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BDSM gone bad... - 9/7/2009 1:32:00 PM

SwitchyBabe

Posts: 6
Joined: 8/29/2009
Status: offline

I had a relationship with a dom who was really into hardcore things. We kept going up higher and higher and higher up the scale of crazy. Blood Play, severe caning so bad I had bruises for a few months, etc... I was enjoying it, but then it got to a point where he wrapped me up in saran wrap and used this huge unforgiving toy on my bum and it caused me to bleed... everywhere... I asked him to stop but he didn't and I ended up using my safe word a few couple thousand times before he really cut it out. Now I'm afraid to trust ANYONE to restrain me, when I use to love giving power over and being whipped and caned... I just don't like the pain anymore. Recently I was spanked and I could barely take it. I can't be pushed into that situation without being turned off midway and feeling like a bad slave because I can't preform how I use to, and how long I use to.

Please help...

Post #: 1

RE: BDSM gone bad... - 9/7/2009 1:42:32 PM

GoddessImaginos

Posts: 1493
Joined: 8/5/2009
From: A small blue planet near Alpha Centauri
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I'm so sorry your trust was abused in this way. Be patient, forgiving and kind to yourself, first of all, because what matters most in the long run is how you see and feel about yourself. You will probably receive opinions, advice and caring here, but self-love is what will make the most difference. Everyone trusts the wrong person sometimes.
My advice, coming from a Female who's been on both sides of the paddle: fine-tune your Man-radar. Absolutely No relationships with Males who have control or anger issues. Keep your self-esteem on high, and never settle for less than you deserve. Do not submit to just anyone because you have the itch to. Choose and cultivate a solid relationship in which there is love, friendship and consideration between Yyou, and worry about submission later, after real trust has formed. No second chances for any who transgress against you in this way. No casual submission or play parties ever, until or unless you put the bad juju to rest. Do what feels right to YOU, always.
My Two Cents.

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Post #: 2

RE: BDSM gone bad... - 9/7/2009 1:45:20 PM

SwitchyBabe

Posts: 6
Joined: 8/29/2009
Status: offline

Thank you so much for your advice.

(in reply to GoddessImaginos)

Post #: 3

RE: BDSM gone bad... - 9/7/2009 1:48:43 PM

Arpig

Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
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Well personally I would say that if you no longer enjoy being restrained or beaten then you shouldn't be seeking a relationship that involves those things. If you still feel the need to serve another,then seek out a power exchange relationship that doesn't involve bondage or whippings...pretty simple really.

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Post #: 4

RE: BDSM gone bad... - 9/7/2009 1:55:53 PM

lonewolfdecker

Posts: 2
Joined: 9/15/2005
Status: offline

I agree with GoddessImaginos.....Never pick a Dom just because he says he is...some Dom wannabes react the same way SwitchyBabe says her experiences were. Yet many Doms do push their subs for to become stronger, but brute force isn't the only answer. Many subs need encouragement to be pushed. And always, and I mean,ALWAYS, there should be the SAFE WORD.
Yet on the other hand many subs do desire brute force.... sadism and masochism is part of the culture. Be careful, yet enjoy......

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Post #: 5

RE: BDSM gone bad... - 9/7/2009 1:57:53 PM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SwitchyBabe

I had a relationship with a dom who was really into hardcore things. We kept going up higher and higher and higher up the scale of crazy. Blood Play, severe caning so bad I had bruises for a few months, etc... I was enjoying it, but then it got to a point where he wrapped me up in saran wrap and used this huge unforgiving toy on my bum and it caused me to bleed... everywhere... I asked him to stop but he didn't and I ended up using my safe word a few couple thousand times before he really cut it out. Now I'm afraid to trust ANYONE to restrain me, when I use to love giving power over and being whipped and caned... I just don't like the pain anymore. Recently I was spanked and I could barely take it. I can't be pushed into that situation without being turned off midway and feeling like a bad slave because I can't preform how I use to, and how long I use to.

Please help...

I have a question.

Are you still with him or seeing him?

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Post #: 6

RE: BDSM gone bad... - 9/7/2009 1:59:02 PM

Joseff

Posts: 505
Joined: 6/2/2007
Status: offline

It sounds like a bad experiance has given you a little post traumatic stress. This might ease with time, but you may want to consider professional counciling. Although you will get advice here, understand that most of us are not qualified to help you.. I'm sure you can learn to trust again, but it is going to take some time. Your partner ignored your safeword, and that is never acceptable. Do not assume that this is because you did something wrong, no matter how extreme the things you enjoyed were, there is always a limit, a point when it becomes too much. You were taken past that limit, against your consent. It is understandable that you have problems after an event like that. Give yourself the time and resources to heal. Your case can serve as a caution to others, reminding us of the potential danger in what we do, the more extreme the play, the more potential for damage when it all goes wrong.

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This is gonna hurt...

Joseff

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Post #: 7

RE: BDSM gone bad... - 9/7/2009 2:05:10 PM

gracesky

Posts: 26
Joined: 7/29/2009
Status: offline

*hugs* time will heal some of it, but trusting someone else is going to be a hard battle. becareful and dont push yourself too hard

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Post #: 8

RE: BDSM gone bad... - 9/7/2009 2:17:01 PM

sexisubi

Posts: 373
Joined: 11/23/2008
Status: offline

wow, this sounds like a hard situation, i am sorry that someone would ever treat anyone like that. i do hope you got out of that situation with him. i would agree that not playing hard for awhile could help. i also would say really get to know and trust someone before you do. the more trust you have the more pleasurable it will be. Communication is key in any relationship, i would tell the person before you play what happened, so they know to go easy, be careful and really try and connect with how you're feeling. always make a safe word, and know that not all submissives like pain, and there are a lot of doms that enjoy the mental side of domination more then the physical side too. you can always start here and work your way up. after a situation like this i think a lot of people including myself would get scared and not enjoy pain at all too. once you tell someone this i am almost certain your new dom (--when you're -ready- for a new dom--) will understand that.

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Post #: 9

RE: BDSM gone bad... - 9/7/2009 2:48:20 PM

porcelaine

Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SwitchyBabe

I had a relationship with a dom who was really into hardcore things. We kept going up higher and higher and higher up the scale of crazy. Blood Play, severe caning so bad I had bruises for a few months, etc... I was enjoying it, but then it got to a point where he wrapped me up in saran wrap and used this huge unforgiving toy on my bum and it caused me to bleed... everywhere... I asked him to stop but he didn't and I ended up using my safe word a few couple thousand times before he really cut it out. Now I'm afraid to trust ANYONE to restrain me, when I use to love giving power over and being whipped and caned... I just don't like the pain anymore. Recently I was spanked and I could barely take it. I can't be pushed into that situation without being turned off midway and feeling like a bad slave because I can't preform how I use to, and how long I use to.

Please help...

something isn't adding up here. you describe the acts as crazy, yet you willingly engaged in them. even suffering bruises for several months, yet this was perfectly acceptable to you. you've admitted that you were aware of his interests and elected to get involved with him anyway. which lead to the inevitable progression of acts which is commonplace when trust between two parties expand.

now in all situations there are two sides of a story and the truth. i would think in some measure if this aspect of play was as crazy as you've conveyed you'd have stopped participating long before the incident you've described took place. you spoke of resorting to your safe word, which gives an implication that it wasn't used before. please correct me if i'm wrong.

it would seem based on what you're stating that you were moving towards a direction that had a different dynamic and style of play. yet you present the details as if you were carried away by some current and shared an incident where the safe word wasn't respected. which is to say that these things don't usually happen overnight. it is a marked progression and things intensify sharply. i would be shocked if there was no discussion about relinquishing your safe word or how it would be utilized. but stranger things have occurred.

which leads me to the following questions...

have you asked him to stop in the past, or was that an isolated experience? if so, what was his response?
did he ever indicate why he didn't stop when you protested? have you taken any responsibility for this situation or merely placed the blame in his lap instead?

it really takes two to tangle. if you're playing in this manner the risks are much greater. which isn't to say i condone exploitation, but i recognize the term can be skewed when things get 'out of hand' which doesn't necessarily mean someone was taken advantage of. it is called edge play for a reason.

porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to SwitchyBabe)

Post #: 10

RE: BDSM gone bad... - 9/7/2009 3:18:15 PM

Andalusite

Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Arpig
Well personally I would say that if you no longer enjoy being restrained or beaten then you shouldn't be seeking a relationship that involves those things. If you still feel the need to serve another,then seek out a power exchange relationship that doesn't involve bondage or whippings...pretty simple really.

It's entirely possible to have a bad experience with something, and be afraid to try it again, but still desire it. Instead of avoiding relationships that include it, I personally have found it more rewarding to build trust gradually and be able to edge into them as I feel comfortable with them. Sometimes public play, or otherwise enforcing boundaries, or even a little of what tends to get labelled here as "topping from the bottom" can be helpful in breaking through and being able to trust again - not just in our minds, but in our guts and bones as well. Once our bodies have learned fear, it can return a bit unpredictably, so we need to be selective about who we engage in it with. For example, I was fearful of restraints for a while. So, we started out with decorative rope body harnesses, which didn't hinder movement at all. As I got more comfortable with them, I was able to dip my toe into having it be more restrictive. I was able to pretty quickly get comfortable with complete immobilisation. Other things I didn't have a bad experience with, but *sounded* scary, and I was fortunate to play with a couple of people who gave me very positive introductions to them.

SwitchyBabe, it sounds like right now, you don't feel you can trust your own judgement about men/potential relationship partners. I don't have a definite answer for you, and it sounds like it built up slowly over time, like boiling a frog (they jump out if you turn the heat up right away). There *are* trustworthy people out there, including ones who are sadistic and/or dominant. Since you're a switch, sticking to just topping in your next relationship might be helpful, or ordering your submissive to top you to your specifications, or playing only in a classroom environment or only in public. Try to think through what you want, and what will help you feel more safe.

Even without that kind of fear, our pain tolerance can wax and wane with hormones, how long it's been since we played, how the warmup is done, etc. I've been a pretty heavy bottom in some aspects, and had bruises and welts for a couple of weeks from a caning, but was sobbing like a baby from a simple hand-spanking that ramped up as I warmed up, staying just under my tolerance level. Toward the end, it hurt even if he just barely touched me with a finger, and I felt like *such* a wimp!

< Message edited by Andalusite -- 9/7/2009 3:23:01 PM >

(in reply to Arpig)

Post #: 11

RE: BDSM gone bad... - 9/7/2009 3:34:57 PM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

quote:

ORIGINAL: SwitchyBabe

I had a relationship with a dom who was really into hardcore things. We kept going up higher and higher and higher up the scale of crazy. Blood Play, severe caning so bad I had bruises for a few months, etc... I was enjoying it, but then it got to a point where he wrapped me up in saran wrap and used this huge unforgiving toy on my bum and it caused me to bleed... everywhere... I asked him to stop but he didn't and I ended up using my safe word a few couple thousand times before he really cut it out. Now I'm afraid to trust ANYONE to restrain me, when I use to love giving power over and being whipped and caned... I just don't like the pain anymore. Recently I was spanked and I could barely take it. I can't be pushed into that situation without being turned off midway and feeling like a bad slave because I can't preform how I use to, and how long I use to.

Please help...

I have a question.

Are you still with him or seeing him?

I know it's not for me but I have to admit that it's an entirely brilliant question.
I've stayed with a sadists of this kind in my head for a long time after I became too afraid to actually scene with him again.
Bdsm in real time and bdsm in fantasy lalaland are two completely different things.
It was pride that stopped me admitting to myself immediately that I was not the kind of pain pig that that kind of sadist needed.
No shame. No blame.

< Message edited by Prinsexx -- 9/7/2009 3:36:23 PM >

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Post #: 12

RE: BDSM gone bad... - 9/7/2009 3:42:11 PM

stella41b

Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline

I'd say stop worrying about what was and worry more about what is and try to find happiness in what you do today with the people you encounter today rather than focussing on the past and possibly feeling a failure or disappointment because of it.

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Post #: 13

RE: BDSM gone bad... - 9/7/2009 4:12:55 PM

porcelaine

Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

I know it's not for me but I have to admit that it's an entirely brilliant question.
I've stayed with a sadists of this kind in my head for a long time after I became too afraid to actually scene with him again.
Bdsm in real time and bdsm in fantasy lalaland are two completely different things.
It was pride that stopped me admitting to myself immediately that I was not the kind of pain pig that that kind of sadist needed.
No shame. No blame.

no there isn't and it doesn't mean the person has been taken advantage of at all. but could be in over their head.

porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

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Post #: 14

RE: BDSM gone bad... - 9/7/2009 5:25:00 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Control isn't about pain or masochism. You don't enjoy that anymore, so don't look for someone who is focusing on how much pain you can take.

Focus on creating a trusting relationship again. And share with people you are willing to meet what happened to you and that you are afraid to trust as a result. A good dominant will be willing to go slow enough to build your trust.

The ones who demand you do things you can't? Tell them "We're not compatible, goodbye".

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Post #: 15

RE: BDSM gone bad... - 9/7/2009 5:51:34 PM

aldompdx

Posts: 538
Joined: 10/24/2004
Status: offline

BDSM simply does not include the criminal conduct described.

This exemplifies why TPE is a mere fantasy which does not actually exist. Everybody has limits, and surrender cannot be total 100%. The original poster did not delegate her authority for her partner to violate her boundaries, to violate her limits, to ignore her safeword, or to engage in non-consensual conduct. Surrender may include the delegation of authority to exercise power, but never includes a transfer of personal power.

Consistent with what others have said above -- surrender is an ongoing choice. Choose only the activities and interaction which you find to inspire fulfillment in your heart. Yes, it is that simple. Emotional healing takes time, and requires forgiveness of self (permission/choice to feel good).

Trust is more often misplaced than it is breached. Gain confidence through experience over time. In order to validate that confidence -- every person who surrenders should periodically test their controller by exercising their safeword, long before a limit has been reached. That is the absolute right of free choice and self will, from which all surrender originates. When asked why a safeword has been exercised, the self affirming answer is -- "I chose to use my safeword." No justification is necessary, because only you are the ultimate judge of your choices.

If one cannot own their choice to exercise a safeword, they also cannot own their choice to surrender. Absent an affirmative and intentional choice to surrender, informed consent is lacking, and the game becomes a bargaining mechanism of dependence without personal responsibility.

< Message edited by aldompdx -- 9/7/2009 5:52:01 PM >

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Post #: 16

RE: BDSM gone bad... - 9/7/2009 7:15:57 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Okay. You played with someone who ignored safewords, was into severe play, and was unsafe. Fortunately, you have suffered no lasting physical damage.

Understandably, you are spooked enough that you need some time before you're ready for a D/s relationship again.

I'm not sure where your issue is, unless you're afraid that you've ben soured on D/s for good. I doubt that that's the case. Take your time.

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

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Post #: 17

RE: BDSM gone bad... - 9/7/2009 7:34:02 PM

CaringandReal

Posts: 1397
Joined: 2/15/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SwitchyBabe

I had a relationship with a dom who was really into hardcore things. We kept going up higher and higher and higher up the scale of crazy. Blood Play, severe caning so bad I had bruises for a few months, etc... I was enjoying it, but then it got to a point where he wrapped me up in saran wrap and used this huge unforgiving toy on my bum and it caused me to bleed... everywhere... I asked him to stop but he didn't and I ended up using my safe word a few couple thousand times before he really cut it out. Now I'm afraid to trust ANYONE to restrain me, when I use to love giving power over and being whipped and caned... I just don't like the pain anymore. Recently I was spanked and I could barely take it. I can't be pushed into that situation without being turned off midway and feeling like a bad slave because I can't preform how I use to, and how long I use to.

Please help...

I think this will pass with time, but it can take a long time. :( I am so sorry this happened. Try to find soimeone understanding of how you are now, but who can also up the ante later, when you are ready.

_____________________________

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Post #: 18

RE: BDSM gone bad... - 9/7/2009 9:32:48 PM

masterlink65

Posts: 683
Joined: 11/3/2007
Status: offline

that is flat out abuse and cruelty. i would suggest talking to someone about this. seriously, how far is this from rape? not too far rally. get some real help. this is a tragic part of this lifestyle. i am sickened to hear about this kind of behavior.

(in reply to SwitchyBabe)

Post #: 19

RE: BDSM gone bad... - 9/7/2009 10:34:19 PM

Acer49

Posts: 1434
Joined: 8/7/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SwitchyBabe

I had a relationship with a dom who was really into hardcore things. We kept going up higher and higher and higher up the scale of crazy. Blood Play, severe caning so bad I had bruises for a few months, etc... I was enjoying it, but then it got to a point where he wrapped me up in saran wrap and used this huge unforgiving toy on my bum and it caused me to bleed... everywhere... I asked him to stop but he didn't and I ended up using my safe word a few couple thousand times before he really cut it out. Now I'm afraid to trust ANYONE to restrain me, when I use to love giving power over and being whipped and caned... I just don't like the pain anymore. Recently I was spanked and I could barely take it. I can't be pushed into that situation without being turned off midway and feeling like a bad slave because I can't preform how I use to, and how long I use to.

Please help...

First off I am sorry you had a bad experience with one who appears to have borrowed the title of Dominant from a Cracker Jack box. You never ever disregard someone who calls a safe word, Never

You are not a bad slave because you can’t handle being involved in impact play. What fool put this idea into your head. Your value is much more than to be a mindless whipping post.

Two points I’d like to make, one, when you are being whipped, you are not submitting to the Dom, you are submitting to the whip, the who holds the whip is moot and two, are you a bad slave because your heart would desire to ask for more, but the body has other ideas? I think not.

I know some people enjoy humiliation as it somehow helps them. I am sorry I guess I am old school, one who believe that one of our responsibilities as a Dominant is bring the slave up, not to tear them down.

As far as regaining trust, that will take time. You simply make it known that you have hard limits in whatever area you choose, and if they can’t deal with it, they need to move on. You do not have to do something you are not comfortable and do not let someone tell you otherwise.

_____________________________

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(in reply to SwitchyBabe)

Post #: 20

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