stella41b
Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline
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I didn't want to spoil the wonderful thread started by VampiresLair on communication nor hijack the thread about online myths so I thought I would start a new one here on a topic I feel is equally important concerning those more giveaway areas of communication - mindset and projection and how they affect something just as equally important when trying to form relationships and meet people - attitude.
We've gone through twenty or thirty years of some of the most dramatic social transitions in the history of mankind brought about by advanced technology and while in many ways our lives have been made much easier and so much more is possible to so many more people, in some other areas on the whole we are still struggling to cope with the aftereffects of such changes.
Nowhere is this more evident than the Internet. The Internet has redefined for many of us the way we live making it simpler to communicate, do our shopping, work, pay bills, study, share our creativity with the world, it's revolutionized gender reassignment and brought the world closer together but there is also a downside too. It's made crime so much more easier. It has also presented fresh challenges when it comes to meeting people and developing relationships with them. It has changed the way we perceive and interact with each other but one thing it hasn't changed is the fact that we, people, human beings, are complex social creatures.
Nowhere is this more evident than here - WIITWD. We come here and we discuss so many kinks, fetishes, preferences, relationship dynamics and so on and sometimes from some of the things I read here and from a lot of what comes into my Inbox I often wonder if some people have indeed lost the plot completely and have lost the sight over what the real nitty gritty of WIITWD is really about - the people involved.
I mean let's face it all these kinks and fetishes and relationship dynamics don't change the basic facts that people are people and a basic relationship is still a basic relationship irrespective of whether it's formed here, at your local pub, at the DecidelyVanilla dot com dating website or even at the local church. The only thing that changes is why you are looking for someone and why you meet them.
The basic principle is just the same, seek, find, explore, discover, get to know, discuss, communicate. The basic underlying principle is pretty much the same, you seek to develop an awareness of that other person to a similar degree as you are of yourself aware by communicating with them and finding out what they think, feel, what they know, what they've experienced, what they offer, what they accept, what they need, want, wish for, dream about, and spending time with them to see how they live and what they do and to work out whether you are interested and attracted to each other, whether you can spend time together, whether there is any compatibility, chemistry, and whether you can successfully develop a relationship with them and derive happiness and fulfillment and whatever else you seek from such a relationship.
I mean let's face it, why are we all here? Is it not to explore and find out more about those more taboo and less socially acceptable fetishes, kinks, activities and ways of interacting that we feel we all need, want and crave? Is it not to increase our awareness both of ourselves and of other people so that we can develop ourselves and be more ourselves with other people? And is it not in many cases that we are seeking people who accept us for who we really are, who understand us better, so that we can experience deeper intimacy, and learn to form better more positive relationships with ourselves and other people?
So what about the kinks, activities, relationship dynamics, and play? Aren't they important too? Yes they are. But it's no different from a child playing with toys. They play with toys to learn, to develop, and to increase awareness of themselves and those around them. They assume roles, play mummy and daddy in wendy houses, doctors and nurses, cops and robbers, for the same reasons. Actors don't become actors through studying at drama school but by doing the exact same thing what children do - they play and assume roles - theonly difference is that they are doing it either on the screen or stage for the benefit of an audience but not just for increasing their own awareness but also to raise and promote awareness and provide entertainment for other people.
We are doing the exact same things here - playing, adopting roles and staging scenes - for the exact same reasons to increase our awareness of ourselves and others and develop in our relationships. Being a Goddess is just a role, being a slave is just a role as is being a Master. The only difference is is that we feel we need these elements as part of our relationships and to find greater fulfillment and happiness and so we perceive these 'roles' to be part of who we are and an essential part of our 'lifestyle'.
But the fact remains the same - we need contact and interaction with other people to make it happen.
It's my opinion that all these social transformations and increased technology has created a trend which has conditioned many people to seek the easy way out and to look for the quickest and best in return for minimal effort. Information can be obtained much more easily and communication takes place much quicker but relationships between two human beings require the same amount of commitment and effort as they have always required and this is where I feel a lot of people come unstuck. I feel many people just don't put in the required amount of effort into finding someone or developing a successful relationship or they form unrealistic expectations of themselves or other people.
And it's important to remember that taking the easy way out doesn't always involve being honest. People take short cuts, and because they're on their own, at home, in front of a computer without any witnesses some people succumb to the temptation of deceit and trickery, whether it's by using inaccurate pictures, creating an online persona and projecting it outwards, withholding information, making up information, or by telling porkies. And they go on in this manner, fooling themselves thinking that they're getting away with it, fooling some others who fall for it, completely oblivious to the fact that many others can spot it a mile off, back off or stay well clear of them but talk about them anyway.
But then again I feel that just as many people also underestimate just how much it takes to create a successful relationship and how long it takes to get to know someone. They base their expectations from a relationship solely on their own needs, wants and desires, form a preconceived notion about what their ideal or a successful relationship should be like and rather than assume an open mind, give someone else a chance to get to know them and make the effort to get to know the other person they go around with this preconceived notion of the potential relationship in their head hoping that the other person wants the same and will immediately meet their expectations. Usually when the first possibility that not all their expectations are going to be fulfilled rather than communicate and seek a compromise they simply end the contact and move on.
There are others who become so fed up with being misled, screwed around, or getting involved in unsuccessful relationships that they too start putting up barriers created by trust issues until the point where they actually give up.
For example we have the phenomenon of the One Kink Wonder most often but not always found among male submissives. These are male submissives who are no different to the rest of us, usually they are wonderful people, intelligent, friendly, submissive, have good jobs, lead successful lives but they become fixated on one kink or fetish, so much so that they specialize in it, focus on it, and it dominates their life. They spend months, even years struggling to find a Mistress who shares the same degree of interest in this kink before the penny drops and they learn to compromise.
I believe that not making the necessary amount of effort in seeking and developing a relationship and becoming too fixated on a preconceived notion of a relationship constitutes two of the major reasons why some people here are unable to form successful relationships.
Another major problem is that some people just don't bother to seek proper answers to the question 'why?' and quite often they don't bother to ask themselves the question 'why' over what they think and do. They simply just don't bother, but prefer to jump to conclusions, make assumptions, snap judgments, and make hasty, ill-informed decisions.
How many times do we see someone start a thread starting with the question 'Why...?' only to have other posters point out something which for most people is patently obvious? How often does this occur?
We know that relationships with other people require effort, time, good communication skills and patience and this is even more true online where it becomes even more difficult. It becomes more challenging simply because we are getting less input but have to deliver the same output to get anywhere with anyone. Therefore it just escapes me as to why people get it into their heads that less effort is required and even that they can get away with minimal effort.
The other thing I just cannot get my head around is how come some people never look to themselves when there's a problem or a difficulty but instead blame everything and everyone else - it's always other people, the website, the website owners, the moderators, etc and this is something they go on and on about, and on and on and on, creating thread after thread, telling person after person, stuck in their own narcissistic vicious circle. Okay, so it's everybody else's fault, but where is that information and knowledge getting you? How does that information and knowledge solve the problem? Anything changing for the better?
Of course not. This is why to me mindset and projection trumps everything and greatly influences your attitude. However you are the central figure in all this. It is you that switches on the computer and logs on. It is you that creates the profile, browses profiles, writes messages. It doesn't matter what you say, what you do, because what is in your head will always come out and whenever you interact with anyone online it will always be projected outwards and people will notice. It comes out in everything you write, and people will always respond not so much to what you say, but to what you project outwards.
Everything you project outwards comes back to you. You are the biggest single determining factor when it comes to success or failure here or elsewhere. You are the key figure.
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