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LadyPact -> RE: Telling a partner of your D/s interest (9/20/2009 9:16:12 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: pompeii
The replies that said "it's your partner ... speak your mind" are forgetting that there are many personalities out there (see the thread on personalities of collarme inhabitants, for example) ... and that this be-honest approach only works with some ... and those some, MUST have an open mind.
Mind you that's MOST of the partners out there ... but, certainly not all, especially those partners who are more J than others on how they expect others to act (J = Judging) ... Likewise, some are more I than others (I = Intuition) ...
Putting that together, if the partner is highly I and highly J, and IF their intuition tells them that BDSM is perverse and yucky, then there is nothing on this planet that will change their mind. Especially if they are also highly J and IF they expect others to act in a way that has nothing to do with D/s - again, you're doomed.
So, DEPENDING ON THE PARTNER, honesty might work - or it might doom you. You just CAN NOT tell your partner of your D/s interest if your partner has such a rigid attitude toward D/s pursuits. It's not your fault - it's theirs ... but you have to deal with it appropriately. And telling them is the LAST thing you can do to win 'em over.
I know people will fault me for saying all this (they'll say "then why is it your partner is that way") but, hell, you make mistakes in life that follow you for the rest of your life, and choosing rigid partners is one of 'em for some people.
Good luck!
It could be the lack of morning caffeine, but this did rub Me the wrong way. If we honestly believe that it's ok to have kinky interests, then it should be just as ok for others not to have kinky interests. There are plenty of folks right here on this site who would be completely opposed to being in a relationship where kink didn't exist. If that's the case, it has to be just as acceptable for people not wanting kink in their life. It doesn't mean there is something wrong with them or that they have a problem. It means that is their preference and they have just as much of a right to it as we have to ours.
I'm not saying that there aren't issues when there is one kinky and one non kinky person involved in a relationship. I think that's especially true if the non kinky person is rigid about what they will and will not accept. However, I don't think not being honest with them is the answer. Dishonesty in a relationship is a bigger problem than the kinky person not having their wants fulfilled.
As to actually telling a partner about interest in D/s, the suggestion that I tend to give is to pick up a copy of "When Someone You Love Is Kinky". It's helped a lot of people bring the subject up. One key bit of advice that I tend to give along with that is, before you ask your partner to read the book, read it yourself first. That way, you're both on the same level when it comes to terms, topics, and so on. You can even go back and say that you really liked the ideas on page 25 or what's on page 42 doesn't interest you at all. Not to mention, if you're going to ask your partner to make the investment of reading the book when it wasn't their idea, shouldn't you be willing to do as much?
Even then, the non kinky person may just not be into the idea. There are alternatives where people can still be honest. Some may chose to go poly or find a situation where play outside the primary relationship can be done within certain boundries. If not, it's time to look at compatibility and whether the kink or the relationship is more important.
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