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Scared ond Confused - 2/25/2006 11:10:53 PM

TheSoko

Posts: 1
Joined: 12/25/2005
From: Chicago, IL
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Alright, so I'm a 19 year old college student and I've known for a while that I like bondage. Now that I'm living on my own I've started aquiring a few toys to play with by myself, but obviously it's more fun to play with someone else.

So now I'm trying to connect with the BDSM community and it doesn't seem like what I'm looking for. I see almost everybody going for the 24/7 lifestyle which scares me. I want more of a traditional boyfriend but one that will tie me up in the evening or on the weekends. I see people putting themselves into what seems to me harshly defined sub/dom, master/slave roles, and it scares me. I'd like my bondage to stay in the bedroom, I want something more mutual, more of a 'traditional' boyfriend. I'm scared that I won't fit in in the vanilla dating scene, or the BDSM scene. I've already been through two vanilla boyfriends that didn't work out because they didn't want to do what I wanted to do, and right now I'm not comfortable at all with what I've found in the BDSM scene. Am I stuck in limbo between the BDSM world and the vanilla world? Am I looking in the wrong places? Are my perceptions incorrect?

< Message edited by TheSoko -- 2/25/2006 11:11:48 PM >

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RE: Scared ond Confused - 2/25/2006 11:26:29 PM

DestinyCommander

Posts: 30
Joined: 2/17/2006
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You're in the right place.

24/7 is but one way to look at the world, and there are many here who view it that way. But there are also many who like "playtime" (scenes) instead of a commited relationship. There's a particularly large number who are in committed, monogamous, almost vanilla relationships with some kink added for spice. And there's everything in between. No one type dominates (pun intended) this community.

Look wide, be patient, and you'll find what you're looking for.

Good luck with your hunting...

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RE: Scared ond Confused - 2/25/2006 11:42:21 PM

seaturtle50

Posts: 382
Joined: 12/28/2005
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quote:

I've already been through two vanilla boyfriends that didn't work out because they didn't want to do what I wanted to do, and right now I'm not comfortable at all with what I've found in the BDSM scene. Am I stuck in limbo between the BDSM world and the vanilla world? Am I looking in the wrong places? Are my perceptions incorrect?

Welcome to CM TheSoko,

There are as many different forms of relationships in the lifestyle as there are practitioners. It does seem to me that the process of meeting and being with one compatible to you and with your "kink" desires - is really not any different within the BDSM D/s, M/s, world than it is in the vanilla world. Well, except that the slang is definitely different

By way of what you said regarding the two boyfriends above, you indicate that you are not willing to settle for less than you truly desire. That in my opinion is good and half the battle. The rest is all about life, timing, and coming to understand yourself, and making yourself available to like minded potential partners.

One of the aspects of the "lifestyle" that i personally find most attractive is the way that each precipitant in a relationship gets to define their own limits, which is a way of stating what is OK and what is not - upfront. I really like that. When you find one that you are in agreement with ... the match is had. Then its all about two human beings trying together. Every once in a while, a lifetime match is found.

Enjoy the journey

st50

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RE: Scared ond Confused - 2/26/2006 12:05:54 AM

dincubus

Posts: 231
Joined: 10/22/2005
From: South Dakota
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quote:

ORIGINAL: TheSoko

Alright, so I'm a 19 year old college student and I've known for a while that I like bondage. Now that I'm living on my own I've started aquiring a few toys to play with by myself, but obviously it's more fun to play with someone else.

So now I'm trying to connect with the BDSM community and it doesn't seem like what I'm looking for. I see almost everybody going for the 24/7 lifestyle which scares me. I want more of a traditional boyfriend but one that will tie me up in the evening or on the weekends. I see people putting themselves into what seems to me harshly defined sub/dom, master/slave roles, and it scares me. I'd like my bondage to stay in the bedroom, I want something more mutual, more of a 'traditional' boyfriend. I'm scared that I won't fit in in the vanilla dating scene, or the BDSM scene. I've already been through two vanilla boyfriends that didn't work out because they didn't want to do what I wanted to do, and right now I'm not comfortable at all with what I've found in the BDSM scene. Am I stuck in limbo between the BDSM world and the vanilla world? Am I looking in the wrong places? Are my perceptions incorrect?

no i dont think your perceptions or anything are skewed. it just takes time for the right one to be found, and when you do you will know it. it is a justifiable fear i think. the thought of 24/7 can be overwhelming to some. just be patient and be cautious. the right one will come

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RE: Scared ond Confused - 2/26/2006 12:14:16 AM

HoosierScorpio

Posts: 164
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I can tell you my own experience when it comes to bondage and I hope these give you some encouragement. I have always been into bondage every since I tied up my first baby sitter. Every girlfriend I every had I would use bondage on them. On the third date I would be honest and up front that I enjoy bondage. I was doing bondage long before I found out about out about this lifestyle so I do not know what it means to be vanilla. I even got my first two wives into enjoying being tied up and played with. I did not get into the lifestyle not until after the first divorce so there is hope to fiend what you need and desire. I call bondage the lead on kink for it will lead you more into other things that the lifestyle has to offer. Just be sure you can trust the guy you are seeing to tie you up safely and he can get you out fast enough. There are allot groups out there who only enjoy bondage and nothing else while there are some who enjoy just spanking. So do not give up and keep attending munches for you can find out if there was a bondage group also you can learn about safety too. So just be up front and honest with those who you meet at these munches on what you are interest in and looking for. Be open to learn in the mean time so you can see what you like and do not for now. Remember allot of these people got into the lifestyle loving bondage and they have years of experience. Bondage is about being a Top and the person being tied up the bottom. Enjoy and get the Book Erotic bondage by jay Wiseman it has allot great safety tips things you will need to know. Also it is something you can accidentally leave out on the coffee table or cover up and then oops did not mean for you to see it. I am so embarrass for you to see that or the date can do two things run out or hey I love his books. What every you do do not tie rope to the mental leg of the bed frame for I keep bending mental legs to the bed or get yourself a futon great for a bondage rack. . Be safe and careful

< Message edited by HoosierScorpio -- 2/26/2006 12:21:02 AM >

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RE: Scared ond Confused - 2/26/2006 12:36:52 AM

IronBear

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Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
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Patience and refusing to settle for less than what you want will bring it's own rewards. One piece of advise though, Do not get so impatient or frustrated that you jump into the first collar offered. take the time to get to know the person even on a traditional BF/GF aspect. If you wouldn't jump into bed on the first date but would wait to get to know the guy, do this same thing with bondage games. Develop friendship and trust forst and then the bondage is all the sweeter.... At the risk of being accused of ageism, you are a new born in this scene, you have heaps of times to grow and bloom.....

“You gotta play the game. It’s all in the game and how you play it!”

< Message edited by IronBear -- 2/26/2006 12:37:14 AM >

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