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Intimacy tainting a relationship? - 9/5/2009 3:44:26 AM

blackpearl81

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From: Home of the Yankees
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One thing I've noticed about browsing profiles on the other side, is that there are a fair of amount of "anti-intimacy" Madam's. (Sorry, I couldn't figure out the best phrase to use).

So, with that said, is this because of a common belief that intimacy taints a relationship? Or is this more of a filtering tool used to weed out the "do me" type submissives?

I'm curious because intimacy is a fairly important part of a relationship (to me, at least), and it seems that a lot of relationships based on BDSM don't allow for intimacy (then again, I'm sure that playing is also considered intimacy).

Thoughts on this?

_____________________________

~ Karma. Being a motherfucker since 1981 ~

Ms. Pacman was the greatest prostitute that ever lived. For 25 cents, that bitch swallowed balls 'till she died.

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RE: Intimacy tainting a relationship? - 9/5/2009 5:04:23 AM

gentlemanprince

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Simply ignore the profiles of those Dommes who don't want what you want. There are plenty of women who do want emotionally intimate relationships.

(in reply to blackpearl81)

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RE: Intimacy tainting a relationship? - 9/5/2009 5:14:23 AM

blackpearl81

Posts: 506
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From: Home of the Yankees
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quote:

ORIGINAL: gentlemanprince

Simply ignore the profiles of those Dommes who don't want what you want. There are plenty of women who do want emotionally intimate relationships.

Oh, I understand that. I was just wondering if others view it the same way.

_____________________________

~ Karma. Being a motherfucker since 1981 ~

Ms. Pacman was the greatest prostitute that ever lived. For 25 cents, that bitch swallowed balls 'till she died.

(in reply to gentlemanprince)

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RE: Intimacy tainting a relationship? - 9/5/2009 5:20:19 AM

MissIsis

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There really are plenty of women that do. I am not looking for that, but there are reasons that aren't always disclosed on a profile. Some of the submissives might be the do me, type, who are actually looking for a woman to do thing to them. To me, that is a top, wrapped up in the disguise of a submissive, or a bottom, which is fine for some, but not what I am looking for. Some of them, come across as being extremely needy & weak. Both of those things are quite unattractive to me. There are other things things as well, that aren't always listed. It may be possible to find someone where intimacy is something that may be wanted farther down the line, but it isn't the be all, end all, nor the most important part of a relationship for me.

(in reply to blackpearl81)

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RE: Intimacy tainting a relationship? - 9/5/2009 5:33:32 AM

blackpearl81

Posts: 506
Joined: 8/30/2005
From: Home of the Yankees
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MissIsis

There really are plenty of women that do. I am not looking for that, but there are reasons that aren't always disclosed on a profile. Some of the submissives might be the do me, type, who are actually looking for a woman to do thing to them. To me, that is a top, wrapped up in the disguise of a submissive, or a bottom, which is fine for some, but not what I am looking for. Some of them, come across as being extremely needy & weak. Both of those things are quite unattractive to me. There are other things things as well, that aren't always listed. It may be possible to find someone where intimacy is something that may be wanted farther down the line, but it isn't the be all, end all, nor the most important part of a relationship for me.

I have a question about something you said in your reply..

Don't you think it's important for a sub to be needy? Or are you talking about in extreme cases? ( That probably didn't come out the way I wanted it to.)

I mean, the common aspect in a relationship is that both "sides" (so to speak) are polar opposites - Yin-Yang, day/night, black/white, etc. If one is needy, doesn't the other side have to fulfill that need?

_____________________________

~ Karma. Being a motherfucker since 1981 ~

Ms. Pacman was the greatest prostitute that ever lived. For 25 cents, that bitch swallowed balls 'till she died.

(in reply to MissIsis)

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RE: Intimacy tainting a relationship? - 9/5/2009 7:03:29 AM

VeryMercurial

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quote:

ORIGINAL: blackpearl81

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissIsis

There really are plenty of women that do. I am not looking for that, but there are reasons that aren't always disclosed on a profile. Some of the submissives might be the do me, type, who are actually looking for a woman to do thing to them. To me, that is a top, wrapped up in the disguise of a submissive, or a bottom, which is fine for some, but not what I am looking for. Some of them, come across as being extremely needy & weak. Both of those things are quite unattractive to me. There are other things things as well, that aren't always listed. It may be possible to find someone where intimacy is something that may be wanted farther down the line, but it isn't the be all, end all, nor the most important part of a relationship for me.

I have a question about something you said in your reply..

Don't you think it's important for a sub to be needy? Or are you talking about in extreme cases? ( That probably didn't come out the way I wanted it to.)

I mean, the common aspect in a relationship is that both "sides" (so to speak) are polar opposites - Yin-Yang, day/night, black/white, etc. If one is needy, doesn't the other side have to fulfill that need?

quote:

This post speaks volumes, in fact it speaks for itself.
Thank you so much, for reminding me that I need to make sure I fulfill my submissive's needs.
Isn't that what women are for?

(in reply to blackpearl81)

Post #: 6

RE: Intimacy tainting a relationship? - 9/5/2009 7:12:39 AM

blackpearl81

Posts: 506
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From: Home of the Yankees
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quote:

ORIGINAL: VeryMercurial
This post speaks volumes, in fact it speaks for itself.
Thank you so much, for reminding me that I need to make sure I fulfill my submissive's needs.
Isn't that what women are for?

Uhhh ok? I'm trying to figure out if you're being sarcastic or not.

Anyway...I'm just saying - if either side didn't have needs that needed to be fulfilled, what would be the point of having the relationship to begin with? Isn't that counter productive? Isn't that one of the reasons of starting/developing/maintaining a relationship?

_____________________________

~ Karma. Being a motherfucker since 1981 ~

Ms. Pacman was the greatest prostitute that ever lived. For 25 cents, that bitch swallowed balls 'till she died.

(in reply to VeryMercurial)

Post #: 7

RE: Intimacy tainting a relationship? - 9/5/2009 7:27:07 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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In My personal opinion, it's not that intimacy taints a dynamic. It's that people need to realize that intimacy is not instantaneous. It's not something you can obtain from just reading a profile or even from a scene or two and not even just something you can get from having sex. There is an actual time investment required to build intimacy. Not especially something that many people want to hear in our fast food society. Honest intimacy isn't something you can find by throwing your ninety nine cents up on the counter and ordering from the value menu.

_____________________________

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Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

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(in reply to VeryMercurial)

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RE: Intimacy tainting a relationship? - 9/5/2009 7:31:28 AM

VeryMercurial

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Joined: 6/5/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

In My personal opinion, it's not that intimacy taints a dynamic. It's that people need to realize that intimacy is not instantaneous. It's not something you can obtain from just reading a profile or even from a scene or two and not even just something you can get from having sex. There is an actual time investment required to build intimacy. Not especially something that many people want to hear in our fast food society. Honest intimacy isn't something you can find by throwing your ninety nine cents up on the counter and ordering from the value menu.

Exactly!
As a woman, I would say that most women want intimacy when they are in a serious relationship.
Most women don't want instant intimacy, or intimacy chat from strangers online that
approach them with a list of things they want done to them.
The reason so many female Dominants state they are not looking for intimacy, is because
for many of us, we are not intimate in casual relationships.

Believe me, there is a very good reason that smart females would state they are not seeking
intimacy on a BDSM website.

< Message edited by VeryMercurial -- 9/5/2009 7:33:28 AM >

(in reply to LadyPact)

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RE: Intimacy tainting a relationship? - 9/5/2009 7:34:50 AM

OttersSwim

Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: blackpearl81

quote:

ORIGINAL: VeryMercurial
This post speaks volumes, in fact it speaks for itself.
Thank you so much, for reminding me that I need to make sure I fulfill my submissive's needs.
Isn't that what women are for?

Uhhh ok? I'm trying to figure out if you're being sarcastic or not.

Anyway...I'm just saying - if either side didn't have needs that needed to be fulfilled, what would be the point of having the relationship to begin with? Isn't that counter productive? Isn't that one of the reasons of starting/developing/maintaining a relationship?

We are not responsible for meeting the needs of others. Each of us is responsible for that ourselves. Certainly we -can- meet the needs of another, but that should, IMO, be done by inspiration and desire rather than obligation or responsibility. In relationship, I am resposible for choosing someone who will meet my needs. If I choose wrongly and that person is not meeting my needs, it does not make them bad or wrong. It simply means that I chose the wrong person...

_____________________________

I am on a journey of authenticity and self.

(in reply to blackpearl81)

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RE: Intimacy tainting a relationship? - 9/5/2009 7:37:13 AM

blackpearl81

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From: Home of the Yankees
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quote:

ORIGINAL: OttersSwim

We are not responsible for meeting the needs of others. Each of us is responsible for that ourselves. Certainly we -can- meet the needs of another, but that should, IMO, be done by inspiration and desire rather than obligation or responsibility. In relationship, I am resposible for choosing someone who will meet my needs. If I choose wrongly and that person is not meeting my needs, it does not make them bad or wrong. It simply means that I chose the wrong person...

Thats what I'm saying though - unmet needs are a big reason why we start/develop a relationship. If either side of a dynamic doesn't have to have his/her respective needs fulfilled, whats the point of developing a relationship?

_____________________________

~ Karma. Being a motherfucker since 1981 ~

Ms. Pacman was the greatest prostitute that ever lived. For 25 cents, that bitch swallowed balls 'till she died.

(in reply to OttersSwim)

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RE: Intimacy tainting a relationship? - 9/5/2009 8:14:46 AM

Andalusite

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Joined: 1/25/2009
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Some of them may already be in intimate, romantic, sexual relationships. For example, I have a boyfriend/Master who meets my needs in those areas, and a female playpartner who is married. She and I aren't interested in each other sexually or romantically, but we do still develop emotional closeness and friendship as well as indulging in S/M and bondage. Play can be an expression of intimacy and a way to develop more, but they aren't inherently linked. For me, it's similar to martial arts class, where I don't need an emotional connection or get turned on by hurting my sparring partners or getting hurt by them. My needs and wants within a relationship change a lot depending on the interaction with my partner. My Master fulfils me and meets my needs, and I have different desires, than when I had a submissive for 5 years in the past. Needs and wants aren't static, so when I was looking, I didn't have a checklist of that sort. I wasn't looking for a Lego module to insert into a pre-determined shape, but he needed to be compatible with me on vanilla, kinky, sexual, and emotional levels. Granted, since I'm a switch, I probably have more flexibility in that respect than some others here, but they might also find that they enjoy activity A a lot more than they thought they would, and come to crave it, and can cope just fine without Activity B if their partner isn't into it as well.

(in reply to blackpearl81)

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RE: Intimacy tainting a relationship? - 9/5/2009 8:42:09 AM

aidan

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Joined: 5/28/2005
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Personally, I always avoided playing with or contacting Dommes who wished to keep their subs/slaves/toys at arm's length emotionally. BDSM is wrapped up inherently with sex and love for me and a relationship where there isn't any kind of intimacy would never work for me.

That's one of the reasons I gave myself to Mistress. When I first visited Her it was after months of talking as friends and even though She wasn't looking for sex or play She still invited me to share Her bed, because She wanted to offer comfort to a friend.

_____________________________

Do what now?

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(in reply to Andalusite)

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RE: Intimacy tainting a relationship? - 9/5/2009 12:25:47 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

I am looking for a lot of things... and being poly, huzzah! I can try and have them. I am very kind and attentive (because I am an Auntie) but I don't just open up instantly. I don't expect that of others, either. It takes time to decide what levels of intimacy a relationship is going to have. I make it clear that BDSM is NOT foreplay, because there are a lot of folks that I play with in a nonsexual manner, and expecting sex from me is setting yourself up for disappointment. I am not going to say "I'm looking for the love of my life" when in actuality, I am looking for CONNECTIONS, in whatever form they manifest.

It's a lot easier to use a lot of NO words up front, and push away the do-me guys, the wankers, and the ones who are looking for entertainment on the side than it is to be open and welcoming in a profile. I wish it were otherwise, but years of being on the internet have shown the truth.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

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RE: Intimacy tainting a relationship? - 9/5/2009 4:19:46 PM

Wickad

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To the OP: What specifically do you mean by intimacy? Are you making reference as many have talked about here of emotional intimacy or are you talking about sexual intimacy?

Wickad

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

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RE: Intimacy tainting a relationship? - 9/5/2009 4:32:28 PM

blackpearl81

Posts: 506
Joined: 8/30/2005
From: Home of the Yankees
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Wickad

To the OP: What specifically do you mean by intimacy? Are you making reference as many have talked about here of emotional intimacy or are you talking about sexual intimacy?

Wickad

Well, TBH, both. However, in my limited time on these boards (Been a member for 4 years, but have been posting in the forums for ~2), it seems that out of the two - physical intimacy & emotional intimacy - the latter seems to be achieved easier.

Well... not easier, but... I don't know. Usually I can articulate my thoughts fairly well, but I'm stumped on how to explain what I mean.

I guess held in higher regard, would be the most accurate way of putting it, even though, being physically intimate would require being emotionally intimate as well, yet physical intimacy seems to be extremely rare.

_____________________________

~ Karma. Being a motherfucker since 1981 ~

Ms. Pacman was the greatest prostitute that ever lived. For 25 cents, that bitch swallowed balls 'till she died.

(in reply to Wickad)

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RE: Intimacy tainting a relationship? - 9/5/2009 4:58:25 PM

Wickad

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To the OP,

quote:

So, with that said, is this because of a common belief that intimacy taints a relationship? Or is this more of a filtering tool used to weed out the "do me" type submissives?

So does this part of your OP refer to physical intimacy tainting the relationship or being used as a filter OR do you mean emotional intimacy. Really, what I'm striving to understand is if you are looking for sex and not finding it here and thus wonder why so many Dominant women are (or say they are) opposed to sex with play partners? If that is the real question then I think maybe some of the answers you've been given might change and you might find a more accurate answer to your question.

I look forward to your reply,
Wickad

(in reply to blackpearl81)

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RE: Intimacy tainting a relationship? - 9/5/2009 5:08:46 PM

blackpearl81

Posts: 506
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From: Home of the Yankees
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Wickad

To the OP,

quote:

So, with that said, is this because of a common belief that intimacy taints a relationship? Or is this more of a filtering tool used to weed out the "do me" type submissives?

So does this part of your OP refer to physical intimacy tainting the relationship or being used as a filter OR do you mean emotional intimacy. Really, what I'm striving to understand is if you are looking for sex and not finding it here and thus wonder why so many Dominant women are (or say they are) opposed to sex with play partners? If that is the real question then I think maybe some of the answers you've been given might change and you might find a more accurate answer to your question.

I look forward to your reply,
Wickad

Well, I don't believe that there is a right or wrong answer to this. It's mainly for discussion and to get other peoples viewpoints from both sides of the fence.

It actually applies to both.

Me personally, I'm not looking for *just* sex. However, personally, I'd like for it to be available (probably a poor choice of wording, I admit) later on down the road, so it's one more way to connect with my Missus (if/when I do find Her)

However, like I stated in one of my previous posts, it seems that most dynamics are platonic in nature. So, with that said, is that because some feel that physical intimacy ruins the relationship? Or is it a way of weeding out the "do me" types. As in "all good things come to those who wait" type mentality. (Again, probably a poor way of phrasing it, but it most accurately describes what I'm trying to convey)

_____________________________

~ Karma. Being a motherfucker since 1981 ~

Ms. Pacman was the greatest prostitute that ever lived. For 25 cents, that bitch swallowed balls 'till she died.

(in reply to Wickad)

Post #: 18

RE: Intimacy tainting a relationship? - 9/5/2009 5:20:20 PM

Wickad

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blackpearl,

Thank you for the clarification.

From what I've seen on this site (and others) and from the people I've met in real-time, I have NOT found that Dominant women don't want sex or emotional intimacy. The Dominant women I know are looking for sex, play, obedience, romance ... all of it.

In the group of people I know, I am the odd ball out in that I'm not seeking 'conventional' sexual interactions or a romantic relationship with a boy. Now, just what conventional sex means becomes the real question - lol.

For myself, I seek to define my own relationship. I am not interested in a morphed copy of a vanilla, romantic style relationship. This is my choice, just as it is for many folks (men and women alike) to seek out a romantic, sexual, sm, D/s relationship. It all comes down to knowing what you want and need and having the courage to stand by those needs.

Good luck in your search,
Wickad

(in reply to blackpearl81)

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RE: Intimacy tainting a relationship? - 9/5/2009 5:23:01 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
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I must have physical and emotional intimacy in my relationships with a submissive. Even with friends there tends to be an intimacy factor. I wouldn't want it any other way. I cannot feed off of someone I don't care about and share many things with and I doubt many could feed off of me because I am not inspired or feel'in it unless something more is there.

There is a minimum of connection that I must have to start things. Then things grow from there. But until that connection... I have no interest.

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!

(in reply to blackpearl81)

Post #: 20

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