RE: Accepting Service With Grace

RE: Accepting Service With Grace (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion

Message

daintydimples -> RE: Accepting Service With Grace (9/6/2009 1:29:38 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: littlesarbonn I hope this doesn't start an argument, but it is a bit confrontational. But personally, I believe there are a LOT of dominants who think they accept service with grace and will pontificate a lot about it but don't actually do it. In their minds, they think they do all the right things, but in practice, they generally don't. I've run across a number of dominants in my time who were exactly this fit. I'm not even just talking about the ones that I served, but I've been in contact with a LOT of dominants over the years. And what will happen is that their relationship will go sour, and they'll attribute it to a lot of other reasons (compatibility, "wasn't what I was looking for", not a true submissive), but what really happened was that the submissive was trying really hard but after awhile started to think, "why am I wasting my times with this person?" For a long period of time, I was an officer of several bdsm organizations, and I always seemed to be the "counselor", ie, the one people liked to talk to when things weren't working out. I used to hear this sort of thing all of the time, and if I had a dime for every time I was asked, "why does my slave not appreciate me more?", I'd actually be able to pay my rent this month. It got to be an almost expected dialogue that went: "Have you thought about showing him you appreciate him more?" and the inevitable response of "He's a slave. It doesn't work that way." And then I'd have conversations with other dominants AFTER the inevitable breakup between the two, and they'd always agree with me that THAT is what should have been done, and then a few months later, THAT "knowing" dominant would be in the same boat, and there would be that expected dialogue again. It's one of those subtleties that I don't think a lot of dominants even realize, especially the total control crowd who quite often don't even believe the issue has any merit. Yet, they still keep finding themselves having to look for someone new because "something" didn't work out. This is so very true; I have noticed it myself. And especially in couples past the courting stage. Personally, I think everyone who serves, in whatever capacity, likes to know their service is appreciated. It doesn't mater if the person is your slave of ten years or the waitress at your favorite restaurant. Even a small amount of appreciation (if sincere) can go a long way.

Lockit -> RE: Accepting Service With Grace (9/6/2009 1:59:36 PM)
Dang... I've gotten into more trouble becasue I was too encouraging, nice, polite and gave thanks for them. I think some just wanted me battering them all the time, which wasn't going to happen. I think this is actually a couple's thing that goes outside of what we do. The men I counseled gave the number one reason their relationships did not work out as not being appreciated or seen. That said something to me and I paid attention. It was on the women's list, just a bit farther down, but then most the women I worked with were in major crisis and that should be lower on the list.

Falkenstein -> RE: Accepting Service With Grace (9/6/2009 2:44:17 PM)
I am very happy to see that I am not the only one who think that one must act like a gentleman in any situation. I also noticed that the weirdest things can be asked -- or required -- in a calm and polite tone, I think it smoothe both and a relaxed person will more probably accept and to what is told. I travel a lot, stay most of the nights of a year in hotels, and my comfort is highly depend on all the "little hands" who serve me, reserve my room etc. So I treat them politely, or even nicely, well like human beings, which, in some culture earns me quite a few raised elbows or eyesbrows. To bad I cannot care less. Kinky regards Henry

sravaka -> RE: Accepting Service With Grace (9/6/2009 3:01:14 PM)
totally agreed with littlesarbonne (and many others) though I do not come at it with his broad experience.... One of the worse/most perplexing things for me to feel as a submissive is the so-called (in my lexicon) "who the hell are you" feeling. It's disorienting and makes me wary, in a way that risks carrying over into situations where it isn't really merited. Maybe it comes down to how you were raised, or something? But bald commands, esp. in the very early stages of a relationship are nowhere near as effective as polite ones. It's not so much that I imagine I deserve or need courtesy always/everywhere/infinitely as that I find the kind of dominance that doesn't fear courtesy to be so much more compelling. How dominant is it to have to sound like an entitled jerk? I see weaknesses in that, and don't want to associate with it. "Please," and "thank you" and physical manifestations thereof, by contrast, make me hopelessly warm and fuzzy. ::shrugs:: another two cents from the other side of the kneel.

CallaFirestormBW -> RE: Accepting Service With Grace (9/6/2009 3:04:10 PM)
~fast reply~ Sometimes, I am busy, and having someone taking care of things behind the scenes, so I don't have to worry about it is an amazing blessing, but I believe that being gracious, both in giving direction and in receiving service, is a vital part, for me, of my relationships -- especially because service is the major aspect of my relationships. Were I to fail in my appreciation of the artistry used to assure that my life is smooth and comfortable, I am relatively certain that a servant would find it difficult to continue to find motivation to provide peak service. Dame Calla

daintydimples -> RE: Accepting Service With Grace (9/6/2009 3:11:52 PM)
I think this issue is about more than being gracious (although that certainly helps). It's about being able to express your appreciation for your submissive OFTEN, and realizing you need to. I think many subs would be reluctant to ask for this unless things got really bad, and by that point you have damaged the relationship.

CaringandReal -> RE: Accepting Service With Grace (9/6/2009 6:21:41 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sravaka totally agreed with littlesarbonne (and many others) though I do not come at it with his broad experience.... One of the worse/most perplexing things for me to feel as a submissive is the so-called (in my lexicon) "who the hell are you" feeling. It's disorienting and makes me wary, in a way that risks carrying over into situations where it isn't really merited. Maybe it comes down to how you were raised, or something? But bald commands, esp. in the very early stages of a relationship are nowhere near as effective as polite ones. It's not so much that I imagine I deserve or need courtesy always/everywhere/infinitely as that I find the kind of dominance that doesn't fear courtesy to be so much more compelling. How dominant is it to have to sound like an entitled jerk? I see weaknesses in that, and don't want to associate with it. "Please," and "thank you" and physical manifestations thereof, by contrast, make me hopelessly warm and fuzzy. ::shrugs:: another two cents from the other side of the kneel. It's an odd thing you're describing but very true. So many (I guess they're inexperiened?) dominants start barking these abrupt rude orders even before they begin to dominate you (their profiles contain them, usually in all capital letters) or in the earliest stages of getting to know someone. I guess they imagine that's how you appear dominant or that submissives expect that? (shrug) But the dominants that have caught my attention and excited my desire to serve them have all started out with with unusual politeness. Although they were also careful to show their dominant side as well, they did not direct that side at me in a rough or brusque or rude way, until certain understandings were reached between us. After things reach a certain stage, a skilled dominant will sense that he's free to act the way those other dominants start out by acting, if he wants to, knowing it will no longer break anything or cause the submissive bolt. What defines that point? While not an instant transition, but rather something that builds over time, I think it's when the submissive reaches the stage where she's internalized the dominant. I mean, there's a view of him that slowly solidifies inside her, and this view includes the idea that the dominant is "good" or at least does no major harm, so even if he or she occasionally acts in rough or surprising ways later, the internal view is the more consistent one and it holds firm. I know the honey-flies analogy is overused. I like the wild horses one. If you're trying to tame a wild horse or any wild animal, you have to start out by being completely non-threatening to them, get them used to your presence first, giving them sugar or other rewards for being around you. Then you get them used to your touching them, in ways they like or don't feel are threatening. Only then, when they barely notice your touch (except to bask under it) do you quietly and calmly slip the bridle on. Those dominants who give the bald commands to submissives they barely know strike me as both impatient and clueless, like someone who'd never been around animals and had absolutely no sense of what worked with them would be if told to go out and "tame one to eat from your hand." I wonder who, if anybody, responds positively to that sort of approach?

CallaFirestormBW -> RE: Accepting Service With Grace (9/6/2009 6:43:45 PM)
quote: A quote from Charles Dickens "A Christmas Carol" (aside from the one in my sig line) sums up my views toward the situation very well. " He became as good a friend, as good a master, and as good a man, as the good old city knew, or any other good old city, town, or borough, in the good old world."If you recall the story, this is after his change from cruel and frightening into a kind, generous and loving person. The people that are able to give kindness and understanding, more often than not, have scores of people actually wishing to follow and serve and help them to the best of their abilities. As opposed to a handfull of people who serve because they're forced to. I just had to raise my voice on this one. One of the things that has been a sticking-point for me in finding servants who were a good fit for me, in particular, is that I do my utmost best to be a gentle-woman. I am opinionated, strong, and direct, but I am also dignified and respectful of those who offer themselves in service, because to me, service is not a job, nor is it an expectation... it is a -calling-. I will be the first person to say that, when I am under deadline, I am miserable to be around. I am often terse and abrupt, but my servants have, in the past, understood that such is a temporary state, and that their dedicated and invisible service during those rough times will be acknowledged once I can come up for air and I will make sure that they know how much their care was appreciated. I may not be good about it all the time -- I am, after all, human and subject to my own fallibility -- but I can say that I do my best to be a good Lady of the House. Dame Calla

Arpig -> RE: Accepting Service With Grace (9/6/2009 7:06:37 PM)
I was raised like Iron Bear, to be to be gracious to those who serve me. I thank bus drivers for driving me. Sure its their job, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't appreciate what they have done for me or that they shouldn't be thanked for doing it. I thank the person at the check out in the grocery store...without them doing what they do I would have nothing to eat. Yeah it gets me some weird looks at times,but that is just a sign of the uncivil times we live in. In a D/s context I thank a sub for services rendered, even if that is what they are supposed to do, a thank you or a well done is never out of place.

gypsygrl -> RE: Accepting Service With Grace (9/6/2009 7:25:25 PM)
quote: I think the largest type of respect I show Carol is to not waste her. This, I think, hits the nail on the head. I have a lot of talents, especially when it comes to certain kinds of service. If they aren't appreciated, in the emphatic sense that includes recognized and made use of, I start feeling off, like I'm a bad fit for the particular dom. I'm not out for rewards or thank you's, and can find satisfaction in a job well done, but the feeling that I'm ill-suited to whats required of me is one I have a hard time dealing with. Use me if you wish, but use me to the best of my abilities. Appreciate what I can do for you well and allow me to do it.

agirl -> RE: Accepting Service With Grace (9/7/2009 4:38:40 AM)
There's something odd about thinking in terms of who and how appreciation should be shown in ANY type of relationship. It just seems alien to even consider it, to me. Children of the age of 2yrs, in my family, can say " please and thank-you", and are already grasping appreciation and consideration and how to show it. It's deemed as natural, no matter WHO you are and would be jarring in it's absence. agirl

pyroaquatic -> RE: Accepting Service With Grace (9/7/2009 8:48:31 AM)
I pat on the head, "Good boy.." or "Thank you my slave" works wonders. Comfort... and being held works wonders as well. Physical contact and the like. Being invisible is no fun. Many feelings of hurt bubble to the surface and makes me wonder... "Do you care about me?" I understand the difference between a dominant being busy.... and having their head who knows where. (CaringandReal - I cannot stop laughing over your sig line. :D)

littlewonder -> RE: Accepting Service With Grace (9/7/2009 9:11:02 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: agirl There's something odd about thinking in terms of who and how appreciation should be shown in ANY type of relationship. It just seems alien to even consider it, to me. Children of the age of 2yrs, in my family, can say " please and thank-you", and are already grasping appreciation and consideration and how to show it. It's deemed as natural, no matter WHO you are and would be jarring in it's absence. agirl Thank you!

Whiplashsmile4 -> RE: Accepting Service With Grace (9/7/2009 1:02:49 PM)
While I enjoy service there is a limit to the amount of service that I will accept. When it starts to cramp my own independence to uncomfortable levels. When I find myself, telling them to stop trying to do (blah blah blah) because it's stepping upon my own space. There is a limit to the amount of service I desire and feel comfortable in accepting. When too much of a good thing becomes a bad thing. Back to comfortable levels of my own independence, where there are things I simply enjoy doing for myself. Hope this makes sense to you.

MaamJay -> RE: Accepting Service With Grace (9/10/2009 3:02:29 PM)
I think a key here is to never become so accepting of service that you fail to notice it IS service. Because you sure will miss it when it's gone because the person has moved on to someone who will actively appreciate them. I agree with others here who believe that being Dominant means modeling good manners and grace, not actively displaying the opposite! Maam Jay aka violet[A]

Page: << < prev 1 [2]

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.03125