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RE: Not motivated? Too picky? Something else? - 8/26/2009 10:36:31 AM

olena

Posts: 97
Joined: 12/27/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SylvereApLeanan

quote:

ORIGINAL: RealSub58

quote:

ORIGINAL: autoRelease

Most people don't want what I have to give,

What do you have to give?

That was my question too. After looking at the OP's profile, I still wasn't sure. OP, lots of experience isn't required, but you do need a clear picture of who you are, the sort of person you'd like to meet, and the type of relationship you'd like to have. If you can't be bothered to figure out those things, no one is going to define them for you.

I think that was brilliantly written.

I read your profile OP and this thread and to me it feels like you are afraid of rejection so your lack of effort or appearing to give a damn is a way to not put yourself out there and therefore risk getting rejected. Only for the very lucky few that life just gives them what they need. For most of us we have to go after it and suffer the bad to experience the good. But it starts and stops with ourselves.

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RE: Not motivated? Too picky? Something else? - 8/26/2009 10:50:50 AM

SteelofUtah

Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
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quote:

ORIGINAL: autoRelease

My first involvement in BDSM was joining this site. It's been two months now and I haven't done a single thing to try and get a partner. I haven't searched profiles. I don't even go into the scene-y chat rooms. (I have received e-mails, but not from anyone even remotely close enough to me). There is a local club that has munches, but I can't seem to get around to going. It's not that I'm scared, I just don't see much point in it. Most people don't want what I have to give, so my chances of finding a local partner are almost nil. I knew that would be a problem when I first decided to pursue this but thought I would try it anyway. But now... Meh. Just meh.

And that's pretty much my life story when it comes to relationships and sex. I just don't want romance badly enough to actually work on it. If an opportunity for a relationship doesn't fall in my lap, it's just too much bother. As much as there are some things about our relationship I like, I'm also perfectly happy being single. And since being single doesn't require me to do anything special, it's my default mode.

None of this is new to me. It's something I've realized for years now. My question is how all this comes across in the BDSM community. I get the impression from people here that someone like me would be considered a faker or a scammer. On the off chance that somebody suitable does come along, I would like to know how to avoid giving that impression.

~~Fast Reply~~

Fogive me if this has already been said.

If you are so Disillusioned with this lifestyle or BDSM in general then why bother doing anything at all? Why be here? It isn't worth your effort and no one measures up to what you want and basically in what you said in the above quote you have no desire putting any effort into someone else so why would they want to put any effort into you.

More than a fake you come across as a waste of time. You say that you think what you have to offer no one wants meaning that you do not believe you have the common traits that most are looking for on this site.

You come across so negative I would not want to have anything to do with you personally because it seems that I would be doing all the work and in the end you could care less.

Why would anyone WANT to get involved with that?

Steel

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RE: Not motivated? Too picky? Something else? - 8/26/2009 12:06:30 PM

LadyJulieAnn

Posts: 979
Joined: 6/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: autoRelease

My first involvement in BDSM was joining this site. It's been two months now and I haven't done a single thing to try and get a partner. I haven't searched profiles. I don't even go into the scene-y chat rooms. (I have received e-mails, but not from anyone even remotely close enough to me). There is a local club that has munches, but I can't seem to get around to going. It's not that I'm scared, I just don't see much point in it. Most people don't want what I have to give, so my chances of finding a local partner are almost nil. I knew that would be a problem when I first decided to pursue this but thought I would try it anyway. But now... Meh. Just meh.

And that's pretty much my life story when it comes to relationships and sex. I just don't want romance badly enough to actually work on it. If an opportunity for a relationship doesn't fall in my lap, it's just too much bother. As much as there are some things about our relationship I like, I'm also perfectly happy being single. And since being single doesn't require me to do anything special, it's my default mode.

None of this is new to me. It's something I've realized for years now. My question is how all this comes across in the BDSM community. I get the impression from people here that someone like me would be considered a faker or a scammer. On the off chance that somebody suitable does come along, I would like to know how to avoid giving that impression.

What I get from your post is that it's much easier to "not care" and negate any chance of a relationship, than to risk failing at one. To avoid giving that impression, you'd have to accept that it is a risk to explore new relationships and therefore put forth some effort.

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RE: Not motivated? Too picky? Something else? - 8/26/2009 12:32:25 PM

CougarStud

Posts: 105
Joined: 7/24/2009
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I have a close friend in Key West that is in transition. He feels awkward in dating and not sure where he fits in. As a female he dated men, now that he is transitioning, he thinks maybe he should like women. His confusion of where he fits in right now since he is not in a static state but evolving makes him think no one will take him as he is or as he will be if he continues transitioning. Fear of rejection & the unknown keeps him immobile.

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RE: Not motivated? Too picky? Something else? - 8/26/2009 3:37:55 PM

HerLovingDom

Posts: 31
Joined: 11/16/2008
Status: offline

Try just chatting with someone like you meet them in the real world. Be genuine be yourself but be upbeat.

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RE: Not motivated? Too picky? Something else? - 8/26/2009 5:03:23 PM

autoRelease

Posts: 69
Joined: 6/22/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Mistress4Gurls

Perhaps if you appeared to give a crap about the person that drops in your lap?

There have been people in my life I would kill to have a relationship with. Unfortunately, none of them felt/feel the same about me. I have never had the opportunity to date someone I actually liked or had feelings for - Something that most people take for granted. My entire experience of relationships is being asked out by someone I'm indifferent about, saying yes just because I felt like I should or in a desperate attempt to get this relationship thing to work, and very quickly enjoying that person’s company even less. Now are there not many people I have feelings for? Yes. But I don't know how to change that. I know some people don't seem to need chemistry in a relationship, but I seem to, and it doesn't happen often for me.

quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse
Don't know you, don't care and frankly with your attitude you'd suck at a relationship anyhow. Hasta la vista!

LOL See, I totally agree with you. Some people have suggested I’m afraid of rejection. But rejection is a regular thing for me. What I'm really afraid of is that if I found someone I had feelings for, I wouldn't make a good partner and would just end up hurting them in the end – Because I know I suck at relationships.

My question was really if I come across as disingenuous by trying to look for a relationship at all. Based on the replies here I'd say the answer is yes. Too bad that's not actually the case.

< Message edited by autoRelease -- 8/26/2009 5:04:14 PM >

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RE: Not motivated? Too picky? Something else? - 8/27/2009 12:19:20 AM

jeninvegas

Posts: 79
Joined: 6/11/2009
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Well, if you're really 'meh' about the whole thing then...there's little you can do to really NOT give off that vibe to another person. I mean...really, anybody that would have been remotely interested might have read that post and probably felt 'meh' too...

Basically, the solution is not to be 'meh' about the whole situation and actually put yourself out there.

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RE: Not motivated? Too picky? Something else? - 8/27/2009 2:32:08 PM

autoRelease

Posts: 69
Joined: 6/22/2009
Status: offline

I had a bit of an epiphany while walking the dog this morning. I love dogs. When I was a kid, I was determined that I would always have one. But for the first six years after I moved out, I didn't get one because I knew I didn't have the time for it.

The same thing applies here. It's true that I'm not totally happy being single. But it's also true that I really have nothing to offer a partner, even one I was really dedicated to. No experience, no skills, no money and for the next eight months, likely no time either. I also have to accept that I'm not attracted to very many people and trying to force myself to be is not working.

It's time I realize that my celibacy is probably a permanent thing and bow out. So, I guess this will be my last post. Thanks to all of you who have been supportive.

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