, he needs to have access to how you are feeling so he can best managed it. He may require you to move on, but if he has a lot of experience and is good with you, he will likely understand and find a way to help you process things through. Please just talk to him. lovingpet I have communicated to him about this and he is helping me to process it. I am grateful for that.

lovingpet -> RE: Sub Drop and emotions (8/23/2009 8:30:34 PM)
That is wonderful sweetie! I wish you both all the best! lovingpet

playme2 -> RE: Sub Drop and emotions (8/24/2009 9:37:05 PM)
wow! i am new and have been experiencing the same thing. the DOM i am with seems to be understanding. He is moving in a few months and my real fear is that He will want to break before He goes. i hate "needing" Him. at times i can hardly breath. i can handle the move, just not rejection. i want Him to want me even as He moves away sub- drop. i never knew it had a name. i am glad i came to this forum.

RealSub58 -> RE: Sub Drop and emotions (8/26/2009 9:05:03 AM)
OP you are making far too many excuses for this man's ability to equate you with the highly unusual and super select among women. And of course taking his dishonesty as gospel truth. Too many red flags in your I'm so special drama. OP said "I find myself becoming attached to him and it is not something he seeks. He wants me to remain open minded about what may lie ahead - not to fall for him - as someone else might come along and totally grab my attention. He was up front with me about not being ready for a relationship and I accepted that, however, after we've had play, my emotions are so strong it becomes overwhelming." Don't come back and tell us he lied to you or sob about something when you learn he is playing with others and wasn't into you except to find that gspot and get his own rocks off.

daintydimples -> RE: Sub Drop and emotions (8/26/2009 9:10:52 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RealSub58 OP you are making far too many excuses for this man's ability to equate you with the highly unusual and super select among women. And of course taking his dishonesty as gospel truth. Too many red flags in your I'm so special drama. OP said "I find myself becoming attached to him and it is not something he seeks. He wants me to remain open minded about what may lie ahead - not to fall for him - as someone else might come along and totally grab my attention. He was up front with me about not being ready for a relationship and I accepted that, however, after we've had play, my emotions are so strong it becomes overwhelming." Don't come back and tell us he lied to you or sob about something when you learn he is playing with others and wasn't into you except to find that gspot and get his own rocks off. Although I think the above was a bit harsh, I have to say, it's been my experience that when a man says he doesn't want a relationship right now, he actually means....he doesn't want a relationship right now. And very often he means, I don't want one with YOU. Just saying . . .

MasterSlaveLA -> RE: Sub Drop and emotions (8/26/2009 5:13:21 PM)
I don't personally buy into the whole "sub drop" thing. For me, I feel it equates to little more than BDSM-esque lingo for simply missing someone you wish to be with.

learning2sub -> RE: Sub Drop and emotions (8/26/2009 7:09:50 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RealSub58 OP you are making far too many excuses for this man's ability to equate you with the highly unusual and super select among women. And of course taking his dishonesty as gospel truth. Too many red flags in your I'm so special drama. OP said "I find myself becoming attached to him and it is not something he seeks. He wants me to remain open minded about what may lie ahead - not to fall for him - as someone else might come along and totally grab my attention. He was up front with me about not being ready for a relationship and I accepted that, however, after we've had play, my emotions are so strong it becomes overwhelming." Don't come back and tell us he lied to you or sob about something when you learn he is playing with others and wasn't into you except to find that gspot and get his own rocks off. I know he is with two others. I don't have a problem with it. There is much more here than I can express adequately. I am not a trusting person but he has earned my trust. I am still cautious. I am not stupid. People do not come with guarantees. For you to flat out assume he's being dishonest is rather harsh.

learning2sub -> RE: Sub Drop and emotions (8/26/2009 7:12:45 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: daintydimples quote: ORIGINAL: RealSub58 Don't come back and tell us he lied to you or sob about something when you learn he is playing with others and wasn't into you except to find that gspot and get his own rocks off. Although I think the above was a bit harsh, I have to say, it's been my experience that when a man says he doesn't want a relationship right now, he actually means....he doesn't want a relationship right now. And very often he means, I don't want one with YOU. Just saying . . . I appreciate that but again, there is more here than I have explained. It's hard to bounce back into a relationship when you're only 6 months out of a messy divorce, laid off and living with friends. I admire him for wanting to establish himself before moving into something neither of us could be ready for. In the meantime, there's nothing saying I have to wait around.

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