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RE: What does closure mean to you? - 8/29/2009 11:31:37 AM

Prinsexx

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW

Good morning, darling!

quote:

But what does closure mean to you, and just how important is it to you?
To me, closure is that point were I become able to move beyond a situation. I consider it an internal process, rather than something that is externally oriented.

This is what is actually creating problems for me then. If the other considers clodure to be an internal process, then (save for telepathy...rare and extreme empathy...minority) I cannot know when the other has closure if it's not externally evidenced.
Is that making any sense?

< Message edited by Prinsexx -- 8/29/2009 11:33:00 AM >

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RE: What does closure mean to you? - 8/29/2009 11:32:17 AM

IronBear

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The one thing I personally find difficult to deal with is "unfinished business". It matters little if I end up with egg on my face because I do believe that I need to at least try to resolve at least some of the issues and try to come to some form of amicable ending. I badly failed with two previously wives when in the case of my second wife it was a bloodless war with much attrition. Yet in its own way that too brought closure. the hard closures I have had to deal with with was those troopers who died under my command all of whom I was proud of. Rather than write the obligatory letter and mailing it, I hand delivered that letter to the parents or other loved ones because they deserved to have me do this. For my part this helped closure for me too.

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RE: What does closure mean to you? - 8/29/2009 5:03:08 PM

CallaFirestormBW

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quote:

This is what is actually creating problems for me then. If the other considers clodure to be an internal process, then (save for telepathy...rare and extreme empathy...minority) I cannot know when the other has closure if it's not externally evidenced.
Is that making any sense?

I think that I understood what you were saying, but it doesn't "make sense" to me, because I have to wonder why it matters to someone -else- whether I have closure. Because I consider it an internal process for me, once a situation ends, I don't really wonder whether the other person 'has closure'. I figure if they want closure, they'll shape things in their mind so that there -is- closure -- if they are comfortable with things being open and unfinished, they'll hold things in their mind that way... and that those things will happen -regardless- of what I'm doing within myself.

With that in mind, and because I truly don't grasp this concept, why, if we'd both moved on, would you -care- whether I had closure or not? Wouldn't that defeat the point of the end of the relationship, to keep holding on looking for the -other- to have closure?

Dame Calla

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Post #: 23

RE: What does closure mean to you? - 9/12/2009 10:45:29 PM

tegen

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Something that can be very hard to have! I have been struggling with this myself recently after thinking for months that I had let go and got over it. I spent a day begging someone for forgiveness and being ignored. Several things have finally clicked. I am able to forgive myself for any wrongdoing on my part so I do not need it from someone else. I was an idiot for falling in love with an illusion and being manipulated from the start. I am not the person that I was constantly portrayed to be. One of the hardest things is to forgive myself for not being strong enough to walk away when I was fed up and knew it was a destructive relationship. I have - finally - after the recent time where I basically threw myself at his feet and said I would do anything - realised and accepted that he does not and has never cared about me. Now instead of longing and wishing things had been different I can see that there is nothing I could have done to make things turn out differently. No more 'what ifs'. Also the whole time up until now I had been worrying about him for various reasons and making excuses for his behaviour. The number of times I defended him to people and wanted so much to believe in him. Now I have stopped believing. What happens to him now is not my concern.

< Message edited by tegen -- 9/12/2009 10:47:08 PM >

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RE: What does closure mean to you? - 9/13/2009 1:17:11 AM

TurboJugend

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at OP

I always wanted to know the "why" myself when a relation ended in a weird unexplainable way. Although I got a million answers, there never seems to be the right one to make the bad feelings go away.
As some others said also....accept it and move on. Not eassy..for sure not....but also not harder then waiting in sadness with a headache for answers.
While you sit waiting for answers, the other person just might go on without worries.
Anyway..eassier said then done...but propably the best way..to move on....to meet new chances.

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Post #: 25

RE: What does closure mean to you? - 9/13/2009 5:50:36 AM

kallisto

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I learned a long time ago that a relationship is a two way street. Closure of a relationship can be a dead end on a one way street. Being a part of that relationship doesn't guarantee you a part in the ending of it. I've learned over the years that closure for me when not given the chance to understand the whys, hows, whens, etc., is to stop trying to rationalize the unrational actions of the other person. Accept the fact that the other person is no longer in your life and move on. Easier said than done, I know.

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Post #: 26

RE: What does closure mean to you? - 9/13/2009 8:06:36 AM

NuevaVida

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quote:

ORIGINAL: catize

My definition of closure is the ability to let go. Let go of the anger, the disappointment, the pain.
Friends, lovers, people leave; sometimes in a mysterious disappearing act, sometimes with a big bang, and other times by mutual agreement.
I do what I need to do in order to let go. I don’t expect and seldom want to engage the other person in whatever process I use to emotionally free myself.

What she said. I don't chase after friendships or intimate relationships. While I am pained when they end (particularly if I don't understand why they ended), I realize that for whatever reason, they don't want me in their lives anymore. Since I have no desire to be in someone's life who doesn't want me there, I move on. If they wanted me to know why, they would tell me. If they didn't tell me, I'm not going to go around asking for answers; I just accept that we're done and I focus on the people who DO want me in their lives - there are a lot more of them, and it brings me a lot more joy than wracking my head, speculating all the possible "why's" of a relationship ending (whether friendship or intimate).

Besides, if someone doesn't want to end a relationship "properly" (and by that I mean with an open and honest conversation), then I consider that cowardly behavior and I lose interest in wanting to talk to him/her, anyway. I'm not all that interested in what cowards have to say.

So, like others have said, closure comes from within.

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RE: What does closure mean to you? - 9/13/2009 8:34:08 AM

kyraofMists

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~FR

I read the OP and was going to respond and then skimmed many of the replies and realized I didn't need to.

With me, closure is an internal process and is not going to come from an external sourse. If I keep seeking out the person that I need closure with, then I am really just trying to keep the relationship going rather than letting go of that relationship and moving on.

Knight's Kyra

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Post #: 28

RE: What does closure mean to you? - 9/13/2009 9:21:45 AM

IronBear

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In a nut shell closure for me means no unfinished business no matter what nor where.

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Post #: 29

RE: What does closure mean to you? - 9/13/2009 9:25:12 AM

Lucienne

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Oh, Dame Calla. I love your thoughts on this so much, it makes me want to polish your silver (no pun intended).

Agreed with others that closure is something I'm in charge of bringing to myself. What I expect from a romantic partner is merely Notice. I don't need a conversation, or an explanation, just a heads up. Of course, this expectation isn't always met. And when I do catch on, the fact that the person didn't have the courtesy to provide notice makes closure easier.

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)

Post #: 30

RE: What does closure mean to you? - 9/13/2009 10:07:02 AM

lally2

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my previous relationship got a bit messy towards the end and things split up because it seemed the only healthy thing to do. my ex Sir and i spent a bit of time just playing with the idea of staying friends and seeing how things evolved from there and through that process it helped us both to move on.

but i have also taken a very long time to recover from the end of a relationship, even though it was me that ended it and i knew why i had and that it was the right thing to do. no amount of closure dealt with the fact that i felt incredibly angry with them.

im rambling stella, cos i dont know the real answer. sometimes closure helps but sometimes its better to just shrug it off and move right along.

i suffer from huge amounts of self doubt, massive amounts and i will always transpose the end of a relationship as a failing in me somewhere - with or without closure...., that i wasnt enough, that i failed - i think its very common for people to assume it was their failure/failing when in fact it was just that the person you were with just couldnt reciprocate for whatever reason.

if my sons dad ever taught me anything atall, it was this, that you cannot and should never assume another persons inabilities to ........... (fill in the gap) is youre issue, it isnt, its theirs and if you both started out together with the premis that there was enough reason to make a go of it, then that should be enough to know that you were the right person for them then, then whatever happens down the road from that has its roots in some pragmatic or emotional issue that we can usually pin point all by ourselves.

rehashing is rarely honest, post mortem can often be way more painful because a sort of emotional ping pong develops - 'you did this', 'you did that' and the waters get really muddied.

so now, what i do, is take responsiblity for my part in becoming emotionally involved with someone, knowing, as we always do, deep down, the weaknesses, strengths and potential pit falls. that brings me closure and has brought me closure over past relationships that for years have bugged me for one reason or another.

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Post #: 31

RE: What does closure mean to you? - 9/13/2009 10:14:08 AM

mnottertail

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Post #: 32

RE: What does closure mean to you? - 9/13/2009 2:37:11 PM

SexyCarrot

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Barring an unexpected death...

CLOSURE = what some people apparently need to fully accept another person just doesn't want them... ever!

< Message edited by SexyCarrot -- 9/13/2009 2:39:15 PM >

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RE: What does closure mean to you? - 9/13/2009 2:41:37 PM

porcelaine

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my thinking on this is changing. it comes down to who i choose to give my power to. expending energy on something that has come and gone means this previous force is occupying space in my head and life. a place he's willingly forsaken and vacated. it seems futile for a ghost to have such prominence. i'm reaching the point where the answers no longer matter and adopting a slogan from a famous commercial instead. just like loreal, i'm worth it. if this person couldn't or wouldn't see such, that's his problem, not mine.

porcelaine

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Post #: 34

RE: What does closure mean to you? - 9/13/2009 4:59:33 PM

SubOnlyForHim

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Closure for this girl ended up biting her in the ass! Not in a bad way though. I had asked my Master for closure when we were parting ways...it ended up with Him having quite a stronger hold on this one instead. Funny word/concept "closure". This one was prepared to make her tribute to her former Master and move on. And as of this moment...is certainly glad for the attempted closure :) We'll see what tomorrow brings! LOL

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Post #: 35

RE: What does closure mean to you? - 9/13/2009 7:04:04 PM

IronBear

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From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
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Of course closure could possibly be what is needed for some arse wipe's cake hole when they are spewing verbal diarrhoea. Sometimes a foot or a bare knuckle sandwich does the job and at other times a full role of dunny paper inserted forcibly with extreme prejudice with give closure too.

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Iron Bear

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Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

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Post #: 36

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