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Laying to rest some online BDSM myths - 8/30/2009 9:27:33 PM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline 		There are numerous myths connected with both online dating and with BDSM and I just felt it worth trying to lay some online BDSM myths to rest when it comes to meeting people.

Perhaps the most common of these myths which you hear time and time again on BDSM message boards is that meeting people online isn't real life. Really? Pray tell me how you manage to transform yourself into a bot, hologram or anime? When did you cease to become a living, functioning human being sat in front of a real computer which you are using in a real home as a real time activity in your own real life? Yes you are a real person living a real life merely interacting with another real person living a real life and therefore the interaction between you is just as real as a phone call, traditional letter or a face to face meeting. And when you plan to meet that person and turn up for that meeting your interaction is indeed real life and face to face.

Some people will tell you that meeting people online or the online BDSM community is some sort of crutch. But if so, then surely munches, clubs and events are also crutches?

Sometimes when you tell someone you are looking for someone online they will tell you that all you are going to meet are timewasters, fakes, scammers and spammers. This also isn't completely true. Yes there are a few who misuse the website but there are people registered on this site and others who come from all walks of life, all ages, nationalities. You find the same sort of dominants and submissives online as you find at any event, club or munch or anywhere else for that matter. Even when you think back to your vanilla dating days when you went out 'on the pull' you didn't always 'pull' or 'score' and you could have easily been stood up. Apart from the fact that people feel more secure and bolder online there's not much difference to what people say, do and think online and offline.

In fact it doesn't matter whether it's online or offline - it's still a numbers game. the only real difference is that when you screw up when getting to know someone they are far less likely to remember you online than if you screwed up at a face to face meeting. The only other possible difference is your attitude. If you're not getting to meet people in real life from an online starting point then it's probably not the website or the people you are contacting, but something that you are not doing right and have yet to figure out.

Do you lose your communication skills when you try to meet people online? Of course you don't. In fact trying to meet people online is much harder than offline and when you only have the written word to communicate you challenge your communication skills even more than you would face to face.

Do people tell you that they've tried to form a relationship online with someone and it doesn't work? Do they tell you that it's a waste of time? It just means that they haven't managed to get it to work for them, and assume for some reason that just because it hasn't worked for them it won't work for anyone else. The truth of the matter is of course that they haven't found someone with whom it does work or figured out a way to make it work for them. This is their problem, and has got nothing to do with the fact that they were using a site such as this one or indeed using a computer.

Trying to find people online doesn't limit your options as some people will tell you. here you have message boards, chatrooms, and can send private messages and in fact it offers you more options than the real time face to face one to one approach. You can communicate with more than one person at a time. It's not as time-consuming as you think. Consider how much time it would take you to find out what fifty people think about hard limits if you had to attend munches and find out such information from the people you meet. Online all you have to do is come onto the message boards and find a thread on any subject and immediately you will find out what fifty or even more people think and feel on a given topic.

Finding compatible kinksters online with a view to meeting in real life can be incredibly difficult, more so when you're using an international website and often takes more skill than a real life face to face meeting. That's why many people believe that meeting someone in person is more accessible. But this may not be true in smaller towns and can be a useful tool for developing a real time network of friends and a successful relationship. It doesn't have to be as futile or as horrible as some people will have you believe. However it's also very important not to rely on making contacts and developing relationships online - for when building your 'real life' network or developing your 'real time' relationship switching off your computer, leaving your home and developing your face to face relationship skills is just as important.

After all all it takes is one message or one meeting to find that person you are looking for.

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RE: Laying to rest some online BDSM myths - 8/30/2009 10:13:45 PM   
pyroaquatic


Posts: 1535
Joined: 12/4/2006
From: Pyroaquatica
Status: offline 		I will admit. I have a handicap when it comes to socializing. If I do not know people.... IE go to a club/bar by myself... I tend to stick the walls closer than... well, whatever is on those walls. (ICK)

Here, it is not face to face. I am not afraid to be who I am. Besides, information can be quickly exchanged on a webbie site like this, and I love it. THIS is my medium.

The point is... in the non-virtual world... I am much more limited. I sink my own battleships (:c) and can easily rectify my mistakes. I tend to freeze in situations of the flesh. Have I found the person I have been looking for yet? No, but I am sure as hell I can wait.

I better, or Lady Pact will get me.

>_> <_<




_____________________________

You are what your deep, driving desire is.
As your desire is, so is your will.
As your will is, so is your deed.
As your deed is, so is your destiny.
-Brihadaranyaka Upanishad IV.4.5

(in reply to stella41b)
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RE: Laying to rest some online BDSM myths - 8/30/2009 10:18:27 PM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pyroaquatic

I will admit. I have a handicap when it comes to socializing. If I do not know people.... IE go to a club/bar by myself... I tend to stick the walls closer than... well, whatever is on those walls. (ICK)

Here, it is not face to face. I am not afraid to be who I am. Besides, information can be quickly exchanged on a webbie site like this, and I love it. THIS is my medium.

The point is... in the non-virtual world... I am much more limited. I sink my own battleships (:c) and can easily rectify my mistakes. I tend to freeze in situations of the flesh. Have I found the person I have been looking for yet? No, but I am sure as hell I can wait.

I better, or Lady Pact will get me.

>_> <_<






If you indeed have Aspergers Syndrome (we have talked about the possibilities). Then social behaviors have to be practiced and rehearsed. They will not come naturally. Here is easier for you as you dont have to try and read the social cues.

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RE: Laying to rest some online BDSM myths - 8/31/2009 12:54:43 AM   
Falkenstein


Posts: 187
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline 		Stella,

There was a thread regarding good online communication skills, I suppose you just wanted to write a nice example of it. BTW, I re-iterate my remarks regarding the quality of prose on collarme and in my professional life: it is really better here.

The opposition online - reallife is logically false (If you read this, is it real for you or are you dreaming?), thus I preffer to use the pair online - offline. I also noticed that some posters used the reference to "real life" as a weapon of mass intimidation.

To comment on the substance, sure, online, there are some mythomanes, cheats and liars or reasonably decent people who embellish the truth. So, these misfits never go in a bar? Of course the fake billionaire who wanted to invite you on his yacht for Monaco will seems odd in Silkie's bar of Pittsburgh, but frankly, he would seems odd on collarme too. For the guy who says that he detects "truth embellisments" more easily in offline life than in the online one, I have one word: wonderbra
Also, if we are so keen to know the "real" woman, why are we dating in place with dimmed light and liquors? Why are we not dating in neon-light flooded, alcohol-free places?

Online is a great place to start a romance, and also to end it if needs be.

Kinky regards

Henry

_____________________________

Henry,

Part of that power which still
Produceth good, whilst ever scheming ill.

(in reply to stella41b)
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RE: Laying to rest some online BDSM myths - 8/31/2009 4:59:18 AM   
VanIsleKnight


Posts: 283
Joined: 8/4/2009
Status: offline 		I find that as far as communication skills go, my actual ability to speak and hold a conversation in real life went down when I spent a great deal of time texting, posting, and instant messaging.  It's still a bit of a bump to get over sometimes, but I'd have to disagree with you.  Communicating by the typed word?  Nothing but improvement.  I have time to think, there's no need to hurry my words and so I don't get nervous or mix-up my words nearly as often.

Speaking directly?  I might feel awkward, not know what to say, and in general be a lot more boring then if I had a keyboard in front of me.  I've heard that just speaking a lot helps though anyways so I'm thinking of various ways to record what I'm saying and apply them to a project so I can be doubly constructive. :)


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RE: Laying to rest some online BDSM myths - 8/31/2009 6:07:30 AM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline 		I think it's an age thing... my young adults grew up with on-line as a way of life intehrated into 'real life'.
They don't insist on a dychotomy.
I do observe differences however in communication. I'm tired, ever so tired of saying this over and over: so one last time.
If you have not spent time with me, have not mailed me back and forth in order to hold a discussion, have not phoned me to hear my voice and talk, have not read me, fucked me, whipped me, looked me in the eyes, locked me in a cage or cupboard, text me in the middle of the night...(perm any three)...then what is going on between you and me is in your HEAD.
It has nothng to do with whether what is in your head got created on line or when you met me.
It's either in your head or in your bed as they say. And seriously if it's in your head with me it's unfinished business.
I've no preferences for where the business gets finished...HERE on-line or round at my place or yours...just as long as we get closure. OK that's laid that to rest.
Moving on....


_____________________________

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Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
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To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

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RE: Laying to rest some online BDSM myths - 8/31/2009 6:53:28 AM   
daintydimples


Posts: 967
Joined: 7/6/2009
Status: offline 		I'm not sure it's an age thing. More a  thing for THIS age.

The last play party I went to, everyone there had either met their significant other online, were seeking online, or some combination of both. This was not a small group, approx. 30 participants over the course of the evening. It was also an older group, for the most part (40+).

Now, admittedly I live in a Bible Belt midwestern state that has very little kink. There are not that many other options (other than online) for meeting people.

Now that I think of it, I met the friend who took me to the party on line.





_____________________________

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RE: Laying to rest some online BDSM myths - 8/31/2009 7:35:55 AM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: daintydimples

I'm not sure it's an age thing. More a  thing for THIS age.

The last play party I went to, everyone there had either met their significant other online, were seeking online, or some combination of both. This was not a small group, approx. 30 participants over the course of the evening. It was also an older group, for the most part (40+).

Now, admittedly I live in a Bible Belt midwestern state that has very little kink. There are not that many other options (other than online) for meeting people.

Now that I think of it, I met the friend who took me to the party on line.





I have to sympathise. You should live in my town (not disclosed on my profile). I am the only submissive in town...believe me I've checked for this town on Collar fet and alt...unless they are non-disclosing.
I have a rule anyways: never fuck within my post code. So finding an onliner has always been the way to go.


_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to daintydimples)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Laying to rest some online BDSM myths - 8/31/2009 10:49:20 AM   
onlinemaleslut


Posts: 2
Joined: 8/30/2009
Status: offline 		It makes me laugh when people refer to "real time" as opposed to online. As if online could not happen in real time! When I'm in front of my webcam, the bits really are very fast at the other end of the planet.

(in reply to Prinsexx)
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RE: Laying to rest some online BDSM myths - 8/31/2009 11:23:14 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pyroaquatic

I will admit. I have a handicap when it comes to socializing. If I do not know people.... IE go to a club/bar by myself... I tend to stick the walls closer than... well, whatever is on those walls. (ICK)

Here, it is not face to face. I am not afraid to be who I am. Besides, information can be quickly exchanged on a webbie site like this, and I love it. THIS is my medium.

The point is... in the non-virtual world... I am much more limited. I sink my own battleships (:c) and can easily rectify my mistakes. I tend to freeze in situations of the flesh. Have I found the person I have been looking for yet? No, but I am sure as hell I can wait.

I better, or Lady Pact will get me.

>_> <_<



Or I will......... boy bits be damned.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to pyroaquatic)
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RE: Laying to rest some online BDSM myths - 8/31/2009 11:29:46 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: onlinemaleslut
It makes me laugh when people refer to "real time" as opposed to online. As if online could not happen in real time! When I'm in front of my webcam, the bits really are very fast at the other end of the planet.
It's people grasping for a way to make distinctions without truly understanding. As you say, there is no "unreal time". For instance, if I log onto Secondlife and attend a class on optimizations for multi-core programming on nehalem architecture CPU's taught by an Intel CPU architect, in what way is that "artificial"? People will understand better when they stop making global assertions about a communication medium and rather start talking specifically about it's strengths and weaknesses. I still like the phrase "mixed reality" to capture the complexiy of it.

In the end, "online" is nothing more than two or more people communicating via a technological communication medium... pretty much identical to a phone call. Some things work out pretty well over such a medium and other things do not.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

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RE: Laying to rest some online BDSM myths - 8/31/2009 11:32:54 AM   
sambamanslilgirl


Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: stella41b

Do people tell you that they've tried to form a relationship online with someone and it doesn't work? Do they tell you that it's a waste of time? It just means that they haven't managed to get it to work for them, and assume for some reason that just because it hasn't worked for them it won't work for anyone else. The truth of the matter is of course that they haven't found someone with whom it does work or figured out a way to make it work for them. This is their problem, and has got nothing to do with the fact that they were using a site such as this one or indeed using a computer.



Thank you, stella, for posting this.

_____________________________

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...announcing Mr. & Mrs. British Petrol ...yeah, marrying into oil is slick business...

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RE: Laying to rest some online BDSM myths - 8/31/2009 11:58:21 AM   
Malkinius


Posts: 1814
Joined: 1/9/2004
Status: offline 		Greetings Leadership....

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

It's people grasping for a way to make distinctions without truly understanding. As you say, there is no "unreal time". For instance, if I log onto Secondlife and attend a class on optimizations for multi-core programming on nehalem architecture CPU's taught by an Intel CPU architect, in what way is that "artificial"? People will understand better when they stop making global assertions about a communication medium and rather start talking specifically about it's strengths and weaknesses. I still like the phrase "mixed reality" to capture the complexiy of it.

In the end, "online" is nothing more than two or more people communicating via a technological communication medium... pretty much identical to a phone call. Some things work out pretty well over such a medium and other things do not.


You hit exactly the reason why I never use "real time" and "virtual time" but offline and online. There is nothing unreal about my time on the computer taking up real time out of my life to do something that sometimes includes real people on the other end of the computer connection.

Be well....

Malkinius


_____________________________

A questioner by inclination...An Auctioneer for the fun of it
http://www.HouseMalkinius.com    The goal is community.

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RE: Laying to rest some online BDSM myths - 8/31/2009 12:17:44 PM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline 		While I admit a certain paranoia about social networking sites (Well, honestly, I think MySpace, Facebook, et al are going to be the decline of Western Civilization, lol!), I don't consider them to be un-real.  I have met people from CM in person, I have friends on CM that I've not met in person but would.  I was in a realtionship with a guy for nearly a year who I re-met on CM. 
I guess where I draw the line for myself (And no one else) is in terms of pursuing a partnership: I would ot allow it to remain strictly on-line but using on-line, phone, etc. to augment face to face: sure, why not. 
  Davan

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

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RE: Laying to rest some online BDSM myths - 8/31/2009 12:41:55 PM   
TazDevil


Posts: 155
Joined: 2/24/2005
Status: offline 		not a bad post but you did forget one thing I get a lot, when real life is so much better as you can fell thing in real that you cant in on line play, why be on line at all? there or a lot of good reasons to be on line

the big one is shyness on the screen it just words in real life it is faces

the next is STD's and even though I put shyness 1 STD is a big one! I have and or fear STD's with all the christens believe that even with a condom you can get one (and hey maybe that true) who wants to take the risk? or if you have an STD but don’t wont to share it that live on line play as the best safe bet!

I have kids... other big one you cant go out as much you or your in too D's but don’t wont to do it around your kids

I am addticked ,on line play is vary addicting no rule all fun, who could blame some one for that drug?

I have a partner who don't under stand but I love them (and on line is not cheating)

role playing is my big fetish and there far more role play on line then real life



_____________________________

TazDevil is learning disabled so he can not spell very well It is a mild learning disability that makes it hard to sound out words and understand math (luckily there is not much math to do on Collarme.com)

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RE: Laying to rest some online BDSM myths - 8/31/2009 5:25:52 PM   
naughtysubK


Posts: 62
Joined: 5/2/2004
Status: offline 		I think one of the things that causes people to proclaim that trying to find someone online is a waste of time is unrealistic expectations.  If a Dom is a 50 something,  balding, unemployed chain smoker who sends out mass emails demanding that submissives instantly contact him on Yahoo,  and has a profile saying the submissive must be under 30 and under 120 pounds,  he is probably going to be disappointed.    And he is probably going to add a journal entry on his profile complaining that everone here is a fake. 


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RE: Laying to rest some online BDSM myths - 8/31/2009 6:35:58 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pyroaquatic


I better, or Lady Pact will get me.

>_> <_<





I fail to see the drawback in this. 


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Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

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Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Laying to rest some online BDSM myths - 8/31/2009 7:02:29 PM   
anthrosub


Posts: 843
Joined: 6/2/2004
Status: offline 		Meeting people online and communicating is no different than being pen-pals. The difference is you get to exchange messages more frequently in a given period of time. I think the rest of it goes without saying.

_____________________________

"It is easier to fool people than it is to convince them they have been fooled." - Mark Twain

"I am not young enough to know everything." - Oscar Wilde

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RE: Laying to rest some online BDSM myths - 8/31/2009 7:10:20 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		I continue to use realtime and online because I hate terms like "meatspace".  Ew, yanno?  I guess I should try to go for something like face to face, but that is three words, and I refuse to textspeak f2f!



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RE: Laying to rest some online BDSM myths - 8/31/2009 7:17:48 PM   
Andalusite


Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: onlinemaleslut
It makes me laugh when people refer to "real time" as opposed to online. As if online could not happen in real time! When I'm in front of my webcam, the bits really are very fast at the other end of the planet.

Actually, "real time" is used a lot with computers to mean webcams, or certain kinds of programming, and internet telephone, and such, as opposed to "asynchronous" (e-mail, for example).

Stella, I've never been into the cybersex/online BDSM thing, and it's particularly unappealing with someone I've never met. I can't have any idea if I'll be attracted to someone until I interact with them in person - I can know that they are *unattractive*, but not if I'll have any chemistry with them. Pheremones can't be transmitted via the Web. The Internet is a great way to initially make contact and screen people, but I can't actually "date" someone that way. Some people can, and that's fine, but if they claim to be experienced in S/M or bondage, or expect that their fantasies will align exactly with what they actually enjoy when their skin and nerve endings are involved, I worry about them. There have been "gender benders" and fakes back since I was first using the internet, before we had all the pretty pictures and links. I haven't run into a lot personally, since they tend to target men, but I've sure heard about them!

I found my Master here, and my previous boyfriend/Dominant of 3 years on a different BDSM personals site, so I'm not knocking online as a way of finding people. If they had wanted to keep it online only for over a month or so, I wouldn't have been interested, and I certainly wouldn't have considered myself to be "dating" them.

(in reply to onlinemaleslut)
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