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RE: Pre commitment dance - 9/13/2009 1:49:45 PM

GraciousLady

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If you are not in a commited relationship you should be able to "see" anyone you want. Rules of commen sense should apply like not telling person A your seeing person B or talking about your other "dates". Of course, if your having sex with more than one person or engaging in any other type of behaviour that might put your partner of the minute at risk you have a responsibility to follow all preventitive, safety measures including not doing certain things that would be to risky when doing that activity with more than one person unless you are open and tell them. I know that sounds like talking about one "date" to another but gossip and responsiable behaviour is two different things. One more thing to be considered is the perspective of the people you are seeing. If "date" C feels you two have a closer relationship that you do then you must tell C that you are seeing others. They can decide if they wish to continue seeing you or not.

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RE: Pre commitment dance - 9/13/2009 2:33:21 PM

SexyCarrot

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To even ponder the question is yet another shining example of how common sense flies out the window when it comes to BDSM. Nobody owes anyone anything till a commitment/agreement has been established. This is no different from any other type of relationship. Kink changes nothing.

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RE: Pre commitment dance - 9/13/2009 2:36:24 PM

LaTigresse

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quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear

Wellllll if it were me, we would be formally dressed up to the nines and take a horse drawn carriage to a ball room in Vienna and spend the first part of the evening dancing those beautiful Viennese waltzes then home in the carriage and after a change of clobber, we spend a good part of the night down and dirty with not to many clothes on in the most seductive, exotic, sensual dirty dancing possible until hot, sweaty and horny bodies fell coupling on a bear skin rug by a roaring log fire. I imagine they still have those horse drawn carriages to take one to the Grand waltzes in Vienna, they did last time I went.. Just a thought any way.

IB, I wish you did not live so very far away. I would love to sit and listen to you tell stories..........for me to live vicariously through.

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RE: Pre commitment dance - 9/13/2009 3:05:44 PM

impishlilhellcat

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SexyCarrot

To even ponder the question is yet another shining example of how common sense flies out the window when it comes to BDSM. Nobody owes anyone anything till a commitment/agreement has been established. This is no different from any other type of relationship. Kink changes nothing.

Common sense is hardly common and just because it's common sense to you doesn't mean that the same rules apply for everyone else... Just saying.

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RE: Pre commitment dance - 9/13/2009 3:20:48 PM

SexyCarrot

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quote:

ORIGINAL: impishlilhellcat

quote:

ORIGINAL: SexyCarrot

To even ponder the question is yet another shining example of how common sense flies out the window when it comes to BDSM. Nobody owes anyone anything till a commitment/agreement has been established. This is no different from any other type of relationship. Kink changes nothing.

Common sense is hardly common... doesn't mean that the same rules apply for everyone else.

Doesn't speak well for everyone else, then does it?

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RE: Pre commitment dance - 9/13/2009 4:21:07 PM

DesFIP

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quote:

ORIGINAL: GraciousLady
If you are not in a commited relationship you should be able to "see" anyone you want. Rules of commen sense should apply like not telling person A your seeing person B or talking about your other "dates".

If I found out that someone I was dating was playing the field and hadn't mentioned it, I would distrust him.

See, as long as you're still playing the field then I get the opinion that you're just dating me till you can trade up. And I'm not interested in that.

I'm interested in people who actually focus on the one in front of them without thinking about the hottie he's hoping to bag tomorrow.

As long as you're dating several, you won't commit to any is my feelings on the subject. Since I focus on one at a time I am only compatible with others who do the same.

Unlike your 'common sense' approach of lying by omission, we discussed this while still in the email stage. Because we both hold this viewpoint.

And I do feel I owe a person I am seeing honesty and truthfulness for as long as we are seeing each other. And I expect the same.

It worked for us, 8 years later and still going strong.

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RE: Pre commitment dance - 9/13/2009 4:40:58 PM

littlewonder

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For me personally whenI was single I only ever dated one man at a time, whether it was "vanilla" or "lifestyle".

Then again I can't ever think of a time where there was ever more than one who was interested in me simultaneously.

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RE: Pre commitment dance - 9/13/2009 4:49:52 PM

Missokyst

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I date. I dated a few men around the time I met my x. After a short while of dating him I just stopped seeing others. When I was not with him I thought why the hell aren't I with him instead of ____? It was pretty simple, I just stopped saying yes to dates with other men.
I really think the practice of considering everyone you have dated once, the ONE, and therefore you must not date another, very limiting.

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RE: Pre commitment dance - 9/13/2009 4:55:32 PM

lizi

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When I was looking I made sure that any of the men I spoke to understood that there were other men I was in contact with. If I was dating other men I made sure they all knew that. My reason for open disclosure is that I have a choice to make and I want to make sure I make the right choice by exploring what is available to me. If anyone had a problem with that then they didn't have to stick around and weren't really the right person for me anyway. I would also want anyone I was seeing or talking with to hopefully let me know if there were any other contacts or dates in their life.

I've done it both ways where I concentrate on one person at a time or date multiple people at once. I guess it's just however I feel at the time and whatever I want to do at that point in my life.

If I felt that I wanted to spend time with just one person according to the level of commitment I felt to that particular man, then anyone else was told that I was no longer available for dating. In other words what works for me is just being honest all along the way and hoping the same is returned to me.

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RE: Pre commitment dance - 9/13/2009 8:07:14 PM

MasterFireMaam

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quote:

ORIGINAL: GraciousLady

If you are not in a commited relationship you should be able to "see" anyone you want. Rules of commen sense should apply like not telling person A your seeing person B or talking about your other "dates".

I don't agree that this is common sense. To me, this is deceitful. Person A does not need to know who person B is but both A and B deserve to know that there other people.

quote:

If "date" C feels you two have a closer relationship that you do then you must tell C that you are seeing others. They can decide if they wish to continue seeing you or not.

This awkwardness and potential hurtful behavior can be completely avoided if we are honest upfront. Not being open, honest right from the beginning, at best, tells the person you will hide stuff from them and, at worst, perpetuates the often poor communication skills we see prevalent in relationships.

Master Fire

< Message edited by MasterFireMaam -- 9/13/2009 8:08:39 PM >

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RE: Pre commitment dance - 9/13/2009 9:42:37 PM

theRose4U

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Honesty and communication are the key. If you're having initial meetings for coffee with maybe some nilla meetings on the side that's one issue where no you're really not obligated to tell anyone anything.
That being said if you're sexually involved, have comitted yourself to either side of the slash or are openly in the trial phase that leads to a more exclusive D/s then communication is VITAL!!. You need to openly tell your partner what and whom you're up to. Why depending on the level of commitment may also need to be answered...finding out SUPRISE I'm poly and "forgot to tell you" is not fun and goes a lot of bad places. SUPRISE I know I comitted myself to your consideration as a sub for the last few months but I've been talking online to someone else is also not a pretty conversation.

Being upfront, honest and talking things out in the beginning alleviated so many problems farther down the line.

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RE: Pre commitment dance - 9/13/2009 11:21:37 PM

Elipsis

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Personally I would tell them only because they deserve to know if there is any real chance that I might develop affections for somebody else and end up losing interest in them romantically.

That said I would not tell them just because I want them to feel insecure, nervous, feel like they have to compete, etc... and while you're under no obligation to tell them... I feel like it's the mature thing to do... but then again I'm also about as blunt as they come.

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RE: Pre commitment dance - 9/14/2009 8:46:38 AM

Andalusite

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Back when I was looking, I was very up-front that I wasn't going to be the first one to offer commitment, and didn't want to fall for someone who wasn't going to catch me. I'd been burned by someone who seemed interested in me romantically, sexually, in kink, and on vanilla levels (similar interests and hanging out with friends together), but who wasn't looking for a girlfriend and didn't want any commitment. I didn't want to repeat that. Once things started getting more serious with my (now) Master, I specifically told any other guys I went out with that I'd gone out several times with someone, and it seemed like it might be heading toward a commitment. I also was very up-front with him about my seeing other people, and appreciated that he wasn't jealous or upset with me, since he hadn't yet "taken me off the market," so to speak. I did agree after a couple of months not to be intimate sexually or in kinky ways with anyone else without telling him first (I didn't need to ask permission, per se, but no hiding). It didn't come up, actually, but figuring out those boundaries and talking about feelings, commitment and all of that stuff really helped deepen our bond.