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Communication vs. Romance - 9/10/2009 9:04:38 PM   
HeavansKeeper


Posts: 1254
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline 		Communication is important, I'm not disputing that.

I am curious where people draw the distinction between strong communication and killing the moment with clarity. I can understand how a person (who wants to be taken) doesn't want to ask to be taken...

A lot of the dominant luster is lost for my pet when she must ask for things. She would prefer I know and want to do whatever thing, without her request.

What are your thoughts on the matter?

Do you mind a respectful suggestion? (example, a bottom asking you to order their meal) Is it insulting/offensive?
How distracting is it to ask for a certain act to be done?
Do you prefer a time and place, as compared to open chatways?

I get the feeling communication gets in the way of spontaneous, surprising fun. It almost detracts from the reality in a sense. Imagine the choreographed RP abduction vs. the real deal. There must be some lack of fulfillment if it's all planned out. But the total surprise can cause even bigger problems. Same with rape fantasy... To a lesser degree, choosing what the other person wears or what they eat might not put a bottom in their place the way it would if it was a surprise.

I'm reminded of Knocked Up where Debbie is sad because her husband didn't invite her to see Spiderman 3. She says "I don't want to have to ask you to ask me.... I just want you to ask me" Or something like that.

Basically, this boils down to "How sexy is mind reading?"

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RE: Communication vs. Romance - 9/10/2009 9:22:05 PM   
Sunnyfey


Posts: 1436
Joined: 9/21/2007
From: OK
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: HeavansKeeper
Basically, this boils down to "How sexy is mind reading?"


It's sexy in a fantasy world, its cause for strife and stress in the real world. Besides I'd rather him not know when I think he's being a shithead about something. (not that NZ is a shithead...i just meant that in general)

This whole romanticized view of sex and interactions between the sexes has created this system of uncommunicative relationships (let me cite the American divorce rates here) with ideas like "Oh well, my true love will just know how to please me when we make love", and the ever popular myth that if you tell him he is doing it wrong, then he wont do anything anymore.

If I want NZ to order for me at subway...I'll tell him exactly what I want. Why wouldn't I? If I dont he might come home with something I'm allergic to or something I don't like.

And why would communication get in the way of spontaneity?

Trust me, NZ has learned exactly how I like to be pleased (I showed him, or told him how to please me, or he found out on his own), and I've learned how to please him( found out on my own, ordered or told to). And I'm going to say 90% of it was from fun, spontaneous sex.


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RE: Communication vs. Romance - 9/10/2009 9:42:30 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I have no problem with asking Master for what I desire. It's up to him to decide if I get it or not and doesn't seem to take away from any of the excitement at all but then again I'm not one of these people who always needs to be kept in suspense to be excited.

Communication does nothing at all to hinder our relationship. Clear, concise communication keeps us going.

I'm constantly telling people "I'm not a mindreader!". I'm not and I don't expect anyone else to be either. Imo trying to go down that road only leads to more problems than is worth the hassle.

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RE: Communication vs. Romance - 9/10/2009 10:14:41 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		I think there comes a point in relationships where there becomes a tacit understanding of certain things. It isn't mindreading so much as it is history and intimate knowledge of each other. A couple will learn and grow with each other constantly and there will always be new things that need to be requested or discussed. Some things though, if not learned over time, show a lack of caring and attention. There needs to be balance here.

In a new relationship, nothing's a given and the more two people can be open with each other, the better it will go. As time goes on though, there should be some maturation within the relationship and some thing are just a matter of fact. While one doesn't want to stagnate, there comes some level of comfort and an ability to meet each other's needs rather seemlessly. As needs change, desires grow, or new things come to light, communication is still a vital thing. I think I have learned some things that make my partner tick and that he needs to be happy and fulfilled in a relationship. I will learn more over time as will he about me. If I expressed a need or desire, I know it would be met with consideration and addressed as was appropriate. If he did the same, he could expect similar from me.

As with most things balance and time are important.

lovingpet

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RE: Communication vs. Romance - 9/11/2009 2:32:37 AM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: HeavansKeeper

What are your thoughts on the matter?

Do you mind a respectful suggestion? (example, a bottom asking you to order their meal) Is it insulting/offensive?
How distracting is it to ask for a certain act to be done?
Do you prefer a time and place, as compared to open chatways?


i believe communication paired with anticipatory actions on both sides is a plus. i don't mind being surprised or exerting an effort on my partner's behalf without his prompting. i see it as an aspect of caretaking and a demonstration of that persons desire to show this. spontaneity is also enjoyable and adds an unexpected spice to things and prevents inertia or rigid adherence to an existing routine.

if we're at dinner and i haven't a clue what i'm in the mood for i wouldn't mind him ordering for me instead. or approaching him with a specific need or desire. he is my partner after all. on the other hand he shouldn't have to extract these things from me forcibly. we relate and that means a bilateral dialogue with two willing participants.

porcelaine


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RE: Communication vs. Romance - 9/11/2009 2:51:09 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		Mind reading (and body reading) is extremely sexy... sometimes i am really good at it and other times i suck... same for my Husband.

When He sucks at it it is usually because (in His own words) He is a man and He likes clear requests... Not hints! (there goes my: i don't want to ask you to do something for me, i just want you to know... when i wiggle my butt a bit that i feel like getting a pat or a slap on it) Fortunately i have learned to politely ask for things and respect His desicion on whether i then get anything or not

When i suck at it it is usually because i might try to tell Him (my effort at good communication and clarity) how something would turn me on more or how something did not quite work for me, at a time that is totally wrong for Him to want to listen to these insights on my part. (maybe indeed a simple hint at these times would work better than a lengthy nit picky exact request for a change)
Fortunately He has learned how to shut me up without me feeling blocked.



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RE: Communication vs. Romance - 9/11/2009 3:48:05 AM   
kallisto


Posts: 1185
Status: offline 		Coummication is an absolute when the relationship is new. There is no way around that and still be able to build that relationship. However, as time goes by I do think it because easier to pick up on wants and desires with that "mind reading and body reading" that is there. It's not so much as mind reading as it simply remembering and storing things back that you have picked up on over time. As ranja put it "Mind reading (and body reading) is extremely sexy... sometimes i am really good at it and other times i suck" ... I think it comes with growth and maturity of the relationship.

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RE: Communication vs. Romance - 9/11/2009 5:42:36 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		There's a difference between talking about something, a fantasy or wish, while dressed and drinking coffee and doing so right in the moment. Talk about this stuff over lunch or while taking a walk, or have her write about it. Then don't do it for a couple of weeks. That way you both have the communication and the romance. Timing is everything here.

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RE: Communication vs. Romance - 9/11/2009 12:38:33 PM   
Venenarius


Posts: 3
Joined: 9/9/2009
Status: offline 		My wife is fond of saying that it takes an extraordinary amount of planning to make something seem spontaneous. It is possible to mantain clarity and spontinaety both. This is why you negotiate things in advance, and make sure that there are certain signals that both of you are clear on. Wearing a particular collar or article of clothing, perhaps, or lighting candles and having a hot bath ready when your partner gets home - whatever works for you. However, expecting your partner to be telepathic is simply unfair to them and unreasonable of you. If you don't want to have to ask, talk it over when you are NOT in the moment, so that a signal can be given without having to break the mood.

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RE: Communication vs. Romance - 9/11/2009 1:25:24 PM   
shadowowl


Posts: 198
Joined: 5/31/2004
Status: offline 		Maybe i'm the only one that thinks being told exactly what to do is romantic haha.    Mind reading is not something i think about it's one of those things i chalk up to unrealistic.   if they manage to actually know what i'm thinking i chalk it up to knowing me which comes through comunication.     other then that it's guess work sometimes they guess right and sometimes not.   I find it much worse if they guess right because then I am much more disapointed when tehy guess wrong.  Better to just have open communication so there is very little guess work involved.   one of the KEY reasons I want D/s relationships is because I don't want to even try to mind read.
I want to know exactly what they want, how they want it and when they want it that to me is romantic :) 
candle lit dinner?  sure if I'm in a cage and they are feeding me their scraps lol that's romantic to me :)

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RE: Communication vs. Romance - 9/11/2009 1:43:12 PM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline 		I think that this is one of those questions that is more complex than the interactions that happen within relationships about which it is speaking.  Imo, if partners are on the same page, communication isn't going to be interruptive and 'mind reading' doesn't have to come into play either, as there will be consistency enough in understanding of one another that people simply know. 
Davan, you're single, how do you know these things, you may ask..good question: because such was the better part of my relationship with my ex-; whatever our weaknesses were, communication was always a major strength. 
  Davan

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RE: Communication vs. Romance - 9/11/2009 2:01:59 PM   
emy33


Posts: 14
Joined: 5/2/2009
Status: offline 		I'm a person who needs spontanious physical affection. I don't mean I need someone to hang on me constantly but I treasure those freely given hugs, kisses and hand holding moments. So while I don't have a problem asking for what I want or need I do tend to feel unsafe and unwanted if I have to ask for every bit of affection I need.

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RE: Communication vs. Romance - 9/11/2009 2:06:14 PM   
GoddessImaginos


Posts: 1493
Joined: 8/5/2009
From: A small blue planet near Alpha Centauri
Status: offline 		There can be no 'versus' here for Me. Communication AND romance, thickly laced with trust, or nothing at all.

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RE: Communication vs. Romance - 9/11/2009 2:07:23 PM   
shadowowl


Posts: 198
Joined: 5/31/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: emy33

I'm a person who needs spontanious physical affection. I don't mean I need someone to hang on me constantly but I treasure those freely given hugs, kisses and hand holding moments. So while I don't have a problem asking for what I want or need I do tend to feel unsafe and unwanted if I have to ask for every bit of affection I need.

well to me that is just a matter of explaining it once and having them remember for future use :)   no need to be a mind reader to know you like that just about any time :)

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RE: Communication vs. Romance - 9/11/2009 2:19:40 PM   
emy33


Posts: 14
Joined: 5/2/2009
Status: offline 		Very true, but I've learned that it is best to be upfront about it and find out if the person I'm interested in see's it as an issue for them.
Some people have no problem going threw their life without that type of affection and don't really need or want it.

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RE: Communication vs. Romance - 9/11/2009 6:32:49 PM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline 		Fast Reply:

I think romance too often gets in the way of true love.

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Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

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RE: Communication vs. Romance - 9/11/2009 6:34:07 PM   
GoddessImaginos


Posts: 1493
Joined: 8/5/2009
From: A small blue planet near Alpha Centauri
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

Fast Reply:

I think romance too often gets in the way of true love.


..I hadn't realized that "romance" and "true love" were exclusive of one another. Gods forbid..

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RE: Communication vs. Romance - 9/11/2009 6:49:39 PM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline 		They aren't, necessarily. But sometimes, romance (or the idea of it), can get in the way of something more genuine.

Follow the genuine path (for lack of a better term), and if you're lucky, it'll lead you to true love, AND true romance.

This makes much more sense in my head, than it probably does here.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

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RE: Communication vs. Romance - 9/11/2009 6:59:17 PM   
Jeptha


Posts: 780
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Portland, Oregon
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Venenarius

My wife is fond of saying that it takes an extraordinary amount of planning to make something seem spontaneous....

I like that saying.
I was thinking that a lot of spontaneity is the result of hypnotic suggestion: of the seed of an idea planted beforehand now coming to fruition.

And ~ lots of things can be romantic if you have a positive attitude - even if the flash of in-the-moment inspiration never quite happens and things end up feeling more like a dress rehearsal for something.

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RE: Communication vs. Romance - 9/12/2009 3:37:50 AM   
TurboJugend


Posts: 481
Joined: 6/15/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

They aren't, necessarily. But sometimes, romance (or the idea of it), can get in the way of something more genuine.

Follow the genuine path (for lack of a better term), and if you're lucky, it'll lead you to true love, AND true romance.

This makes much more sense in my head, than it probably does here.


but...true and genuine are so "relative".....they are different for every one else.

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