RE: How to Present D/s to a spouse.

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RE: How to Present D/s to a spouse. - 9/6/2009 3:39:26 PM

Drummerpunk7

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I completely agree. Thank God for a local renaissance faire in town this month, otherwise there's nothing to do.

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RE: How to Present D/s to a spouse. - 9/6/2009 4:27:29 PM

Acer49

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Drummerpunk7

Quick background. I am 24, my wife is also 24. We were married at 20.

Long story short, I had an early mid life crisis and while away discovered bdsm and identified as a dom. I've done a bit of research and reading(Loving Dominant) but still consider myself inexperienced as I have theory and not practice.

When I left, my wife was told that it was to be with a "gorean" girl, which of course caused her to research it and she took it as being what I wanted and assumes that all bdsm is as extreme as the slavery detailed there.

When I returned I explained that while I could curb the dom inside of me to focus on fixing our relationship, I would not be able to ignore it. She agreed that once our marriage was repaired and I had a job that we could explore D/s(after a lengthy conversation explaining that Gor was not something I was interested in).

So here we are. I have a job. Our marriage is as if I never left.

I need to present my needs to her, and wanted to know how I should go about this without seeming threatening( I don't want to her to think I'm saying "if you don't do this I'll leave and find someone who will").

I understand that trust and communication are key, but my tendency is to be rather brash with the truth about things. So I ask you, the community, as to what to say. How do I present my needs and that I want HER, not just anyone, to be submissive?

While you may want your wife to be submissive, that is not something you can do. A person is either submissive or they are not. You may be able to convince your wife to be obdient, I suppose that is in the realm of possibilities.

When expressing your desires, you may consider explaining your reasons for these desires in an effort to relieve her fears

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RE: How to Present D/s to a spouse. - 9/6/2009 8:05:57 PM

DavanKael

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Drummerpunk7
I completely agree. Thank God for a local renaissance faire in town this month, otherwise there's nothing to do.

Lots of kinky people at Ren Faires; potential for networking there.
Davan

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RE: How to Present D/s to a spouse. - 9/7/2009 4:33:13 AM

ranja

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I am glad to read you seem to be moving in the right direction
... i forgot to say that the most important thing is to have fun together... and eventually your best skill in her eyes will probably be that you are so good at making her laugh (besides all the o's of course)

And if you don't like where you live you might move or do something else about it to make it nicer.

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RE: How to Present D/s to a spouse. - 9/7/2009 5:16:33 AM

sirsholly

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quote:

At any rate, you have sparked my mind to sit her down and discuss what it is she needs and what she wants. I know that by providing those things will likely earn the adoration I desire.

you desire adoration? The best way to achieve that goal is to be the type of husband that DESERVES adoration.

As i see it, your record isn't looking so hot right now......

And the fact that someone here "sparked your mind" to find out her needs and desires is simply sad. I get the feeling it is all about you and your needs. If it was not, her needs and wants would be well known to you already.

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RE: How to Present D/s to a spouse. - 9/7/2009 8:54:25 AM

DavanKael

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Holly rather hit the nail on the head there, I think.
Davan

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RE: How to Present D/s to a spouse. - 9/7/2009 3:05:32 PM

Aylee

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsholly

quote:

At any rate, you have sparked my mind to sit her down and discuss what it is she needs and what she wants. I know that by providing those things will likely earn the adoration I desire.

you desire adoration? The best way to achieve that goal is to be the type of husband that DESERVES adoration.

As i see it, your record isn't looking so hot right now......

And the fact that someone here "sparked your mind" to find out her needs and desires is simply sad. I get the feeling it is all about you and your needs. If it was not, her needs and wants would be well known to you already.

Adores Holly!

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RE: How to Present D/s to a spouse. - 9/7/2009 4:49:34 PM

sweetsub1957

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Aylee

quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsholly

quote:

At any rate, you have sparked my mind to sit her down and discuss what it is she needs and what she wants. I know that by providing those things will likely earn the adoration I desire.

you desire adoration? The best way to achieve that goal is to be the type of husband that DESERVES adoration.

As i see it, your record isn't looking so hot right now......

And the fact that someone here "sparked your mind" to find out her needs and desires is simply sad. I get the feeling it is all about you and your needs. If it was not, her needs and wants would be well known to you already.

Adores Holly!

Yes, listen to Holly. She's very smart.

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RE: How to Present D/s to a spouse. - 9/8/2009 2:07:10 AM

ranja

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sirsholly said:
you desire adoration?

and i say: what is wrong with that... some people desire weirder things than that

and sirsholly said:And the fact that someone here "sparked your mind" to find out her needs and desires is simply sad. I get the feeling it is all about you and your needs. If it was not, her needs and wants would be well known to you already.

and i say: i think it's good for people to get their mind sparked and use that spark to make a change.... i think everybodies life is about themselves and their needs... even the lowliest slave tries to make her life to her satisfaction...
The relationship is only 4 years old and the people in it only 24... cut the guy some slack!!

I respect hollies opinion and she might be right... but i see no need to jump on a band wagon

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RE: How to Present D/s to a spouse. - 9/8/2009 3:46:06 PM

ResidentSadist

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From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Drummerpunk7
Quick background. I am 24, my wife is also 24. We were married at 20. . . So I ask you, the community, as to what to say. How do I present my needs and that I want HER, not just anyone, to be submissive?

Thank you for the comprehensive background set up in your OP. There have already been a few books suggested and I add this one to the list for your research, The Surrendered Wife. It has specific relationship exercises and a guide to instill deeper submission in wives. See link in my sig for details.

Good luck.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

quote:

ORIGINAL: antipode
... And no, you don't have a mid life crisis at 24.

Check that one off as a fact.

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RE: How to Present D/s to a spouse. - 9/11/2009 11:21:58 AM

roland23

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Good Luck! It seems as though times have changed and people are more open. Back in the 70s and 80s, 99.9% of the single women I encountered were militantly anti-BDSM. My first marriage failed because my wife believed that BDSM was weird and that anyone who was interested in any aspect should see a shrink ASAP.

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