relationship advice (Full Version)

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subrob23 -> relationship advice (9/17/2009 11:01:21 AM)

Hi all this is my first post and serious one so be gentle. Also thankyou for reading what i think might turn out to be a bit lengthy, I want subs/slaves and Mistress's opinions so I am going to repost this.

When I was 16 or 17 I discovered BDSM (thanks internet). When I was 18 I paid a visit to my first pro mistress whom I saw several times but roughly when I hit 20 I met a women whos not into bdsm in anyway really. But she ticked every other box and we've now been together 3 years, have a house, mortgage all the big ties and commitments save actually being married.

Anyway I never though of bdsm as a big thing it was fun sure but not something when considering I was happy with everything else in my relationship that was going to bother me. But just lately well in truth this thought has been building for a while. I think I need to submit to someone and I think I want to enter into a 24/7 relationshop and become a full time slave I think if I could have that plus what I do now I would be an extremly content person.  Obviosuly though I have some but not loads of experience and I don't know fully what a 24/7 relationship with a mistress would be like but who does really until you do it.

My attempt at broaching the subject with my girlfriend didn't go well she doesn';t want to top me and i don't think she fully realsises quite how important this is to me or even how it can be a lifestyle choice and not just bedroom games.

I don't want to hurt her, but also if were throug then I suppose I have to, I'm also scared and worried about the little details like seperating our money, wha\t do we do with the house and the mortgage, how will it affect her, I still care about her a great deal. I also don't earn enough to even rent a place on my own shes the bigger bread winner so where will i go, I moved to a city away from my friends and realtives to live with her. So I would love some advice or to hear from anyone who has had to end a vanaila relationship so pursue a bdsm relationship.



DavanKael -> RE: relationship advice (9/17/2009 11:07:42 AM)

< groans and genuinely feels for this situation > 
I didn't end my marriage over it but my ex- not caring about my needs and perpetually refusing me (not just bdsm stuff) helped nail the coffin. 
Gosh, dude...the situation sucks. 
If you've just talked about it once, I think that unless you're looking for a reason to end the relationship, you need to try more. 
That having been said, if you really are unable to reach some accord and you're determined that the bdsm needs you have are paramount to the relationship, then setting a timeframe (1 year, 2 years: I don't know...I have an admittedly excessively permissive timespan with people I love) and trying to make the end as amicable and decent as possible while doing what you have to do to get yourself a place (Be it take on another job, stay with someone, etc.).  And, don't cheat.  If you can't stay, leave. 
Don't be impulsive, though. 
Best wishes to you both and welcome to the Boards. 
Davan



DesFIP -> RE: relationship advice (9/17/2009 11:16:55 AM)

You need this. She needs a different relationship. Both of you have as much right to be in a relationship that fulfills you.

If topping you once a month upsets her, makes her resentful, she shouldn't do it. She didn't know about this before you got involved, she may well feel you lied to her by not telling her upfront.

If you need a relationship that involves you being submissive more than you need this relationship, that's your right.
If she needs a relationship that involves a nonsubmissive male more than this relationship, that's her right.

Now, a question. Is she dominant in non sexual ways? Since she earns more, does she have the right to tell you what to do, to expect you to do as she says? If so could you be happy without sexual topping but servicing her, making her life easier?

If not, and you need out, then I would suggest you see a lawyer. Married or not, there are financial issues involved that need to be discussed and you need your rights represented. In the meantime, save up money to move out. The house can always be rented out, it can be sold, she can buy out your share.

However be aware that male slaves have much harder times finding fem dommes than do female subs finding male doms. Be sure that the ability to search for what you want is worth many years of loneliness.



subrob23 -> RE: relationship advice (9/17/2009 11:31:11 AM)

when we go together we talked about bdsm and at the time it was just something fun and different to me, so it wasn't an issue. like i've said it's only been in the last year or so that the thoughts grown in my head that maybe I need it more seriously than I considered it in my teens.
Shes a teacher and yes she is quite dominant in the realtionship upto the point of it being something i really care about usually. And no I'm not sure that it's enough and it a thought thats crossed my mind and I've wondered about it. But if I'm honest i do want the sexual side i like the idea of it not being my choice as to when or how I'm used sexually. I also like pain and bondage and I get neither of those from her.



leadership527 -> RE: relationship advice (9/17/2009 12:06:05 PM)

What Des said.



NyDaddysGirl -> RE: relationship advice (9/17/2009 3:20:27 PM)

I can understand your situation. 

I got married young when I didn't realize how much I needed to submit to someone.  The man I married wasn't dominant in any way shape or form and as the marriage progressed, I felt more and more like his mother than anything.  I had to manage the finances, schedule the appointments, etc.  I wound up having more control than I could handle or wanted.  I stayed for many years.  Too many years.  In the end, I needed out so badly, I walked away from it all and never looked back.  He got everything.  I started fresh and it was a struggle.

It wont do anyone any good to live a lie.  That goes for her as well as you.  She can't be someone she's not any more than you can.  It isn't fair to either of you.  If you can't find common ground, you may just have to accept that your futures no longer share the same path and hope to part ways as amicably as possible.

I wish you the best in whatever decision you make.



kiwisub12 -> RE: relationship advice (9/17/2009 4:24:11 PM)

All i can say is thank goddess you don't have kids together!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



AcademyForSlaves -> RE: relationship advice (9/19/2009 10:25:05 PM)

Hi.

Okay this is what we say to most of the subs who keep returning to us and email us regularily for years, the bdsm desire DOES NOT LEAVE YOU. Sure you can run, but you can't hide. Course some might leave it and who would know...but most return again and again. It's an interest like any other. One word solves it all. SUBMIT.[;)]

Hope this helps.



AcademyForSlaves -> RE: relationship advice (9/19/2009 10:29:08 PM)

One more thing.

What you said here contradicts.

"i like the idea of it not being my choice as to when or how I'm used sexually. I also like pain and bondage and I get neither of those from her"

(you say you don't want the choice of how your used, so you want her to call all the shots but you complain you don't get what you want, you want this and that, etc. So maybe that's where the real problem might be.)



KNelson -> RE: relationship advice (9/20/2009 4:30:54 AM)

subrob,

I'm in a similar situation but am in a committed relationship with an SO who needs to submit and is a maso, but it doesn't work for us to do that as a couple. We've been together longer -- almost 6 years. And I knew about the interest in BDSM when we got together, although my SO had told me that the interest was gone when we got together (long story short, my SO had had a pretty negative experience with a dom and had sworn off the scene as a result).

If you love her and don't want to split than talk with her about options outside of your relationship with her. It's a tough talk and she may or may not understand, but it can be done. If she agrees to an outside BDSM relationship, you will need to communicate with her a lot and reassure her of her place with you -- perhaps much more often than you are used to doing. You'll need to frequently remind her of things you are sure she already knows with respect to your love and commitment to her. And if there are any cracks in your relationship with her, you will find them. So be prepared to deal with those cracks if your relationship has them.



LPslittleclip -> RE: relationship advice (9/20/2009 6:55:59 AM)

well another option might be to see if she would be willing to allow you the release with another dominant. in my case it turned into a polyamourus one. explain what it is that you desire but let her know it is not a inadequacy of her just a need that you have and if she would like to understand more to have a discussion with someone who is in a dynamic to better understand what it is that you need. but you must communicate with her honestly.



slavekal -> RE: relationship advice (9/20/2009 7:21:01 AM)

One of the biggest mistakes any man can make is getting into a relationship with a woman who is not what he needs sexually.  There are ways to test a woman's domme potential and to introduce her to this lifestyle.  You have to do it right, though.  I recommend that you do not just have a discussion with her.  She will not understand, and she will likely be turned off.  You have to seduce the domina out of her.



VeeTee -> RE: relationship advice (9/20/2009 7:35:09 AM)

I feel for ya. Just got out of a marriage for lots of reasons, but one was the realization that my need to submit was never going to be a part of that relationship. And the tricky part was not being able to really talk about it with him because the whole BDSM thing does not need to be coming out when it comes to child custody issues. The subject had been brought up but my radar definitely got the "not interested, that's gross" signal.

Everyone here is correct - that submissive thing isn't going to disappear and the longer you wait, the more you will need to fulfill that part of you. Good advice from desFIP - see a lawyer to protect yourself. The financial hold of a relationship is hard to overcome. But if it keeps you from being your honest submissive self, try to find a way. You will be much happier.

Best of luck.



LookieNoNookie -> RE: relationship advice (9/20/2009 7:38:02 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavekal
......the biggest mistake any man can make is getting into a relationship with a woman who is not what he needs sexually.


Indeed!

Whether vanilla or otherwise.



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