sskitten
Posts: 43
Joined: 9/15/2005
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quote:
Since before he and I got together, I have been wanting to experience being required to rise to a more challenging level of obedience and service, followed through with appropriate discipline.
I didn't really know what I was looking for before I met my Dom. I was glad that he had a clear idea of what he wanted from me. It sounds as if you are teaching your Dom how to be the kind of Dom you want, and what you want is a play partner who will attend to your submissive needs. Whenever two people are feeling happy and fulfilled in a D/s relationship, it must be working just fine. I humbly and respectfully support what you've got going, even as I share something in a different vein.
Today my Dom gave me a new assignment which I like so much that I asked if I might share it here and he said yes... but he cautioned me not to write a treatise, because I tend to be rather long-winded!! And so here I go, trying to restrain myself... but..... I seem to be irrepressible...........
[AAACCCKKKK!!!! Treatise Alert!!!!!]
(The background for this assignment is that I have not been living up to his expectations in a certain realm and so he has been "shortening my leash" even as he continues to challenge me. So I was grateful to be presented with a genuine challenge even as I continue to get back up to speed in meeting his basic expectations. With that in mind, here is the assignment.)
I will be writing my reflections for an hour next Tuesday, but he wants me to be thinking about this assignment over the next several days before I write. He wants me to ask myself:
"What can I do to go deeper in my submission?
What can I do to be more worthy of being owned and controlled by you?"
It struck me immediately that these would be helpful questions to ask myself on a regular basis as our relationship continues to evolve, and that perhaps any sub, whether in a new relationship or a long-established one, might grow from asking and answering these questions on a regular basis.
As I turned these questions over in my mind, I began to see that they could be answered on many levels. Of course my thoughts are evolving and I'm glad I have several days to consider my ideas. My first thoughts were of how to show my devotion. But then I began to consider that some of what I can "do" is to continue confronting my own mindset, to see if I can become ever more transparent... to see if I am ready and eager to relinquish more control.... to see if I can root out and conquer a pocket of resistance... (and yes there are quite a few pockets remaining)... Rather than asking how I can better manifest my current level of submission, I realized he is calling on me to dig deeper inside myself. He is asking Big Picture questions, and they deserve Big Picture answers.
I especially love the second question, because it reminds me that in the Big Picture way, D/s is not about *acting* submissive or *feeling* submissive. The words "to be more worthy to be owned and controlled" inspire me to seek ways in which I might feel increasingly proud of myself even as I come to feel increasingly humble.
Your goal "to rise to a more challenging level of obedience and service" sounds like a Big Picture and noble goal. But I get confused is when I read the whole sentence. If it's genuine submission, do you need to be "required" to rise to it? Do you need "appropriate discipline" in order to reach this goal, or is it more that you *enjoy* being disciplined? I hasten to add that I know we all need appropriate discipline, and I know we've sought this lifestyle for fun and fulfillment and there are countless routes. As you say, it's all about sincerity and pleasing him. Since he is new and you are guiding him, he is taking his cues from you. It sounds a bit as if you are saying, "I enjoy submissive games and performance challenges, so please give me more of them," and he, wanting to please you, has asked you to become even more specific in directing your training (and his). And I guess I start to wonder a tiny bit who is in control here, because it sort of seems that you are the one in control and he is trying to please you... and what pleases you is to be put in playful submissive situations. But.... is this submission?
I'm asking this because it's a question I'm asking myself all the time. It's very easy for me to *act* submissive but it's a whole other challenge for me to *be* increasingly submissive at my core. I think each submissive *action,* whether a bit gimmicky or more profound, helps us grow in our genuine submission. But I find it helps when my Dom says to me as he begins to bind me (or whatever), "This is to remind you of your submission." The actions and trappings remind us of our submission and might focus and heighten our submissive feelings, but they are not in and of themselves the submission, which comes entirely from within.
Does this make any sense or am I just rambling here?
[Sorry for the treatise!! I couldn't help myself!]
Kitten
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