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stella41b -> RE: Is my partner a switch or a sub - or is it too soon to tell. And what the hell am I? (9/17/2009 6:49:25 AM)
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Hmmm, it's hard to know where to begin here, but I'll take a stab anyway. First thing is I'm really sorry that you feel it's hard to be understood and that you have to look so hard to find the right advice or answers, that you have obviously already been through so much, that you are feeling insecure and somewhat torn and confused. I'm also inclined to believe that perhaps your partner feels something similar and that was probably why she went behind your back to meet with this dom and explore her more submissive side.
Okay, so maybe let's try at the heart of the matter, the nitty gritty, the important bit. Why are we here? Why do we do what we do and why do we seek to form the relationships we form? Yes, these are rhetorical questions, but the answer is to be who we really are, at any given moment in time, to be happy, to make each other happy, and to find and give to others those feelings of pleasure, fulfillment, to scratch those itches, so as to live a more fulfilling, happier, more enriched and meaningful life.
I don't want to talk about fault, blame, but would rather talk about why, and hopefully here write something which may help to promote understanding. Now you say you have this 20 year relationship with your partner, and from what you have posted it would appear to have been very much vanilla up until six months ago when it changed and it became more kinky. But the one thing I would like to know here is when all this new side developed in your relationship, did any of the basic relationship between you and your partner change, was there any changes in the way you interacted with each other? Did you start communicating with each other differently?
You see I strongly believe that life is linear and happens in stages, it is event based, but relationships on the other hand occur in cycles and are largely cyclical in nature, each person adopts a pattern which repeats itself and when two people come together these patterns merge to become one pattern, only the patterns and cycles change because we as people age, grow, mature and develop and so too does our relationships.
Now I may be wrong here because though you have both been involved in this new kinky side for six months it doesn't necessarily mean that you haven't been aware of it for much longer. Maybe you have, maybe you haven't, I don't have that information but what I do know is is that six months when it comes to kink isn't a long time. What I'm picking up here is that the relationship has developed to the extent that old patterns are conflicting with newer patterns, the cycles have changed and just as you were becoming used to the newer patterns and cycles your partner went off and introduced even newer patterns and cycles and this is where you have become confused, lost and insecure.
I'm kind of in a funny situation here because I feel I can see it from both perspectives, your's and that of your partner's. I'm a transgendered female, the last of the pre-Internet generation, and I spent way more than six months discovering myself in the absence of support and reliable information until I discovered the Internet and well.. things changed. My path is different of course, but I did form vanilla relationships with women as my former self, and I did go through that stage of thinking I was a crossdresser and doing what you did with a female partner doing what she did, and I can understand perhaps what is going through your mind. But not just because I thought of myself as a crossdresser, but also because on a couple of occasions I was in a vanilla relationship with a woman (as a male) but needed to be in a relationship with another woman as a woman where I was submissive and on a couple of occasions I went behind my vanilla partner's back to meet a dominant woman. It wasn't until some time had past, a few people got hurt, I got hurt and a marriage destroyed that I realized the truth and decided to be myself, who I am today and face up to my issues (the only other alternative was to slowly kill myself and bring more pain and suffering to those close to me - no thanks).
If you are happy as you are and doing what you are doing with people who make you happy then accept yourself as you are, that you do as you do, and feel free to choose your own labels as and when you like. Please don't worry about what box you fit into with regard to other people, it doesn't matter, they're not you and I'm writing this on the basis of over 20 years such experience of trying to fit myself into boxes for other people and doing not much more than creating pain, misery, drama and by degree destroying myself. It doesn't matter and it's never worth it.
I also feel the fear, insecurity and apprehension you must be feeling knowing that your partner feels that she has a need to submit to other men. You must feel as if Pandora's Box has well and truly opened. Yes she might be a switch, just as much as she might actually also be a domme who has a submissive side and probably somewhat more unlikely but still possible that she is a female submissive with a domme side or is en route to being a submissive female who was once formerly domme. I'm sitting here really wishing that I could give you a definite answer which is accurate on this one, but I can't and I'm not entirely convinced that anyone can other than she herself. Yes, eight paragraphs further and I'm still no closer to answering any of your questions.
However one thing is for sure, you both need to accept the fact that your relationship has changed, is changing, and that you both need to sit down together and reevaluate the relationship on all sides so that the patterns and the cycles match up, at least for this moment in time.
Now you've written that she has a submissive side that she tells you you cannot satisfy and you here haven't come up with anything to contradict this. Does this mean that you haven't tried? Is she making this assertion on the assumption that as you are submissive and she is dominant that the roles cannot be reversed? Have you tried this? If so, what happened? If not, why not? Would you (both of you) be prepared to try so as to keep the relationship between the two of you and monogamous?
That is just one possibility. There are other possibilities, in that either one or both of you become poly - same deal as a monogamous relationship, you both have to be honest with each other, above board, open, and also with anyone either of you become involved with - on the simplest level that you allow her to go off and submit to a dom that you're both happy with without letting it affect your relationship.
But then again I just go to your profile and there I read that you are curious about having a real cock up your ass and also about doms, and therefore I feel I have to ask you here which is your bigger problem (from your perspective) is it insecurity in your relationship caused by your partner expressing her submissive side or is it more to do with you and you accepting that you might want to submit to others whilst wearing women's underwear? Was this profile written whilst you were in confusion?
I'm not trying to make any judgments here, but simply trying to understand better. But one thing I do know is that both of you need to talk this through much more, be completely on the level with each other and perhaps give yourselves more time and do a bit more exploration and self-searching, perhaps working at a bit more 'depth' into your relationship which reflects this increased awareness before either of you draw any concrete conclusions.
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