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Getting started - 8/24/2009 3:58:58 PM   
curiouskitten8


Posts: 43
Joined: 1/23/2009
Status: offline 		I have  recently come to terms with my interest in the lifestyle and the undeniable truth that I am a submissive woman. Unfortunately I am having difficulty explaining it to my boyfriend. He can be very dominate at times, and seemed excited about "rough sex" when I brought up the idea to him. But I don't know how to explain the relationship outside the bedroom, or how I need more than a little bit of bondage and spanking to feel right. I don't know how to tell him that this is the way I need to live, and that its so much more than kinky sex.
Its confusing, because as a submissive I find it difficult to ask for something that I want, or explain my needs. I keep trying to tell him, but the shy submissive little girl comes outta me every time the subject comes up. He seems very supportive, interested and excited but he doesn't know where to start, and I don't know how to show him.
We both have so much to learn about the lifestyle and about each other (in regards to the lifestyle) but it seems that he is to afraid of hurting me to really explore.

Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Getting started - 8/24/2009 4:00:16 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		Get him a book.........loving dominant by John Warren Ph. D. by example...

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to curiouskitten8)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Getting started - 8/24/2009 4:14:13 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I was thinking "When Someone You Love Is Kinky."  It's a good introduction book for those who are having trouble expressing their interests from a very ground level.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to mnottertail)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Getting started - 8/24/2009 9:07:47 PM   
pompeii


Posts: 934
Joined: 1/4/2007
From: Silicon Valley, San Jose, California
Status: offline 		Maybe visit www.bdsmlibrary.com together with him and read some of the stories, randomly, together. See which turn each of you on, as you try to find common ground. Once you find stories which heat the both of you up, there you have the next play scene.

If he's more visual than mental, then point him to www.hqbdsm.com and do the same, only with pictures instead of stories.

Let us know how it works out.

Ciao,
Pompeii

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Getting started - 8/25/2009 1:49:21 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		you might try to get over your difficulties about asking things... it is very important that you should be able to ask him appropriately about what you would like to do for him or what he might do for you... if you don't you will get frustrated and impatient and you will resent him for not just knowing how to treat you as you need and eventually you will start demanding things of him which is entirely and totally not what either of you want.

Ask him if you might take off his shoes in the evening
ask him if you may kiss his feet
ask him what you should cook for him
ask him if he prefers you in a skirt or pants or naked
how you should wear your hair
lipstick?
ask if you may ask him any question you can think of
ask him if you may kiss him or shave him or suck his cock
ask him if he will take you to a sexshop and if you might choose a vibrator
ask him if you may go to the toilet if you want to
ask him if you should shave your pussy or not... or if he would prefer to shave it
and your anus
should you wear stockings or tights
would he like to lead you on a dog lead?
ask him to make you cum... or would he like to make you beg him for release?

anyhow the asking of questions is a very good way to start
good luck

(in reply to curiouskitten8)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Getting started - 8/25/2009 2:34:40 AM   
sunshinedreams


Posts: 181
Joined: 1/22/2008
Status: offline 		I found it hard to say what it is I needed and/or wanted, also. I wrote letters and notes to him. Nothing too scary, but enough to start a conversation that led to more in depth discussion than I would have been able to bring up on my own. It helped me to open up quite a bit. Don't forget that it won't all change overnight. You two have a wonderful chance to grow in this together. And above all, have fun!

(in reply to ranja)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Getting started - 8/25/2009 2:10:39 PM   
curiouskitten8


Posts: 43
Joined: 1/23/2009
Status: offline 		I'll have to give all these things a try. Thanks ^_^

(in reply to sunshinedreams)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Getting started - 8/25/2009 3:34:39 PM   
honkytonkgirl


Posts: 1
Joined: 8/21/2009
Status: offline 		He should be afraid of hurting you, he is new to this.

The Loving Dominant is a great book as long as he does not get too hung up in the toy section, lmao.

To be very honest, I have tried to clue men in on BDSM, have voiced my need to be dommed, and have never once been able to turn an every day man around to my way of thinking.  I wish you luck.

To find a Dom...enter the world.  Attend munches, meet others interested in what you are interested and curious about. 

(in reply to curiouskitten8)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Getting started - 8/26/2009 9:03:37 AM   
curiouskitten8


Posts: 43
Joined: 1/23/2009
Status: offline 		I honestly don't think he is just an everyday man, maybe I should take him to some sort of event. Maybe that'll break the ice

(in reply to honkytonkgirl)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Getting started - 8/26/2009 9:21:40 AM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: curiouskitten8

I have  recently come to terms with my interest in the lifestyle and the undeniable truth that I am a submissive woman. Unfortunately I am having difficulty explaining it to my boyfriend. He can be very dominate at times, and seemed excited about "rough sex" when I brought up the idea to him. But I don't know how to explain the relationship outside the bedroom, or how I need more than a little bit of bondage and spanking to feel right. I don't know how to tell him that this is the way I need to live, and that its so much more than kinky sex.

We both have so much to learn about the lifestyle and about each other (in regards to the lifestyle) but it seems that he is to afraid of hurting me to really explore.


congratulations on your discovery. it is always an amazing time filled with questions and the awakening of feelings and deliciously wicked thoughts too. first of all slow down. you have a lot to process and nothing is static. your interests will develop and change as your comfort level increases. allow things to unfold on their own and don't rush the process.

in regard to your partner, while he may have what you perceive as "dominant tendencies" that doesn't mean he is a dominant. big difference. he may simply enjoy the idea of kinky sex. spending time learning more about yourself and the differences between the two will help. i would suggest you allow him to do the same without feeling pressured to embrace a dominant role. he's entitled to discovering his own interests, much like you have done. 

you might enjoy reading come hither by gloria brame. have fun and enjoy the journey.

porcelaine


_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to curiouskitten8)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Getting started - 8/26/2009 9:28:12 AM   
curiouskitten8


Posts: 43
Joined: 1/23/2009
Status: offline 		I certainly don't want to make him feel any pressure at all, but its hard to explore without him. I suppose I'll just keep reading, and it'll happen some day. 

(in reply to porcelaine)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Getting started - 8/26/2009 3:44:32 PM   
HerLovingDom


Posts: 31
Joined: 11/16/2008
Status: offline 		Wow bringing yourself and another into the style, plus it seems your relationship is not that long in the making, this is going to be hard.

Maybe this question should be "How do you train a Dom in your own image?" 

I see many pitfalls that shall take all your communication skills.  I do hope he is a fully open adult too.

(in reply to curiouskitten8)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Getting started - 8/26/2009 3:57:33 PM   
GraciousLady


Posts: 529
Joined: 7/7/2009
Status: offline 		Communication is essential in all relationships. If you are submissive in your heart then you must ask for things in a proper submissive way. Try kneeling in front of him when you know you won't disturbe him. Don't touch hm unless he gives you permission! Fold your hands in your lap and look at them. Wait until he asks what your doing. Tell him your submitting to him and would like permission to talk to him about it. Tell him how you feel and ask him if it would please him be your Dom. Ask him if he would like you to give him some information about the lifestyle. As a good submissive you should be prepared with that information. Let him lead the conversation as much as he can and gently and patiently guide him if needed. If you remember your place it will be easier for him to find his.

(in reply to HerLovingDom)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Getting started - 8/27/2009 8:52:55 AM   
UKEvolutionary


Posts: 60
Joined: 11/20/2006
Status: offline 		I like the response from "GraciousLady", it makes good sense and provided you ask in a submissive way as GraciousLady said, then it wont seem as bad to you, nor will you feel like "topping from the bottom".
The "Hardest" part for Him I feel, is going to be to grasp the Dynamics of D/s, ie:- seeing your subservience as a "need" rather than a "kink" especially when, and if it comes to, "punishing" you fairly if the need arises. Emotions may well get in the way of His "dominance".

A number of "reading issues" have already been offered, but I would like to offer a couple more.

www.informedconsent.co.uk and www.leathernroses.com

I wish you ALL the very best, and I hope your Man can understand and be all you can be together.

(in reply to GraciousLady)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Getting started - 8/27/2009 11:35:30 AM   
curiouskitten8


Posts: 43
Joined: 1/23/2009
Status: offline 		Our relationship is very stable, considering our age. I'm not sure that I am willing to sacrifice our love so soon for the sake of BDSM. Instead, my hope is that the lifestyle enriches our relationship and brings us closer.
As far as Graciouslady was saying, how do I do those things without feeling strange, and him looking at me like I'm insane. Coming from where we are in our relationship I'm afraid he would view it as bizarre, he'd be understanding but incredibly confused, and I fear I would be putting to much pressure on him. golly this is frustrating.

(in reply to UKEvolutionary)
Profile   Post #: 15
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