when u r ok with something ..then your not, then you are????

when u r ok with something ..then your not, then you are???? (Full Version)

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Daddyssidney -> when u r ok with something ..then your not, then you are???? (9/10/2009 12:33:37 PM)
I have been with my Daddy going two years. I'm deeply in love with Him and have come along way. My problem is I keep changing my mind with what I'm ok with sexually. One time it's ok and I even enjoy it. The next time it's not and I even lose sleep over it. I don't even know how to approach Him about this when it is always changing with in me. What the heck is going on with me???? sidney

SilentSpark -> RE: when u r ok with something ..then your not, then you are???? (9/10/2009 12:45:39 PM)
the first thing I'm going to say is: Please write proper English. this is not text messaging, type out "you" instead of "u" won't take that much time. And it shows proper respect to others. now, for your problem, you need to talk to your dom about this. Unpredictable mood swings often signal deeper issues. Let him know you feel that you're having some problem with sex, don't hold back anything, tell him how you feel, but of course, with a respectful manner. If you have problem communicating in words, write it down. In fact, I've heard subs keeping a dairy and the dom will check on it from time to time. When you're having the mood swings, instead of asking yourself what's wrong, and get frustrated. you need to sit down and face your emotion, identify it first, don't try to find the reason behind it yet. Identify it, is it anger, fear, frustration, depression? what is it? after you identify what exactly you're feeling, you can try to figure out what exactly in the sex triggers it. And then maybe you can rationalize it, and try to understand it, eventually resolve it. Of course, I'm giving you the short version, you might want to check out some professional help regarding this.

DesFIP -> RE: when u r ok with something ..then your not, then you are???? (9/10/2009 12:48:23 PM)
Are you really okay with it? Or is it tolerable? There's a big difference between enjoying something and gritting your teeth to get through it. If the latter, then it makes sense that a lot of time you simply don't feel sufficiently supported emotionally to do this difficult item again. Or you have a lot of other stresses that prevents you from having enough energy to bear it. No matter what it is, you had best tell him that you don't know how you'll react when he wants you to: have sex with someone you don't find attractive; lessen the intimacy by bringing someone else alone; leave you alone while he does someone else. Whatever the act is, it's difficult even if sometimes it is pleasureable. You may enjoy hiking but that doesn't mean you always are in the mood to tackle a new mountain.

VirginPotty -> RE: when u r ok with something ..then your not, then you are???? (9/10/2009 1:07:31 PM)
quote: the first thing I'm going to say is: Please write proper English. this is not text messaging, type out "you" instead of "u" won't take that much time. And it shows proper respect to others. [8\|]And to think I was worried the grammar police weren't on this thread.

lovingpet -> RE: when u r ok with something ..then your not, then you are???? (9/10/2009 1:08:11 PM)
I think struggling in the face of new or difficult experiences is perfectly normal as is the flux that is occurring at times. One day you are so glad you tried it and another day perfectly appalled that you could actually allow "that" to happen. I struggle like this too. Part of it is that we play quite heavy and with a lot of mental and emotional dynamics. We go into territory that terrifies me. Sometimes that is an exhilerating experience and other times just plain scary or disturbing. Regardless, I have someone I trust taking me there and staying with me as I process it all. The key for us is that I can talk to him about it all. He is not going to be hurt, offended, insulted, or angered because I have a less than positive response to something we do. He listens and helps me reframe the experience or emotion and we work through it together. Open communication and the ability to be heard, understood, and supported are very important especially if limits are to be pushed or taken away over time. I wish you all the best and I don't find what you expressed to be at all strange. Take good care of yourself in all this and show him the trust and respect of sharing your concerns with him. lovingpet

littleone35 -> RE: when u r ok with something ..then your not, then you are???? (9/10/2009 2:14:52 PM)
That happened a few weeks ago with us. Master wanted to do something i usually really like, but i respectfully said I will do it if you order Master but i would perfer if we do not do that today. Of course i had to tell him my reasons, the thing is even though i would perfer not to do that i would obey his orders. You have to talk with your Dom and tell him how you are feeling and struggling with this feeling. They are not mind readers. Matt's littleone

PlayfulWhenUsed -> RE: when u r ok with something ..then your not, then you are???? (9/10/2009 5:24:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: VirginPotty quote: the first thing I'm going to say is: Please write proper English. this is not text messaging, type out "you" instead of "u" won't take that much time. And it shows proper respect to others. [8\|]And to think I was worried the grammar police weren't on this thread. The irony is not lost on me that the grammar police can't be arsed to capitalize the beginnings of all sentences, and the word "type" should actually be "typing". I do not really mind the grammar police generally, although I monkey around with the rulez sometimes. But I also feel that if you are going to correct someone's English, it is sensible to check one's own as well. ahem And but so, to our distressed pal, Daddyssidney. If it helps any, sometimes I am really in the mood for extremely painfully spicy food and sometimes I really am NOT. I do not think that means that I am strange or bizarre. But, you know, if I am having dinner with someone who wants to have dragon breath curry, sometimes I need to clarify that tonight I did not bring my asbestos tongue. Also sometimes there are things that are very pleasing to someone, but that are also very physically taxing and sometimes result in an actually bad kind of painful/uncomfortable. And it is more awkward to say "stop" to something like that once you have given it the green light, but if you are losing sleep then Something Must Be Done. Do not eat the dragon breath curry when you did not bring your asbestos tongue.

Drifa -> RE: when u r ok with something ..then your not, then you are???? (9/10/2009 6:39:53 PM)
There's also the issue of whether you are keyed up enough for whatever activity it is. If you are not hot enough (wet enough, pain accepting enough, whatever) then you should have a way to communicate that to your dominant. Don't try to have this discussion 15 minutes after the activity, but the next day ask to talk about it and explain that you are having problems and what those problems are.

Andalusite -> RE: when u r ok with something ..then your not, then you are???? (9/10/2009 7:52:14 PM)
Warmup, hormonal shifts, and other factors can influence pain tolerance significantly. Most tools and toys can be used in a way I'll love or hate (or somewhere in between), depending on how hard, where they strike, and if I'm already really floating. I'd suggest talking about it with him before your next scene. He may be having some difficulty in reading your body language, and you can't expect him to read your mind. Good moans and bad ones often sound quite similar, especially when it's something we have mixed feelings about.

SilentSpark -> RE: when u r ok with something ..then your not, then you are???? (9/10/2009 11:06:59 PM)
LOL, looks like I offend some people around here. I don't mind spelling and grammar that much, because I know we all make mistakes, especially me, I'm a horrible speller and I freely admit it. What gets my nerve is this text messaging abbreviations, like "u" for "you", "2" for "to", "c" for "see". Personally, I just don't see why people can't spell out the entire word. It is not a mistake, it is pure laziness.

MasterFireMaam -> RE: when u r ok with something ..then your not, then you are???? (9/10/2009 11:12:41 PM)
There are things that can happen, or not, inside a situation, that are triggers. You have to look and see what is similar between when it is ok and then what is similar when it isn't. A journal might help. Then you can work on the triggers themselves. Master Fire

sexisubi -> RE: when u r ok with something ..then your not, then you are???? (9/11/2009 12:47:16 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SilentSpark the first thing I'm going to say is: Please write proper English. this is not text messaging, type out "you" instead of "u" won't take that much time. And it shows proper respect to others. What gets my nerve is this text messaging abbreviations, like "u" for "you", "2" for "to", "c" for "see". Personally, I just don't see why people can't spell out the entire word. It is not a mistake, it is pure laziness. thats not much of an apology for making someone feel unwelcome, and dont bring the boards or respect into this please -cause- not everyone is as offended. anyway on to the op! to the op: there are times where i can take more pain then others too, sometimes its cause im still sensitive from other play, other times its cause im not as aroused as i was before. i will say however that silentspark does have some great ideas. a journal/diary is a great idea to really focus on you, the fact that youre losing sleep over it... what do you think that is that coming from ? do you think it is because you dont feel like youre serving correctly? is it because of something your dom does? this is affecting your health, i would more focus on that -why are you so upset that,- not why the pain tolerance isn't there.

SilentSpark -> RE: when u r ok with something ..then your not, then you are???? (9/11/2009 1:44:01 AM)
It is not my job to make people feel welcome or comfortable~ I offer my opinion, nothing more. take it or leave it.

Daddyssidney -> RE: when u r ok with something ..then your not, then you are???? (9/11/2009 4:15:18 AM)
First off let me apologize for writing my question in text form. I was only trying to shorten that question. I did not mean any disrespect. There are many layers to the issue. My need to make my Daddy happy is sometimes unhealthy for me. I allow things to happen that I have even stated before that I did not want to do. My fear of losing Him over shadows my own well being. I have even gone one step further and have sought out the situation to make Him happy. We have not done all that He wants but when it looks like it's going to happen it truly brings up many emotions. The true fear is I don't make His desires my own I will lose Him. sidney

OttersSwim -> RE: when u r ok with something ..then your not, then you are???? (9/11/2009 6:03:04 AM)
Your line about unhealthy for you is key here. You can only meet someone's needs to the point where it becomes unhealthy for you. If you choose to go farther, then you are not standing in your truth and have instead, IMO, given over too much. Over time, this can cause fear, resentment, and a bunch of other bad feelings. Whatever it is He is desiring, you and He need to talk and re-negotiate. I understand the fear of loosing someone, and believing that you can mold yourself to their desires. This is possible only to a point as I have stated above. Beyond that point, the two of you are, at least at this point in relationship, incompatable on those items. It is better to be in no relationship, than an unhealthy one... My 2c..

Drifa -> RE: when u r ok with something ..then your not, then you are???? (9/11/2009 6:12:12 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Daddyssidney There are many layers to the issue. My need to make my Daddy happy is sometimes unhealthy for me. I allow things to happen that I have even stated before that I did not want to do. My fear of losing Him over shadows my own well being. I have even gone one step further and have sought out the situation to make Him happy. We have not done all that He wants but when it looks like it's going to happen it truly brings up many emotions. The true fear is I don't make His desires my own I will lose Him. sidney BDSM, D/s, kink are not one-sided arrangements. The key to this is that you CONSENT to what's being done. Well before any kind of kink happens, you should carefully discuss your likes and dislikes, but more importantly you should get clear between you the "no go" items -- things you do not want and do not consent to do. It isn't uncommon for a sub to be willing to stretch their own boundaries, but it has to be something you are willing to experiment with. For me, a dominant that overruns the agreed-upon limits is not OK. Because of the power dynamics in a kink relationship, I also dislike a dom who attempts to bully the sub into activities that are on the sub's "black list" or "never ever do this list". If your needs, health, and well-being are not being respected by your dominant, then I would say you should quit panicking over staying in the relationship and kick the guy to the curb, then find a dominant who will give you the structure and dominance you need, while respecting your boundaries. On the other hand, if you are offering to do things that you really know you don't want and this is causing you physical or mental injury, then you need to do some thinking about yourself. You also need to be straight about what's going on in your head with your dom. If you're saying "Oh yes, please do X" you can't blame your man for taking that as an honest consent. To put it another way, would you feel comfortable telling a blatant lie to your man? Would you lie to him about housework, or money, or anything else and feel good about that? No, likely you would not. But when you are agreeing to kink you don't want or can't bear, you are telling just as bad a lie. Be honest in discussing kink and boundaries. Say what's really happening in your head and let your man HAVE his own reaction. Stop imagining that he will leave you, stop imagining what he will do or say. Give him an honest chance to hear your concerns.

lovingpet -> RE: when u r ok with something ..then your not, then you are???? (9/11/2009 6:23:38 AM)
I do things that I wouldn't do for anyone else and even can't believe I actually did at all, but I don't consider it unhealthy. I don't feel like I am having to look over my shoulder every time I can't handle something or have trouble. If I thought he was so easily lost, I couldn't do those things for him in the first place. It sounds like there needs to be a whole lot more stability and trust fostered in this relationship. I would really look into why it is that you feel like you are going to be abandoned any moment. It is a very scary place to be. It is time for a very serious talk. I wish you the best! lovingpet

sexisubi -> RE: when u r ok with something ..then your not, then you are???? (9/11/2009 12:51:19 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Daddyssidney First off let me apologize for writing my question in text form. I was only trying to shorten that question. I did not mean any disrespect. There are many layers to the issue. My need to make my Daddy happy is sometimes unhealthy for me. I allow things to happen that I have even stated before that I did not want to do. My fear of losing Him over shadows my own well being. I have even gone one step further and have sought out the situation to make Him happy. We have not done all that He wants but when it looks like it's going to happen it truly brings up many emotions. The true fear is I don't make His desires my own I will lose Him. sidney well theres your issue, you just need to let him know about these fears, you may be in a D/s relationship but that doesnt mean that the 'relationship' part of the dynamic is removed. remember you have to communicate. if he cares about you he'll understand youre a person with limits and bounds that unfortunately can only be teased or pushed not always crossed. youre not taking as much pain cause you dont like it, and thats ok! you dont have to like it. you are doing just fine with trying to do it.

sirsholly -> RE: when u r ok with something ..then your not, then you are???? (9/11/2009 12:55:43 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Daddyssidney I have been with my Daddy going two years. I'm deeply in love with Him and have come along way. My problem is I keep changing my mind with what I'm ok with sexually. One time it's ok and I even enjoy it. The next time it's not and I even lose sleep over it. I don't even know how to approach Him about this when it is always changing with in me. What the heck is going on with me???? sidney what is keeping you up at night could be guilt. It is totally normal to have a swing in your desires. I would blame it on hormones, but it can also be caused by a crappy day at work, a fight with the kids, fatigue, or any one of a million causes. It is normal. Relax!!

Drifa -> RE: when u r ok with something ..then your not, then you are???? (9/11/2009 1:59:18 PM)
You have forgotten a key point of being a submissive. You are not allowed to break your dominant's toys. That means you have a reasonable obligation to take care of yourself, both physically and mentally. That includes not asking for sexual things or kink that you know are going to do you real harm. Another point I see here is that you are insecure in your relationship to the point where you feel you MUST do these things to keep your dominant's love and regard (or ownership). I think you really, really need to work on your own self-esteem. A little counseling might be a Good Thing as well, to help you get things figured out in your own head. If your dominant will stop loving you, owning you etc. because you wouldn't give him some activity off your Black List, then honey, kick him to the curb and look for a dominant who is interested in having both of your needs met. There are plenty of them out there. At the same time, you have to be VERY upfront and honest about what you want and don't want. Outside of the "heat of the moment", you need to sit down and figure out what you like (the White List), and what you are not willing to do under any circumstances(the Black List). Write these things down. Then discuss the two lists with your dominant. Since you have some blurry boundaries, ask your dominant to not do anything on the Black List, even if you ask for it during a scene. You can renegotiate your lists, but not during a scene... do it after, in a neutral setting. Your dominant doesn't have to give you the things you like, but having the White List helps them in their consideration of your needs. The Black List is your protection against stuff that will break Master's toy (you) and also your protection against yourself, when you feel insecure and want to bait the hook to please your partner with something you shouldn't offer. You also should talk to your dominant about the fact that you DO feel insecure in the relationship to the point where you feel that you have to offer up these acts that you know are not OK. You need to discuss why you feel insecure. It would help if you identify why you are afraid he might leave you/not love you/etc. All relationships, but especially kinky ones, rely on honest open communication between partners. Get some!

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