RE: trust...

RE: trust... (Full Version)

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porcelaine -> RE: trust... (8/26/2009 11:02:54 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SweetNika I openly admit that I have trust issues and don't open up to many people. Recently I meet someone and we have been spending alot of time talking online and on the phone. We have made arrangements to meet 2xs and both times he has been called into work. I am trying really hard not to run, to assume the worst. I know what he does for a living (he is a fireman) and sometimes work calls. Its hard though. I have told him about my concerns and fears and he wants me to be honest with him and vice versa. He is asking for a black out date from work but still I find myself nervous and feeling insecure. I'm afraid of opening up to much to him until we meet face to face but I dont want to push him away either. I feel like I am caught in a catch 22 at the moment. Any suggestions or advice? it seems like you have a few things going on here. the obvious is an inability to trust in the manner you wish, you came in with that so this is no surprise. there's a different kind of questioning trust, the kind you have when you're not sure of an outcome, if the person is genuine, etc. you're still getting acquainted and that is normal. the cancellations merely hit the trigger of the issue you entered with and amplified the other. the fight or flight is the result. if you step away the feelings of uneasiness will be relieved. but then you'd have another problem and that is the gnawing question of whether you jumped the gun too soon. i think you need to find a healthy way to deal with these things without spazzing out for lack of a better word. rather than vent to him about it because you clearly chose to get involved and were aware of his career, try writing very much like you have here. but don't restrain yourself. allow all of the possible scenarios you've crafted in your head to spill out on a piece of paper. once it has start replacing those fears with something positive. you might find affirmations are a good start. in essence you're really reprogramming yourself. the belief that you're unable to trust is a tape playing in your head. you merely need to counter those voices with more reassuring ones instead. if you'd like you can contact me by cmail and i'll share some techniques i learned at a slave's retreat. best of luck. porcelaine

desaatile -> RE: trust... (8/30/2009 11:32:56 AM)
(taken from one of my post from IC...) Trust is very much a spiritual concept, logically it can only be measured by each individual, who can only measure the trust they have for them selves (If you feel that you can trust someone is it because you trust your interpretation of them or your experience?) On a very spiritual level we can 'feel' how much trust one has for their self in relation to different people. People can play past their limits without having a high level of trust, we've all done it (with or without taking notice), we worry about ourselves physically and mentally during hard play, so we loose a part of trusting ourselves and part of the spiritual connection towards our play partner. This is something like many things we do that will set us emotionally of balance.

ranja -> RE: trust... (9/4/2009 8:38:00 AM)
Long ago i had a date planned with a guy and i had to replan that date three times due to work... i was poor, i needed the money, my boss wanted me to work and i was not in a position to put pleasure first... the third time i phoned the guy he started shouting down the phone at me about how rude i was and that i could just tell him that i was not interested and then hung up on me... first i was shocked but then i was amused and really quite glad he had 'cos otherwise i would have made plan number four and obviously that would have been a waste of time really... patience is a virtue

SweetNika -> RE: trust... (9/4/2009 9:39:02 AM)
Thank you again everyone for your imput. We still have not managed to meet and honestly I dont know if we will at this point.

lovingpet -> RE: trust... (9/4/2009 9:50:24 AM)
I haven't read a single thing in this thread except a bit of the OP and the "he's a fireman". I have a lot of family who worked in emergency services for a lot of years and still do. When some of them were dating, they had their partner stay at a hotel close by the firehall. No, they weren't planning to have sex necessarily, but so that when the times were right, they could get together and have a nice time without being on such a strict schedule. A person who is going to live as the partner of a emergency services worker has to learn very early on to be flexible and do things a little differently. Right near the hotel was always restaraunts, sometimes entertainment, and of course he/she could always pop over to the firehall and visit too. It worked really, really well. If it is possible to just take a weekend and do that, it might be the best thing. My family members always paid all expenses since it wasn't their partner's fault they had the job they did when they met. LOL I hope you get to meet soon and that it's fabulous! I wouldn't worry too much and just choose a bit of trust and patience over suspicion and instant decisions. I would have never met my partner if I hadn't hung in there for a little bit longer than was comfortable. I am glad I took a bit of risk! [:)] lovingpet

petmonkey -> RE: trust... (9/4/2009 10:32:36 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: subalone1 Would it be possible for you to take some of your expectations of this guy off the table and just have a more casual meeting for a first time? If you have been going slow on the play stuff and instead exploring shared preferences, aspirations, regular stuff, then, to me, a quick "hey, I am gonna be going to the farmer's market, walking the dog, buying groceries, whatever regular stuff you do, do you want to meet me there?" could be a way to get that first face to face moment taken care of. He is a person. You are a person. It doesn't have to be dramatic to meet a new man. That's just me, perhaps, but I would rather get to know someone in a way that is authentic to the life we both really lead, and not manufacture a "date". It maintains your autonomy, and you have a shared experience, or not, while taking care of your own self enough to not have been overly emotionally vulnerable. This is the answer.

shadowowl -> RE: trust... (9/4/2009 11:20:08 AM)
Never let someone be your priority, while you remain their option. ^_^

SweetNika -> RE: trust... (9/4/2009 12:10:13 PM)
shadowowl, I love that quote my therapist told me that about 2 yrs ago and I now live by it.

stella41b -> RE: trust... (9/4/2009 9:26:26 PM)
Don't let the sun catch you crying The night's the time for all your tears Your heart may be broken tonight But tomorrow in the morning Don't let the sun catch you crying. Gerry and the Pacemakers 'Don't let the sun catch you crying.' This sums up my whole philosophy towards relationships. I operate behind a mask, I'm two-faced, feline, and I openly admit it. I've been rejected too many times, said goodbye too many times, been fooled and misled so many times, so that I cannot be any other way. I'm transgendered, and while most other people spent their teens and twenties opening up and getting to know people I spent my time closing myself off, putting up barriers, suspecting people's motives, and learning how to mislead, deceive and fool people. Hardly anybody knows me or what lies really deep down in the core of me. The intimacy that other people take for granted has for me amounted to no more than a few, very few fleeting moments. This is why you can say what you like and I will accept it. I will take almost anyone at face value, I rarely call bullshit on anyone, words and intentions don't really have much value to me, they're just that, words and intentions. I'm an intuitive empath, I can read people, facial expressions, body language, emotional signals, I have clear grey eyes, I will rarely look you directly in the eye, but when I do I can often look right into your soul. But actions - these are different. When I'm considering trust and getting to know someone new I look at their actions. Two of the most important factors which shape your life is what you know and what you do. I can believe in you, I can have faith in you, blind faith, and you will think or assume that I'm trusting you. Not necessarily. My trust comes from knowledge, knowledge of you and knowing your actions, seeing a pattern, and understanding your reasons and motivations. But I'm also human fallible, I make mistakes, I misinterpret things, I get the signals mixed up, being an intuitive empath is just as much a curse as it is a blessing. And I do this to protect myself, and I have no qualms about cutting ties and moving on. I do this also to protect my unshakeable faith in human nature, to be able to give the next person a chance. I know that the odds are stacked against me, but I also know that I only need one person, and I'm quite happy with that.

Missokyst -> RE: trust... (9/5/2009 8:41:20 AM)
I agree with this, having dated a fireman when I was younger. Those guys are tied to their work, particularly now in fire season. I could count on not seeing much of Dennis during the heat of the season, for more than a few times for dinner. And sex? We grabbed it when we could, but mostly he was resting when he wasn't out fighting fires. The rest of the year was ok, but not enough to sustain us as a couple. He stayed a very great friend until he was lost in a fire. They are great people, amazing, dedicated, but you have to really want to be with them to handle that lifestyle. quote: ORIGINAL: lovingpet A person who is going to live as the partner of a emergency services worker has to learn very early on to be flexible and do things a little differently.

FireandIceCpl -> RE: trust... (9/6/2009 8:22:44 PM)
I feel that your sitaution is a tough one. I also think that you need to understand his job and being called in randomly will happen. The idea of a blackout day just for you is a good idea and you need to go for it. To me it is like going into a pool. Do you tip toe in or do you just jump right in? Being aggessive is good in life and taking chances is even better, but doing them in a smart way will keep you out of the fire. As another saying I often hear, it is not how hard you work but how smart you work. Do not dwell on the descion. The more you do the more baffled you will become. Make up your mind and go for it. There will be consequenes with either descion. You need to pick which one you can live with more. FireandIcecpl

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