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CNJDom -> RE: questions from the curious (9/1/2009 4:31:03 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: curious112
I'm here trying to get an understanding of this lifestyle. My best friend has been seeing this guy (I now learn, her Dom) for about a year and I thought he was great at first. As time when on he became more aggressive to her and more dominating of an increasing amount of her life. After seeing an occasional bruise a few times while out shopping I asked her if he was abusing her. This is when she told me about this lifestyle and that they were a part of it. It explained much of his behavior and the changes in hers as well as made me feel a little better about her bruises and such. But again the more I see the more I wonder. I've gone online I've read what I can and I've figured out that the best way is to talk to people that are in this lifestyle. There are so many things that I see where I am left wondering if it is part of the lifestyle and their dynamic or if hes using it as an excuse to treat her the way he does. I have talked her several times about it and gotten every answer from I don't understand because I'm not involved to a silence and refusal to answer that has me just as worried.
I know that this is a legit life and though it isn't one that I think I could do any further than the bedroom I know that people in it have wonderful relationships. I don't want to sound like I think its terrible, I just really care about my friend and I am concerned that even she is loosing sight of the line between this lifestyle and abuse. So I really hope you all don't mind me pestering you with questions.
Thank you in advance.
Everyone here has a valid point in their reaction to your post, but I think perhaps you should talk with your friend, and back off the BDSM aspect of their relationship with this particular talk. Remove the BDSM out of the equation. As a friend or two-friends who will often talk about their relationships (which is natural), discuss how the relationship is first. Your friend is willing to discuss to help ease your worries to a certain extent, and by letting her know first that as a friend you care about her not only her well-being physically, but also emotionally as well; will make things a little less stressful for you both.
By taking out the BDSM element, you can both be free to focus on the relationship it's self. Is she happy? Is her feelings for him based on love? Does he treat her wrong? What's her feelings with this overall, and how does the future look as a couple?... that sort of thing, and these questions will come natural to the level of the friendship dynamic that you both uniquely have with eachother. That discussion is only what you two can have. After that discussion, then later you can delve into learning more about what makes this lifestyle-choice the thing for her personally. You both can hold that conversation where it is a natural extension of your friendship bond, without the worry of one defending something on top of trying to open up. That is a really hard thing to do: defend something while trying to condone it. So far, it seems that this has been the case, though you care and want her to be safe and happy. All good things! And these things are acheiveable with the inclusion of BDSM into one's life.
So just be her friend and be supportive of her like you are trying to do. Friends don't judge and I'm sure you're not, but keep that in mind if your friend is trying more to defend what she does, instead of sharing with you the joy she dervives from being who she is in this lifestyle. I hope this helps and of course there is more to this than what is presented here, but it is a good start in making you both at ease in bridging understanding, tolerance, and acceptance between those who choose to include BDSM into their lives and those who don't, as well as those concerned and want to learn more about it. You are a good friend in my book and thank you for taking the time and effort for asking with your good intentions.
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