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slavejali -> RE: Innocence (was RE: Finding faults?) (2/28/2006 12:57:30 PM)
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The way I can relate to this topic is from my experience in my first marriage.
I met my first husband when I was 14, he was older than me. He was very dominating and controlling and the relationship was certainly abusive.
He would critisise everything, he would pick me to pieces. Everything he said i took to heart. All i wanted to do was please him and feel his love so i found myself constantly re-evaulating myself to try to find all these errors so that i could please him more.
Eventually, i began to feel like little miss void girl. There was nothing left of me. i was like a robot in many ways and was certainly the doormat that is described on these boards so often.
One day, after i had taken a pretty major beating, I was sitting alone and the thought occurred to me...I'm going to die if i stay here. I knew I had a decision to make, stay and die, or leave. I ran.
I left and had nothing and no one. My family disowned me for leaving, they had the attitude that "I made my bed, i should lay in it". They loved my first husband and had no idea about the relationship. When i told them, they disbelieved me.
Basically, I had nothing, not even a sense of self left.
After that, I started to meditate and heal, it was a long process and in many ways now I'm grateful to my first husband. He had peeled me away to such a degree, that I was left with no illusions about myself or life. I realised what was important in life and realised I wasnt such a bad person after all.
Another aspect to this was, during my healing phase I did go through a period, where I felt there was no way I was ever going to let anyone control or dominate me again. It wasnt until i met my first Master that I realised something else had been taken away from me in that first marriage, my spirit of submission/slavery which was in my very nature and the reason I had been attracted to that first relationship from the start. I did realise however too that there were such a thing as Masters, who were very different from abusers....i let myself feel this again and have never looked back since.
So, the only advice I can offer here from my experience is:
When someone finds fault with you, check if there is any validity in what that person is saying, hey none of us are perfect and can all do with some "refinement" yet at the same time, gain a confidence in your good points so that no one can ever influence you to believe you are something you're not ever again.
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