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How does one fix that " slump" in the lifestyle? - 8/27/2004 8:42:52 AM   
infyniti


Posts: 37
Joined: 8/13/2004
Status: offline 		I have been in a monogamous relationship for five years now with the same man. Sounds great, right? Well, it is with one exception. Since we live together, are married etc. we tend to find ourselves falling into that real life " slump" where play seems to be put on hold for a " better time." This could be due to several things, ( though we do not have any children living with us), it could still be phone calls from them, email, aging parents living at a distance ( mine) being tired after work (him) ....Ok, i gave you all my excuses....... yep, even i am smart enough to believe they are excuses for the most part. The strange thing is, i seem to be the one wanting OUT of the "slump" alot quicker than my partner. He seems just fine with it which is very confusing to me. I have all the basics down after being in the lifestyle for many years, we all can't eat all the time, sleep all the time nor play all the time, there has to be a balance in life.
Not so much how to fix it, but are there others out there who are together all or most of the time and find themselves in this same situation? Granted, i guess i am looking for comfort in " numbers" here but first i have to identify that other 24/7 RT relationships have SLOW times.... wait!! Not slow times, dormant times.... Then i will work on figuring out the why's.
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RE: How does one fix that " slump" in the lif... - 8/27/2004 8:52:05 AM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline 		This might seem an obvious question, but did you ask him why he isn't in the mood?

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to infyniti)
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RE: How does one fix that " slump" in the lif... - 8/27/2004 9:01:43 AM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Doug and I have gone through areas where the interest seems to decline. I know him well enough though to wear the right clothing or say the right thing that drives him wild. Slump is gone.
I'd suggest you communicate. How about talking about your fantasies? Lived them all out?
When people start out in new relationships there is a lot of lust. Wanton desire or whatever you want to call it. Underwear sales go up. How often do we purchase something new to just make us feel good when we've been together so many years?
How often do we try a new look or re-invent ourselves? If you want the relationship to keep some spice you have to work at it.
Get his attention again.

(in reply to infyniti)
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RE: How does one fix that " slump" in the lif... - 8/27/2004 9:26:52 AM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline 		Hi infyniti,
I think the only way to get out of a "slump" is communication, talk about it. Maybe go shopping together to an adult store and buy a new outfit, toy or video or all three . Hubby and i were in a slump for many years. It was discovering my submissive nature and talking about it that brought us out of it. Now we are constantly trying new things and look forward to every session. Good luck with it.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


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RE: How does one fix that " slump" in the lif... - 8/27/2004 9:31:14 AM   
NoCalOwner


Posts: 241
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika
This might seem an obvious question, but did you ask him why he isn't in the mood?


This might seem like an obvious answer, but might it be related to women reaching their sexual peak at close to 40, while after 16 it's all downhill for men?

(in reply to LadyAngelika)
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RE: How does one fix that " slump" in the lif... - 8/27/2004 10:38:42 AM   
MistressDREAD


Posts: 2943
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		I do not see this as a Lifestyle issue in the least and simply a marraige
issue of husband and wife. This same lax in compainionship and quality time together is a issue that faces everyone in a Marraige in the 21st century. Such things as infidelity, and mistrust or missuse of time towards one another can cause strain. There are many underlying issues that grey a relationship and one such item aside from money issues and work times is addictions. The addiction that is causing most troubles in todays marraiges are not what most would expect. 20 years ago alcohol was the number one addiction that caused matrimonial conflict and 10 years ago it was drugs but the new addiction that is causing breakups of marraiges is sexual addiction and progressivly internet infidelity. Those that are in a relationship either by marraige or by aggrement should be spending no less then 25% of their daily time with the person whom the relationship is with in a pressure free enviroment not including sleep time. Not a easy thing to accomplish in todays times but truly needed to be addressed by those whom choose and I mean CHOOSE a commitment to another person in Their life. Might I suggest reading this book for sum insite into the causes of you and yours feelings for starters, and once you have determined your problem areas can work on them towards more * Us time and then the issue of Lifestyle play can be added again. (All meals together even if it means waking up a hour early in the morning to have that start in the morning together in a unchallenged morning with no one else around, and making arrangements in the day to meet for lunch after all its only a hour or two for such that for the sake of the one We love is not much to ask for and then again dinner. Baths shared at all times together, make it a rule that one cannot take a bath with out the other. this will enhance intimacy taking a day that is set just for the two of you working on issues of the home together be it working out in the yard or on a project inside like adding photos of the family to books, sumthing that can be done by the two of you together. There are just a few sample not knowing anything about your family make up. And just so you know the first 5 years of a marraige are concidered the starter years of a marraige and from here it only goes........ hmmmmmm up or down which will it be for you two?? LOL! JMO:

http://www.startermarriages.com/about.html

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RE: How does one fix that " slump" in the lif... - 8/27/2004 10:50:42 AM   
yoursMaam


Posts: 48
Joined: 7/29/2004
Status: offline 		Ma'am,
As a suggestion, try to remember the buttons that turned him on with You in the first place, and work to push some or all of them again. Seduce him, as You would a new conquest. It should work, and certainly couldn't hurt.
as for the "Men's Peak" myth, i am 48, can still go all night, and actually understand what i am doing, i also have more interests now than simply satisfying my own self.
Old Age and Experience beats youthful enthusiasm every time.

(in reply to NoCalOwner)
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RE: How does one fix that " slump" in the lif... - 8/27/2004 11:16:24 AM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NoCalOwner

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika
This might seem an obvious question, but did you ask him why he isn't in the mood?


This might seem like an obvious answer, but might it be related to women reaching their sexual peak at close to 40, while after 16 it's all downhill for men?



I'm 32. If I am to peek more sexualy, then watch out world!

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to NoCalOwner)
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RE: How does one fix that " slump" in the lif... - 8/27/2004 11:24:12 AM   
infyniti


Posts: 37
Joined: 8/13/2004
Status: offline
quote:

Hubby and i were in a slump for many years. It was discovering my submissive nature and talking about it that brought us out of it.
quote:



Okay..... i am trusting your answer here but i really don't think i can take this slump on kinky for years.... i am talking several weeks, like a few months here and i am standing here going, ummmm why? We met via the net on an alternative lifestyle site when i was 38 and honestly for me, the discovery came somewhere around 16 years old. You know, when that guy kisses you really hard and holds your hands behind your back, while you are pressed up against a wall, and you remember it forever? One of those kind of discoveries, though i have learned ALOT since those high school days, that part of me doesn't seem to ever really go in remission so to speak.
Though i am going to work on the word of the day for me:
COMMUNICATION.
We are off tonight to shop and pick up a few things.... maybe it is a good time to try the " talk" thing..... Ahhhhhhhh, those peaks :-) and valley's :-( in relationships, including kinky based ones!!!
peace

infyniti

(in reply to proudsub)
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RE: How does one fix that " slump" in the lif... - 8/27/2004 11:41:52 AM   
MrThorns


Posts: 919
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline 		I have suffered from "Vanilla Poisoning" before and I am sure that I will suffer from it again at some point. The things that have helped in my relationship is going to events in the community, a munch, a play party, a seminar, speaking with some of our friends in the community, spending time together and our ability to communicate very, very well with each other. I live 24/7... but I don't feel dominant 24/7. It happens. Sometimes, even though I might not feel like going to a meeting at the local dungeon, I go anyways. Sometimes just being around some Evil people puts me back into a very good headspace and helps me to get out of my slump.

~Thorns

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~"Do you know what the chain of command is? Its the chain I beat ya with when ya don't follow my command."

"My inner child is a mean little fucker"

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RE: How does one fix that " slump" in the lif... - 8/27/2004 11:56:44 AM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline
quote:

This might seem like an obvious answer, but might it be related to women reaching their sexual peak at close to 40, while after 16 it's all downhill for men?



I'm 32. If I am to peek more sexualy, then watch out world!


LOL. I think i'm at my peak now at 58

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


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RE: How does one fix that " slump" in the lif... - 8/27/2004 12:10:29 PM   
WayHome


Posts: 237
Joined: 8/4/2004
Status: offline 		I think there's been good advice here.

I had a textbook for a psych class that said something like, "Both partners in a relationship will always have different levels of sexual needs and arousal. Even if the couple started out with very compatible libidos, both will wax and wane over the years and every couple will have times of great disparity. Dealing with this difference is often the most serious challenge the couple will ever face."

That's not really the exact text, but it's the best I can remember. That's the vanilla issue....

There's an extra issue for lifestylers. Even if you are both amorous, it can take a lot of work. If you are relatively equal partners most of the time and he takes charge and you both create a formal atmosphere for play, that takes effort. If he hasn't done it in a while, he might also feel out of practice. It's not easy to spontaneously grab the buddy next to you and force them to your knees when she might react with, "Honey, i'm really not in the mood." It's a little easier is you have a strong power exchange dynamic 24/7 (which it sounds like you don't) but still....

One thing that can help is planning ahead. Sure you can't plan to be horny, but if you plan to be Master ans slave for a weekend (or 24 hours) and spend a few days planning and thinking about it, chances are you'll both be plenty tuned in by that day (unless you are vanilla in disguise;-) ). Plan the exact hour and minute when you give up all of yourself. Make a short-term contract for it if you are in to that sort of thing, then he can make you read it out loud from your knees at the appropriate hour to really set the mood.

When we have had slumps, it meant that we had to plan ahead and make an effort. After a few sessions like that, spontaneous BDSM will happen on it's own a lot more easily.

Leto

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RE: How does one fix that " slump" in the lif... - 8/27/2004 12:40:47 PM   
Sundew02


Posts: 457
Joined: 2/6/2004
Status: offline 		Thorns, We agree!! Getting out calendar to mark this day with a red pen. Many are responding with sexual slumps, I don't see that in her post. My dominant nature also cannot be in the on position all the time. I get tired, sick, distracted as well as any other human. But what puts me back in Dom mode is being around others of like interests, or having a warm willing male greet me at the door naked, in a submissive posture and trembling. Visual aids, wicked smile, tend to put me back on track. Sundew

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~~~~~Enjoy the ride, the landing could get painful~~~~

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RE: How does one fix that " slump" in the lif... - 8/27/2004 12:51:12 PM   
NoCalOwner


Posts: 241
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: yoursMaam
as for the "Men's Peak" myth, i am 48, can still go all night, and actually understand what i am doing, i also have more interests now than simply satisfying my own self.
Old Age and Experience beats youthful enthusiasm every time.


Agreed to some extent. When I was 18, I was good for about 5 hours of fun a week, which would mean something like 5 times a day x 8.5 minutes x 7 days a week. At 47, it's still 5 hours a week, but usually more like 60 minutes x 5 days a week. And there's no doubt AT ALL about quality improving. Just the same, there's no denying that a guy in his mid-40s does NOT have the libido of a 5-6 times a day teenager. And motivation/quantity is the issue, not skill. The average married couple in the US is said to have sex 1.3 times a week, and 15-20% are below once a month. I haven't seen any good demographic breakdowns, but I doubt that it's the 20 year olds who are dragging down the average.

Guys between the ages of 40 and 70 have been shown to experience a decrease in bioavailable testosterone of 2-3% a year. By age 80, 50% of guys have roughly the same free T levels as if they had been castrated. It's not so much a decline in testosterone production, although that does happen, but more a matter of ever increasing production of SHBG (sex hormone-binding globulin), which takes the T out of circulation. There are any number of studies showing this, for example:
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/entrez/query.fcgi?cmd=Retrieve&db=PubMed&list_uids=11836290&dopt=Abstract

Fortunately, there are things that can be done to counter it, so no male need sit back and accept a seriously declining libido. I kind of hope that this is what turns out to be the problem, because it's so easily remedied.

(in reply to yoursMaam)
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RE: How does one fix that " slump" in the lif... - 8/27/2004 1:01:21 PM   
MsSpankhardSk


Posts: 63
Joined: 8/19/2004
From: Saskatchewan
Status: offline 		Every marriage has its sailboat journey of passion and then poof! You hit the doldrums. Passion can be rekindled with elements of romance, even in BDSM. Send a card http://www.kinkycards.com, leave a flogger or new toy around with a suggestive note, prepare a meal that the Dominant likes, and then maybe send some nice new porn to your Dominant's email addy. Talk about what you feel to your significant Other. Whatever gender you are, it does not hurt to kickstart things with romantic gestures and intimate chat.

Beyond that, if the Dominant still does not take an interest, maybe pursue a non-kink interest together to promote intimacy.

(in reply to infyniti)
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RE: How does one fix that " slump" in the lif... - 8/27/2004 2:23:00 PM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: proudsub

quote:

This might seem like an obvious answer, but might it be related to women reaching their sexual peak at close to 40, while after 16 it's all downhill for men?



I'm 32. If I am to peek more sexualy, then watch out world!


LOL. I think i'm at my peak now at 58


Yes... women seem to have it at such different times. Who made up this myth??

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to proudsub)
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RE: How does one fix that " slump" in the lif... - 8/27/2004 2:28:36 PM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: NoCalOwnerthere's no denying that a guy in his mid-40s does NOT have the libido of a 5-6 times a day teenager


Ummm... I know men who blow a hole right through that theory of yours. Then again, maybe I arouse something in them <weg>.

And since I've been following the slightly off topic thread in a few of my last posts, I want to add that I agree with the idea that finding ways to get in the mood is excellent. If you think it is temporary and just needs a little boost, then no need to over dramatize things with a talk and turn something that is not really an issue into one. But if things seem to snowball, then a talk is necessary, yes.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to NoCalOwner)
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RE: How does one fix that " slump" in the lif... - 8/27/2004 3:40:01 PM   
NoCalOwner


Posts: 241
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika

quote:

ORIGINAL: NoCalOwnerthere's no denying that a guy in his mid-40s does NOT have the libido of a 5-6 times a day teenager


Ummm... I know men who blow a hole right through that theory of yours. Then again, maybe I arouse something in them <weg>.


Ah, that's what's known as "Coolidge effect." If you take a male rat, hamster or guinea pig and put him in a cage with familiar females, he will mate with them until sated. If you, at that point, throw in an unfamiliar female, the male, however exhausted, will *always* rise to the occasion, and may even cut the foreplay short in his hurry to mate with her. As you may have noticed, people can experience Coolidge effect too. Especially with those who arouse something in them <weg>. But I was thinking of sustained rate with a single partner. If you know a guy who's 45+ and boinking his wife 2200 times a year, then... damn! He should write to the Guiness Book people or something.

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RE: How does one fix that " slump" in the lif... - 8/27/2004 5:13:11 PM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NoCalOwnerIf you know a guy who's 45+ and boinking his wife 2200 times a year, then... damn! He should write to the Guiness Book people or something.

Or finding a hobby!

Yes, I guess I was referring to 5-6 times a day on an occasional basis. Then again, if it was 5-6 times a day, every day, it would become monotonous. Too much of a good thing is still too much.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

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RE: How does one fix that " slump" in the lif... - 8/27/2004 11:12:22 PM   
ShrewWhisperer


Posts: 63
Joined: 8/26/2004
Status: offline 		Take a walk in a bad neighborhood, tease an angry dog....when life loses its zest, ya gotta do things that will make you (again) a creature of harmone rather than responsible intellect. And if that sounds dumb, then realize biology plays a big part in the slumps that couples go through, the mind can overcome biology, but its a choice like anything, if you wanna do the dirty, then that has to be your goal in life, not getting the laundry done, not making sure the car gets a wax job.

The metaphore of life being like driving in a bad storm on wet pavement is true, you have to turn into the skids, and where your eyes are looking is where you'll end up; look in the ditch and bam you'll end up in the ditch, look for in life what you really want, if its laundry, then power up the kenmore, if its a healthy sexlife, then make it the goal of life, like we all do when a relationship is new and we're so busy doing it that we don't realize everything else has become secondary.

(in reply to LadyAngelika)
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