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RE: Shifting the goal posts. Did your dom/dome strongly... - 9/14/2009 9:54:55 PM   
Acer49


Posts: 1434
Joined: 8/7/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MartinP

Shifting the goal posts. Did your dom/dome strongly alter your relationship or your life after the collaring?

This is a question aimed at the submissives in a longer relationship. but all can join, naturally.

In an other thread, I read how some masters completely change the relationship and life of their newly acquired slave. Usually it is not to improve the slave’s life…


The image I used was:

Before collaring, the master described the relation limited to some play, a bit of nudity and the occasional spanking.
After some months the slave is surprised to live in complete nudity, eat on the floor from a bowl and to be regularly caned.
Nothing of the new treatment has ever been mentioned before as an option, or just in a blanket statement (you will be my slave and will do what I want).

Maybe it is a bit coarse, but I sure that it is understandable for everybody.

Has anybody here experienced such a shift of the goal posts after his or her collaring?
What was the extent?
What was the explanations of the dominant for such an “unexpected” shift?
How did you cope with it?

Take care

Martin

I remember


For myself, I do not like surprises nor do I believe one should go from one extreme to another. During negotation, I have always told a submissive what will happen, what won't and what might happen. In turn, I expect a submissive to supply a like list as to what will do what she won't do and what she might be willing to do. If a submissive does not know herself well enough, then I might have to reconsider whether or not she is right for me. As far as the OP's example, it leaves out to much information to make a proper decision. I do not think that nudity, humiliation and impact play were not discussed as these are three of the most basic concepts in this lifestyle



_____________________________

Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.
Harvey Fierstein

(in reply to MartinP)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Shifting the goal posts. Did your dom/dome strongly... - 9/15/2009 7:25:01 AM   
MartinP


Posts: 39
Joined: 9/11/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: AnimusRex

The drastic example used by the Op is so far as I know, extreme, and extremely unusual. ...SORORITY GIRL SLAVE CAMP!!! (in 3D flesh-o-vison!!)



Animus, as I said already, it not an real example. In my OP I used the expression "Image". Maybe your 3D glasses are hindering your vision ;-)


MartinP,

I remember

(in reply to AnimusRex)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Shifting the goal posts. Did your dom/dome strongly... - 9/15/2009 7:34:48 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MartinP


quote:

ORIGINAL: AnimusRex

The drastic example used by the Op is so far as I know, extreme, and extremely unusual. ...SORORITY GIRL SLAVE CAMP!!! (in 3D flesh-o-vison!!)



Animus, as I said already, it not an real example. In my OP I used the expression "Image".



What about attempting to offer a scenario or image that is real or more likely?

the.dark.

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RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to MartinP)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Shifting the goal posts. Did your dom/dome strongly... - 9/15/2009 8:07:22 AM   
MartinP


Posts: 39
Joined: 9/11/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

Carol and I had been together a long time before the collaring. You can damned well bet that I'm changing the relationship... in some ways fairly dramatically. Don't get me wrong, we've had a happy marriage.


I suppose you are still happily married and this is a lapsus ;-)

quote:


In our case though, there's nothing insidious or devious about it. What, exactly, would be the point in me taking a managerial role over our marriage if I didn't think I could somehow improve things?


Even in management schools they teach today how important an open and honest communication is to a successful leadership.

I am sure you are doing that because shifting the goalposts or keeping the troops in the dark about the leader's true and ultimate objectives are not signs of true leadership.

quote:


Some of the specific changes are troublesome to Carol. But you have to take that in the overall context of her being delireously happy.


I read this as, you arranged Carol to be "delireously happy", but some changes may be marring a bit her bliss.

I wonder if your better half would not be even more delireously happy if you had discussed these changes with her and she had had her say on them.

Another way to read it -- again only my interpretation -- is that since she is globally very happy, you consider that she has to accept things that she may not like or even strongly dislike -- but that you like, or consider good for the couple, as long as the balance is overly positive.





_____________________________

Martin P

I remember

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Shifting the goal posts. Did your dom/dome strongly... - 9/15/2009 9:17:11 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MartinP
Another way to read it -- again only my interpretation -- is that since she is globally very happy, you consider that she has to accept things that she may not like or even strongly dislike -- but that you like, or consider good for the couple, as long as the balance is overly positive.
Correct. My decision making process is focused around "good for us". Sometimes what is good for us happens to be good for her and bad for me. Other times it's the other way around. Most frequently, it's good for both of us. But I'm not really much concerned with each of us as an individual when I'm making the decisions.

In terms of the communication, I very certainly DO discuss these things with her up front. I'm hard pressed to understand how she can follow me if I don't tell her where I'm going. Above and beyond that because of the decision process I use, her input carries non-trivial weight.

I don't really have a very "masterly" view on all this. I see myself as leading a team of two with the goal of raising the overall level of happiness in the relationship. The whole "me tarzan, you jane" thing isn't much of a thrill to me.


_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to MartinP)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Shifting the goal posts. Did your dom/dome strongly... - 9/15/2009 9:37:15 AM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MartinP


some changes may be marring a bit her bliss.




Yes, some of them will along the way in a relationship, but I am willing to trade that bit of bliss for the bucketsful I gain over the lifetime of a strong, long term partnership.

lovingpet

(in reply to MartinP)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Shifting the goal posts. Did your dom/dome strongly... - 9/15/2009 10:45:12 PM   
MichaelinKaysvil


Posts: 2
Joined: 7/26/2009
Status: offline 		Ive been ghosting on the forums for a while now.  I have to agree with the statements about a submissive knowing herself.

As a dom, its scary sometimes when a submissive says she has no limits, or just lists a few almost self evident ones (a-la no killing puppies). 

The more a submissive is willing to explain what she likes or doesnt like the better the relationships have been.  The submissives who have been the most concerned with the terms of the submission have ALWAYS been the most rewarding relationships.

SERIOUSLY, as a Dom, you should be able to come up with more than one way to satisfy yourself.  A hard limit on calling her a slut for example might not mean that she doesnt mind being called a sextoy, etc. (I still get what I was looking for, that look in her eyes when she realizes that she is fully and completely owned.)

So all you wonderful thoughtful submissives out there, (I know your here because we have been reading your posts and talking about you).  Give us a break and give us as much information as you can.  Trust us to come up with a mutually acceptable way to achieve BOTH of our desires.

M

(in reply to lovingpet)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Shifting the goal posts. Did your dom/dome strongly... - 9/16/2009 5:08:09 AM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		Contrary to how my posts sound now, I was once upon a time a girl with a nice, healthy list of things I just simply wasn't ever going to for anyone. I had a lot of restrictions up about how I was willing to have the dynamic run. I knew oh so much and was more than happy to lay this all out for anyone who would listen. I wasn't brash, loud, or stupid in all this, but looking back now, I realize that there was a huge missing element that I never included in my thinking. That was...the right partner. Notice I did not say a good partner (good being relative). The right partner is a fit that is rather undeniable.

When that missing part came into my life, a lot of things didn't have a place anymore. We still discussed all the things I loved and wanted. We talked about those things that leave me feeling uncomfortable or that I need a special level of trust to even consider. I was also explicit about some things that I just really believe(d) I could never do for any reason with anybody. He went deeper with these discussions than had ever been done previously. He wanted the reasons and motivations behind each one. He was looking for the deep dark issues, desires, and fears hidden well below the surface. We still reevaluate this territory all the time and we are definitely an "off the bloom" couple. We've been together long enough to struggle some and face each other's shortcomings and our own. All of this has brought me to where I am now.

Some time ago, I laid aside my limits. They aren't forgotten. I still feel the same way I did before about many of them. If the term "no limits" is what that is, then that's what I am. It is a level of trust I have placed upon my partner. He knows me well enough to determine when and if I am ready for any of those things we discussed in such depth before. He's earned that kind of respect and faith from me. I could let go only because I knew he would take them upon himself and be responsible in overseeing them. It is an intensity and amazing freedom that I can't explain for me.

The point to my ramblings is that I can always spell out every little thing I am willing to do, comfortable with, etc. In the early goings, I WILL be heard or I WILL be gone, as a matter of fact. My assertion is that taking it a step (many steps) further as the dominant brings with it a security and level of trust that lends itself well to getting the best out of the submissive. Most of us are going to be doing our best all the time, but conditions dictate just what that "best" is. Your careful attention to these things and the way you handle them helps a submissive person to thrive in your hand. It leads to an ever expanding, joyous relationship, not one that shrinks and goes stale. Just the thoughts of one of those silly "no limits" (whatever that means) submissives.

lovingpet

(in reply to MichaelinKaysvil)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Shifting the goal posts. Did your dom/dome strongly... - 9/16/2009 6:58:53 AM   
MartinP


Posts: 39
Joined: 9/11/2009
Status: offline 		Jeff,

You are what Voltaire considered the optimal governement: le despote éclairé.
You communicate about the changes, get the input of Carol and then take the decision alone.

I am afraid that your initial post did not read like that.

I suppose I would be putting my nose where I should not if I asked what kind of changes are unsettling Carroll.

HAND

_____________________________

Martin P

I remember

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Shifting the goal posts. Did your dom/dome strongly... - 9/16/2009 7:03:03 AM   
MartinP


Posts: 39
Joined: 9/11/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet


The point to my ramblings is that I can always spell out every little thing I am willing to do, comfortable with, etc. In the early goings, I WILL be heard or I WILL be gone, as a matter of fact. My assertion is that taking it a step (many steps) further as the dominant brings with it a security and level of trust that lends itself well to getting the best out of the submissive. Most of us are going to be doing our best all the time, but conditions dictate just what that "best" is. Your careful attention to these things and the way you handle them helps a submissive person to thrive in your hand. It leads to an ever expanding, joyous relationship, not one that shrinks and goes stale. Just the thoughts of one of those silly "no limits" (whatever that means) submissives.

lovingpet


Hello Lovingpet,

if I correctly understood you, the situation evolved by itself, and you are the one who recognised that your limits had no relevance anymore.

Sounds good and happy to me

HAND

_____________________________

Martin P

I remember

(in reply to lovingpet)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Shifting the goal posts. Did your dom/dome strongly... - 9/16/2009 9:23:10 AM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MartinP


quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet


The point to my ramblings is that I can always spell out every little thing I am willing to do, comfortable with, etc. In the early goings, I WILL be heard or I WILL be gone, as a matter of fact. My assertion is that taking it a step (many steps) further as the dominant brings with it a security and level of trust that lends itself well to getting the best out of the submissive. Most of us are going to be doing our best all the time, but conditions dictate just what that "best" is. Your careful attention to these things and the way you handle them helps a submissive person to thrive in your hand. It leads to an ever expanding, joyous relationship, not one that shrinks and goes stale. Just the thoughts of one of those silly "no limits" (whatever that means) submissives.

lovingpet


Hello Lovingpet,

if I correctly understood you, the situation evolved by itself, and you are the one who recognised that your limits had no relevance anymore.

Sounds good and happy to me

HAND


I wouldn't necessarily say "evolved". My partner grew things this way very intentionally. He wanted me to be able to transfer even one of the last vestiges of power to him. He has always respected my limits, though he had every intention slowly peeling one away after another. In the end, it has resulted in a transparency and communion with another with no barriers at all. This was his purpose all along, but he had to make it so by his own preparation and guidance. Evolution or not, where we are is very satisfying to us both.

lovingpet

(in reply to MartinP)
Profile   Post #: 31
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