RE: Distancing Yourself from Negative People.

RE: Distancing Yourself from Negative People. (Full Version)

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LaTigresse -> RE: Distancing Yourself from Negative People. (9/8/2009 12:55:14 PM)
I always figure if someone cannot tell the difference between truth and their view of me being negative, they deserve to get their little ego popped, feelings hurt, whatever. I am not spending my life walking on eggshells to placate a few insecure souls.

VirginPotty -> RE: Distancing Yourself from Negative People. (9/8/2009 12:59:39 PM)
I've learned WHO I can apply the greeting, "How're you doing" and won't bombard me with how they're doing. To them I just say, "Hey" and walk away. That's co-workers. For friends & family, I get to the breaking point when I'll just ask them straight out if they EVER have anything POSITIVE to say or do they save all the NEGATIVE shit for me. Usually works for a little while then it's back to whining again so I'll spend the bare minimum time w/them when in the same event but make a quick get-away as soon as I can.

stella41b -> RE: Distancing Yourself from Negative People. (9/8/2009 1:13:37 PM)
It doesn't bother me in the slightest, not one bit. I can be around negative people, and they can whine, and whine, and whine, and whine, and I'll listen to them, and listen, and listen, and listen, and listen, and... .. after a while (sometimes a long while) they start noticing that I'm listening, but not whining, not enabling, just listening, and responding in a positive manner. I don't make judgments, most times all these people need is a bit of validation, a bit of reassurance, and it shuts them up and they go off and sort themselves out. I do this for friends and they know it and know they can rely on it. I do this for people I don't know and it brightens up their day. It surprises them, It restores their faith in human nature. It doesn't really bother me, it doesn't change who I am, it doesn't change my being positive, so why should I let it bother me?

NeedToUseYou -> RE: Distancing Yourself from Negative People. (9/8/2009 7:26:17 PM)
I don't distance myself from negative people, but from people that have a history of bringing negative things in my life. People can bitch, all they want, I mostly think it is funny, if it is over the top. The extreme optimist, is another that is not to be taken serious. If they don't put me into situation that are harmful for me physically or financially, they can mourn the moon, or praise the sun, I don't care.

greenearth21 -> RE: Distancing Yourself from Negative People. (9/8/2009 10:39:16 PM)
if its a close friend or a family member...just love them (as they have loved you) but from a distance. I have a very close friend who is very giving and loves me, but he has a tendency to be negative. Negative about his life, sometimes negative about the things happening in my life , finds the negative in someone else' progressions etc. I still let them know that I love them by calling and saying hi, but I also let them know the reason why I don't see them or talk to them a lot is because they usually have a negative vibe around them and I don't appreciate having it around me. It's made it easier for me to say "oh XXX you are being hateful now" or something like that in a joking yet honest manner. I'm a caring person who asks a lot of questions if it means helping a friend or someone get to the bottom of an issue, but once I notice a negative pattern...depends on how much the friendship is worth (and how much therapy I'll need). Otherwise i avoid negativity and those who live in it like a bad habit.

JustStephen -> RE: Distancing Yourself from Negative People. (9/9/2009 3:00:46 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Aylee They say that misery loves company. Its true, misery does love company. I call them energy thieves because they drain you of all your good energy and leave you feeling drained but they on the other hand walk away feeling a whole lot better.

TurboJugend -> RE: Distancing Yourself from Negative People. (9/9/2009 4:06:18 AM)
quote: What some people see as "negative" is, in many cases, their reaction to having a dose of reality dumped on their fantasy. A person reflecting reality is a mirror, not a negative person. It's been my experience that people like to distance themselves from reality by calling it "negativity". Like the guy who predicted that the financial system would collapse...he was nuts..negative..and much more. Till it happens. Now he is the messias on financial matters...lol.

DesFIP -> RE: Distancing Yourself from Negative People. (9/9/2009 4:51:51 AM)
My grandmother collected grudges. I have a vivid memory of my mother turning to her and saying "Collect string! Collect aluminum foil! But don't collect grudges!" Didn't help. But made her feel better.

NuevaVida -> RE: Distancing Yourself from Negative People. (9/9/2009 7:49:10 AM)
~ Fast Reply ~ I have moved myself away from negative people. There used to be people in my life who, when they called, I could predict the conversation before we even had it. Voicemails would be negative, as would emails - sure this was their reality but if they can ONLY see the bad (and trust me, there is too much good to be seen for there to ONLY be bad), then I just don't want that in my world. And I come from a place where everything seemed bad, all the time, for a very long time. I had to make a conscious effort to shift my way of thinking - from "what else can go wrong" (every time I asked that question, I found out!) to "Just be open to possibilities of good." When I did this, I began attracting more positive and less negative people. Since positive is what I related to, I would spend more time with them than with negative. Now the negativity in my life is very, very limited. I have one friend who will still spew negativity from time to time but I pretty much ignore it when she does. I am simply not an available resource for her when it comes to that. We allow what we choose to allow in our lives. There are life-affirming people and life-draining people and we get to decide with whom to spend our time. I have found the life-affirming people to be the best option for me. Life is good!

blackpearl81 -> RE: Distancing Yourself from Negative People. (9/9/2009 8:26:37 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah I just don't get some people. On a Daily Basis I find myself in situations where the input I receive from other people is Negative. They focus on what is wrong and seek to share this wrong with other people and Oddly enough it isn't because they seek understanding or even advice it would seem that want someone else to feel just as shitty about life as they do. I understand hardship. andi is out of work and we are struggling to make certain ends meet. Little money we have it's the big money that we don't have but sometimes bills have to wait to get paid. My Hours at work aren't the full 40 we originally agreed on. The Midget is in need of new things and we are making due with what we already have. The Car I drive everyday is in need of new Tires. I could go on and on and on. . . . . . . . WHY? All things considered life is pretty fucking good. I got people in my life who love me. Set aside the two girls who call me Master and address that there are people in my life like my Mother and Father and I know they love me. Anyone else feel like they attract the most negative people on the planet? If so when you find that you care about them as people but can't stand their negative shit how do you distance yourself from them while also careing for their feelings. I mean these are people who are annoying the hell out of me but they are also people who have been there for me when I needed someone. The hard part is that it seems that they just wanna STAY Miserable. So what do you do? Steel Well, TBH, I think 90% of it has to do with how it's interpreted. I mean.. if someone is talking with me about my background/career, and I make a comment about how outsourcing is killing it (I'll give you one guess what my background is, LOL), or how companies are expecting higher education, but aren't willing to compensate for it, that can be interpreted as either being negative, or just stating firsthand experience. If someone asked me what was the last company I worked for was, and I told them "XYZ Systems", and then they asked me how come I'm no longer there, and I said they moved my job to another part of the country, and didn't offer me a transfer, I (personally) don't see how that can be considered being negative. Like I said, I think it all depends on how the person recieving this information, interprets it.

stella41b -> RE: Distancing Yourself from Negative People. (9/9/2009 11:48:31 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah I just don't get some people. You know this thread is funny, especially when you read the replies (especially the ones from our American posters, which all more or less say the same thing). I could say I just don't get some Americans, but I do. In fact 'Distancing Yourself from Negative People' is fairly typical, you know without a doubt Americans are the friendliest people on this planet, but they're also the most insecure. What Steel has touched on is the darker side of the American psyche, he's tapped into that undercurrent of insecurity and depression which drives a lot of the country's business and probably keeps almost all the nation's psychiatrists in a job. Sure, Americans are friendly, they want to be liked, but you know deep down many of them are shit scared, pessimistic, and somewhat unhappy. Deep down some feel that they are inadequate to deal with the realities of life. They're afraid that they will lose their jobs. They're afraid that after working so hard someone - either a government through taxes, or a thief through force - will take everything they value away from them. They take every one of these perils personally, They're afraid that their kids are going to grow up into criminals, porn stars, or.. even politicians. They're afraid that eating raw fish will kill them, they really fear heart attacks, they're afraid that their neighbours make more money than they do, that they have cancer, that they will die. If they're single they're afraid that they'll never get married, if they're married they're afraid that they'll get divorced, if they're divorced they're scared that they'll never meet anyone compatible ever again. This is why, and to prevent such terrible tragedies many Americans refuse to live in the inner city, they buy alarms, buy insurance, buy raw fish, go into therapy, and see marriage counsellors - I mean, how many times on these boards do we read the suggestion of 'you need therapy' or 'try to see a kink friendly counsellor'? Americans don't take kindly it seems to people who are depressed, and God forbid anyone who is openly depressed among them or out in public. The preferred reaction is of course - therapy, either with 'meds' or psychotherapy or both, and concealment. You see, Being Negative or Depressed not only affects these insecurities, it also messes up what we can call the Feel-Good Factor. The Americans genuinely believe that they are the best in the world. And you know, when you've got people from all over the world making huge sacrifices, risking life and limb and even swimming miles through shark infested seas just to get to the country it's kind of understandable they have this belief. Americans like to be top dog, Numero Uno, winning is part of their nature, doesn't matter how you play the game, it doesn't even really matter of you are winning or losing, it's important that you are seen to be winning. And why is this so? Because it makes them feel good, and feeling good is probably an essential part of being an American. This is why I guess that Americans spend thousands of dollars on books, meds, and various forms of 'therapy' just so that they can feel good. I don't know what the most commonly prescribed drug is in the States, but I'm inclined to put good money on it being an anti-depressant. I'm also pretty sure that lots of them go in for therapy, perhaps go off on 'self-discovery' camps, maybe even go for the 'primal scream' therapy and 'rebirthing' and so on. How do they react to any sort of adversity? They look on the bright side, even if there isn't one. These are people that when your life falls to pieces will tell you 'If life hands you lemons make lemonade' with a smile. They will look for the bright side as they look at their car which has been written off, and you know only an American can look at the wreckage of his earthquake or hurricane wrecked house and say 'Well you know I always hated that kitchen.' Notice how so many self-help books have American origins (yes, we get them here in charity shops) with titles such as 'I'm OK, You're OK', 'Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy' and the ever ubiquitous 'The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.'. And I wonder just how many American bookstores are full of these books, and how much space they take up on shelves in American homes. I could have written I just don't get Americans, but I do. And I have to admit that sometimes, from this side of the Atlantic, it's quite amusing.

allthatjaz -> RE: Distancing Yourself from Negative People. (9/9/2009 11:50:00 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: blackpearl81 quote: ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah I just don't get some people. On a Daily Basis I find myself in situations where the input I receive from other people is Negative. They focus on what is wrong and seek to share this wrong with other people and Oddly enough it isn't because they seek understanding or even advice it would seem that want someone else to feel just as shitty about life as they do. I understand hardship. andi is out of work and we are struggling to make certain ends meet. Little money we have it's the big money that we don't have but sometimes bills have to wait to get paid. My Hours at work aren't the full 40 we originally agreed on. The Midget is in need of new things and we are making due with what we already have. The Car I drive everyday is in need of new Tires. I could go on and on and on. . . . . . . . WHY? All things considered life is pretty fucking good. I got people in my life who love me. Set aside the two girls who call me Master and address that there are people in my life like my Mother and Father and I know they love me. Anyone else feel like they attract the most negative people on the planet? If so when you find that you care about them as people but can't stand their negative shit how do you distance yourself from them while also careing for their feelings. I mean these are people who are annoying the hell out of me but they are also people who have been there for me when I needed someone. The hard part is that it seems that they just wanna STAY Miserable. So what do you do? Steel Well, TBH, I think 90% of it has to do with how it's interpreted. I mean.. if someone is talking with me about my background/career, and I make a comment about how outsourcing is killing it (I'll give you one guess what my background is, LOL), or how companies are expecting higher education, but aren't willing to compensate for it, that can be interpreted as either being negative, or just stating firsthand experience. If someone asked me what was the last company I worked for was, and I told them "XYZ Systems", and then they asked me how come I'm no longer there, and I said they moved my job to another part of the country, and didn't offer me a transfer, I (personally) don't see how that can be considered being negative. Like I said, I think it all depends on how the person recieving this information, interprets it. I think your examples are good ones and I wouldn't consider them at all negative. Over a dinner with friends we may mix happy talk with heavy and full on debate. We may talk about a sad incident or try and put the world to rights but thats not negative, thats interesting company. Then on the other hand we had someone round for dinner the other day who brought up the subject of unemployment and the fact that she, as an English citizen couldn't get any because of all the immigrants. She couldn't see any positive side to immigrants coming into this country and rather than start a negative discussion we immediately changed the subject. Negative to me is someone who is a continuous 'Woe is me' type of person who's spirits you just can't lift. Depression may well be responsible for that and in that case its understandable but I have had people in my life who have continually off loaded their shit onto my shoulders but when I needed them they were never interested enough to listen.

Prinsexx -> RE: Distancing Yourself from Negative People. (9/9/2009 12:56:41 PM)
If I had a quid for every negative comment that was said to me I would be a very rich woman indeed. A glass really is half empty or half full. It would behove most people to get on a plane and go visit their nearrest third wrld country just in ordet to GET that at home their glass really is not only half full but that their lives are up to the brim and over flowing. I mean: supermarkets! cold AND hot running water. Schooling for the little ones. Boot sales, yard sales full of unwanted excess. Central heating when it's cold. Air conditioning when it's hot. C'mon people please. Wake up! I got whining students: can't do is the commonest phrase. I got whining clients stuffed full of negative emotional luxury. I got whinging neighbours moaning about the refuse collection being a day late AND the time it takes to recycle. Moreover I got people on this site projecting their crap onto me: a person they never even met least of all mailed or text OR took the trouble to find out about. I LOVE IT ALL. I LOVE THEM ALL. I EMBRACE OTHER PEOPLE'S NEGATIVITY. Transforing the shite has kept me in a very decent salary throughout my life. As a service slut I am empowered when cleaning/cooking and not to put too fine a point on it licking arse. As a slave I have absorbed a great deal of anger, pain, spitting and smacking that would otherwise be turned out into a non consensual world. As a submissive I have submitted to enough humiliation to shock even thhe New Yorker if graffittied on a wall. All the shit that fits. As a mother i have wiped crap, piss, vomit from the orifices of children for almost a third of my lifere. Cured colds, nurtured the under nourished and run a household and fed the five thousand on a shoestring. That's what the mothers of this world do amongst the debris of waring nations and the fuck wit legislation of governments. Get real. You know why? 'Cos when it's over it's over and you're a long ytime dead. Ain't life GREAT!

DemonKia -> RE: Distancing Yourself from Negative People. (9/9/2009 1:09:36 PM)
FR, after continuing read thru Fascinating. First, something for Stella. They don't all specify the U.S., but I'm betting they are. After all, aren't we Yanks the only people on the planet? [;)] from: http://www.greatestherbsonearth.com/nsparticles/prescription_drug_alternatives.htm Top 10 Prescription Medicines - from the pharmacists (in order of the numbers dispensed and filled, not according to revenues generated) 1. Premarin 2. Synthroid 3. Trimox, Zithromax 4. Lortab, Zoloft, Paxil 5. Prilosec 6. Lipitor 8. Norvase 9. Claritin 10. Lanoxin Much lengthier, not so easily copy-&-pastable list at: http://www.rxlist.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=79509 There's even a book: http://www.amazon.com/Top-200-Widely-Prescribed-America/dp/0721612636 Okay. Now, 'depression' versus 'negativity' . . . . . . Well, I'm gonna use some personal examples to parse this out in a little more detail . . . . . . I suffer from some fairly profound depression, like an eternal grey, cloudy interior state. My inclination is to pessimism & cynicism . . . . . . I have worked to re-train myself to see things thru a more optimistic frame, & most especially to language myself to myself & to the exterior world in as positive a manner as possible . . . . . Metaphorically, I work every day to turn some artificial sunshine on that interior fog of sadness & lack . . . . . . While I do have this bio-chemical depression stuff, there is what I do with it . . . . . Contrast this with the gal I spent a week with, down in LA at the beginning of August. She was my best friend in high school, tho' we rarely see each other anymore . . . . . . Because, while she may or may not have her own depression issues, she is negative. (Ostensibly, she's not depressed, FYI.) 99% of what comes out of her mouth is a complaint, spotting problems & crises, or some similar negativity. Really & literally. There is nothing too small or too big, too profound or too frivolous, for her to complain about. I tried to counter-balance, to be a good demonstration of positivity, but after about day 3 I just shut up & got thru the ordeal . . . . . She literally never had anything spontaneously nice to say about anything. There is no appreciation making it out of her interior to the exterior world, & it would be easy to see her as being completely lacking in the ability to be thankful for anything in her life . . . . . . (&, as a side note, it was fascinating to watch how the 'law of attraction', subtle as it can be, manifested with her . . . . . There was never any lack of things & situations presenting themselves to irritate, annoy, interfere, or whatever with her life . . . . ) & there's no 'helping' her, there are no solutions that will work, she's tried whatever one suggests & it has failed her . . . . . It is futile to do anything but be her own personal buffer, soaking up all that negativity & being happy & cheerful & supportive despite all that . . . . . Or something . . .. . I'm not strong enough to take that shit endlessly, personally . . . . . . & I'm way less so anymore . . . .. Mostly, I just don't have time to spend on that on more than the occasional small dose .. . . . I used to be way more negative, myself. & I note now that then, I didn't really notice the complaints or the other specific markers of negativity . . . . . & there is a strong thread of those patterns in my extended family -- the HS best friend is strongly similar to my maternal grama, herself intensely negative . . . . . Both the HS best friend & maternal grama also initially present as 'very nice', but time spent will expose the continuing negativity . . . . I note, longitudinally, that both are relative social isolates these days, tho' in decades past they had much larger social spheres . . . . . . There are certain other traits shared that contribute to or exacerbate the negative stuff: impatience; argumentative & defensive, hyper so, even; perfectionistic expectations; displacement -- many complaints are about something or someone the audience has no ability to do anything about, which leaves a lingering, subtle sense of powerlessness; . . . . . . There was an interesting moment of note to this topic during my visit, early on. The HS best friend wanted to drag me into the middle of her deteriorating marriage (that had been presented as 'wonderful', 'fabulous', etc on the phone prior to the visit) & I had to put my foot down & have a reasonable communication about expectations & appropriateness. I also shared with her, during that communication, that I had a limited ability to tolerate her negativity . . . .. . Sometime in the next day a friend called her up; HS best friend came to me after that conversation & remarked on how the other person was full of complaints & how she noticed that & noticed how unpleasant it was . . . . . . It didn't really change her behavior, but I don't expect that, I was pleased at the interchange. I haven't 'written her off', rather there will be rules, & much shorter visits . . . . . . & I'll be more intrusive about her negative stuff in future times, as a condition of our interaction . . . . .

Prinsexx -> RE: Distancing Yourself from Negative People. (9/9/2009 1:22:41 PM)
It's not just precribed meds. It's also OTC (over the counter).Here's a run down on the way we numb ourselves out in the UK on the streets... 1. Heroin - Popular street names include smack, skag, and junk. Street price is between £10-20/bag, 300,000 UK users and kills 700 people a year in the UK. 2. Cocaine - Often referred to as snow, flake, coke, and blow. Street price is £30-60/g powder and there are 780,000 UK users. There are 214 UK deaths a year. 3. Barbiturates - Popular slang names include yellow jackets, reds, blues, Amy's, and rainbows. Street price is £1-2/tablet and they kill 20 a year in the UK. 4.Street Methadone - Street price is about £10/100ml, there are about 33,000 illegal UK users and 295 a year die. 5.Alcohol - Street price starts at £1 and a huge 40 million in the UK use the drug which is responsible for 40,000 deaths each year. 6.Ketamine - A powerful hallucinogen, often referred to as Special K. Ranging from £15-40/g Special K has about 100,000 users and there is on averag one death a year in the UK 7.Benzodiazepines - A family of sedative drugs. The 100,000 UK users pay about £1 for 4 x 5mg capsules and 406 people in the UK die each year. 8.Amphetamines - Known as billy or speed. Street price from £8-12/wrap, UK users: 430,000 and there are 35 UK deaths a year. 9.Tobacco - Easily available in shops, tobacco costs about £5 and there are 10m UK users. A massive 114,000 die each year. 10. Buprenorphine - Also called bupe or subbies. Street price is £2 for 4 x 8mg capsules and the nummber of users in the UK is unknown. There are about 2 UK deaths a year.

Toppingfrmbottom -> RE: Distancing Yourself from Negative People. (9/9/2009 1:30:32 PM)
I have this one person I hang around online with she's extremely negative and extremely just wah wah I am a victim, very glass isn't only half empty it's completely empty and not only that it broke and not only that but now you got a piece of glass stuck in your foot and you're bleeding. We hang out online to play games together, so what I do is just don't engage her in any discussions that would lead to her very negative opinions and attitude to pour out all over me. We focous on playing the game and talk about the game and stuff, and that way it's enjoyable to both of us to be online together.

hlen5 -> RE: Distancing Yourself from Negative People. (9/9/2009 1:35:28 PM)
I find it hard to fight my own negativity sometimes. Here's a helper for that: http://video.yahoo.com/watch/111272/605855

Wolf2Bear -> RE: Distancing Yourself from Negative People. (9/9/2009 5:02:59 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah The hard part is that it seems that they just wanna STAY Miserable. So what do you do? Steel When they get too bad and their negativity starts affecting me adversely....I turn and simply walk away without warning.

petmonkey -> RE: Distancing Yourself from Negative People. (9/9/2009 5:50:41 PM)
"Misery loves company" seems like competitiveness in disguise or like a child having a tantrum for noisy attention sometimes. Don't compete or vie for their inward focus, just quietly listen and listen some more. When they've wound down say something that's an upbeat non-sequitur to see if they're ready to change the subject. If the behavior isn't rewarded or enabled in the way they expect they might stop doing it around you.

NuevaVida -> RE: Distancing Yourself from Negative People. (9/9/2009 8:02:50 PM)
Stella: I'm not going to quote your entire post but wanted to respond to it. I suffered from suicidally severe depression. I changed my outlook, which saved me. I chose to look at the love and possibilities life had to offer, and to plan on things going well for me, rather than to focus on the bad stuff. This has changed my life drastically. This is not insecurity, it's coming OUT of insecurity. And it's wanting to be around people who are willing to make an effort to climb out of their struggles, rather than wallow in them. It's having had enough crap in my life for so long, that I won't accept someone else wanting me to carry theirs if they're not willing to work through it. And while many PEOPLE (it's not just Americans, btw) live in fear and take anti-depressants, I disagree with your premise, in fact, I find it highly insulting. But these are your opinions and you're entitled to them. You find us amusing so enjoy the amusement. I find your post to be short sided and a bit sad.

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