How does one balance submission with the desire to handle difficult things independently?

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

How does one balance submission with the desire to handle difficult things independently?

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> How does one balance submission with the desire to handle difficult things independently?

Page: [1]

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

How does one balance submission with the desire to hand... - 9/12/2009 10:23:58 PM

bluefireeyez

Posts: 119
Joined: 12/15/2008
Status: offline

i have opened and closed this little box a bunch of times. So, please bear with me if this sounds choppy.

i am currently in a relationship with a wonderful guy/Master. He has never done anything He said He wouldn't and has kept every promise He has made to me. i, however, find that i am having trouble keeping one promise i made to Him. i agreed to tell Him whenever anything important in my life happened, ok fine...i can do that. But, i can't trust myself to trust Him enough to let Him know how much it is affecting me...which could be viewed as a type of lie.

Currently, W/we are going to schools on opposite sides of the country. He is getting His PhD. i am in my last semester as a Master's degree student. W/we also both work a lot...He at His assistantship and on that evil thing called a dissertation. i work as a TSS. i know how stressed i can get at times, and so i can only imagine how stressed He gets and how much work has to be done.

On Sept 4th, my foster/second Mom confirmed to me that she has breast cancer. On Friday, she told me that the doctor found cancer in 3 of her lymph nodes (the ones closest to her chest). At first i figured it was breast cancer, it'll be hard but easy to treat. From my schooling (i went to school for nursing originally), i know that lymphatic cancer is one of the hardest to treat. i also know that the fact she waited over 10 years to get a mammogram is not currently working in her favor. Watching one of my grandparents die of cancer before i could comprehend it was scary enough...i don't want to lose someone again.

The problem is, i don't know how to depend on my Master...or even let Him in enough to all that i am currently feeling. i've either been incredibly bratty, dismissive, or just plain uncommunicative. He called me tonight (as i was trying not to cry) and asked me what was wrong. my answer was i was just thinking about my Mom too much not what i was thinking or feeling. i'm so used to handling things on my own, i can't explain myself.

How do you not only balance hard things like these with "normal" everyday things but also with your submission? Have you ever felt like you were breaking a rule by default, but didn't know how to address it? Is there a limit on how much you should tell your Master?

Post #: 1

RE: How does one balance submission with the desire to ... - 9/12/2009 10:47:59 PM

sravaka

Posts: 314
Joined: 6/20/2008
Status: offline

here's the thing.... there is no external limit on what you should tell *anyone*-- master, boyfriend, platonic friend, whatever.

I do understand where you're coming from. You're feeling like you should be able to handle everything yourself, and afraid of putting too much pressure on your guy. In normal (bf/gf) circumstances, that fear is principally about worrying that you'll scare the guy away. In D/s circumstances, it's even touchier-- you might get evidence that he is not the Magical Mystery Dom (tm) you (and perhaps he) thought he was. (Even if it starts with simply not wanting to rock the boat, etc., I think these are inevitably factors as well.) But, it's not up to you to decide that you serve him better by hiding things. You have to look to what he has said about it, and be on board yourself, even when it is hard. And you can start by telling him exactly what you just said here-- that you are having trouble sharing everything that is going on with you.

Give him a chance to be there for you. Dissertations and TAships do suck, massively... but they are not life or death, and they are a hell of a lot more malleable than working 9-5, or more likely 9-7 or 8.

My heart goes out to you.

_____________________________

Miseries hold me fixed, and I would gladly cut these roots to become a floating plant. I would yield myself up utterly, if the inviting stream could be relied upon. --Ono no Komachi

(in reply to bluefireeyez)

Post #: 2

RE: How does one balance submission with the desire to ... - 9/12/2009 10:49:13 PM

DavanKael

Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline

I'm sorry that you are going through a tough time.
For me, these sorts of relationships are about potential lifepartners and, as such, I believe we need to be able to lean on our closest other. Having not been able to lean reliably in the past, I understand that this is a leap but you're pushing away someone who is dear to you and to whom you are dear. Is that what you want? Perhaps you can start by explaining to him that you have some family news but that you can't turn it over to him to handle for you but that you need to share it with him. Then perhaps move forward from there?
Best wishes,
Davan

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
-Leadership527,Jeff

(in reply to bluefireeyez)

Post #: 3

RE: How does one balance submission with the desire to ... - 9/12/2009 11:01:38 PM

bluefireeyez

Posts: 119
Joined: 12/15/2008
Status: offline

Thank you both for replying.

While i have told Him about the diagnosis and updated Him, my problem comes with sharing what i really feel. Perhaps i will simply ask Him to read the forum...lol.

i certainly do not want to push Him away...and He is someone i would like to be with for a long time. However, it is touchy for the reasons mentioned...He is human and no matter how much He (or i) wants me to lean on Him; i am afraid i may want to a little too much right now.

You guys have given me a lot to think of and some great advice..thank you again!

(in reply to DavanKael)

Post #: 4

RE: How does one balance submission with the desire to ... - 9/12/2009 11:36:55 PM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bluefireeyez
i am afraid i may want to a little too much right now.

I think what warrants "too much" is up to him to decide, not you.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to bluefireeyez)

Post #: 5

RE: How does one balance submission with the desire to ... - 9/13/2009 12:17:18 AM

porcelaine

Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bluefireeyez

How do you not only balance hard things like these with "normal" everyday things but also with your submission? Have you ever felt like you were breaking a rule by default, but didn't know how to address it? Is there a limit on how much you should tell your Master?

if you were merely getting acquainted i would suggest temperance in your approach and disclosures, but that isn't the case. it sounds like a few things are taking place. the first is your fear of losing him. although you haven't confronted it directly and have convinced yourself that the silence stems from his busyness and your desire not to be burdensome. but that is merely the outer manifestation. you have to find the root to address the problem and hopefully overcome it.

the second part is withholding pertinent information from someone you've asked to take responsibility for your well being. look at it from the parental point of view and it will make sense. how can he be attentive if you're holding out? it merely means he's affixing bandages haphazardly rather than tackling the problem head on. i believe your introduction shines light on this all and it has to do with the separation. but i'm going to tell you a secret, because i've done this real time myself.

distance can be a death sentence or truly make you dig down and find ways to relate and communicate. yes, absence does make the heart grow fonder because you appreciate all the little things we're apt to ignore or take for granted when we're experiencing them consistently. i see the mileage as a bridge and a fear that can be overcome and eventually released. your willingness to stay put and support him during these challenging moments has been noticed. however, it would seem unfair if you denied him the possibility of offering the same to you.

i liken it to someone extending a hand and then snatching it back before the other party can grab hold. if you wished to do without why did you offer yourself to him in the first place? submission is about conflict and challenges. the most adept ones learn how to turn their mountains into milestones and things they look back upon with pride. you're in a great deal of pain and will need to find an outlet for everything bubbling inside of you. i'm not suggesting he is your only source, other tools exist and you should explore them as well.

it would seem foolish to ignore what is standing before you. let go and lean. he will determine when he's had his fill and needs to bring in additional resources for your benefit. he's a dominant. they're supposed to carry things and juggle challenges. that's what makes them effective leaders after all. it isn't that he can lead that makes him good, it is how he responds to the unforeseen that determines how far he'll stand out. best of luck to you and your loved ones.

porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to bluefireeyez)

Post #: 6

RE: How does one balance submission with the desire to ... - 9/13/2009 12:48:34 AM

wandersalone

Posts: 4666
Joined: 11/21/2005
Status: offline

Sorry I am about to be politically incorrect here but putting aside the d/s dynamic for a second, if it was he who had been told the news, would you want him to share all of his fears, thoughts etc with you or would you prefer that he not tell you everything?

At the moment you are not giving him a chance to let you know if your telling him everything would be too much for him or not, shouldn't he have the opportunity to make that decision himself?

My thoughts are with you, it sounds like a very worrying time for you and your family

_____________________________

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. Martin Luther King
Godmother of the subbie mafia
My all time favourite threads
http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=2002501
http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=790885

(in reply to bluefireeyez)

Post #: 7

RE: How does one balance submission with the desire to ... - 9/13/2009 1:04:19 AM

TurboJugend

Posts: 481
Joined: 6/15/2009
Status: offline

As a Dom I always want to know what is in the mind of my sub. Atleast know what keeps her busy.
In this case Iwould like to know what is bothering...so if you need it...keep you space.
If he really cares about you..sooner or later he will discover that something is bothering you..and will worry or ask.
We know that we can't solve everything for a sub...especially these hard things. We just can be there and support.
(hope this make sense)

_____________________________

Justme696 on the otherside
- D stands for Damian....not dude

(in reply to wandersalone)

Post #: 8

RE: How does one balance submission with the desire to ... - 9/13/2009 1:04:45 AM

Acer49

Posts: 1434
Joined: 8/7/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bluefireeyez

i have opened and closed this little box a bunch of times. So, please bear with me if this sounds choppy.

i am currently in a relationship with a wonderful guy/Master. He has never done anything He said He wouldn't and has kept every promise He has made to me. i, however, find that i am having trouble keeping one promise i made to Him. i agreed to tell Him whenever anything important in my life happened, ok fine...i can do that. But, i can't trust myself to trust Him enough to let Him know how much it is affecting me...which could be viewed as a type of lie.

Currently, W/we are going to schools on opposite sides of the country. He is getting His PhD. i am in my last semester as a Master's degree student. W/we also both work a lot...He at His assistantship and on that evil thing called a dissertation. i work as a TSS. i know how stressed i can get at times, and so i can only imagine how stressed He gets and how much work has to be done.

On Sept 4th, my foster/second Mom confirmed to me that she has breast cancer. On Friday, she told me that the doctor found cancer in 3 of her lymph nodes (the ones closest to her chest). At first i figured it was breast cancer, it'll be hard but easy to treat. From my schooling (i went to school for nursing originally), i know that lymphatic cancer is one of the hardest to treat. i also know that the fact she waited over 10 years to get a mammogram is not currently working in her favor. Watching one of my grandparents die of cancer before i could comprehend it was scary enough...i don't want to lose someone again.

The problem is, i don't know how to depend on my Master...or even let Him in enough to all that i am currently feeling. i've either been incredibly bratty, dismissive, or just plain uncommunicative. He called me tonight (as i was trying not to cry) and asked me what was wrong. my answer was i was just thinking about my Mom too much not what i was thinking or feeling. i'm so used to handling things on my own, i can't explain myself.

How do you not only balance hard things like these with "normal" everyday things but also with your submission? Have you ever felt like you were breaking a rule by default, but didn't know how to address it? Is there a limit on how much you should tell your Master?

Lying by omission is still lying
You both took an pledge to be totally honest with oneanother, I am pretty sure you did not add a clause that states there were exceptions to that pledge, You need to honor him, by honoring that pledge.
Your Master, I am pretty sure, made a pledge to you, to listen and assist in whatever way possible to see to your welbeing, either allow him to do so or ask for your release so that you may find someone who you feel can meet your needs

_____________________________

Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.
Harvey Fierstein

(in reply to bluefireeyez)

Post #: 9

RE: How does one balance submission with the desire to ... - 9/13/2009 3:31:42 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

The easiest way to decide how much you can depend on him is to ask him.

Straight out "You know I've got all this fear about my mom going on, I don't want to burden you by crying on your shoulder nightly, will that be too much for you to handle?"

And if he says it is too much, he doesn't want that then you don't want him in your life.
Unless this is a NSA, anybody who doesn't want to be here for you now is someone you shouldn't be wasting time on.
So find out now, before your days are reduce to work and sitting in a hospital room solely if he's going to be there for you when you need him. Having him bail when you're waiting for the end is not the time you want to learn the truth about him.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to Acer49)

Post #: 10

RE: How does one balance submission with the desire to ... - 9/13/2009 8:18:12 AM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

For me, I am in a relationship with him because when things get really hard he is the first one that I want to reach out to. I remember when I first started interacting with him and we had only spoken on the phone once my father was rushed to the ER thinking he was having a heart attack. My father had been disabled with a rare nuerological disorder a few years before and we were all still struggling with dealing with his health. The first person that I wanted and did turn to for my own comfort was my Lord. I sent him a text letting him know where I was going to be all day and when he woke up the first thing he did was call me.

That was one of the first big clues for both of us, that this interaction between us had potential for an intimate relationship.

For me, there is no limit on how much to tell him. Just a couple weeks ago, I spent all day in the hospital having tests run to try and find out what is going on with me. I was stressed, over-emotional and trying really hard to keep it all together. He was on his way back home from another province, so couldn't be with me and Alandra had to stay at work. I talked to him several times that day and each time what he was most concerned about was my mental state. I was completely honest, that I was scared but I was keeping it together.

In our relationship, I don't decide what he does and doesn't want to hear and I don't decide how I am going to deal with things. He makes that decision. Dealing with the health of our loved ones isn't easy sometimes, but cutting off part of your support group isn't going to make it any easier either.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to bluefireeyez)

Post #: 11

RE: How does one balance submission with the desire to ... - 9/13/2009 8:26:34 AM

sweetsub1957

Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline

Is there a limit on how much you should tell your Master?
I tell my Sir everything. As a matter of fact, I also write a journal for Him and every few days I send Him an update. He likes that. He says it helps Him to know better what's on my mind. Sir & I can tell each other anything and everything, and help each other through it.

_____________________________

Member: Lance's Fag Hags.

"That's not just a chip on her shoulder, that's the whole potato!" ~Lady Angelika~

In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

(in reply to bluefireeyez)

Post #: 12

RE: How does one balance submission with the desire to ... - 9/13/2009 9:15:15 AM

bluefireeyez

Posts: 119
Joined: 12/15/2008
Status: offline

Thanks everyone for your replies so far.

In reading the posts, i know that there are many things factoring into how i am feeling in regards to how much to tell Him. The truth is, yes i am afraid of losing Him because i already have a lot in my life and this is just the unneeded third layer of icing on the cake. However, as many of you have said, He is the one who should decide how much is enough.

i think i'm still getting used to being a slave. One more hurtle to jump, but it will be worth it.

(in reply to sweetsub1957)

Post #: 13

RE: How does one balance submission with the desire to ... - 9/13/2009 9:51:42 AM

slaveToKnight

Posts: 100
Joined: 8/2/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bluefireeyez

Thank you both for replying.

While i have told Him about the diagnosis and updated Him, my problem comes with sharing what i really feel. Perhaps i will simply ask Him to read the forum...lol.

i certainly do not want to push Him away...and He is someone i would like to be with for a long time. However, it is touchy for the reasons mentioned...He is human and no matter how much He (or i) wants me to lean on Him; i am afraid i may want to a little too much right now.

You guys have given me a lot to think of and some great advice..thank you again!

When you say "what I really feel" do you mean guilt about breaking a rule? If so could you try telling him you are having a particular issue in this area and that you would like his help to make you a better slave? Would that be a way to open this conversation maybe?

(in reply to bluefireeyez)

Post #: 14

RE: How does one balance submission with the desire to ... - 9/13/2009 11:56:23 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

You told him the facts. It's his choice whether he wants to hear the feelings or not.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to slaveToKnight)

Post #: 15

RE: How does one balance submission with the desire to ... - 9/13/2009 3:47:42 PM

FawneTwo

Posts: 98
Status: offline

bluefireeyez - That is a lot of pressure sorry. I don't see this as lying. You told him what is going on, hurting and bothering you. Its obvious you are upset . No deception or omission as far as I see. Maybe you aren't comfortable spilling your guts out totally to him yet.
No lie, no omission, you are containing for better or worse, I can't say. It is a new relationship. We learn.

We hear the term "drama" all the time right? Who wants to present drama? not meeee

But, you see - I don't always communicate right either. what can I say?

sympathy

< Message edited by FawneTwo -- 9/13/2009 4:39:18 PM >

(in reply to bluefireeyez)

Post #: 16

RE: How does one balance submission with the desire to ... - 9/13/2009 4:44:45 PM

MasterSlaveLA

Posts: 3991
Status: offline

You're acting in a way that's similar to those with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) act... you're creating a scenario where he cannot comfort/be there for you, and one where you will later twist your mind into believing you couldn't depend on him during a difficult time in your life -- and one that will inadvertantly cause you to do things that will ultimately end relationship.

This behavior has ZERO to do with BDSM or "balance", and EVERYTHING to do with being involved in a healthy relationship. You want a relationship? Then start acting like you're in one. How would you feel if you learned he has been keeping things from you? How would you feel if you called your Mom, and she didn't tell you how she was feeling? Wouldn't you be hurt? Wouldn't you feel untrusted? Of course you would!!!

I'm sorry for what's happening to your Mom, I really am... but by behaving in the way that you are, YOU ARE BEING SELFISH AND DISHONEST!!! Every day we see the word "Trust" thrown about these boards like M&M's... but when it REALLY comes down to trusting someone when it REALLY matters (not just to paddle your ass), then it becomes clear who TRULY trusts their partner and who doesn't.

So again, this has NOTHING to do with BDSM and EVERYTHING to do with being a trusted partner. And I'm sorry to say, right now... you're both betraying and violating his trust in you -- and to yourself.

Why did you make that promise to tell him everything in the first place? Chances are, there was good reason for it beyond the boundaries of BDSM. So keep your word... for BOTH of your sake. You don't need to call him and tell him you've not been honest with him... just begin -- TODAY -- to start keeping the promise you made... to him, and to yourself. The more you do this, the more you'll see nothing bad will come of it... and the more you'll believe he ain't headin' for the hills at the drop of a hat. In fact, it'll likely bring the two of you closer, and will dually help you get passed whatever that thing is in you (likely abandonment issues) that's causing you to behave this way.

Couples rely on each other for the simple fact that once involved, TWO BECOME ONE. It's really that simple. Now go put on your big-girl panties and start extending to him the same trust he's placed in you... to be honest; not only to each other, but to the RELATIONSHIP.

Good Luck.

< Message edited by MasterSlaveLA -- 9/13/2009 4:48:09 PM >

_____________________________

It's only kinky the first time!!!

(in reply to FawneTwo)

Post #: 17

RE: How does one balance submission with the desire to ... - 9/13/2009 5:41:27 PM

bluefireeyez

Posts: 119
Joined: 12/15/2008
Status: offline

Fawne,

You are definately right...to be full of drama is not a desirable thing i want to portray.

However, i did send Him an email telling (or trying) Him how i feel about the situation. W/we talked before He read it, but i ended up discussing some of it with Him. He is surprisingly very understanding...and encouraging.

Like a Master, He suspected i was taking it hard. He just told me that He didn't want to push me into talking about it if i wasn't ready. So, i (in my girly/overwhelmed/anxious way) overanalyzed and worried about more than i needed.

Again, thanks to everyone for your insight and words of encouragement!

(in reply to FawneTwo)

Post #: 18

RE: How does one balance submission with the desire to ... - 9/14/2009 5:50:43 AM

sublace

Posts: 201
Status: offline

Thank you for the follow up. It's nice to hear about good relationships. Take care +

(in reply to bluefireeyez)

Post #: 19

Page: [1]

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> How does one balance submission with the desire to handle difficult things independently?

Page: [1]

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.094