So, am I too weird for all this?

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petitbateau -> So, am I too weird for all this? (9/16/2009 2:22:51 AM)
I know I am what I am. I know my place: is to serve and please and obey. I came to this point in my life after a lot of problems, after a lot of battles with myself and this is a sort of no turning point for me: I'm a slave and I know it. It took me time to come to this understanding and now I have to move on and find finally the guidance I need, the ownership to complete me, for alone I feel like I'm nothing. But here comes the troubles... I had few experiences and every experience adds more uncertainty instead of giving me the reassurance that I'm in the right place... for every Master I was with, just dumped me at the first sign of problems or just cheated to me so much that I couldn't trust him any more. I know I'm not easy, I'm not just a slut (I would like to be that way but I'm not at the moment) as everyone seems to look for... but what stops everything for me is as simply as that: my mind (for my sexual pleasure derives totally from that). I've never been able to find someone for I never found someone superior to me, somehow. Either they're not strong enough or smart enough to keep my interest up and running, or after a month I come to an understanding of them and the relationship we're building and I ask questions to understand more and I meet a dead end... maybe I studied too much? I feel so badly that I need to please, that I need to serve, I feel so badly that sometimes this feelings hurts... but I never found someone strong enough to overcome me, someone strict enough to put me in my place and keep me there, someone smart enough to understand more than I do. At the first sign of deepness, the first complication, they all flee. At the first sign of my weaknesses (all of them of psychological nature rather than physical) they all flee. I am always truthful, I never lie with a Master, I always speaks what's in my heart. So is maybe in that that I'm wrong? But how can I build trust by lying? Am I simply unsuitable for a Master? and then why I feel so strongly the need to serve, why I feel so badly the willingness to be completely open for a Master? I have too many questions in my mind. And so far I never found someone able to give me the answers. °__° Am I too weird then?

MadameMarque -> RE: So, am I too weird for all this? (9/16/2009 3:27:42 AM)
It seems to me that you haven't found anyone yet, with whom you have mutual abiding feelings. You tell a story of how either you're not good enough for them or they're not good enough for you, you get to know each other, till either they or you are unimpressed by how the other plays their role. It sounds as if you love the game more than the players, and you're looking for whoever does it right. I do totally understand wanting to be satisfied. You're looking for a certain dynamic to satisfy you. It's just - when you find someone and you just spontaneously react to them and they react to you, you'll be feeling, not thinking about feeling. So, I don't think you've found that person with whom you have that irresistible force, yet. In the meantime, you're being pretty brutal on yourself and others about who's too weak and not perfect. "If his love is to be called perverse, then let it be so, for maybe love is too great to be normal, too intense to be sane." - from commentary on the film Gekko no Sasayaki aka Moonlight Whispers, http://imdb.com/title/tt0208178/usercomments

lovingpet -> RE: So, am I too weird for all this? (9/16/2009 5:38:35 AM)
Superior just rings my bell! Where is Leadership when I need him? Superior how? You had trouble articulating it in your OP and my guess is there is a reason for that. You will not be of lesser quality than your dominant other. At the end of the day, you are both human beings with strengths, weaknesses, flaws, hopes, dreams, scars, and all of it. Matching those up to find a fit that is undeniable will not lead you to someone superior. It will lead you to a clay man, a person, filled with a humanity that molds to you, that is, a compatible person. Where you go together and the relationship and life you form belongs to you both. It is your shared vision and your realized potential. I don't blame you for having exacting standards for finding this person. If I am to follow, you had better be a worthy and capable leader. I wish more people would be so picky, honestly. I would spend a lot less time on the message boards helping to pick up the broken pieces of one heart after another. It will come naturally and easily to submit to someone who really fits you and that has demonstrated his ability to control you and lead you to your betterment, his, and the relationship's as a whole. If it is some difficult uphill climb all the time, I doubt you have found that person and achieved the kind of relationship that will ultimately allow you to thrive. Compatiblity does not need to be total. If it were, then we would basically be in a relationship with ourselves and that is a horror to consider for me personally. The essential and core areas need that proper overlap. Many other things can be different and left as room to grow into each other and explore together. I would challenge you to wait. Be extremely patient. Don't enter into this with just anybody. You are worth more and your partner deserves better than someone rushing in due to lonliness, desperation, or growing unfulfilled desires. Take this time and learn more about yourself and about that core that you must share with another. Decide what it is you are really wanting out of all this. I found my best successes when I took the time to look through profiles and wrote first. I found people whose words and (yeah this will sound nutty) energy in their words drew me. One of those is the partner I talk about on these boards and with whom I am sharing a deep and, hopefully, lifelong relationship. I don't know if this really addressed your OP, but it is what I know about finding the right partner. It is what I have had to learn along the way about my own worth within a relationship, despite my position. If you want to see more about this issue of superior/inferior, more/less, you can see my own struggle with this very issue on the General Discussion boards here. The title was The Name of a Natural Dynamic. I wish I was better and providing links, but the search feature should get you there. I was struggling over accepting the label of slave (which I know you say you have come to terms with), but it got into a whole lot more. I wish you all the best on your journey and a relationship full of happiness when the time is right. lovingpet

allthatjaz -> RE: So, am I too weird for all this? (9/16/2009 7:23:37 AM)
Hi petitbateau, please can you tell us if your Masters were bi or gay?

Wantstocontrolu -> RE: So, am I too weird for all this? (9/16/2009 10:16:49 AM)
you are not too weird. you just have not found a Masterbwho will give more then lip service. be patient you will if it is ment to happen.

Rule -> RE: So, am I too weird for all this? (9/16/2009 10:18:09 AM)
FR You want a square to be also a circle. That is not possible. The slave is on a journey from master to master. The first master must be truly dominant and protective, enabling you to become the ultimate slave. He has high IQ, but is no match for your brain. The second master must comprehend all; but is no match for your soul. The third master lacks everything that you have and vice versa.

lovingpet -> RE: So, am I too weird for all this? (9/16/2009 10:40:36 AM)
It's just like the Three Little Bears... eventually you will find the one that is juuuuust right. lovingpet

bravemax -> RE: So, am I too weird for all this? (9/16/2009 5:28:20 PM)
How about a stint on a soup van? Service with a smile needed there. Maybe you are looking for a relationship to give you more than it can? After all if we were completed by our others wouldn't we just lay down and die with them after we meet.

petitbateau -> RE: So, am I too weird for all this? (9/18/2009 3:11:06 AM)
Thanks to everyone for the kind replies... I understand I still have a lot of experience to do... it's just that I met so many people in this years (not so many for normal standards, but many for my standards lol) that sometimes I lost my hope. Maybe I'm too smart? LOL that would be hubris... :p it's just that when I meet someone and we speak and we get through the usual things and we know each other better, I start to realize this person doesn't see me, doesn't understand me. I know what's the different because I had a boyfriend with that spark and I know what's like understanding each other almost without words... so, I'm just worried sometimes I won't find anyone else like that, now I realized my place °_° @lovingpet : yes, you're right. I have problems articulating for I am italian :) and even if I speak and write fairly well english, sometimes I use the wrong word for they are very similar to the italian ones LOL but the fact is that I still need to feel my Master to be somehow "more" than me... like someone that could see and understand where I cannot see or understand, someone to learn from, someone I admire... about the relationship, I agree on what you say, there's no perfect one (although I aim for it, I know we must bow our heads to the hard reality lol)... I'll have a look to the thread you told me now. pretty curious ;) but well... maybe I'm just too picky. and that would be interesting to analyse eheh @bravemax: maybe I am looking for something to give me more that it can. I don't see it's necessary wrong, as long as one knows that perfection is impossible, aiming to that perfection is just a way to find something as close as possible to that. quote: ORIGINAL: allthatjaz can you tell us if your Masters were bi or gay? Gay mainly °__° Why?

bravemax -> RE: So, am I too weird for all this? (9/18/2009 3:34:35 PM)
The problem with aiming for "perfection" (as you put it) in relationships where perfection is impossible, is that you are negating the worth of whatever can be achieved there as well as missing where else you can be looking for -in your case- service.. I think you are setting any dom you get involved with up to fail. Any wonder you're dissatisfied. Personally I am glad my chosen one was not waiting for me to bring them completion but was actively pursuing a range of interests which she still maintains. I recommend this course of action to you. Alternatively why not ask those who "fled your honesty" why they feel they left? Be brave enough to listen to how they experienced you and strong enough that you don't treat their words as gospel.

Acer49 -> RE: So, am I too weird for all this? (9/19/2009 10:09:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: petitbateau I know I am what I am. I know my place: is to serve and please and obey. I came to this point in my life after a lot of problems, after a lot of battles with myself and this is a sort of no turning point for me: I'm a slave and I know it. It took me time to come to this understanding and now I have to move on and find finally the guidance I need, the ownership to complete me, for alone I feel like I'm nothing. But here comes the troubles... I had few experiences and every experience adds more uncertainty instead of giving me the reassurance that I'm in the right place... for every Master I was with, just dumped me at the first sign of problems or just cheated to me so much that I couldn't trust him any more. I know I'm not easy, I'm not just a slut (I would like to be that way but I'm not at the moment) as everyone seems to look for... but what stops everything for me is as simply as that: my mind (for my sexual pleasure derives totally from that). I've never been able to find someone for I never found someone superior to me, somehow. Either they're not strong enough or smart enough to keep my interest up and running, or after a month I come to an understanding of them and the relationship we're building and I ask questions to understand more and I meet a dead end... maybe I studied too much? I feel so badly that I need to please, that I need to serve, I feel so badly that sometimes this feelings hurts... but I never found someone strong enough to overcome me, someone strict enough to put me in my place and keep me there, someone smart enough to understand more than I do. At the first sign of deepness, the first complication, they all flee. At the first sign of my weaknesses (all of them of psychological nature rather than physical) they all flee. I am always truthful, I never lie with a Master, I always speaks what's in my heart. So is maybe in that that I'm wrong? But how can I build trust by lying? Am I simply unsuitable for a Master? and then why I feel so strongly the need to serve, why I feel so badly the willingness to be completely open for a Master? I have too many questions in my mind. And so far I never found someone able to give me the answers. °__° Am I too weird then? Individuals who call them selves Masters, do not run at the first sign of trouble, they never consider lying as acceptable in any situation and should they not know something, must be mature enough to admit that. I content you have never been with one deserving of the title. You have simply not met the right one

IronBear -> RE: So, am I too weird for all this? (9/20/2009 7:31:22 AM)
FR to the OP Two questions: Define weird please. Do you feel weird? If the answer to question number two is in the negative, that you do not feel weird, the chances are you are not weird at all depending on your answer to question one.

angelikaJ -> RE: So, am I too weird for all this? (9/20/2009 8:27:15 AM)
My answer to the OP, while perhaps sounding silly, is meant in all seriousness. You are probably no more weird than most of us. It just might take awhile to find someone you are compatible with... and that is the same experience most of us have had too.

petitbateau -> RE: So, am I too weird for all this? (9/22/2009 3:20:01 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: IronBear Define weird please. Do you feel weird? If the answer to question number two is in the negative, that you do not feel weird, the chances are you are not weird at all depending on your answer to question one. 1. I would say weird means unusual, strange. 2. I do feel weird sometimes. Mainly because I never met anyone sharing my tastes or my habits (outside BDSM strictly speaking...) Mine was sort of a ironical question though. Aren't we all weird in our own way? :D quote: ORIGINAL: angelikaJ It just might take awhile to find someone you are compatible with... and that is the same experience most of us have had too. Indeed. Maybe I'm not patient enough... I have to wait more... but I waited so much and time is runniiiing and I'll grow old and useless at this rate LOL °_° j/k it's just that it seems impossible to find someone matching my simple hopes for a serious s/M relationship. eh. I guess waiting on the river, sitting on the rock, is no more an option. I just wanted to now if there was something wrong in me. Maybe there is, maybe I just want what's impossible ; ;

petitbateau -> RE: So, am I too weird for all this? (9/22/2009 11:23:02 AM)
I read the topic you told me... it's very interesting indeed and I found something I felt but I didn't have word to express. now I do. what I never found since now is someone that I can trust so much to feel he totally understands me, that he can make the right decision for me, that I can be transparent for him, an open book, completely. I don't know exactly what that makes of me. I was just missing the words maybe and now I have them and everything is a bit more clear. that doesn't in any way lighten the feeling of being a "weird" for all the dead ends I met on my way. >,> again, I ask too much? eheh

Celtgal -> RE: So, am I too weird for all this? (9/22/2009 12:33:55 PM)
I will speak for myself. Part of it, I believe is the impatience of youth. I have children older than you. What I mean by that is it will be a great long time before you even get close to the "old and uselsess" department. I have much silver in my hair, and am a very long way from old and useless. I do not believe that you are weird. You are what you are, just as I am what I am. It has taken me a very long journey to find my perfect fit. With patience, this can happen for you also.

ranja -> RE: So, am I too weird for all this? (9/23/2009 2:07:26 AM)
Sometimes it is difficult to wait for love, it can not be forced though also nobody is perfect, so no Master is either, we are all flawed a Master is only more than you because you put him higher... if you do not put him higher than yourself, then he is not and then you are disappointed, so in effect you disappoint yourself are you brattish? do you test your Dominant partners to see how smart and strong they are? if you are brattish at times maybe you can give your partner a way to deal with you to shut you up and put you in your place as you obviously crave. For my Husband it works to pinch or tickle me or slap me or push me or force me on my knees... it is usually a great relief for both of us when He stops me in my uppity tracks and puts me in my place

petitbateau -> RE: So, am I too weird for all this? (9/28/2009 12:02:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Celtgal , I believe is the impatience of youth.. (cut). With patience, this can happen for you also. thank you Celt :) I didn't meant to say that being old = being useless... it's just that sometimes, especially since entering the BDSM scene, I always hear things like that slave past 35 are done and so on... maybe it's a gay thing, I don't know. I also tend to think I suffer of a sort of Dorian Gray syndrome LOL but, again, you pointed out something right... maybe I just need patience... but patience sometimes leads to stasis, at least for me. I passed years being patient and I didn't find nothing but more nightmares and now I have even to cope with an acquired difficult in dealing with relationship for all the years I waited and hoped something could happen and it didn't... >,> I'm just overly complicated ahah... in that maybe I'm weird somehow quote: ORIGINAL: ranja are you brattish? do you test your Dominant partners to see how smart and strong they are? if you are brattish at times maybe you can give your partner a way to deal with you to shut you up and put you in your place as you obviously crave. as you spoke of it, I had a sort of epiphany. I tend to do it, I tend to test... I have somehow huge problems with trust and yes, I test Doms sometimes but what happened is that nobody so far even sensed the test or passed it somehow. I guess someone able to "smell" the test and put me in the right place, would have been indeed what I need for. yet it didn't happen so I was thinking, like I explained, if maybe I'm just too complicated for this (by this meaning mainly the BDSM scene, although my interest is mainly in a slave/Master relationship ohoho) hmmm these days I'm thinking too much, my head is burning! XD

ranja -> RE: So, am I too weird for all this? (9/28/2009 12:45:10 PM)
... that means that you are not being honest... if you want putting in your place you have to ask... a 'new' dominant might just think you are difficult and unreasonable and not very good slave material and walk... if you are open and honest and play more with it instead of sneakily but seriously testing people you might have more fun and find that your 'new' man is quite capable of putting you in your place... things will not work out if you secretly 'test' a dominant... they sense it and walk...

petitbateau -> RE: So, am I too weird for all this? (9/28/2009 1:20:27 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ranja they sense it and walk... again, you're right. it's not that I put people on test on purpose though maybe I explained it wrongly (english is not my natural language ; ;) ... it's more like that I see something happening and I think they're somehow tests of a kind. I've always been open about this with all the Doms I've been with and almost always I didn't received anything but vague comments when not just blunt negations... maybe just speaking in general is difficult to explain... it happened me a lot of times that after explaining that I need to play slow (mainly to build a bit of trust with the Dom in question), setting up hard limits and soft ones (speaking of soft limits like things that I feel comfortable - or uncomfortable but still needed in a slave life - to do only after a mutual built trust), the soft limits are broken after a second and that put me in a position I don't want to be with a total or semi-total stranger... or also when I've been asked to explain my feeling with honesty and I do and explain them and then I see actions put in place that basically negates or aggravates so calling feelings... I asked myself serveral times if that's normal, if that's part of being a slave (although I tended to present myself usually more as a sub than as a slave previously). I'm merely speaking of situation happening the first times of course, not of something happening after trust has been established... I tend to analyse everything and this examples are for me like trust tests not passed... maybe I'm too much closed up or just a lot paranoid. in that I might be weird :) hmmm. is just sometimes very difficult to understand alone what's going one, and when I seek for help I can't find hardly anything.

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