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How can I help my fiancé? - 9/10/2009 5:49:47 PM

Jinger

Posts: 347
Joined: 1/7/2007
From: Rochester
Status: offline

Ok so, I'm sure a similar post like this exists already, and for that I apologize.
But I may have a slight issue on my hands that I'm really not sure how to handle.

My fiancé and I are an incredibly happy couple. Really good sex. Lots of communication. There's never a problem for us that lasts long.
I'm more happy than I've ever been.

Here's the one thing that may prove to be an issue; she knows I'm a submissive, she knows what I'm into, and I know that she's not nearly as kinky as I am. And while she will try/do things to make me happy, she is not at all comfortable with the idea of hurting me.

It's funny, because she'll spank the hell out of me, but she doesn't want to smother me (which is my main kink).

The PROBLEM is that I'm okay with her not performing these things. I'm so happy with this relationship that I truly don't mind being vanilla. Despite this, she worries that I will fill unfulfilled if she doesn't adhere to my fantasies. The fact is that try as I might to convince her that I'm totally satisfied (and I AM), the idea of her doing my fantasies is STILL pretty damn hot. So I would never say no to her if she wanted to try something.

I've tried negotiating with her desires, but she simply doesn't have as many fantasies as I do.
She knows I love her, and I in turn, love her for caring about my health...but I fear that she thinks I'll go to someone else eventually.

That is so not my style, I would never do that. If it comes to that I'm fine with just masturbation.

Any advice? Help!

Post #: 1

RE: How can I help my fiancé? - 9/10/2009 6:02:59 PM

Sunnyfey

Posts: 1436
Joined: 9/21/2007
From: OK
Status: offline

Try telling her this....

"I'm blissfully happy, your blissfully happy. I don't want anyone else but you. I don't need anything else but you. My fetishes don't run my life, it's like having chocolate now and then. I don't need it, I do enjoy it on occasion. But you make me happier then a life time supply of chocolate. So stop worrying so much. I love you."

_____________________________

Resident Hell Cat

(in reply to Jinger)

Post #: 2

RE: How can I help my fiancé? - 9/10/2009 6:10:34 PM

MagiksSlave

Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline

The truth is, there isnt anything you can SAY to make her get it. The best thing to do is to show her and over time she will eventually see that she really is all that you need.

Magik

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.

-Rodney Atkins-

(in reply to Sunnyfey)

Post #: 3

RE: How can I help my fiancé? - 9/10/2009 6:18:02 PM

LookieNoNookie

Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Jinger

Ok so, I'm sure a similar post like this exists already, and for that I apologize.
But I may have a slight issue on my hands that I'm really not sure how to handle.

My fiancé and I are an incredibly happy couple. Really good sex. Lots of communication. There's never a problem for us that lasts long.
I'm more happy than I've ever been.

Here's the one thing that may prove to be an issue; she knows I'm a submissive, she knows what I'm into, and I know that she's not nearly as kinky as I am. And while she will try/do things to make me happy, she is not at all comfortable with the idea of hurting me.

It's funny, because she'll spank the hell out of me, but she doesn't want to smother me (which is my main kink).

The PROBLEM is that I'm okay with her not performing these things. I'm so happy with this relationship that I truly don't mind being vanilla. Despite this, she worries that I will fill unfulfilled if she doesn't adhere to my fantasies. The fact is that try as I might to convince her that I'm totally satisfied (and I AM), the idea of her doing my fantasies is STILL pretty damn hot. So I would never say no to her if she wanted to try something.

I've tried negotiating with her desires, but she simply doesn't have as many fantasies as I do.
She knows I love her, and I in turn, love her for caring about my health...but I fear that she thinks I'll go to someone else eventually.

That is so not my style, I would never do that. If it comes to that I'm fine with just masturbation.

Any advice? Help!

Typical faithful, but desirous male sub....nicely put by the way.

I understand what you're saying (I'm sure some of the women may have other comments....but I'm going to take your words as written....I respect what you've written....I "get it").

Bud...I've been there....and no offense to women who will eventually "get it"....you're dating someone who doesn't.

Be aware of that.

That isn't a cue to find someone else....it's a cue to realize what you are....and you ain't gonna change. In fact, you're going to grow, probably more desirous of your kinks....and it's not your fault.

You have a shitload of testosterone flowing through you, and as amenable to her interests as you may profess to be....you is what you is.

At 21 (and it'll grow incessantly until you're in your late 50's) your desires are only going to grow stronger (see reference above re: testosterone)....and as wonderful as it sounds to profess to want to be all she wants (or, to hold back your innate desires)....it ain't gonna happen on either side....unless she truly understands your kink.

And she probably (at your age...and as to what you've described)....can't.

Work with her...but be aware...if she's this afraid of the nominal things you've discussed....the shit you haven't said....will probably make the most famous scene in The Excorcist look like child's play.

It's all good....it's a learning curve. You're 21...you have plenty of time...just be very clear of your (and others) limitations.

(It's ok).

Be true.

(To you).

< Message edited by LookieNoNookie -- 9/10/2009 6:23:30 PM >

(in reply to Jinger)

Post #: 4

RE: How can I help my fiancé? - 9/10/2009 6:20:36 PM

lovingpet

Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline

Lots of couples have an imbalance in kink level and survive just fine. I am concerned, however, that it seems like when she is doing things that you enjoy, she seems to feel bad about it. I guess more specifically, my concern is whether or not she believes what she is doing with you is right (yes, morally). If she truly believes that it is wrong to do these things, it is going to cause problems in that direction eventually. I had this happen with someone and things just were never the same after that. He could not accept that things he believed were wrong to do to me were okay for him to do since I enjoyed them.

I am definitely less kinky than my partner. That says A LOT! LOL. He handles it by taking me a little further each time and respecting what he knows I just can't handle yet. He understands that there are things that I may NEVER be able to do with him and is okay with that. Are you truly okay with that? It sounds like a great relationship with a huge exception clause in there. Some people can put the kink aside and live happily vanilla ever after. Many find out only too late that they really can't. Please be honest with yourself about this. It is the loving thing to do for both of you.

I also noticed that one of the things she won't do is smothering. This is a form of breathplay, and breathplay in general is something a lot of people aren't comfortable with just simply do to the risks involved. Education is key on that one. She has to learn how to perform this safely and how to handle emergencies should they arise. She may become more comfortable with it once she has this knowledge. I don't blame her for refusing to participate in such a risky game without the proper training. That is protective to you.

I am also seeing that she is simply doing what fulfills you. Is she dominant? It sounds like she either is vanilla trying to make a relationship work or is submissive and just trying to make you happy. Either way, I have to wonder if your submissiveness is being nourished through what she IS willing to do. It sounds like you are pretty well calling the shots, but if it is that control you need, then it may become a sticking point.

At the end of it all, that communication you have is key. I wonder if it is as good as you say it is. How openly can you discuss this with her? How does she respond to new fantasies and your attempts to explore hers? Do you feel heard? Now is the time to sit down and have some pretty hard discussions. Be honest with her and with yourself about what you need and want out of the relationship and be ready to accept that what she says in return is the truth, whether it is what you are hoping or not. You will then need to take action as appropriate based on that information. I know it's not an easy thing. I wish you all my best in this matter!

lovingpet

(in reply to Jinger)

Post #: 5

RE: How can I help my fiancé? - 9/10/2009 6:44:44 PM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline

It sounds to me that she is correct in thinking at some point <hell your still a kid at 22> in your life your gonna want more "whatever". ByTheFuckingWay What in THE hell are you thinking getting married so young??? It works LESS than half the time.

MoTown BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 6

RE: How can I help my fiancé? - 9/10/2009 6:54:53 PM

MisReciprocation

Posts: 2
Joined: 9/3/2009
Status: offline

I know many many people married to their high school/college sweethearts who are happy 25 years later.

Be fruitful and multiply.

And look forward to your 50th wedding anniversary!

Best wishes.

(in reply to SailingBum)

Post #: 7

RE: How can I help my fiancé? - 9/10/2009 7:25:39 PM

GraciousLady

Posts: 529
Joined: 7/7/2009
Status: offline

If you know your kinks make her insecure and your willing to forgo them stop talking about them. Every time you talk about it you make her more insecure. You ask how to help her understand it's all ok but every time you bring it up your telling her your NOT ok with forgoing them. Just let time pass and if it works out then all is well. If in 5 years you just can't see living your life with out someone putting a pillow over your face then it will not.

(in reply to MisReciprocation)

Post #: 8

RE: How can I help my fiancé? - 9/10/2009 7:49:33 PM

Jinger

Posts: 347
Joined: 1/7/2007
From: Rochester
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sunnyfey

Try telling her this....

"I'm blissfully happy, your blissfully happy. I don't want anyone else but you. I don't need anything else but you. My fetishes don't run my life, it's like having chocolate now and then. I don't need it, I do enjoy it on occasion. But you make me happier then a life time supply of chocolate. So stop worrying so much. I love you."

quote:

. If

Most helpful comment award.

(in reply to Sunnyfey)

Post #: 9

RE: How can I help my fiancé? - 9/10/2009 7:51:08 PM

Jinger

Posts: 347
Joined: 1/7/2007
From: Rochester
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MisReciprocation

I know many many people married to their high school/college sweethearts who are happy 25 years later.

Be fruitful and multiply.

And look forward to your 50th wedding anniversary!

Best wishes.

Most appreciated comment award.

(in reply to MisReciprocation)

Post #: 10

RE: How can I help my fiancé? - 9/10/2009 8:01:02 PM

Jinger

Posts: 347
Joined: 1/7/2007
From: Rochester
Status: offline

To collarme, thank you for your quick/helpful responses, I've always been able to count on you guys for that!

I read all of your replies. And it's true I could have described our relationship a bit more to illustrate the issue; but that's a level of privacy I preserve.

However in answer to some of your inquiries:

•She (definitely) wears the pants.
•She and I both feel that sex is like food, we're happy to try everything once. Our health is definitely more an issue than morality.
•And finally, we really DO communicate well, I'm not just saying that. And we really are totally smitten with each other.

I am satisfied by the responses I got, but I felt I'd just reward you with that information. Good job!

...

I would do anything for her. And she has expressed the same. Ultimately it boils down simply to me saying that she doesn't have to do everything for me, because I'm happy either way, not happier.

So yeah! Thank you!

(in reply to Jinger)

Post #: 11

RE: How can I help my fiancé? - 9/10/2009 8:06:10 PM

Sunnyfey

Posts: 1436
Joined: 9/21/2007
From: OK
Status: offline

your welcome sweety!

_____________________________

Resident Hell Cat

(in reply to Jinger)

Post #: 12

RE: How can I help my fiancé? - 9/10/2009 10:38:56 PM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MisReciprocation

I know many many people married to their high school/college sweethearts who are happy 25 years later.

Be fruitful and multiply.

And look forward to your 50th wedding anniversary!

Best wishes.

Of course there are ... But what's the hurry??? You can just as easily marry your "sweatheat" <Not a typo> at say 25 -30. Ya know after collage and you "grow up"

BTW I figured this advice would get ignored

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to MisReciprocation)

Post #: 13

RE: How can I help my fiancé? - 9/11/2009 12:06:52 AM

slaveluci

Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Jinger
Despite this, she worries that I will fill unfulfilled if she doesn't adhere to my fantasies. The fact is that try as I might to convince her that I'm totally satisfied (and I AM), the idea of her doing my fantasies is STILL pretty damn hot. So I would never say no to her if she wanted to try something.

I've tried negotiating with her desires, but she simply doesn't have as many fantasies as I do.
She knows I love her, and I in turn, love her for caring about my health...but I fear that she thinks I'll go to someone else eventually.

Is it SHE who is worried that you will feel "unfulfilled" or is it YOU worrying about that?

You are trying to "convince" her that you are "totally satisfied" but are YOU convinced of that?

You fear SHE thinks you'll "go to someone else eventually" but is it really YOU who's fearing this?

I'm not saying I have any answers. Only you do. It concerns me, though, that it seems to me (as an objective third party here), that these are fears you may be wrestling with more than she is. You are young and have many years ahead of you. Do you really want to force a square peg into a round whole and spend your whole life negotiating, compromising and worrying? I'm not saying that IS the case. I'm saying it very well COULD BE. I'd personally hate to be the partner who was with someone who may end up resenting me because he's had to settle for less than ALL he desires. Think about it and be totally honest with her and yourself.

Best of luck to you................luci

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to Jinger)

Post #: 14

RE: How can I help my fiancé? - 9/11/2009 1:33:15 AM

SouthernSpankin

Posts: 106
Joined: 7/13/2006
Status: offline

Jinger, very cool to see you gave Sunnyfeys' advise your "Most helpful comment award."

With me, I'm still close friends with my high school sweetheart (we were each other's first kiss). We were serious in high school before I went away for college/grad school and we got serious again as I was finishing grad school and moved back home. And I was always very open with her about my BDSM interests. Discussed it with her, drew her pictures, showed her pictures, showed her toys, etc. And she was awkward with that at times and at other times she was very comfortable discussing BDSM like she "got it.". But she was never comfortable with actually doing it. And that didn't bother me because of how much I loved her in the plain old vanilla sense. This girl and I never actually did anything BDSM--yet, during the time we were serious, I was so happy with her that I, like you said, "truly didn't mind being vanilla."

She's married with children now and lives far away, but the funny thing is that to this day, she tells me that I'm the best guy she's ever met and we'd be married if it wasn't for my BDSM interests. Yet, back when we were serious, apparently I didn't do a good enough job of making it clear to her that I was so happy with her in just a vanilla relationship that I could give up all my BDSM interests for her. And I honestly thought that I had done a good enough job of communicating that to her, but I never sat down with her and spelled it out in the way Sunnyfey recommended:

Try telling her this....

"I'm blissfully happy, your blissfully happy. I don't want anyone else but you. I don't need anything else but you. My fetishes don't run my life, it's like having chocolate now and then. I don't need it, I do enjoy it on occasion. But you make me happier then a life time supply of chocolate. So stop worrying so much. I love you."

< Message edited by SouthernSpankin -- 9/11/2009 1:36:36 AM >

(in reply to Jinger)

Post #: 15

RE: How can I help my fiancé? - 9/11/2009 5:46:07 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Do you need pain or do you need control? Because the two are not synonymous. Would you be fulfilled if she told you to bathe her feet and give her a pedicure? That way she would be in charge and not giving you pain. She could tie your hands and feet together and have you stay that way while she reads her book. Or uses you as a footstool.

Lots of nonpain control available if you think about it. Do you need pain to be totally satisfied?

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to SouthernSpankin)

Post #: 16

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