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ORIGINAL: littlesarbonn

I hope this doesn't start an argument, but it is a bit confrontational. But personally, I believe there are a LOT of dominants who think they accept service with grace and will pontificate a lot about it but don't actually do it. In their minds, they think they do all the right things, but in practice, they generally don't.

I've run across a number of dominants in my time who were exactly this fit. I'm not even just talking about the ones that I served, but I've been in contact with a LOT of dominants over the years. And what will happen is that their relationship will go sour, and they'll attribute it to a lot of other reasons (compatibility, "wasn't what I was looking for", not a true submissive), but what really happened was that the submissive was trying really hard but after awhile started to think, "why am I wasting my times with this person?"

For a long period of time, I was an officer of several bdsm organizations, and I always seemed to be the "counselor", ie, the one people liked to talk to when things weren't working out. I used to hear this sort of thing all of the time, and if I had a dime for every time I was asked, "why does my slave not appreciate me more?", I'd actually be able to pay my rent this month. It got to be an almost expected dialogue that went: "Have you thought about showing him you appreciate him more?" and the inevitable response of "He's a slave. It doesn't work that way." And then I'd have conversations with other dominants AFTER the inevitable breakup between the two, and they'd always agree with me that THAT is what should have been done, and then a few months later, THAT "knowing" dominant would be in the same boat, and there would be that expected dialogue again.

It's one of those subtleties that I don't think a lot of dominants even realize, especially the total control crowd who quite often don't even believe the issue has any merit. Yet, they still keep finding themselves having to look for someone new because "something" didn't work out.

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ORIGINAL: sravaka

totally agreed with littlesarbonne (and many others) though I do not come at it with his broad experience....

One of the worse/most perplexing things for me to feel as a submissive is the so-called (in my lexicon) "who the hell are you" feeling.  It's disorienting and makes me wary, in a way that risks carrying over into situations where it isn't really merited. 

Maybe it comes down to how you were raised, or something?  But bald commands, esp. in the very early stages of a relationship are nowhere near as effective as polite ones.  It's not so much that I imagine I deserve or need courtesy always/everywhere/infinitely as that I find the kind of dominance that doesn't fear courtesy to be so much more compelling.  How dominant is it to *have* to sound like an entitled jerk?  I see weaknesses in that, and don't want to associate with it.  "Please," and "thank you" and physical manifestations thereof, by contrast, make me hopelessly warm and fuzzy. 

::shrugs::  another two cents from the other side of the kneel.

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A quote from Charles Dickens "A Christmas Carol" (aside from the one in my sig line) sums up my views toward the situation very well. "
He became as good a friend, as good a master, and as good a man, as the good old city knew, or any other good old city, town, or borough, in the good old world."If you recall the story, this is after his change from cruel and frightening into a kind, generous and loving person. The people that are able to give kindness and understanding, more often than not, have scores of people actually wishing to follow and serve and help them to the best of their abilities. As opposed to a handfull of people who serve because they're forced to.

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I think the largest type of respect I show Carol is to not waste her.

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ORIGINAL: agirl

There's something odd about thinking in terms of who and how appreciation should be shown in ANY type of relationship. It just seems alien to even consider it, to me.

Children of the age of 2yrs, in my family, can say " please and thank-you", and are already grasping *appreciation and consideration* and how to show it. It's deemed as natural, no matter WHO you are and would be jarring in it's absence.

agirl