BDSM: Lifestyle or Activity? (Full Version)

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anthrosub -> BDSM: Lifestyle or Activity? (8/27/2004 3:36:24 PM)

Greetings to A/all:
i've been absent for the past few weeks as i've been feeling rather despondent over the difficulty meeting a Partner but don't want to fade away just yet. That said, a couple nights ago, i was talking with a Dominant friend of mine whom i've known for well over two years now (it's a long distance friendship). We met with the intention of starting a relationship but soon after, she discovered she has a serious heart condition and so decided it would not proceed beyond friendship.

Anyway, she made a comment to me about BDSM that i thought about for a few days. She said she thinks BDSM is an activity and not a lifestyle in the pure sense. i thought about it and started drawing parallels with other activities. For example, i thought about people who participate in historical Civil War battles or maybe a medieval revival. Everyone dresses the part, adopts manners and customs, speaks the language of the times, and so forth. There are rules for all engaged, roles assigned, and meetings for people to attend throughout the year as well as clubs and other social organizations. When not engaging in this activity, they return to their everyday lives.

This seems a lot like how people in the BDSM community function. There's the vanilla world to be considered when not engaging in BDSM, which seems very close to the above comparison. On the other hand, people often describe themselves as "living" the lifestyle but clearly there are limits to how far this can be taken in most parts of the world. So i thought i would report this and see what others may have to say about BDSM...lifestyle or activity?

anthrosub



NoCalOwner -> RE: BDSM: Lifestyle or Activity? (8/27/2004 4:28:20 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: anthrosub


She said she thinks BDSM is an activity and not a lifestyle in the pure sense. i thought about it and started drawing parallels with other activities. For example, i thought about people who participate in historical Civil War battles or maybe a medieval revival. Everyone dresses the part, adopts manners and customs, speaks the language of the times, and so forth. There are rules for all engaged, roles assigned, and meetings for people to attend throughout the year as well as clubs and other social organizations. When not engaging in this activity, they return to their everyday lives.

This seems a lot like how people in the BDSM community function.
anthrosub


I'll cast my vote for lifestyle. A few decades ago I did my share of wearing armor and clobbering people with swords. It was as you say. My experience of D/s is not the same, in that we really don't participate at all in the local kink community, and we don't roleplay anything. Yes, we have to act "normal" a lot, but that's the act, not the other way around. If I had to construct a metaphor or analogy, I'd say that, for us, normal life is like trying to keep it together when you're wasted and talking to a cop. D/s is like when you can stop trying to "maintain" and just be yourself.

Then again, we're probably kind of anomalous.



sub4hire -> RE: BDSM: Lifestyle or Activity? (8/27/2004 5:03:03 PM)

The lifestyle to me is not going to be what it is to you. If it were we could put definitions on items and that would be the way it is. If you look at dreads definitions I believe in the lounge. There are a lot of definitions and I'm sure very few people agree. If we all agree'd life would be dull.
For me the lifestyle is something I live day in and day out. That is me though. I listen to my Dom. He is not so full of himself he always thinks his way is the only way. He is human and he doesn't claim to be something nobody on earth can be. We disagree, that doesn't mean we are any less lifestyle. We always end up working it out in the end.
There are a lot of people who have their seperate lives. The people you will see only once a month at the parties. There will always be those people out there. If they believe they are lifestyle does it mean they are not?
I know of several groups that tried the "old guard" ways of life. Most disbanded or got into such heated fights the groups are struggling now. In all of my years those are the only ones who really tried to make something organized happen.
Respect your friend and her thoughts. To her it is merely an activity. To you it can be a lifestyle or an activity. Its purely up to you.

At least that is the way I see life.



pixieunleashed -> RE: BDSM: Lifestyle or Activity? (8/27/2004 5:32:49 PM)

I call anything that changes the way of my life as I know it to be a lifestyle. My work right now is my lifestyle choice. I like my job, luckily, but it changes my schedule, and how well/or not so that I live. My BDSM choices I like very much, but they also change the way I look at things and are now forever called a "lifestyle" to me although some may call it a simple life decision. Depending on who's definition we are going by.

thank you for reading this, have a great day,

pixie



subbiejenn -> RE: BDSM: Lifestyle or Activity? (8/27/2004 5:36:53 PM)

I feel it is a lifestyle...

It’s more then an activity to me, even so people may not see me living it 24/7. I am not "dressed" up for the part it is WHO i am.

No, i don't walk around with a collar on or kneel at a Dom's feet in public but i am still submissive, respectful and polite. Just because others can't see W/we are "in the lifestyle" doesn’t mean i am not still being submissive to Him.

Being submissive is who i am on the inside not just the activities W/we enjoy.



happypervert -> RE: BDSM: Lifestyle or Activity? (8/27/2004 6:14:13 PM)

As a coincidence the topic of lifestyle came up a few weeks ago on the ssbb newsgroup, so here is a link for those interested:

this lifestyle thing

As for me, I'd go with activity. I think the term "lifestyle" is overused so that it is almost a cliche. Though I have no doubt there are folks where it is indeed a lifestyle, as some have already responded here, I think most folks who use the term do so to be part of the "club".

I also have an aversion to the term "lifestyle" because it does seem to imply 24/7 and makes it sound like there isn't much to a person beyond that. I like to ride bicycles; that may make me a cyclist, but I don't have a cycling lifestyle. I mow my lawn but that isn't a lifestyle either. I consider my lifestyle to be all my activities and leisure time combined.



ShrewWhisperer -> RE: BDSM: Lifestyle or Activity? (8/27/2004 11:19:37 PM)

for me the life has always been like being a dog owner, there are times when a dog is a bigger inconvience than an asset, so then she stays home, but I never forget she's there and needs to be fed, needs to be tended.

Otherwise I take my dog wherever we'll both be welcome and don't go to places where one of us won't be, yeah I'll never be invited to the white house, but I've gotten better friendship & joy out my dogs than I ever got out of any politician so I'd rather have her around than sleep in the lincoln bedroom.

To carry the metaphore forward, if I take a slave to something where it will be frowned upon, I don't go. I won't be chained up by other people's ignorance or unsated desires and in the end I'm pretty sure my slave n' me will have a better time than whatever I missed out on.



MistressDREAD -> RE: BDSM: Lifestyle or Activity? (8/28/2004 1:19:07 AM)

for ME anthrosub it is both.
Being one whom lives a Alternate Lifestyle 24/7
everything that Me an Mine do is Alternate to the
way that normal society deems people should live.
Hence I am both a Lifestyler and also practice the
many activities thru out My day in a Alternate way.
sub4hire
My post of abreviations is not My definition of lifestyle
but only a list of definitions of the meaning of sum abreviations
that others do not know the meanings of online and that is
not all of them but only sum that I knew and hoped that
others whom knew other abbreviations to common words used
online could also post what they knew as well for those
whom do not know what the abreviations are. They were not
My definition of a Lifestyle or Activity with in the lifestyle but
simply a beginning list of abreviations commonly used online
by the masses. Please get the facts straight of what I post
befor using My name to define sumthing that is based off of
your assumption and not My facts, On second thought do not
use Me as your examples period being as you do not even know
Me nor understand My words.
anthro
depression is experianced by All for differing reasons and it
is not always just because of a Lifestyle choice. I know what
it feels like to be alone and especially when you have had
sumone for many years and then lose them and cannot replace
them its very depressing as well but in order to work thru
that depression anthro if you are not a part of a lifestyle group
in your area try and become one and get out and meet sum
people in your area that have sumthing in common with you,
and by all means keep your butt here online and talk to Us here
if nothing else. not being able to serve or be what is in your heart
and mind to be is not always easy to contend with when you have
to deal with a world that does not understand what you prefer
and that is another reason why it is pertinent that you seek out
those around in your area that have issues in common with you
that you can talk to about what your desires are even if it is not
sumone whom will be contracted to you or whom you will serve,
and if there is no place around start one up your self and you might
just discover many around you just like you to strike up a freindship
with.
There are many single folks out there in Our Lifestyle and being
able to find those whom have things in common with Us can be
such a weight lifted off ones shoulders when they feel they are
the only one in the world thats hurting the way they are. Take Care
of yourselfs well being. I do things like movie and read a book binge
and when doing either count how many things I find and see
that are Lifestyle related with in their context. Find a nitch that
you can fill that will take up your free time that you spend worring
about what you dont have and concentrate more on what you do
have.
ShrewWhisperer
Im the oppisite from You in that I am the one whom defys the rules
and folks whom dont like what I do and am the one whom has My
slaves act as I expect them to always regardless if in private or public
and I always act as I do the same way not hiding My Lifestyle and
go against the grain of the norm or the public as Ive learned that they
do not define Me hence have no control over how Me or Mine lifes and
work and thrive on a daily basis and I therefor d onot change who or
what I am to what they would want or expect of Me but live by My
Own means and ways and beleifs. There really is no part of My life
that is whats deemed vanilla in practice and any around Me in My daily
life know that I am not of the normal mode and their either acceptance
or nonacceptance have no bearing on how I or Mine live Our life. JMO



Interesdom -> RE: BDSM: Lifestyle or Activity? (8/28/2004 6:10:09 AM)

I think you have highlighted one of the two largest areas where BDSM participants are split.

There are those who play and have fun with activiites of Bondage, Dominance (which could be seen as D/s roleplay), S&M. There are those who have a lifestyle that can be defined by - or is possibly steered by - the precepts within BDSM - in this context we're really talking about D/s or M/s.

When I was introduced to BDSM is was into the area of M/s (perhaps D/s, depending on your definition). I quickly recognised my part in it: I've always relatated to my partner in a dominant manner and although I have tried "correcting" this in the past, I've never been happy other than as my woman's dominant. For me, then, BDSM reflects who I am and how I live (even though I don't consider myself a sadist and have little experience with bondage). It has helped me to understand my past relationships and helps me realise that there are women who will see my traits in a very positive light (hmm, so why am I single ... but I digress).

So I treat it as a lifestyle - a style of living - but at the same time I am happy to acknowledge that my lifestyle is on the edge of what it is fair to describe as BDSM.



Sundew02 -> RE: BDSM: Lifestyle or Activity? (8/28/2004 10:44:29 AM)

anthro, Let's say you are at a social event, required by your job, every week. You stand around in a rented tux, smile like an idiot to keep the bosses happy, thinking the whole time I would rather be home in my jeans talking to friends. YOUR choice would be laid back and talking about peapods or whatever. Does it make your lifestyle an activity and the jobs requirements your lifestyle? I am lifestyle, that means, to me, what I choose, what I do whenever possible. I am not the clothes I wear, but the person I am inside. I don't "date" vanilla men, I do have to interact with them. I need utilities, food, clothing, so yes I interact with vanilla people. But even out in the general public if a male is with me he will darn well show submission, even if it is only carrying my packages or answering me with a "yes, Ma'am" or he will be gone. My personal lifestyle is D/s, period. The social events, D/s or vanilla falls into the activity part. My employment is just that, you cannot and should not take your personal life to work. Sundew



MrThorns -> RE: BDSM: Lifestyle or Activity? (8/28/2004 10:51:31 AM)

It all depends on how you apply BDSM to your life. For me, it is a choice of lifestyle, but for many people, it is simply an activity that they enjoy from time to time.

~Thorns



smile2cu -> RE: BDSM: Lifestyle or Activity? (8/28/2004 12:41:31 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressDREAD
for ME anthrosub it is both.



I agree. Its an activity with me, but I usually get deeply into activities, and keep at it until I'm good at them.
I've gotten to be an expert at things as diverse as giving oral sex and surfing.
The key is always the same:
listen, keep trying, and practice, practice, practice.

~smile~



MistressDREAD -> RE: BDSM: Lifestyle or Activity? (8/28/2004 1:10:59 PM)


Ohhhh My what a great name
and smile to go with it, quite
charming to look at I might add
smile2cu. JMO
quote:

you cannot and should not take your personal life to work. Sundew

I disagree with this statement wholly in that My Lifeswork is a part of My total personal Life, and My personal Life is totally a part of Me and My Business, Work and Life. Of course I am a Dominant whom Owns Their Own Businesses and has always had All with in My Family be a total part of Our every day Living and work not to mention those whom live in close proximity to Us being also a part of Our Life and Lifestyle, Ways and Means for Employment, Entertainment, and Lifes Living. Your statement reflects the part of Your life that is vanilla and that You simply choose to live this way that is all but to say that One cannot and should not take their Lifes Living and apply it to their Work and Well Being to Me is only a personal statement and one based on societies bias opinions that does not in the minutest of possiblities relate to My Real Life or Alternate Lifestyle Ways of Living which is 24/7 and rotates around My self at All times. JMO



smile2cu -> RE: BDSM: Lifestyle or Activity? (8/28/2004 5:57:54 PM)

Thanks. I like it here, and I'm learning a lot.

I appreciate your posts. You're clearly one of the more articulate people here. Wish I was closer to Florida, but I'm sure you'd say be careful what you wish for!

Sorry to hear about Charlie. Glad you're OK, though.

Still not sure how to address you. I know I'm not supposed to call you Mistress, since you're not mine. DREAD sounds kind of impolite. Hey, You is obviously out of the question [sm=lol.gif]

~smile~



Sundew02 -> RE: BDSM: Lifestyle or Activity? (8/28/2004 8:00:47 PM)

Since it is impossible for everyone in the world to be self employed and if you deal at all with the general non D/s public with your business you still need to give a presentable face. As you have stated before, Mistress Dread is not your given name, all of us to some extent must be at least intelligent enough not to flaunt the law of the land. And of course since I am typing this, it is my opinion. Sundew



MistressDREAD -> RE: BDSM: Lifestyle or Activity? (8/28/2004 8:07:01 PM)

ooooh dont be sorry about Ol Charlie.
everyone needs to take a Dump sumtimes
even Mother Nature!.
I dont know if you heard it but I couldent help but hear the sound of roaring laughter at your words of My being articulate here on the boards.
you will apon reading much deeper into the posts here find that I would not be concidered one of the more articulate Ones here but actually HAHAHH oh Jah I cannot even write what I want to say with out cracking absolutly up!!!
leave it to say that I run absolutly everyone here on the boards most times totally bonkers......... your comments are accepted and notied however and brought a resounding laughter to My Home this evening. Address Me simply as DREAD if BDSM but if you are a Gorean slave you will address Me as Mistress with the added action:[ Looking towards MistressDread this slave asks to speak. Mistress?] or sumthing equal to a online address of a Free Woman of Gor since you asked smile2cu. ~smiles~[:)]



MistressDREAD -> RE: BDSM: Lifestyle or Activity? (8/28/2004 8:40:41 PM)

Actually Sundew the face I present to All the pubic is that of My Lifestyle Face. It is the same face I use for everything I do. And no not everyone has the ability to open and run their Own business, much less be able to pass it onto Their Children, But the abilities to do such for anyone are there it just takes the initiative of the person whom desires it to make it a reality. ~smiles~
Actually My name is GingerleeDREAD for short but I do so prefer to use the Mistress and drop My Real Name as this is what I have trademarked.
Of course those whom know Me know this fact as well. Sum of My Busineses and publishings are listed on the Internet. I have no reason to hide who I am for I know how to protect Me and Mine from those whom might try to harm and I do not use My Lifestyle name here to hide My real name as others do but simply because it is what I use in My writing, business and associations, and trust Me every single one of My Political Leaders of My community I am living in currently know who and what I am because I am making waves here in the name of My Lifestyle. Just because I have no need to hide who I am does not mean that others in Our Lifestyle do not on the contrary as I said I am the exception. That is all. Im not sure I understand what You mean by flaunting the law of the land...... My Business and dealings are totally legal and I do not see why You would think that I would have to hide who or what I am from those I have dealings with on a day to day basis. I do not. JMO



LadyShoshin -> RE: BDSM: Lifestyle or Activity? (8/28/2004 8:58:05 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: anthrosub

Greetings to A/all:
She said she thinks BDSM is an activity and not a lifestyle in the pure sense. i thought about it and started drawing parallels with other activities. For example, i thought about people who participate in historical Civil War battles or maybe a medieval revival. Everyone dresses the part, adopts manners and customs, speaks the language of the times, and so forth. There are rules for all engaged, roles assigned, and meetings for people to attend throughout the year as well as clubs and other social organizations. When not engaging in this activity, they return to their everyday lives.

This seems a lot like how people in the BDSM community function. There's the vanilla world to be considered when not engaging in BDSM, which seems very close to the above comparison. On the other hand, people often describe themselves as "living" the lifestyle but clearly there are limits to how far this can be taken in most parts of the world. So i thought i would report this and see what others may have to say about BDSM...lifestyle or activity?

anthrosub

Lifestyle for me, I have done the medevil recreation and go to Ren Faires to dress up & play pretend for a bit, then I go home to where I have my 3 part time subs, my bedroom wall covered in implements, my BDSM/sexual themed artwork and my kinky roommate. I go out with my BDSM friends, I go to BDSM themed events. My life consists of spiritual growth and practice against a background of BDSM. I don't have a vanilla life. In October I will cross the country to visit my 90 year old mother and role play vanilla, counting the days until I can get back to my D/s home.



theroebabe -> RE: BDSM: Lifestyle or Activity? (8/29/2004 4:44:43 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: anthrosub

Greetings to A/all:
i've been absent for the past few weeks as i've been feeling rather despondent over the difficulty meeting a Partner but don't want to fade away just yet.

She said she thinks BDSM is an activity and not a lifestyle in the pure sense. i thought about it and started drawing parallels with other activities.

This seems a lot like how people in the BDSM community function. There's the vanilla world to be considered when not engaging in BDSM, which seems very close to the above comparison. On the other hand, people often describe themselves as "living" the lifestyle but clearly there are limits to how far this can be taken in most parts of the world. So i thought i would report this and see what others may have to say about BDSM...lifestyle or activity?

anthrosub


Hi Anthrosub,

To me its a huge part of my life and like you i am not in a relationship and wish i was. But i try not to be despondent over it. Do things to be a part of the lifestyle go to munches, and demos if available. Yes it can be depressing for me to go to parties and such when i want to to be the sub sitting at my dominants feet, but i go anyway.

We (for the most part) live in the vanilla world, but i know when i have a minute at work i am online reading these forums, thinking about any i might be talking to wondering of they are a match and fantasyland comes into play. When i am with a dominant, they are the most important person in my life and even during my day to day vanilla activies. I do play dress up and go to ren faire as well and for me that is an activity.

To me the d/s and BDSM are a part of who i am and what i want for the part of my life that can be controlled. Work is one of those things that i have to do and therefore to me it is an offlimit kind of thing with a dom. If i have to pay the bills then i have to work its a necessity for me, but if i were having trouble with an issue, then i can see the d/s coming into play when it affected me/us outside of work.

I dont play at this, i dont dress up and then put it aside, it is always a part of me. I will not date vanilla or get involved in a vanilla relationship. To me it is unfullfilling and not fair to the other party.

Roe



LadyAngelika -> RE: BDSM: Lifestyle or Activity? (8/29/2004 7:34:06 AM)

anthro –

First and foremost, welcome back to the boards. Your input was something I’ve missed over the last little while.

Bondage, Domination/submission, Sado-Masochism are all activities in which the dynamics has the potential, but doesn’t necessarily have to, become a way of life, or lifestyle.

For me, these activities are a significant part of my life, but not enough to be deemed a lifestyle. An activity is something that you do on occasion because you enjoy it. For some people, playing kinky is comparable to any other activity. E.g.: “Honey, what are you up to tonight, going to see a film at the cinema or chaining me to the ceiling and flogging me?”.

Let’s draw a parallel. I go to the cinema about once a week and engage in BDSM type activities about once a week. I participate to online discussion on film as well as on BDSM. Does that mean I am I in a BDSM lifestyle? Am I in a film lifestyle too? They are both participative activities to which I devote much time too.

Then again, is whether or not something is a lifestyle measured by time invested in the activity? If so, a more important lifestyle would be grad student lifestyle as spend more time researching & writing on my thesis then I do in BDSM activities or going to the cinema.

So many things take up so many parts of my life and combined together they make up my way of life, or lifestyle.

This being said, BDSM is more then an activity to me. Being a Dominant Sadist is not an activity. It is who I am. I don’t limit my dominance to BDSM activities. I unfortunately most often have to limit my sadism to it, but some mental sadism always manages to slip out.

- LA



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