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trust... - 8/23/2009 5:03:19 PM   
SweetNika


Posts: 955
Joined: 4/19/2008
From: Forest Hills, Maryland
Status: offline 		I openly admit that I have trust issues and don't open up to many people. Recently I meet someone and we have been spending alot of time talking online and on the phone. We have made arrangements to meet 2xs and both times he has been called into work. I am trying really hard not to run, to assume the worst. I know what he does for a living (he is a fireman) and sometimes work calls. Its hard though. I have told him about my concerns and fears and he wants me to be honest with him and vice versa. He is asking for a black out date from work but still I find myself nervous and feeling insecure. I'm afraid of opening up to much to him until we meet face to face but I dont want to push him away either. I feel like I am caught in a catch 22 at the moment.

Any suggestions or advice?

< Message edited by SweetNika -- 8/23/2009 5:06:10 PM >

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Blessed be,
Nika

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RE: trust... - 8/23/2009 5:28:07 PM   
PlayfulWhenUsed


Posts: 38
Joined: 8/12/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetNika

I openly admit that I have trust issues...
We have made arrangements to meet 2xs and both times he has been called into work...
I find myself nervous and feeling insecure.

Any suggestions or advice?


I think people are like used cars.  If you find yourself feeling a bad kind of nervous then trust that feeling! 
Also there is totally nothing wrong with saying "Ok I am going to just chill and you let me know when you have a blackout day so we can have coffee and until them I am going to hang out with my sweetass Pooh bear tattoo and crazy ferret."

(in reply to SweetNika)
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RE: trust... - 8/23/2009 5:32:28 PM   
SweetNika


Posts: 955
Joined: 4/19/2008
From: Forest Hills, Maryland
Status: offline 		For the record Sweety (my ferret) is not crazy. lol
I thought about doing that... backing off until he had a black out day but i dont want to push him away and the reality is if we get involved I have to get used to his job.

_____________________________

Blessed be,
Nika


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RE: trust... - 8/23/2009 5:32:56 PM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline 		How long have you been talking?

My advice: Get a life.

Busy yourself with other things, and be sure to tell him that if you do meet, (for the first time) you can only meet him for coffee, in a public place. And that you can't spare much time, for even that. If he's such a busy person himself, he'll understand.

If he breaks the next date, dump him. Make the date for morning, so that if he has to go to a fire, or whatever, it can be moved to later that same day/evening. If he can't get it together to be a dependable date, he'll be a sucky dom anyway.

Seriously: turn your attention to other matters, and turn your bullshit/jerk detection meter on.

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RE: trust... - 8/23/2009 5:40:58 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		Yup, I have a suggestion. Love (or whatever it is that you are searching for), is not a game for the timid. The phrase, "Go large or go home." fits my understanding pretty well. Yes, when you are in a relationship you are vulnerable to hurt.... really, deep intense hurt. The kind of pain that nobody else in the world could give you. And here's what is even worse. If the relationship works out really well and you live happily unto death do you part, then it is an absolute guarantee that that person WILL hurt you... probably multiple times... probably deep.

That is the reality of opening yourself up to someone else. It is the admission price to play the game. If you don't want to play, that's fine. But a life of solitude has it's own downsides.

In short, buck up and get some courage or else resign yourself to life long loneliness. Those are the choices as I see 'em.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

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RE: trust... - 8/23/2009 5:42:08 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Tell him exactly what you told us. It's reasonable even if you don't have issues to not to want to proceed until you meet in person and see if there's sufficient chemistry and compatibility.

In the meantime, cool the sex talk and just talk about your lives.

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RE: trust... - 8/23/2009 5:43:28 PM   
PlayfulWhenUsed


Posts: 38
Joined: 8/12/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetNika

For the record Sweety (my ferret) is not crazy. lol
I thought about doing that... backing off until he had a black out day but i dont want to push him away and the reality is if we get involved I have to get used to his job.


I saw the picture!  of the crazy attack ferret ON A CHAIN!  I am sure it eats people.

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RE: trust... - 8/23/2009 5:44:20 PM   
SweetNika


Posts: 955
Joined: 4/19/2008
From: Forest Hills, Maryland
Status: offline 		Thanks Jeff for that blunt, stern but very true advice.

_____________________________

Blessed be,
Nika


(in reply to leadership527)
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RE: trust... - 8/23/2009 5:46:05 PM   
SweetNika


Posts: 955
Joined: 4/19/2008
From: Forest Hills, Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Tell him exactly what you told us. It's reasonable even if you don't have issues to not to want to proceed until you meet in person and see if there's sufficient chemistry and compatibility.

In the meantime, cool the sex talk and just talk about your lives.

There is no "sex talk" outside of the occisional playful flirtatious comment we mostly talk about life, our lives, our hopes, dreams, desires, ect. Perhaps thats why i'm so damn nervous. lol

_____________________________

Blessed be,
Nika


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RE: trust... - 8/23/2009 5:49:21 PM   
cpK69


Posts: 1593
Joined: 5/9/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetNika

Any suggestions or advice?


Stop contemplating on what you don’t know and focus on what you do.
 
I’ve found when trust was an issue for me; I was, in effect, concerned about some inability to protect myself.
 
Sort makes it look like fear blamed on someone else, from here.
 
Kim


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RE: trust... - 8/23/2009 5:54:51 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		I didn't mean to be harsh Sweet. It's just one of those situations where the reality of the situation is harsh... although honestly, from where I'm sitting at the 15 year mark with some of those aforementioned hurts under my belt, the word "harsh" doesn't seem to fairly describe the wonderful fairy tale that is my life.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to SweetNika)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: trust... - 8/23/2009 5:58:12 PM   
SweetNika


Posts: 955
Joined: 4/19/2008
From: Forest Hills, Maryland
Status: offline 		Jeff,
Sometimes we need that reminder that life isn't always pretty and that we have choices.

_____________________________

Blessed be,
Nika


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RE: trust... - 8/23/2009 6:50:51 PM   
Eivarden


Posts: 101
Joined: 4/15/2009
Status: offline 		Yeah it's hard to trust someone you haven't met, but then again, it "shouldn't" matter if you met them in person or not, a person could still betray you regardless of having met them in person or not. :P

But yeah, being honest, and explain how you feel is what I would do. (Not that many Dommes I've met like that ^^;)


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RE: trust... - 8/23/2009 6:59:43 PM   
daintydimples


Posts: 967
Joined: 7/6/2009
Status: offline 		Trust take time to build and can be destroyed in seconds.

He's a fireman whose schedule will always be flakey, and you have trust issues. Of course you have to talk about what you're feeling and make concrete arrangements to work past it. To do anything else is to sabotage it before it even gets a chance to happen.

As always, JMO.


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RE: trust... - 8/23/2009 7:07:33 PM   
SweetNika


Posts: 955
Joined: 4/19/2008
From: Forest Hills, Maryland
Status: offline 		That is why I am trying to be understanding b/c his job is his job I knew his career choice before we started talking but since we haven't meet I fight the urge to think the worse. He's promised to call if he gets called in and when he get back.

< Message edited by SweetNika -- 8/23/2009 7:19:34 PM >

_____________________________

Blessed be,
Nika


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RE: trust... - 8/23/2009 7:21:53 PM   
daintydimples


Posts: 967
Joined: 7/6/2009
Status: offline 		And I understand how meeting with help. You just know so much more you can't learn online or over the phone. But has been pointed out, his job is his job and him not always being able to do what he says will be a reoccurring issue.

On his side he has to be and do what he says he is, but your side is to trust that.


_____________________________

Some soften by the forced reflection that comes from loss; others harden. Which are you?




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RE: trust... - 8/23/2009 7:44:55 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetNika
That is why I am trying to be understanding b/c his job is his job I knew his career choice before we started talking but since we haven't meet I fight the urge to think the worse. He's promised to call if he gets called in and when he get back.

Honestly, I read a zillion posts here a day that send up red flags in my head... but yours isn't one of them. It all is so plausible This is fire season. Things happen. He's been supportive and communicative. He's offered up a proposal to ensure the next meeting doesn't fall through. I could be totally wrong of course, but my spidey sense is not tingling on this one.


_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to SweetNika)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: trust... - 8/23/2009 7:51:37 PM   
SweetNika


Posts: 955
Joined: 4/19/2008
From: Forest Hills, Maryland
Status: offline 		Jeff,
My spidey senses dont go up either. I think its just old trust issues coming to bite me and the one thing I hace noticed is he is trying to be understanding of my trust issues.

< Message edited by SweetNika -- 8/23/2009 7:52:58 PM >

_____________________________

Blessed be,
Nika


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Profile   Post #: 18
RE: trust... - 8/25/2009 11:18:34 PM   
mixielicous


Posts: 1283
Joined: 4/6/2006
From: Boston area, Massachusetts
Status: offline 		fast reply after read and off topic,

I have trust tattooed on my inner wrist for me to read in an attempt of cognitive reconditioning. It kind of works. GL on your quest, I agree keeping busy and distracted helps. Try not to think the worst (I know its next to impossible).


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RE: trust... - 8/26/2009 9:44:17 AM   
subalone1


Posts: 4
Joined: 8/17/2009
Status: offline 		Would it be possible for you to take some of your expectations of this guy off the table and just have a more casual meeting for a first time? If you have been going slow on the play stuff and instead exploring shared preferences, aspirations, regular stuff, then, to me, a quick "hey, I am gonna be going to the farmer's market, walking the dog, buying groceries, whatever regular stuff you do, do you want to meet me there?" could be a way to get that first face to face moment taken care of. He is a person. You are a person. It doesn't have to be dramatic to meet a new man. That's just me, perhaps, but I would rather get to know someone in a way that is authentic to the life we both really lead, and not manufacture a "date". It maintains your autonomy, and you have a shared experience, or not, while taking care of your own self enough to not have been overly emotionally vulnerable. 

(in reply to mixielicous)
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